Image by Jo Bourne
You can’t always get what you want / But if you try sometimes you just might find / You get what you need.
- Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
I’ve always found deliciously resonant the idea of a “fourth trimester” – that demanding three month period that comes right after a baby is born and is starting to find her way in the world. When days are nights and nights are days. When tiny toes and incongruously loud burps are the stuff of life.
But even though I love the idea of a fourth trimester, I didn’t necessarily love the experience of it with my older two kids. And I wasn’t so sure I would enjoy it this time around either.
After all, the wisest thing I’ve done since Little Brother was born was acknowledging my need for – and maybe even right to? – a room of my own. The time that I take to give myself the soul-nurturing gifts of exercise, writing, and reading. The time that I take to interact with you here on my blog. I know too well how much less content I am – and, therefore, how much worse a mother and wife I am – when too many days pass without small pockets of this time.
And Baby Sister’s arrival – plunging together into her fourth trimester – did set my world askew. But in the best possible way.
As you have likely surmised, I am a woman who usually craves routine and thrives on order. Yet I was able somehow this time around to give into the inherent orderlessness of life in the fourth trimester. I was able to accept the temporary wonder of this short season of life, to accept that there would be – will be – time for writing and exercise and thought and slowly sipped coffee. Again, but later.
These months have been about meeting and getting to know this lovely small person who’s arrived in my life. Learning the language of her cries. Memorizing the remarkable rolls of her thighs. Imagining tea parties and fairy wings and reading the Little House books with an itty bitty pioneer girl.
And learning to listen to my maternal instincts, and turning up their volume so that they sing more loudly than to-do lists and conventional wisdom. Letting Big Brother choose his baby sister’s first food last week – pureed mango instead of the rice cereal he and his brother got.
Saying “why not?” more often and “why?” a little less.
Why not?
I’m glad to have identified in these last two years a working plan for maintaining my sanity. And I look forward to those hours at my desk and to myself – even while I mourn the speed with which these first months with my baby girl have flown.
I’m giving myself a pat on my Type A back today for not allowing my worries and plans to eclipse the moments of wonder during this fourth trimester with my daughter.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toiM1B6E2ww?rel=0&w=425&h=349]
Were you able to enjoy the fourth trimester with your kids?
What was your child’s first food? What’s your favorite Rolling Stones song?
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
“Again, but later.”
This is my first go around with motherhood, so I don’t know if another “4th trimester” will arrive, but I feel as though I’m tasting my last. (And even as I say that I laugh at the idea that it isn’t true.) My baby girl leaves for college a week from today.
I’m tired. Not because my days are nights and nights are days, but because I notice her in clothes as we stand in dressing rooms picking out the new wardrobe (and I hate shopping) and we’re packing boxes when there has been oh-so-little-writting.
Yet the intimacy of motherhood sustains me in a way nothing else in my life ever has or will. I am changed by motherhood; humbled and developed.
I can hear that heart of listening you’ve cultivated. The ears a mother grows to hear her own unique voice that says, “You may have cake for breakfast after birthday parties.” or “I think wearing every single knife you own on that belt suits you just fine.” These are the voices that come as we love our children. In doing so, we cannot help but love ourselves more gently, and the world by extension.
Enjoy the mango.
Ahh, these words are like poetry to me and I hope they are true: “These are the voices that come as we love our children. In doing so, we cannot help but love ourselves more gently, and the world by extension.”
Big hugs to you and yours as you prepare for your own alternate version of the fourth trimester.
Oh, wow, Kristen, I just love this. Bravo, bravo. This is hard for me too, as I’m sure you can imagine, and I do regret times I did not set aside all the ways in which I normally am in the world to immerse myself fully in the unique and once-in-a-lifetime experience of those first months. They are full of both tears and wonder, as we know. I’m so thrilled (and impressed) to hear you write this way about your first days and weeks with your little girl. Sending you all so much love. xox
Thank you, my friend. Much love right back to you.
Kristen, this is a great post. I am glad that you have found a way to maintain your sanity. It’s wonderful to find the balance in life and I think you have found yours. :)
Thanks, Ayala. I don’t know if it’s a permanent balance, but it’s a comfortable temporary one, at least. :)
Sounds lovely…you almost make me want to have another baby just to try out enjoying it all over again. I think with my first son the fourth trimester was bliss, but with twins…forget it. There was very little enjoying and a whole lot of hanging on by my fingernails. But it’s all good. The oldest’s first food was mushed pear from his grandparents’ tree (before that he migh have sucked on the core of a wild apple from next to our then-under-construction house)…with the twins…who knows? Poor kids.
Paint it Black.
My sister-in-law was just visiting and we were wondering how many people go on to have more kids after surviving the crucible of twins. I wonder if you know any as a mom o’ twins. (Braver folks than I, I’m sure.)
I was able to enjoy the 4th trimester with Miss M. much better than I did with D. Maybe because she was an “easier” baby or maybe because I just knew that resistance was futile.
Resistance is futile. A perfect alternate title for this post. xo
This is beautiful. My “4th trimester” with my 1st kid was the ninth circle of hell — she was colicky, I was unable to relax, and I was completely stressed about being out of work. I am due with my 2nd in a few short weeks, and am hoping hoping hoping that this time I’ll be able to achieve what you describe.
Hi, MLR,
Thanks for visiting Motherese and taking the time to leave a comment.
My husband and I were just talking last night, wondering whether the fact that we’re having a much easier time during these months with our third child has more to do with her pleasant disposition or the fact that we are less anxious as parents. I suspect that both are contributing factors.
I sincerely hope that you find your second round with the fourth trimester to be everything you hope for. Best wishes to you in the final weeks of your pregnancy, your delivery, and your new life as a mom of two.
The fourth trimester. Lovely way to put it. And no – there was never time for enjoying it. Only office work to be done (unofficially from home), seemingly endless sleepless nights (went on for ages), but still – the punctuation through the blur of those beautiful baby smiles and looks, the feel of the satiny skin, the scent of their newness…
Here’s to whatever it takes to ensure a small measure of sanity to make way for the months and years that come next. Not to mention to protect the core relationship which produced the little miracles that expand our hearts as well as our schedules.
You sound so balanced! And like you are so enjoying your little girl. Thank you for this wisdom here and the reminder to say Why Not? as well as taking time for ourselves!
A room of our own is something that I think most of us need. I certainly do. I remember the nights with my kids and while I didn’t always have to get up (can’t breastfeed for obvious reasons) I do remember being exhausted more often than not.
But that little space we take for ourselves has always gone a long way towards helping me to relax.
Favorite Stones song, well maybe Child of the Moon.
I admit: I hated the fourth trimester and was so glad when it was over. I think I have determined that, alas, I am not a “baby person,” if there is such a thing. That said, I wish I would have let go more and allowed the chaos to creep in. I don’t think I would have hated those three months so much.
You know what? I’m not really a “baby person” either. I’ve enjoyed motherhood more once my kids have gotten a little older and more interactive. I think the difference for me this time around was that those stolen moments nursing and gazing at my daughter were often my only downtime in a day with the other two little ones running around. So becoming a baby person temporarily was a form of self-care in a way (if that even makes any sense).
Kristen, the words of a wise mother to be sure. How spacious these ruminations are, embracing all that is instead of wishing for something other. I envy you (a little) the wonder and intensity of this time. So good that you allow yourself to soak it up and appreciate it, and, in doing so, allow us to share it with you.
Why not. Why not? A beautiful, grounded mantra, one which I will (steal) and absorb more and fold into my repertoire. The space that these two words bring into my moments as a mother never cease to amaze me.
However, I struggle when my various needs and desires rail against one another:
Engrossed time with my kiddos.
Time to write.
Time to read other’s writing.
Time to cook.
Time to talk with my husband.
At any given moment, they all clamor for prioritization.
I love the idea of the 4th trimester–so insighfully named. I do wish I could go back and fully appreciate that final grouping of days.
and PS: You Can’t Always Get What You Want is my favorite Stones song.
xoxo
If I could think clearly, this is what I would have said.
I found much more joy in the fourth trimester with my second than with my first. I believe much of it came from experience.
Something I am fighting is guilt for not being as relaxed with my first. Do you have this too? It’s something I must fight daily.
Anyway, Andrew’s first food was refried beans. He loved them! Emily’s was rice and she wasn’t too impressed. Hmmm….
I am thrilled that you are taking time to enjoy this period with your darling girl.
I definitely relate to that feeling of guilt about how anxious I was with my eldest, but then I also think back to his infancy when it was just the two of us and I was totally devoted to his every need – something that the other two never experienced, a fact which, of course, makes me feel guilty in turn. Hmm, I always manage to feel guilty about something. I suspect you can relate? :)
Oh, how I wish I had known you during my “fourth trimester” (Love this phrase!) When my youngest was born, my older son was only 10 months old. My fourth trimester is just a great big ol’ blur.
I can’t even imagine. That’s like having twins, but with one newborn and one old enough to be semi-mobile and completely lacking in judgment. I shudder at the thought! :)
I think, as a fellow Type A, it’s amazing when you can slow down and just ENJOY LIFE for any period of tim.
Favorite Rolling Stones song? Under My Thumb…
First food: utterly boring rice cereal.
For the record, the fourth trimester was a happy honeymoon, with each of the boys. Although I managed to do a lot more with my last baby, I treasured each moment. I knew he was our last, so nothing kept me from enjoying those first months. Not even sleep deprivation.
I have a hard time comparing the fourth trimester for my children as I was so young and single when I adopted Javi, but older and married when I gave birth to Bella. I was more relaxed with the baby #2, but my body was less exhausted with #1. I enjoyed the moments of getting to know each of them, but I think I relaxed into it more the second time around.
Two words came to mind when I read your piece (which I revisited today after reflecting on your words) : Letting go. Thanks for showing us that it is possible. xoxo
My first son’s fourth trimester was exhausting for me. He would take 45-minute naps during the day and sleep an hour and a half in a row at night. He was a lazy sucker so breastfeeding was hard to take on. He also had GERD very early on, which caused him a lot of pain and me a lot of anxiety. I also had to go back to work after 8 weeks and I hated every minute of it.
My second was a piece of cake in comparison. He took 2 or 3-hour naps, slept 5 hours a night from the day he was born. He was a sucking pro, a super easy baby and I stayed home for 12 weeks. I loved these moments with him but I really enjoy today a lot more, now they’re both talking, funny, active, learning and telling jokes.
How lovely this is, and you have captured exactly how I think I would be and feel if I had a third child. I adore my kids, but I didn’t really enjoy the baby stage. I devoted myself to it, but it really stressed me out. I like to think I would be laid back if I ever had a third, but I have never felt the urge to keep going and have more children.
Is it possible that with the third, a parent truly knows how fast those first few years go, and it is easier to enjoy that time? When I was in the midst of my children’s babyhood I thought I was lost forever.
The 4th trimester was so difficult for me and I now blame my chronic insomnia due to all the bedtime anxiety – when will I get the baby down, how long will he sleep, will he go back down after I nurse him, how long will he sleep (and let me sleep). It has taken me years to relax on the Type A in my life. I’ve worked full-time with all of them and with each child getting older and having more activities, the stress on my life trying to manage it all became unbearable. I became unbearable. And then one day I realized that the world would not crumble if I missed a soccer practice.
This is my roundabout way of saying that I hope you hold on to the feeling of going with the flow. You will need it in the future more than ever. And this comes from a Type A Control Freak.
Thanks, Cathy. I’m very grateful for your perspective from a little further up the road.
And I know exactly what you mean about the sleep issues. I used to be a great sleeper, but, even though my baby has been sleeping through the night for awhile, I still feel on edge a lot at night, never sure if and when she’ll need me.
Oh – and my favorite Rolling Stones song – Start Me Up.
There is so much spaciousness in surrender, I cannot understand what makes it so difficult. As if one needs to go through some private Hell before coming to the gates of Paradise.
Very good. It’s excellent that you were able to find time for yourself. I also found that the third baby went smoother somehow. I’m still trying to figure out this personal time business and I so sorely need it.
Of course it’s no surprise that I could relate to every word in this post: time and room of my own, my need for order and routine, all of it critical to my mental health. But what you write about here is the very reason I want a third, I want to be able to give in to all the things that I didn’t with the first two, I want to just succumb to motherhood in ways I didn’t know how with them. Is that a reason to have a third? Probably not, but it’s certainly the right attitude if we do!
Ahh…wise old words from a Rolling Stone classic… .o). Your little pioneer girl sounds lovely!
Indeed she is. Thanks so much for visiting Motherese!
4th trimester with my first were some of the worst months of my life. 4th trimester with my second were so much better. It’s such a wonderful time, albeit exhausting. Congrats to you for finding your zen with it!
I have very much enjoyed the 4th trimester with both of my girls. I cannot believe it is already over with my 3-month-old.
I love it, “giving myself a pat on my type A back.” I also find myself trying to remember to say, “why not” as often as possible.
It’s funny you bring up the Rolling Stones today as all day I have been thinking of the proverb, “a rolling stone gathers no moss.” I think change is in the air.
Cheers!
I love this piece, and the comments that followed here. Right now, I’m still in this magical yet difficult fourth trimester, although I find it easier with my second than my first. I agree with Amber that experience has a lot to do with it.
Like you, I’ve given myself over to my baby at this stage simply because I know this is the last fourth semester in my life, and I really just wanted to savor each moment. I miss writing and reading but I can always do those later. My baby will not stay a baby for long. Given the choice between writing and having my mom put her to bed or putting her to bed myself and skipping the writing, I have been choosing the latter.
It drives me crazy because having a baby’s needs dictate my decisions often means letting go of my need for routine and order but I know in the end, this is what’s going to help me look back on this part of our lives fondly and not with regret.