Image by Jim Legans, Jr
She did it again yesterday. She called me from the car, from the driver’s seat of her SUV while she sped down the highway, her kids buckled into their booster seats in the back.
I’m always glad to hear from her – after all, she’s one of my best friends; her story about the flustered mom who insisted a little too vehemently that she borrow her copy of Fifty Shades of Grey after a play date left me laughing all last week.
But I don’t want to talk to her like this. Not when she’s driving. And especially not when her kids are in the car with her.
She’s a smart woman. She reads the paper; she listens to NPR. So I know she knows the statistics: that drivers using cell phones are four times more likely to get into accidents resulting in serious injury. That driving while talking on the phone reduces the amount of brain activity focused on driving by a third.
And she’s a good mom. She makes sure her kids eat their asparagus and brush their teeth – one minute on the top, one minute on the bottom. She outfits them in Dora and Diego helmets and elbow pads before their bike rides. She would never do something to hurt them. Right?
Having moved here from a state where it’s long been illegal for drivers to use their cell phones, I am still surprised every time I see someone chatting away on their phones – or, even worse, texting! (Egad!) – while driving. How could they be so careless?, I ask my kids from my own driver’s seat, inviting them to judge right along with me. Why is their conversation more important than our safety?
But I don’t think much about those nameless drivers after they zoom off, their odd swerving and unnaturally slow speeds mimicking those of drunks.
I do think about my friend.
I still remember the first time she called me from her car.
“Hey, Kristen!”
“Hey, you! How’s it going?”
“Good. Just out picking up some groceries.”
“It sounds a little windy there in Kroger!”
“Oh, I haven’t gotten there yet. I just dropped off Jimmy at school and Katie and I are heading there now.”
So she was one of those people I’d been judging. The ones who talk on the phone while driving.
And the dilemma hit me right away: if I talk to her, holding up my end of the conversation, while she does something I think is wrong, aren’t I complicit? What if something happened to her while she was talking to me? What if something happened to her kids? Wouldn’t it be my fault too?
But I didn’t say anything. I chatted with her until she got to the produce section. And then I hung up.
I’m not proud to say that I’ve done the same thing many times since then: taken her calls, not wanting to rock the boat, when what I’ve wanted to say was: “Focus on the road! Hang up the damn phone!”
But you know what? That changed yesterday. I realized that I owe it to her, to her kids, to our friendship, and to the other drivers around her to Just Say No.
“Let’s talk when you get home.”
That simple.
Better safe than sorry.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Kristen, I am glad that you said something to your friend because you obviously feel strongly about this. It’s always good to speak our minds especially when it’s this important. You are a good friend and I am certain that she will appreciate this in the long run.
This is so important. And worst of all – of course – those who attempt to text while driving. As you say, the statistics show the results.
Like you, I’m trying to do my part by not participating on the other end. I won’t say I don’t check things on my cell when I’m sitting in a traffic jam (and sitting, and sitting), but nothing is worth the 2 minutes theoretically gained if you put yourself or others at risk so foolishly.
(And those of us with teen drivers? All the more critical we model the safe behaviors we want from them.)
It’s amazing. Those of us who wouldn’t get in the car intoxicated might take a call or make one. But, it’s about as dangerous.
And don’t even get me started on texting.
This is an important post. It’s definitely dangerous. I am amazed by those who are applying mascara, drinking coffee, and texting all in a matter of a few seconds at a traffic light. It’s a product of our multi-tasking society.
SUCH a great reminder!! I love Oprah’s No Phone Zone in the car campaign too. But your writing was more powerful.
I really appreciate you bringing up this conundrum. The topic itself, and even more important for me, the challenge all the time of saying the difficult and honest thing. Hardest of all (for me) is when I need to figure out how to share it with those I love the most. (It is so so easy for me to share my opinion, my beliefs, my feelings, with people who are once removed from the very dear to me). Thank you for being courageous in saying the truth out loud.
Good for you. My old safety engineer friend taught me early on that it’s never a bad thing to put safety first when heavy machinery is involved.
There’s all sorts of technology that allow drivers to talk on the phone hands-free, but so many folks are irresponsible about using them consistently. My personal policy is I ask if I suspect someone is driving while on the phone with me. If they’re not on bluetooth or speakerphone, I schedule a time to re-connect. Accidents happen all the time and I wouldn’t want that kind of guilt on my hands.
Good and loving counsel—here’s hoping we can all be safe through looking out for each other and ourselves.
I know better too. I listen to NPR. But I talked while I drove.
Until.
I was pulling out of a parking space and had a near miss. It was one of those things I’d not done had I not been on the phone. Lucky for me, and the other driver, it was a miss. I put the phone away then.
Why did I think it would be “someone else?” Deep down I think I’m capable. This is super interesting because it plays on something different than the drunk thing. “I can rise above.” I never thought that consciously, but why else would I let myself do that?
No longer.
And I had a little scene with my husband in the car one night when he took a call. You won’t have to ask to call me later (any longer).
Oh such good, poignant words, girl.
(And I love that you talked about it openly and directly with your kids. So very important!)
I tend to leave my phone headset at home so I don’t take calls or make calls when I’m driving, especially with my kids. I will sometimes make calls when I’m by myself in the car for a long ride, but the calls are usually short and to the point.
As for texting, I’m guilty of texting at the red light. It’s a bad habit I need to break, especially because it’s expensive in my state. I don’t do it often but I should not do it at all, even when I’m stopped. Thanks for the reminder that safety always come first, which I tell my kids almost every day…
*hugs for doing the right thing*
I’ve always been on the other end… the call comes in and I answer it in case it’s important and so I don’t forget who I need to talk to. But I understand the fallacy of thinking it’s only other drivers who are distracted dangerously by their phones. My parents thought I was nutty at first, but they understand now that if I’m not stuck in traffic, I will call back when I’m somewhere safe. I’ve never thought to tell anyone else not to do it, even though if you’re in the passengers’ seat, the effects of the driver taking a call are immediate and obvious.
So scary, the things you see drivers doing on the road. I’m glad you were able to find a way to tell your friend you’d rather watch out for her safety.
A friend of mine has a bumper sticker that reads, “Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him.” I’m not religious, but the message works for me.
Good for you. A real friend does the right thing…even if its uncomfortable.
I’m guilty, guilty, guilty. And you are right, right, right.
Just curious, is it possible she was talking on a hands-free set? Those are still legal here in Ontario, though I know there have been some studies showing that they are dangerous too.
This friend doesn’t have a hands-free set, but I know lots of people who use them in places where it’s not legal to talk on a cell phone while driving. But you’re right: studies have shown that hands-free devices aren’t necessarily that much safer.
I love that you are taking a stand then.
I love this post! You are 100% right.
you did the right thing, Kristen. It is dangerous to driving and make a phone call on the same time. Sometime we really need to remind our friends though it is difficult.
Like you, if I know someone answered the phone while driving, I get off ASAP. Still surprised people do.
Texting while driving makes me crazy.
As I sd to my
friend, because I am
always talking – John, I
sd, which was not his
name, the darkness sur-
rounds us, what
can we do against
it, or else, shall we &
why not, buy a goddamn big car,
drive, he sd, for
christ’s sake, look
out where yr going.
– Robert Creeley
“Let’s talk when you get home” I like that. I should use it.
You’re right. A conversation can’t be more important than safety. Again, I’m going to use that. Thank you!
You’ve given me something to think about…admittedly.
Where I live, there are more people driving while on their phones, than not.