Image by Rhian vK
I have been a parent for four years, four months, and eight days. I’m not sure how many of those days it took for me to realize the only truism of parenting:
There is no one right way to do any of this.
—
We worked on potty training this weekend with our two year old. He was showing all of the signs you read about in parenting magazines: staying dry for long periods of time, showing great (some might even say disconcerting…) interest in other people using the bathroom, excusing himself to take care of his own business. So my husband and I decided that we would try transitioning him from diapers to underwear this weekend when we had little else going on and all of our time to devote to our toddler and lots of trips to the potty.
As I prepared for the weekend – printing out free sticker charts and laundering tiny pairs of Wall-E underpants – I thought back to this same weekend in our older son’s life, a time when I still clung to the wisdom of parenting books and was convinced that there was a single right way to approach most parenting challenges. I got a book touting a one-day potty training miracle and proceeded to put all of us through several hours of tears and pee-soaked rugs. Luckily, I bailed on the “expert’s” plan without doing any permanent damage to my son or myself, but it was still awhile before I stopped reading those books and magazines in hopes of finding a motherhood equivalent of the Rosetta Stone.
As you likely know by now, I am a person who craves direction. I love to follow recipes and check-lists. And I thought that the approach that had brought me success as a student and a professional would naturally work for parenting too. And, you know, in a lot of ways it did. I followed a plan to help my babies sleep through the night. I relied on a book to guide me through which foods to introduce to my kids when.
But there were two problems: First, I was at a loss when the solution I found in a book didn’t work (see Potty Training, Take One above). And second, and perhaps more insidious, I thought that success at a method I found in a book meant that I had achieved something as a mother. I had found the way (and, yes, I’ll admit it, although I’m ashamed to: if you hadn’t, it meant that maybe you were doing something wrong).
—
The potty training is going fine. We’re using lots of stickers and eating some extra M&Ms. We’re using our son’s enthusiasm for the “robot” alarm on my iPhone to give us gentle reminders to use the bathroom. We’re also doing plenty of extra laundry and figuring out the very best ratio of vinegar and water to clean our carpet. We’re still trying to decide how long to use Pull-Ups for excursions out of the house.
We’ll figure it out as we go.
And what a relief it is to be able to do that.
Because, you know, there is no right way to do this potty training gig. You might let your kid go bare-bummed through the house. You might let him wear Pull-Ups for a year. You might send him to his first day of preschool hoping he doesn’t pee on the rug in the Book Nook, but knowing he very likely will. And however you do it – however I do it – doesn’t really say much about you – about me – as a woman and a mother.
Because there is no best way. Just the way you do it. And the way that eventually sticks.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
LOVE this post, your words here, the message, everything. I think one of the best things about having more than one kid is that it has shown me conclusively that there can’t possibly be ONLY ONE right way for everything – because if my two are so very different, and need everything approached in such different ways, and they share the same genes, then I can only imagine how different children who come from other parents must be. And just think of how boring the world would be if all kids responded exactly the same way to everything!
I think you are spot on Kristen.
I treat the “experts” as offering suggestions–let the parents pick and choose what works best for them. Our youngest has a developmental disability and potty training with him has been really slow. He is in preschool, and is doing well with urinating in the toilet, but insists that he wear a diaper for bowel movements. Well conquering it, but I have to have patience.
I had the same experiences between the first and the second.
Everything had to be done by the book with my first son. Fortunately, the crying it out episode of 1997 led me to believe that some expert advice in parenting books is just crap. So, a couple of years later, when we were in the throes of tearful potty-training, I was able to just let it go. Wait for awhile. Try another approach weeks later– which worked for us.
The second child was much simpler in many regards, because I didn’t rely on the books. I didn’t rely on lists and didn’t check off milestones. The marvelous news is that everything worked out a-okay! The second child slept through the night, potty trained, and went off to school with no problems or major scarring! The way I did things for him was dramatically different, and yet both children ended up exceeding the same aims.
You couldn’t have said it better. There is no “best” way, no “one” way, no “right” way.
Only what works, at the time. For some things that’s good enough. As they get older, you don’t know until they’re much older. And I guess we never truly know until they’re grown up and they let us know – or if we have the courage to ask them how we’re doing and what they need done differently (when they’re a little older than yours).
And it doesn’t change, Kristen.
Even when they’re teenagers and young adults. We still take our best guess and hope it’s good enough. But I’m thinking maybe stickers and M&Ms might be worth trotting out again for a time…
:)
Oh what a relief this is!! Last week I cleared out some books and got rid of most of the How-To parenting books (I kept some but nothing with “Solution” in the title).
We are potty training Gus who just turned THREE. So far the only thing that has ended up in the toilet was my iphone (wah!). Anyway, I am going with it and hoping that my the time he’s in high school, he’ll be in undies. Cross my fingers.
Oh, how I remember the days when I thought there was the right way to do something (homemade baby food, potty training, sleep training, what have you). Parenting is truly humbling, isn’t it? Lucy was really good at teaching me that she would do things when and if she pleased. A planner by nature, like you, I have had to learn to switch directions mid-course after having children. A true, if unsettling, gift.
Amen!
{Also? I hate potty training. Hate.}
It takes a little while to “get” this- but eventually we all do, don’t we?
Ahhhhhhh….feeling the vibe of confidence and ease in your voice, Kristen. Keep rocking it!
And of course, what works for one child often does not for the others. This was one of my parenting ah-hah! moments. Another was realizing that everything didn’t have to be perfect – meaning, my kid could miss a boy scout meeting one week if it was just too much and everything would still be fine. Took so much pressure off.
Wouldn’t it be great if there was one right way? We could open the manual and ow exactly what to do to set up good sleep, to potty train, to feed, to teach them anything. Oh, the simplicity. I recently endured a lecture on the proper way to swaddle (because clearly, if it didn’t work for my baby, I was doing it wrong). But I learned from my niece that what worked for one child is terribly upsetting to another, and none of the solutions are easier on us.
Oh, no. Parenting is less paint by numbers and more performance art. I am humbled daily by my girls. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Staying flexible is a wonderful gift.
“Parenting is less paint by numbers and more performance art.”
Love that, Kate. Thanks.
I think there are some generic guidelines but what works for the goose doesn’t always work for the gander. We all agree the goal is to help our kids grow up as well balanced, independent adults. Every kid has a different personality and so we must adapt our styles to accomplish specific steps, like potty training.
That’s why I think being a parent is the hardest job in the world, because you have to learn to be so flexible. No job in the corporate world requires that much flexibility and it’s pretty obvious when you realize how many inflexible people are successful in the workplace!
And if you’re worried about your kid having accidents at preschool, just remember peer pressure works very well and most kids do better with potty training among their peers than with their parents at home. It’s all about control and they want to have it!
My youngest just graduated from his potty training :D
Need patience and persistence of the parents. I also gave him reward when finally he can do it :)
My mother once told me that I was so bad as a child she expected that my youngest sisters would be exceptionally easy.
And then she told me that though they didn’t get into trouble the way that I did, they found lots of other ways to make her crazy.
Different people, different personalities. It makes life interesting.
We are soon to begin potty training, I hope. I have absolutely NO IDEA how this is going to work with twins. In the land of Lalala, inside my head where I am also a lottery winner, the twins just decide that they should go in the potty like big kids and help each other figure it out.
Since I had kids who absolutely-no-matter-what-after-trying-every-plan-known-to-man would NOT sleep through the night, I always hated hearing that if only I’d do ‘plan such in such’ or read ‘the’ book, I’d have the problem fixed. There was no right way. What worked for others (to my frustration!) didn’t work for us. I learned that the hard way, trust me!
Same is true for writing. For most things, I’d guess.
On the other hand, you could get me to do a lot of things with stickers and m&ms.
I thought that Everyone Poops was the definitive text on this fundamental matter, but I fell asleep half-way through and never finished it, so I’m not really sure how it turns out. I’m with you on the no best way thing, it reminds me of that Woody Allen movie where Diane Keaton says, “I finally had an orgasm, but it was the wrong kind,” to which Woody says, “Really, every one I’ve had has been right on the money.”
I swore off reading parenting books after being led so far astray in my son’s infancy. By which I mean I read somewhere that giving up dairy would not help my reflux baby and that my child should only eat every so many hours and that the football hold or swaddling or swinging him really fast should help him stop crying and sleep better. I no longer believe in the idea of parenting experts. I had my own misadventure with potty training a few months back. Yeah, my son thought I had gone crazy too (and I suspected as much myself). Now, I’m just doing what they taught me about in college psychology (that would be successive approximations). I’m sure he will be successfully potty trained some time in the next year or so, but I’m not allowing anyone to pressure me about it any more.
You’ve got that right. I absolutely hate potty training. I think I would have paid someone to do it for me. Oh wait! I’m still doing it. ;) GRRRRR….
This generous spirit about parenting will serve you well in future years too, Kristen! As I’ve said before, I learned early on that I wouldn’t be able to cling to any of my preconceived notions about parenthood once my son was born a pound and a half preemie and was finally given one TEASPOON of breast milk a month after he was born – and that had to be fortified with extra calories! So much for mother earth! But it reminds me of all the times I’ve had to recognize that the kids have their own crazy little time frame, that, yes, they all do grow up, get potty trained and, as I’m finding out, drive, even if it seems like it might never happen.
I was so scared as a new parent, I read a handful of books and stressed myself out when things did not go as planned. I just did not know any better, much like most first-time parents. Once my kid went to school, I learned to relax a lot more and just go with the flow. I still question things, ask others for advice, etc., but I also remind myself that the hard years are yet to come, so I might as well enjoy this time!
“There is no one right way to do any of this.” Amen! Every parent (but mother especially) should say this to herself as well as to her peers.
So true! PT was a struggle for us both times. I think one of my biggest mistakes was assuming that what worked for one kid would work for the other. Of course life doesn’t work that way! Wishing you the best on your journey to Pull-up free days!
Potty training has been so much harder with our sons than with our daughter, and there is the pressure to get it done by 3 here for public school. But I agree, no right way – it just depends on if the kid is ready.
“And however you do it – however I do it – doesn’t really say much about you – about me – as a woman and a mother” This is a life philosophy.
One of the best things I learned as a mother is the compassion to see that star charts are meant to be filled in with whatever we’re working on in the present moment. Sometimes that is resting well, not burning things, and laughing each and every day. Too much measured achievement ties my belly in knots.
I am so like this. I always think there is one way and I’m working on trying to have a more complicated understanding of the paths people take. I think you and I are twins.
Ah yes. Potty training. It was the bane of my existence this past summer. And there are so many stories and methods out there about what worked for the other kids but they didn’t make any difference with my daughter. Not even Dora stickers or M&M’s could do the trick, which surprised us since she’s such a chocolate fiend. In the end, backing off and letting her lead the change was the only way that worked for us.
I shudder to think about training Thumper. But I know she will probably learn in her on way, as you described here because you’re right , parenting isn’t a one-size fits all. To each his/her own for sure.
Lovely post! Ah, I so remember being the “by the book” mother. The one who had to have a plan and “do it right”. And you are SO right. “By the book” is 17 years in my past- and I’ve gone through pretty much everything as a parent in those years. I learned to take what “works” (fits best with me, my family, my children) and leave the rest. I learned that each child is different. Learned that I am different, one day, week, year to the next. One of my life mottos has always been “there is no one right way”- somehow at the beginning I forgot to apply that to parenthood. But there is no one right way.
Hi, Lesley – Thanks so much for visiting and for your wise words.
I especially appreciate what you have to say about the way the we parents are different too, day to day, and year to year. When I’m trying to figure out how to deal with something with my kids, I don’t always remember to factor in how I’m doing and how I might be in a different place than I was when I last tackled a similar problem.