Image by rmricci
We all know the story of the tortoise and the hare: A rabbit challenges a turtle to a race. Having left the slow-moving turtle in his dust, the overconfident rabbit decides to take a nap in the middle of the course, but wakes to find that his slow-but-steady opponent has won the race while he was sleeping.
So what does that have to do with me? Well, lately I’ve been thinking that I’m sort of like a rabbit, but I want to be more like a turtle.
Confused? Let me explain.
Last month, I had the chance to participate in A Soulful Cleanse with Rebecca Mullen.
Rebecca reached out to me when I was in the middle of Project Simplify – remaking my boys’ room and our pantry in short order – and offered me another approach to dealing with clutter.
Instead of overhauling large areas in small amounts of time, Rebecca invited me to focus on one tiny space of clutter under which, she believes, lies patterns and habits and fears and dreams. You might think you’re cleaning out your closet, but what you’re really doing is making peace with your kids getting older and the inexorable march of time.
Sounds deep? It was.
Those of you who have been hanging out here for awhile know that I don’t do so well with tiny. I like grand plans and big, sweeping changes. I’ve undertaken a Happiness Project. I’ve overhauled my family’s eating habits. I’ve started running again. I’ve stopped biting my nails.
And that’s all fine and well at the beginning when I’m energized and committed. Like the rabbit in the fable, I rush out of the starting gates and am efficient and effective. But then I often flounder when an obstacle arises: a sick kid, out-of-town guests, a particularly compelling episode of The Good Wife. Not only do I not bother to stop and think about why I’m making the change in the first place, but I sometimes abandon a goal altogether after the initial “runner’s high” has worn off. But despite this pattern, I continue to believe that being fast and being strong is the way to handle any issue.
And I suspect I’m not alone in this. I wonder how many people – and maybe women especially – are afraid of slowing down, of being gentle to themselves because we’ve been taught that pushing on and powering through are signs of strength.
Awhile ago Rebecca introduced me to the idea of a turtle step: setting a goal so small that it seems laughably easy. And in this class, she encouraged me to pair a turtle step with a reward. So instead of spending an afternoon tearing my closet apart, I decided to spend five minutes a day decluttering my children’s outgrown toys and clothes and then ten minutes treating myself to looking at pictures of my kids.
The five minutes part? I’ve been struggling with making this change, with slowing down and doing mindfully the things that I’ve spent my life plowing through. Because a big part of me still wants to push and dump it all in a bag and drop it off at Goodwill. Wouldn’t that be easier than looking at a tiny onesie my baby girl wore just last year – and to think about how much she’s grown and the fact that she’ll never be a newborn again?
I’m struggling, but I’m trying. And the ten minutes part makes it all worth it. The sitting down with a cup of tea and looking back at a picture of my little one, her buttery thighs sticking out of that very onesie, her hand stretching – stretching - to reach her toe.
Sometimes it’s good to be a turtle.
In honor of (Easter) rabbits, turtles, and all the creatures of spring, I wish a Happy Easter and a Happy Passover to all of my friends celebrating this weekend.
When I talked to Rebecca yesterday, I mentioned that I was going to write a post about my experience in her class and she was good enough to offer Motherese readers a 50% discount in the next session of A Soulful Cleanse. Just let her know I sent you.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, this is brilliant. As you know making peace with the inexorable march of time is something I very much struggle with – you could even say it’s the central task of my life. I love the idea of the turtle step. xo
The buttery thighs. I could live a lifetime sipping tea looking at photos of my babes’ buttery thighs.
There is so much I skipped over when they were here in the flesh, because it was diapers and cries and … oh yeah…sleeplessness. And now I sleep all the way through every night. Being a mother has changed me. I adore the change. I worship at the church of buttery thighs.
Thanks for the opportunity to realize this with you.
I’ve actually been doing something turtle-esque lately. I am constantly overwhelmed by everything I need to do in the very short amount of time between the girls’ bedtime and mine. So, lately, instead of tackling my complete to-do list, I assign myself one thing each night. It has to be something simple, eg check our passports to see which ones will expire this spring. That way, I am more likely to chip away at the to-do list. For some reason, when faced with dozens if items in the entire list, I am much more likely to go watch TV instead :-)
I’m the same way, Mel. I am pretty good about bringing a full head of steam at the beginning of a big task list, but I almost always peter out before the end.
One small thing a day will get the job done – maybe more slowly than we’d like, but I’m learning to be okay with slow.
I know the feeling all too well of tackling projects aggressively and looking around a month later to see that I’ve returned to the spot where I started. Some times I don’t even make it past the initial planning phase (most recently my office clean up *sigh*). It interesting to think of this pattern from a different point of view. I’m starting to wonder what’s hidden in the stacks in my office that I’m so actively avoiding.
Thanks for sharing!
For your sake, I hope it’s a big realization rather than an overdue bill. ;)
I like the idea of “tortoise goals.” I function much better when checking things of a list; even if it is not a big task, the act of just crossing something off can be mentally rewarding.
I fear I’m a turtle by pace but a rabbit by racing strategy, a very slow failure to finish? But I’m working on it, slowly, so thanks for the turtle step ideas (and thanks Rebecca too).
As for the march of time, I’m feeling this most keenly at the moment, and when I look at pictures of my boys I just want to cry for how tender and beautiful and fast it all sweeps by.
Perhaps it’s that eternal moment we are all after, the one that finds us ultimately together in all our adventures and departures and reunions, in our honoring of soul friends, and soul and beauty for which we are never but right on time.
Oh I love this. I too am a hare. It’s hard being a turtle. (Except when Good Wife is on. Ahh, I do love me some Will:)
Sigh. I think I have been a turtle for years. I had to turn into a hare last week because there was not an inch left to cram more stuff. I think I had 5 boxes full of kids art with two lines on each page. If I think about it too much, I will just keep it.
I’m sorry but I can’t imagine spending 5 minutes a day on a project can be very efficient, until it’s one of those projects you NEVER get done and need a lot of encouragement to accomplish, including breaking it down in small steps. I do have projects that pile up on my list but as I start working on them (e.g. cleaning a closet) I get into it and find “the flow” and I feel really good afterwards. You can’t find the flow in 5 or 10 minutes. If the project is huge (e.g. unclutter your whole house), of course it makes sense to split it room by room.
I think you have to find what works best for you, and give yourself opportunities to slow down and smell the roses. In my 101 in 1001 tasks, I’ve included projects that are for me only, and those are the ones I’m having a hard time with. But I’ve decided to actually add a few more of those because it’s important to spend some alone, rejunivating time for myself and not feel like I wasted my time.
By the way, I gave you the ABC blog award the other day. I just didn’t get a chance to stop by and tell you until now…
http://perfectingmotherhood.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/catching-up-on-a-few-blog-awards/
Yeah, in my house there are definitely tasks where my rabbit approach works fine: when I tackled my pantry a few weeks ago, for instance. I don’t have any emotional attachment to, say, my expired rice vinegar so it was easy to sweep through and get rid of things once I set aside the time.
The turtle steps work better for me on those areas of clutter that persist. For me, this is my bedroom closet where all sorts of clutter from the house ends up. And once I slowed down, I realized that my reluctance with dealing with the mess had to do with the fact that there’s a part of me that’s not ready to let go of those tiny baby things that are buried in there.
I absolutely agree with you that we each have to figure out what works best for us – and finding that flow is always a great feeling. For me, it was a big realization to see that I can’t just push through everything and make changes that last.
Thanks for the blog award! :)
“I wonder how many people – and maybe women especially – are afraid of slowing down, of being gentle to themselves because we’ve been taught that pushing on and powering through are signs of strength.” – It’s funny you wrote this because last night, as I was writing my post that’s akin to stopping to smell the roses, I decided to remove the part about finally sitting down on the couch by myself for the first time to soak in the sunlight that drenched my living room after 1.5 weeks at this WAHM gig.
I felt like if I slowed down, I wouldn’t “deserve” to stay home. Like, because I wasn’t earning a big paycheck that my family can depend on, I had to earn these moments to myself.
I really like what Rebecca said about rewarding ourselves after accomplishing goals in tiny increments. Maybe then I would feel better about being on the couch with my feet up while the baby napped. It was a non-stop week and a half for me, so maybe I did deserve that reward…
Good for you for finding and honoring the turtle in you. As usual, there’s much I can learn from you.
No way, lady, there’s much I can learn from you. It took me years of being at home to realize that I don’t have to justify myself and my choices to anyone, that I work hard (raising my kids, writing) and I deserve the balance that down time brings.
If you’ve figured that out in a week and a half, you are way ahead of me. :)
Most of the time I’m a turtle, but at times I get into ADD Hare mode and have to purge everything, as fast as I can. I wonder what old Freud would think about that, eh?
You called it. We are indeed afraid of slowing down. We are equally afraid of being gentle with ourselves.
Some of us, anyway.
Somehow, we’ve absorbed a kind of guilt as women in this country. As mothers, especially. As if we aren’t entitled to slow down or be good to ourselves. We talk about it, we write about it, we meditate on it – we even construct projects to help guide us along the way. Yet it seems we rarely let life roll along as it will – even in little ways – allowing us small moments of appreciation and the rest, to flow as it will.
Perhaps if we could be more tender in our approach to everything (and in a way, take ourselves less seriously?) – we might be better off.
Perhaps we should transplant ourselves to another country for a time, and look in on American culture from the outside.
Or, we all need to spend some time in our own country, our own cities, our own families, our own lives, our own bodies – but taking a seat in another part of the room – observing newly, through the eyes of a stranger, a foreigner, someone not so fortunate who is fully appreciative of being where are we are.
Slowly, gently, just “being.”
And feel how good we have it. Not perfect, but good.
Amen.
Reading your comment, it occurred to me how often so many of us mothers fail to be gentle to each other. We rush to judgment, we assume our way is the better way. I wonder, if we tried to hone this art of being gentle to ourselves, might we not also be gentler to others?
Kristen, now I got a lump in my throat! I have boxes of Simon’s clothes sitting by the door, where it’s been for 3 months. It’s set aside for a friend I see all the time. Your post hit the heart: I am holding on because Simon may be my last baby so those are the last onsies…. Unless I can talk my husband into wearing one. There are emotional layers to all my clutter. Thanks for the chance to see it clearly. Even though I feel sick now.
Slowing down is hard. Accepting what is possible is harder.
My sister just said something about training ourselves to enjoy the tasks we must do – taking small amounts of whatever must be done and then having a healthy reward. (She was writing her dissertation.) And, for her, it worked. The writing became something she looked forward to doing.
Now… What of my many tasks to tackle? Or to turn into rewards within my days?
I am 11/10 bad at being gentle to myself. And a turtle step sounds just the way that you described it. But I officially think that a turtle step is what will help me to clear out our second bedroom and make it into an office/organized storage space. I owe you in advance.
Happy Easter!
Love this. You and I are on the same page right now, obviously! I 100% (if not more) agree with you that some women (at least this one!) feel like doing things small or slowly = not strength. And that’s a hard mental obstacle to overcome.
Oh, I can definitely relate to this one! I, too, have been trying to set tiny goals for myself. This weekend, I decided to give up paper towels. Though it’s not going to make or break my budget, it’s one small way I can start to see a difference. Great post!
I’ve been bit by the organization bug, too. Reminding myself “baby steps” has been the only thing that has kept me going, since the job is so overwhelming. But I like the phrase “turtle steps” better! And the reward that follows? I need to do that, too!
I like the idea of using five minute chunks in time as well as giving ourselves permission to be human, to be fallible. Important stuff, that is.
I’ve been reading a book called Willpower by R. Baumeister. I don’t agree with everything in it, but it gets you thinking about willpower as an energy that you have to conserve. Remember Frog and Toad and the cookies? According to Frog, will power is trying hard not to do something that you really want to do. Like eating cookies. That’s willpower as punishment.
My husband’s been talking lately about the idea of choice fatigue and how we might be exhausting our 2yo by asking him if he’d like PB&J, grilled cheese, or soup for lunch. I wonder if these concepts are connected.
I plow through, too. If I tried to be a turtle I may lose my mind. However I believe in trying new things and being a turtle would definitely be new. I may just give the idea a chance. Thank you for introducing it.
Also, Happy Easter to you as well.
Alita
I have tears.
Why?
Because this so, so important and necessary and beautiful you is DOING IT.
I’m so proud of you!
(#Inspiring)
Kristen, while I read this post, I became more and more dizzy, almost like I was falling (I’m lying in bed!!) and the feeling of certainty that I’ve just come across something that will change my life was clear. I’m absolutely going to sign up for the class (it was the 1/2 price that tipped the scales) and I am going to immediately send this to 3 friends who will love this, wait my sister too, so four! Oh, and my friend Molly, five! It was also the 10 minute reward. I just realized that my kids are so naturally good at this. I’ve always thought they were procrastinating when they begin “remember when” in the middle of cleaning, but in fact they were rewarding us all! My cheeks are flushed in excitement and anticipation! Thank you!
Kasey, I’m so glad this idea resonated so deeply with you. Please let me know once you’ve done the class and we can compare notes!
Why are there piles of old clothes and toys crammed in closets and under beds all over our tiny house? Just like you said, to actually sit down and sort it out would require me to face the fact of their growing up. And that’s usually more than I can handle at any given time. I like this way better.
It seems like there are so many of us dealing with the same issue, Jennifer: not just the physical clutter, but all the emotional stuff underneath.
Hope the turtle steps work for you!
Funny that you mention food over-hauls as one of your projects. My husband and I were just saying that we have to get back to a less carb, less refined diet, and I always find that changes in diet turn into a “hare situation” for me — start out trying to be perfect and then run out of steam with a box of Swiss Rolls.
How are you diet changes going with your family? Any advice from the trenches?
Thanks for a great post!
Oh, I hear that – except here it’s a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups instead of a box of Swiss Rolls! :)
Here’s one turtle step I’ve been working on personally: I have a weakness for Diet Coke. Originally I tried to cut it out cold turkey, but that didn’t work. So now I’m trying to cut back. Instead of having a glass with lunch, a glass in the afternoon, and a glass with dinner, I’ve cut out the afternoon one and replaced it with a big glass of water. It feels like a sacrifice, but not an insurmountable one.
As for my kids, I’ve slowly but surely been stocking our pantry with healthier snacks. They’re still allowed to eat the candy that inevitably arrives via holidays and birthday parties, but I’ve tried not to be the supplier of that stuff in our house. I made the shift gradually and they didn’t really seem to notice – and not having the junk food around helps me eat healthier too!
I definitely need to work on my turtle skills. Off to look at the site…