See those fingers over there?
Those are my fingers.
You can only see three of them, but I assure you the other seven look the same: the cuticles ragged, the nails bitten down to the nub, the occasional scratch or burn for added character.
I’ve bitten my nails for as long as I can remember. Spurred by boredom or nervousness, I bring my fingers to my mouth and work away at a ripped cuticle or a jagged nail.
Yes, I know it’s disgusting: I know about the germs that live on our hands and under our nails. I know it looks off-putting to those watching me when I do it.
I’ve tried to stop. Many times. I’ve tried painting my nails with cayenne pepper-flavored polish. I’ve tried giving myself weekly manicures. I’ve tried wearing a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it every time I start to bite, leaving my arm cross-hatched with red welts.
And several times I’ve succeeded. My nails were perfect “squovals” on the afternoon I married my husband. I bragged last summer that I had nails – that time in honor of my sister-in-law’s wedding. (What is it about me, my nails, and weddings?)
But now I’m back to square one again, back to my version of normal. Back here and ready for a change. Again.
Last week I read a post about habit change at Zen Habits. In the post, Leo Babauta tells us that we are capable of changing even the oldest, most entrenched habits. And then he offers a series of mindful steps to undertake when trying to ditch a habit: Know, Consider, Realize, Commit, Find, Notice, Repeat, and Practice.
It was the first step – Know – that resonated most with me. Leo writes:
Know as you start that you aren’t changing a mountain. You don’t have to change years of bad actions. Those actions are gone — they’ve evaporated into the ether, and you can forget them. Forgive yourself for them, then forget them.
You don’t need to run a marathon to change a habit. You just need to take a step. And you can take a step.
Forget and forgive? Forgive and forget?
Not my strong suit. Especially where my own mistakes are concerned.
I am a ruminator. I dwell. And this habit causes me plenty of anxiety. But until reading Leo’s post, I never connected my rumination habit to my nail biting habit. I never thought that I might need to work on one habit in order to break the other.
Yes, I’ve bitten my nails forever. But there’s nothing that I can do about the past. I can’t un-bite all the nails I’ve bitten.
I can’t change the past, but I can try to change the future.
And I’m going to try to do that.
Starting today.
Do you have any bad habits? Ever found a good method for changing a bad habit?
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
I speak as a fellow nail biter, although I’ve managed to ditch the habit and haven’t bitten my nails regularly for about two years now. The threat of relapse occasionally lurks under the surface though – when really stressed I’ll still get the urge to bite.
I’m not entirely sure how I broke the habit. I think it was just a case of keeping on keeping on, as in having to be constantly aware for the first few months. It doesn’t stay that way forever though and I guess that’s when you know the habits broken. Incidentally I used to still suck my thumb as well (embarrassing) and I broke that habit at the same time.
You’re my new role model, Gappy!
I think you make an important point about the need to keep with it. I think I too often look for the instant solution: Do this one thing and your nails will be long and strong! But at the end of the day, it’s really all about committing to change and then sticking with it.
In the seventh grade this girl I was friends with (who, in retrospect, I came to realize was a bad influence in a number of ways) popped her neck all the time. So I started doing it too. Now, 20 years later I still do it several times a day. I hate that I do it, but I still do it. A few years ago regular back pain made me finally break the habit of popping my back all the time and I’m so glad I did it. Perhaps it’s time to buckle down and break the neck-popping habit as well. Thanks for the inspiration!
Isn’t it interesting to think about where our habits come from (and, as a corollary, whom we might be passing our habits along to)?
I got my nail biting habit from my mom. Come to think of it, she’s broken the habit. I’ll have to ask her how she did it.
Good luck to us both as we try to reform! :)
My bad habit: Sacrificing sleep. And I need to stop doing that.
Every night I tell myself, I will go to bed at 10:30. Midnight rolls around and I’m still at the computer. Yes it’s work. Yes it’s things I usually need to do. But still. I need to find a happy medium between getting some things done and leaving the rest for the next day because in reality? I always have something to do.
I guess I just have to make the choice to value rest above a checklist of tasks. People say we’ll sleep when we’re dead. But I fear that without sufficient rest and recovery, I’ll get there sooner than I think.
So how do we stop these habits of ours together? Virtual support group?
Sign me up for a virtual support group! One of Leo’s points in his post at Zen Habits was the need to be accountable to someone other than yourself when trying to break a habit and that makes a lot of sense to me.
So how about this: I’ll call you every night at midnight to make sure you’re sound asleep…wait a second, that might defeat the purpose…hmm… ;)
Haha on the sleep one! THAT is bad for me too.
I used to smoke- but deciding to have a family cured that. And I just grew/woke up.
My husband bites his cuticles. It horrifies me really- to think of him all handsome in his office white shirt, in a big meeting sharing his insights…and he either bites his cuticles or puts the cuffs of his sleeves over his hands. Please don’t do it dear!!!
I’m working on the sleep thing. It says 23 days to create a habit. Here’s to creating new ones and NO findernail biting :)
Honestly? I think my bad habit IS ruminating. I tend to get stuck thinking about things that I a cannot change. I know this gets me nowhere but I do it anyway.
Oh, I hear this.
Big time.
So many bad habits. Eating when I am not hungry is one. Staying up too late too …
Bad habit? Me? Just kidding. How about nervous eating? Especially chocolate. I have to hide it from myself, otherwise I will eat it until it’s gone.
As for nail biting, my brother went through a terrible spell when we were kids. My mom bribed him with the Castle of Grayskull and He-Man action figures, and he stopped. So many bribe yourself with something fabulous that you can only use if you have nails.
Today I tried to peel a clementine for my 4yo and couldn’t break through the skin without nails. If only I liked oranges more… :)
Ugh! I’m a picker. I scrutinize every pore on my face and then pick away. It’s a loathsome (and self-sabotaging) habit. I’ve been trying to quit for years!
Oh, I was a nail biter as a kid. In college, I started chewing gum to stop biting my nails. I would go through those huge packs in a day. I was constantly chewing so much that my stomach was a mess. So one bad habit gave way to another. I still have to consciously limit myself to 2 or 3 pieces of gum a day. Otherwise, I start to feel like a cow chewing on her cud. But at least now I have nails! I think mindfulness helps us to break these habits. So many times I was just biting my nails or popping another piece of gum into my mouth without even thinking about it.
This is good. I love that advice and oh my, need it (so very much).
Good luck, girl! I’m behind you!!
Argh, I’ve bitten my nails as long as I can remember and nothing I’ve ever tried worked (including chewing gum, but there’s only so much gum you can chew during the day without making yourself sick). And my four-year old has been chewing his nails for a couple of years now and he can’t stop it either (he’s also a thumb sucker).
I’d love to stop but I’ve also figured out I’ve got to pick my battles. Chewing my nails allows me to vent some unfunnelled energy/anxiety/anger of the moment and feel better temporarily. I’m not hurting anyone while doing it and I don’t feel worse for it (I’m so blase!).
If you find something that works for you, please feel free to share. I just think we all have our little ways to cope with some aspects of life we’re not crazy about…
I could stand to be a little more blase.
I like how you frame it: nail biting might not be the world’s best habit, but it’s not really hurting anyone. And you’re right: there’s only so many fires any one of us can put out in a day.
I’m a bit with KW on picking, any ingrown hair and I can’t leave it alone. Yet it is not the biting and the picking that causes anxiety, they reflect anxiety. Thus we have to start with admitting that it is very satisfying, and thus self-reinforcing, to do our habits.
My insight, at least for myself, is that if I can go directly to the underlying big anxiety (i.e. fear we are not good enough, bad things will happen, doomsday scenarios that we try to deny and push away, but which haunt us underneath our obsessive surfaces) at least we’re dealing with the real beast and not just its hair and nails.
Perhaps Zen plus psychology becomes:
Know… we’re scared out of our minds (probably from our wiring plus environment) Consider… that rational reassurance has never helped
Realize… that there are millions of us
Commit… to exposing ourselves to the core terror
Find… that we eventually grow bored of our own neurotic fears
Notice… how at first we feel worse, then, over time, a bit more free
Repeat… exposure to the core fear when the habit returns, and
Practice loving kindness to ourselves and others.
We love you whether you bite your nails or not… we more truly just want you to feel safe and happy. Writing about your struggle gives us a chance to connect on that more authentic and vulnerable level, and this builds bonds and feels good. XO
I started to write a few different replies to your comment, Bruce – some witty, some wondering.
But really all I want to say is thank you.
So, thank you.
xo
Blogging helps me break bad habits. It is where I air out the closets of my mind and figure out what is really bothering me.
It is not a perfect system but I have found it to be fairly effective at helping me understand the what, why and how.
Amen to that. Blogging has been a great place for me to get to know myself better. And it has that added bonus of making me feel accountable since I’ve shared with other people.
I love how you put it: “air out the closets of my mind.” Makes me think it’s time for some spring cleaning around here. :)
Hmmm…. I was a face-picker for a long time (adult acne stinks!). The only advice I have for you, and this is only going to be tangentially helpful, but every little bit, right? Vitamin D supplements will help your fingernails grow long and strong once you stop biting them. LOTS of vitamin D. I take 2,000 IU twice daily. It strengthens my fingernails (not that I had any issues with them) and clears up my skin. I can tell a difference very quickly when I run out.
Thanks for the tip!
I’ve broken a few habits, the worst of which was smoking, also nervous fidgeting type things. The only thing which works for me is to imagine myself sometime in the future who is able to talk to “past me,” and what I would say to myself. Mostly, what I say to “present me” is “For the love of God, stop doing that!” I also try visualizing myself as having beat the habit, and how good that will feel. Often, I can use that feeling of happiness to counter the overwhelming desire to give up.
Remember that just trying is a victory in itself. Keep at it until something sticks!!
Good luck! You can beat this!
I love these tips, Liz. Thanks for sharing them and for your vote of confidence!
Another nail biter over here, too. And yes, about the only time I managed manicured hands was for my wedding (how I managed to keep them long through my thesis defense, graduating and moving to a new state in the meantime I have no idea!). I also have the world’s driest hands, something not helped by living in one of the driest places in the world. For whatever (dumb) reason I just can’t seem to manage the effort to put lotion on them at regular intervals. I clearly need a hand intervention!
How did I not know that you are a fellow nail-biter? Yet another similarity between us!
A difference, though, is that I have a strong aversion to dry skin on my hands and feet and I moisturize all the time. I might have to play Moisture Evangelist and get a little collection of hand lotion together to send your way! xo
I twirl my hair. Constantly. For years, I cut it off so I wouldn’t mess with it so much, but now it’s getting long and I’m back to twirling almost every waking hour. But I don’t care. It doesn’t hurt my hair or my hands (maybe my neck a little), and now that I see my daughter does it, too, I think it must just be genetic. (We both have these nice little curls on the end and it’s impossible not to fiddle with them a bit.)
Isn’t it amazing how we talk to ourselves? I would never talk to another human being the way I talk to myself. So, of course, I try to notice that. Hmmm, so I’ve been using the “f” word a lot when I finish doing something or when I’m commenting on something inside my head. I wouldn’t use that word with another person for anything! (Guess what I do lately instead of biting my nails???)
Kindness begins with me. To me.
I once had a dental hygenist. I told her “I know I should be flossing more.”
She surprised me with her response: “You’ll floss more when you’re ready to floss more.” I was STUNNED! She didn’t try to convince me (even though she was in a position to do so), she didn’t shame me. She gave me all the permission I needed: you will when you’re ready. Until then, you’re not ready.
Maybe biting your nails comforts you. Why would I want to encourage you to stop something if it brings you comfort? Maybe it shakes off some nerves. Go for it. It seems pretty harmless in the big picture of life. Maybe it gives you a tiny thing to worry about so you don’t think about the big stuff…
All these seem like great reasons to keep biting your nails.
“You will when you’re ready.”
I was biting my nails while reading your comment. Hmm…it seems I might not yet be ready.
xo
I bite my nails too. I think it’s dissociation. I wish I could stop. Manicures would be so much more fun.
I wasn’t done! I would like to be more present and stop. Just for today. Maybe just for today.
Hi, Christie – Welcome to Motherese and thanks for your comment.
I think you’re onto something with this baby steps approach: just for today. Just for one hour. Just for one minute.
Some research says it’s 3 or 4 weeks to change habits. (I think it can be less, depending on the situation.)
I had to reprogram certain of my (bad) parenting habits – particularly when I hit new stages in which my lovely children knew precisely which buttons to push…
As for other bad habits (who doesn’t have many???) – I also bit my nails mercilessly for years. Ironically, by putting bright polish on them I managed to change that habit. The polish reminded me to not do it, and I stopped.
Other habits that become patterns (battles) for a lifetime? Activities in which stopping cold turkey isn’t an option (like moderation with food)? Or bad relationships habits? Much, much harder…
An important perspective, D. I’ve always thought that moderating food must be the hardest of all: after all, as you said, it’s not like you can stop eating altogether.
As for my much less significant bad habit, I think you might be onto something with the bright nail polish idea. Maybe I’ll try that next. (Want to send me your bottle of “Vixen”?) ;)
I use the wisdom Leo wrote about when I am trying to lose weight. It is really easy to beat yourself up over the failures of the past and the failures of today. The amazing thing about tomorrow is that it is a new horizon for you to shape and mold however you want. Good luck!
Try supplementing with zinc.
Great tip! Thanks!
I am also a pretty bad nail biter but I am willing to try to stop…it just seems so unconscious sometimes like before I knew what was happening the nail is gone! I have a plethora of bad habits I need to break :)
Hi Nellie,
“Unconscious” is definitely the right word for it. I can usually find the will power to stop myself when I notice myself doing it, but, like you, I’ve often bitten off any new growth before I even realize what I’m doing.
Sigh. :)