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I’ve been in a “Mom Funk” lately – so much so that I feel like I’ve forgotten my good parenting instincts and am looking everywhere for help in resetting my internal compass. I surf around Internet parenting sites that I usually never visit hoping that they will give me the answer to all of my questions, even though I know in my head that no such answer exists. Last night I filled – and then emptied – my Amazon shopping cart, hoping that a dozen different parenting manuals might help.
And then I remembered the most important parenting resource I have at my disposal: other parents. And that includes you, my friends. I’m asking for your advice today.
My current dilemma? Kids’ activities.
I’ve over-committed us these past few weeks and my kids and I are showing battle scars from too much time running from here to there and too little time hanging out at home. Big Brother, especially, has been short-tempered and it’s becoming clearer to me that he tends toward introversion, needing space and alone time in his days to feel calm and contented.
I know this. I see this. And yet when flyers fill my mailbox reminding me to sign up for dance class and YMCA soccer and swimming lessons (the current bane of my existence) and library story time, I take them as a direct order: sign up your kids now or else.
Or else what? They’ll miss the chance – at ages almost 4 and 2 – to be Olympic soccer stars? They’ll never discover their inborn gift for somersaults?
I asked Christine Carter about this very issue when I interviewed her during our Raising Happiness book club. I asked her, “Like your own daughters, kids these days have an avalanche of activities that they can pursue. Given your thoughts about the growth mindset and the importance of free play, where would you draw the line between pushing kids too much and providing them with too little encouragement to try out new things?”
And she responded,
Great question. I wish I could give parents a decision tree for how to know when they are over-scheduling their kids, but honestly, the line is different in every kid and every family. I struggle with this a lot myself. Here is how I decide with my kids:
- Does my child really want to do the activity, or is it mostly my idea? Is the activity I’m considering more what I want (e.g. a kid who learns to be a great team-player through years of organized sports) than what my kids want (they are BEGGING for piano lessons, but would rather die than try out for soccer)?
- Am I being seduced by the idea that more skills and more achievements for my kids will somehow bring greater happiness and well-being? Is there a chance that adding this activity might actually lower well-being by cutting into too much free-play, sleep, or dinnertime? In other words, do my kids have some free-play time every single day? Are they getting enough sleep? Are we managing to eat dinner together 5 nights a week or more?
- Will adding this activity make ME more stressed, more anxious, or busy? Will it cut into MY happiness? Is there a way that I could make it happen without adding more to my plate?
I’m finding that very few activities meet that criteria, but when they do, they are worth it!
And this advice is really helpful, and it confirms what I’ve been seeing with my kids these past few weeks.
But I wonder: because they are still so young, if I don’t introduce my kids to new things, how will they have the chance to figure out what they like, what to ask for? How can I have a reasonable discussion about “want” with people who endlessly change their minds about which cereal to eat for breakfast?
I’ve been talking about this topic non-stop with my local friends; I even brought it up yesterday morning in the waiting room at Big Brother’s tumbling class. I know, as Christine says and is true in so many aspects of parenting, that there is no one right answer. But I’d love to know what you think, what you do with your kids.
Because just like it takes a village to raise a child, it apparently takes a village to help me make decisions for mine.
How do you decide which activities to let your kids pursue? How much is too much?
{ 75 comments… read them below or add one }
My oldest is freshly 6. He has been in tball and he and his freshly 4 brother, do swimming lessons. That’s all we’ve done because fiirstly, that’s all I can handle…heh, and b/c I think if they started any younger…well, for us that would be unneccesary.. they’ve done really well w/ free play and play dates and preschool here and there and that feels like more than enough. I feel like we’re seeing what they love to do without having to try it all outside home b/c life around here is full of trying things. Their Daddy is energetic that way :)
It’s a tricky thing to navigate and I really have no idea what I’m doing, but. I try to remember that it will all work out as they unfold and confirm (or not) my gut about what they need. I hope :)
I love, love, love that your boys are just that much older than mine that you can be my trailblazer. (Of course, my baby girl is just that much older than yours that the pressure will be on me soon enough…I better start getting my act together… :)
I really like what you said here: “life around here is full of trying things.” Such an important thing to remember in this age of over-scheduling.
My oldest is 6, the others are 4 and 2. We did swimming lessons for 6yo this summer, but that is basically all we’ve done aside from play dates and park days. (We did try karate when he was 5, through our church, but it became clear after about 3 weeks that he wasn’t ready and didn’t really want to be there, so we stopped.)
Although 6yo is an extrovert and loves being around people, he also gets over-stimulated easily and NEEDS some quiet time in every day. 4yo is very introverted and outright refuses to join activities of any sort. 2yo is way too young, imo.
I agree that it is a tricky balance to find, but I think the overarching factor has to be “is this good for the FAMILY?” Because if it is bad for the family, in the end it is also probably bad for the child.
Hi, Emily. Thanks so much for stopping by Motherese.
I really appreciate your perspective as a fellow mom of three (and one with the same age spacing, it seems; mine are almost 4, 2, and 5 months). I think you’re absolutely right to place the emphasis on what is best for the family: in the long run, if an activity doesn’t make sense for the group, it will never work out. After this discussion, I am feeling a lot more secure in my gut instinct to schedule less for my kids.
Thanks again!
ivillage here. I’m in the same boat and finally gave up swim lessons for next year as I just couldn’t manage any more commitments and it was eating into family time (on sundays!) but I haven’t found a solution. I’m thinking of asking the kids to pick 3 (yeah, I know, that’s hardly a trifle!) of their faves and drop everything else. Right now they both do 5 and that’s just too much. I like Christine’s list, esp #3. Under the guise of “enriching” my children I often stress myself out.
Delia LLoyd
http://www.realdelia.com
As a stay-at-home mother (slowly becoming a part-time work-at-home mother), I confess that a lot of the drive to do activities with my kids is to have a structured reason to get out of the house. On the one hand I know that we can all keep each other entertained at home and in our yard; on the other hand I sometimes feel like I lack the motivation to be the cruise director every day; on the third hand (which I desperately need these days) I know that they don’t need a cruise director at all.
I’m strugging with this one as well. Throughout the year my girls take swimming lessons and piano lessons fairly consistently, except piano is through the school which thankfully gives us the summer off. We also take the summer off from swimming lessons because we will do a lot of outdoor swimming anyway which gives them a chance to practice what they have learned. In winter they take downhill ski lessons, and in summer my youngest plays soccer…my oldest has decided she does not want soccer anymore and we have respected that.
With all of these things, I feel our activity schedule is full. It isn’t that much, but we all love our downtime at home, and the girls have time to just play with friends which I think is just as important as any activity.
Why I’m struggling now is because they both want to add dance to the list, and one of my girls seems to have some genuine talent for this. I think I need to let them try it, but I’m not keen to add anything more now, particularly something that usually needs special costumes and shoes. Oh, and then I just heard about a wonderful school of speech and drama in our city which helps kids learn to speak in public and gain confidence, and also provide them with a love of theater and arts. So what do I do??
Sorry, I’m not being very helpful here, but it is a great question and not an easy one either. I will be reading what others comment here.
I’m curious, Finola: did your girls originally ask for the activities that they do or did your and your husband suggest them and then they ended up enjoying them?
Oh, you made me think on this one. I believe that we picked them for the most part and then the girls liked the activities. For us, learning to swim is a must for safety reasons, and music lessons of some kind was important to us as well. I wanted them to learn to downhill ski because I never did and now I’m too old and scared, and so I missed out on some fun times with friends over the years.
Love reading all the other comments here!
Oh, this one is so hard. My older is going to be four in November, and I’m starting to feel panicky about needing to sign her up for things NOW or she’ll maybe her miss her chance to become great at … something! I think half of this stems from my thwarted dreams to become a champion figure skater, never mind the fact that no matter how early I started I never, ever would have had the discipline or talent to go very far with it, but there you have it. I have to be careful to not try to live vicariously through my kids! Thankfully my husband helps keep us balanced. We are going to try, as the girls get older, to limit them to ONE sporting activity per season, ONE musical pursuit at a time, etc. We’ll see how that goes.
I was never a great athlete, but I did start playing basketball at an early enough age to be pretty good at it. As far as I remember (and I’d have to ask my parents for confirmation), I picked it up in third grade. I know times have changed, but since I suspect my kids will be neither Yo-Yo Ma nor Yao Ming, I have to remind myself that they have plenty of time to figure out what they want to pursue.
But it’s so hard not to feel that panic you mention. I wonder if our parents ever felt that way.
I have no answers, because I really do believe this is highly individual. As a family we err on the side of conservative. Our youngest (2.5) is in nothing at the moment, in the fall we’ll resume a round of swimming lessons. Our oldest is one activity at a time. That has a lot to do with not over-programming them, but even more to do with not over-programming us. Our lives are naturally busy with work, commutes, and come fall school. That’s enough for me. If they show an interest, then I’ll let them join (but only one at a time). I figure the day will come when they will start to know, primarily because of exposure at school. Until then, for us, hanging low and just doing whatever comes with the day, works just fine.
This makes so much sense to me: “I figure the day will come when they will start to know, primarily because of exposure at school. Until then, for us, hanging low and just doing whatever comes with the day, works just fine.”
I think my inability to be patient and wait for the answer to become obvious is symptomatic of greater issues I have as a parent – and a human being, for that matter.
If it were up to Miss D., she’d have a notch on her dance card every day. Alas, I am Mean Mommy. I can only handle one activity at a time, per kid. So if she wants swim team, gymnastics is out until the end of the season. She gets a bit exasperated with me, but that’s my rule.
Maybe you can use Miss M’s broken arm as an excuse for them to do nothing ever again. Swimming and gymnastics are dangerous!!! :)
I think that, given your kids’ ages, you are not at all doing them a disservice by eliminating (or not choosing) extra activities. All or most activities. The protegy who composes symphonies at age 4 or can play competitive golf at 3 is rare and the cost of pushing those things on your child too high. If your kids show an interest or an aptitude in something, or, as Dr. Carter says it’s important to them (or, I dare say in some cases, important to you–by which I mean swimming lessons, which are a critical skill for kids), then, sure explore it. But don’t fall for the marketing that your kids must be in music lessons (or dance or gymnastics or team sports) beginning at age 2 in order to excel and math and go to the college of their choice. Kids need free play and family time more than they need formal lessons in anything, especially when they are young.
Dr. Carter’s advice is very good, but at a young age, as you said, sometimes kids don’t know what they want. They also, blessedly, don’t know what they’re missing if it’s not presented to them. For example, we don’t participate in the summer library program because 1) mom & dad work outside the home, albeit part-time and 2) we read with the kids EVERY day ourselves. While the library program may be fun and I’m glad it’s offered, we value the time together as a family more.
Swim lessons (currently the bane of my existence, too) is a bit different in my mind in that we live near a river and we–as a family–do water-related activites a lot. I think it is critical for my kids to know how to swim and I do not feel qualified to teach them properly. So I do “make” the kids take swimming lessons. Luckily the 7-year-old is finally hitting her groove with it this summer and the 4-your-old is having fun with it. But between swimming and day camp, I think that is quite enough for them to be involved in.
Sorry…what I meant to add in the second to last paragraph, above, is that my kids don’t miss the library program because I made the decision and didn’t tell them it was offered. I didn’t (and won’t lie) or go through contortions to keep it from them, but I just didn’t tell them it was an option.
MY 7-year-old is asking lately for lessons in violin. I will explore that for her because she brought it up. The 4 year-old seems to have an aptitude for music (she can pick up a tune after hearing it only once and “gets” patterns easily) but I am not going to put her in lessons until 1) she indicates somehow she is interested–which may come when she sees sister doing it and 2) she is developmentally ready to actually play an instrument (i.e. is coordinated enough and has a long enough attention span).
I’ll shut up now. I don’t mean to imply that these decisions are easy or to invalidate your concerns at all. It is hard. But then parenting in general is hard. You will make the right decision for your family…and even if you don’t, you’ll be able to change it.
Hi, Wesley, and thanks so much for stopping by.
I think you make a very important point: the ball (soccer ball, basketball, T-ball…) is completely in my court right now. My kids aren’t asking for anything and they don’t know about all the choices that are available unless I present the options to them. This dilemma will get both harder and easier, I suppose, when they are old enough to ask for what they want.
And, as you wisely point out, this is a decision that can be made over and over again. Whatever I choose this fall, I can stick with or change in the spring. Wouldn’t it be nice if all of our choices as parents could be so easily reversed?
Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
Having just finished up baseball season with three boys (on, thankfully, only two separate teams), I am so with you sister, though it was I who felt overwhelmed and overscheduled more than they, (although on at least one occassion at least one child staged a sit-in in protest). I don’t know the answer either, except that my kids LOVE baseball and I’ll probably never get out of it. My friend told me about her fried who limited activities to one per season (that’s ONE, period, not one per kid, meaning the oldest kid got season one, the next season two, and so-on) for one year and the next year they did no activities AT ALL. It sounds wonderful, but I doubt it will ever happen in my house. I would say, (as an introvert who works outside the home and therefore is not in need of much social stimulation myself), I wish I had skippe the La Leche League meetings, play groups and breastfeeding support groups and gymnastics classes when my kids were very little and just spent more time just hanging out with them, because (yes I know it’s cliche) they grow up SO FAST! And there’s plenty of time for them to try activities out when they’re older. And one more piece of advice–skip T-Ball. It’s a total joke.
I think there’s a lot of truth in that particular cliche, and it’s one that I need to be reminded of as I’m too often wishing the days away.
As for t-ball, a friend was just telling me about her son’s experience. He knows how to hit a pitch and was excited for his first taste of baseball. Little did they realize that t-ball (at least where they live) involves hitting off the T alone so no pitches for him until he’s older. Back in my day they pitched a certain number of times and, if you couldn’t make contact, out came the T. I guess times have changed!
Those guiding questions are terrific. So much so that I sent myself a copy to save for later, when they become relevant!
As for what you fear your children are missing out on because they don’t know to ask — I got a lot of inspiration as a kid from hearing about things in books I read (or that were read to me). This (obviously) isn’t the only way to introduce your kids to potential interests, but it’s a less full-bodied commitment to such things (no wet swimsuits to wash, etc.). Who knows, if something is fascinating enough via pictures and the printed word, maybe that’s a good indicator that more experiential exposure is worth pursuing. And then there’s that whole, “Look, I did x just like y character did!” thing …
Thank you for this. I was an avid reader as a kid and I remember being inspired and transported by things I read. One thing I do know that my boys love is books so this is a great reminder to me to follow their lead and see what they might pick up from the stories they enjoy. Thanks, CT.
I struggle with that too. Working full time, the juggling adds to the challenge. Also, there’s the financial limitation. With all that in mind, I’ve decided that if my 5-year-old really wants an activity, and it is reasonable, we will allow her to do it. She has been taking Ballet for the past year, and absolutely loves it. So she is doing it again. She has requested gymnastics, but we gave her the choice: Ballet or gymnastics. Then there are others that we think are necessary, like swimming. She could take or leave the swimming lessons, but we think they are important. There’s Hebrew school too. The reality is we would love to expose our kids to every activity, but there are only so many hours in the week, and dollars in the bank.
You make an important point, Mel, about the financial element of these decisions. We’re lucky to live in a community where most of the activities are free or very low-cost. I imagine things are quite different in your neck of the woods. (A friend of mine who lives in Queens literally choked on her coffee when I told her how little we pay for preschool.)
We haven’t yet arrived at the activity phase of our lives but I am watching my good friend go through it. I find myself amazed that her kids are spending their time in dinosaur camp, swimming lessons, tennis and even golf. On weekends she takes them to the opera or movies if they are kid-friendly. While I applaud all she is introducing them to, I find myself already rejecting a similar plans for our kids.
This coming from a person who couldn’t decide so lettered in high school volleyball, basketball, track and golf.
I guess my point is that I am in the same boat as you. Completely torn about how much to sign our kids up for once they are older. I do find that even if I want to keep them home for play time, sleep, etc. my husband is probably going to want to take them to do the activity anyway.
I need to read through your other commenters for advice as well. Cheers!
Two good days coming up in the Tour! Wish we could watch them together!
First of all, the only way to know what too much is is to do too much. So don’t beat yourself up about that.
For me, my boys don’t like ANYTHING. Gus (2) loves soccer (he plays all day) so he’ll probably play when he’s older but it’s hell trying to get Oliver to do anything. So I don’t. Right now we go to parks and they ride their bikes and have a playdate or two a week. They also love to go on hiking trails.
I think you should do what works for you and not them. You have a baby and that makes things HARD. They are happy when you are happy (I am saying this because I am sick and cranky today and so is everyone else.)
“They are happy when you are happy.”
I am a big believer in the happiness feedback loop, so I really appreciate this reminder that, at this age especially, I have to do what works for me and my husband and the good stuff will likely fall into place.
Thank you, Pamela!
Hi Kristen – Thanks so much for stopping by today. Of course, I had to follow you here to see the post since you said we were in similar circumstances. I like the questions to help decide what is/isn’t a good choice. I wrote on a similar topic today, but not as detailed. Too bad I didn’t post it to get your take on that! I have it scheduled to post tomorrow – (just to see if the scheduling thing works!). That post you read on taking back my family is actually a project we are starting in september. I am in the process of mapping it out. I hope to post on it on thursdays under the label Take Back My Family (having that goal will at least help me focus on it once a week.) The project involves more than activities……. I am hoping to realign our vision with our actual lives in many ways.
Hi MK – I’m really delighted to have met you. (Thanks again, Christa, for the introduction.) I am very much looking forward to following along with your Take Back My Family series and I really relate to the way you have structured your approach: making a plan and then scheduling periodic check-ins to keep yourself honest as you move forward.
I’m always pleased to meet new friends and bloggers who are working on the same priorities as I. Cheers!
Kristen,
This summer we’ve done no scheduled activities, no classes or lessons. After the school year it felt really good to downshift into this mode.
It gets easier now that the kids are older. I’m not so unnerved by waking up and seeing the whole day yawn out in front of us. In fact, I love slowing down to the kids’ level and watching their imaginations bloom in the face of unlimited possibilities.
Also, your kids are young. They have so much time to “develop interests,” and they will do it on their very own right before your eyes. Just watch!
I hope it doesn’t sound too sad for me to admit that I really need to hear this and to be reminded of it again and again. Why am I in such a rush for my kids to figure out who they are and what they want to do? Then again, maybe if I could quiet my mind and all its worrying, I could listen long enough for them to tell me.
Thanks, Rachel, for being such a calm and reasonable voice in my life.
Kristen, I have friends that run around from activity to activity. I have to say that when my children were small I wasn’t big on keeping them busy that way. I spent time reading, coloring, playing. There was a relaxed feel to their childhood. When they got older we would do the activity that they chose. Josh loved baseball and soccer. Daniel loved Kung Fu. Downtime is so important for kids, I believe. I can’t compare because you have three little ones and mine grew up fifteen years apart. It’s as if they grew up as only children.
I try to remind myself that as a child, I did not do anything until nursery school at age 4 1/2. And that was it! My mom never arranged a playdate. I simply played with my sister or myself. And even as I got older, my parents limited our activities. And in the summers, we did nothing! What I remember from those childhood summers was the endless amount of time to do anything. It was wonderful to wake up each morning and have the whole day in front of me to play, to read, to lay on the grass and watch the clouds go by. Those were the lazy days of summer, and they were wonderful. That’s what I want for my boys. But, Kristen, I feel your same confusion. I constantly wonder if I am holding my son back by not enrolling him in soccer or music. Am I doing him a disservice if I don’t get him to the library storytime? This spring, with a baby in the house, I felt like we did very few planned activities. And I felt like a bad mother. Then again, we had a lot of fun just reading and playing together. And lately, we’ve been having an awful lot of fun running through our sprinklers! Maybe that’s what it should be about — the simple joys of a childhood summer.
I know that feeling well – the one where you just cannot get in the car and drive to swim lessons one. more. time.
I think it’s wise to remember it’s different for every kid, and for every family. And I also think it’s good to remember that if your child really loves something – and shows an aptitude for it – that will reveal itself in time. Missing a season of this lesson or that team will be okay in the long run. Your family is in transition right now, adjusting to being +1 more, and the best thing may be to take some time off. If you lose your mind, it won’t matter what the kids are signed up for, because mom will a goner. ;-)
Thank you so much, Missy, for the gentle reminder that we are still adjusting to life with three. (Really, the last four years have been an adjustment – to one baby, then two, now three.) This post is probably emblematic of my general tendency to look ahead to the next thing when the current thing is still kicking my butt. :)
Kristen – great post! Can’t tell you how many times I have done exactly this: “Last night I filled – and then emptied – my Amazon shopping cart, hoping that a dozen different parenting manuals might help.” Although my cart was filled with books for new moms :)
While I don’t have a child of activity age yet, I can tell you something I remember from my own childhood – I went to summer day camp. My parents felt it was important for me to have some structure during the summer, but…once I was there, I had choices. I could sign up for swimming or archery or arts and crafts or sing-alongs. I think the combo of guided activities with the option to chose for yourself is really important to kids – structure is important and helps, but we also need to trust in their own developing autonomy. And we always got a break from the scheduling on the weekends!
Hi Sarah – My oldest will be in preschool three mornings a week this fall. He loved school last year and really thrived in the environment of choice within structure that you describe. Your comment makes me realize that I don’t necessarily need to do much to supplement that at his age. After all, mornings at home or afternoons in our backyard give him plenty of opportunity to choose among many things he enjoys.
Thanks!
Glad to be of help! I think it’s a tough job – finding that perfect balance between structure and freedom, but kids are our best barometer. If we can trust in them, we’ll make the right decisions!
I’m for right attitude ahead of right schedule—but mostly just stopping by to send empathy for those all-too-frequent moments of doubt, depletion and even despair. Namaste through the ebb and flow
My kids have a tendency to not want to do anything at all, so I do have to give a “gentle nudge,” as in signing them up and hoping it goes well! My daughter, a born athlete, resisted signing up for sports yet loved them once she did. My son has been in sports but now is not, though he had an incredibly successful summer as a camp counselor, something he, again, didn’t want to do! One of my best attributes as a mother? Reading their minds. :)
I know that with my husband working up to 60 hours a week and the entire schedule falling on me, there was only so much I could do. I knew from the start that I couldn’t be superwoman. I also know that when my daughter says she wants to take breakdancing, it’s probably just because she saw it on some show and not something I should immediately jump on!
Do you remember, Linda, when you started nudging? I’m pretty convinced that age 4 is too young, but I wonder: how young is too young?
I am in a mom-funk, too! Good to know I’m not alone. The only thing we’ve done for my 4-year-old is fall soccer, and I felt bad about not doing T-ball this summer until I realized how much of a time commitment it is. He seems too young for us to be running to practices at the end of the day. I guess I figure that preschool and summer camp and the occasional playdate are enough socialization, even though I often want more structure to my day. But when I have it, I get worked up because we have no down-time. So I would say you should just go with your gut.
“I often want more structure to my day. But when I have it, I get worked up because we have no down-time.”
This is me. Exactly.
I’m so glad you’re asking yourself these questions now, at the point when it all seems to begin, and then becomes a slippery slope.
All I can say is to use your maternal gut – and pay attention to what genuinely appeals to your kids – or you’ll find yourself doing what (most?) other mothers do, slave to schedules that spill over into any spontaneous playtime – for their kids, and for them with their kids.
Only you and your husband can figure out what amount of “activities” feels manageable for you – and your kids.
I saw friends and neighbors sending their little ones out to soccer, music, dance, drama, swimming, and other activities from the age of two – often filling four or five days, for each child.
Personally, I thought it was nuts – nuts for the kids, and nuts for whomever has to keep up with the logistics (and cost) of all that. In my case it was me; simply logic – and wanting kids to “free play” – dictated my path from the beginning. One activity / child, the ability when they were little to try something and then discard it, and even by elementary school, it was one sport only or one other activity like music, and that was that.
By the time they were older, their interests were clearer and they got involved in two activities each (or so). I think our obsession with overscheduling our kids is ridiculous, and more about the parents than the children.
I’d like to think that the culture is slowly shifting away from our tendency toward overscheduling – or maybe that’s just my perception living as I do far from a major metropolitan area. But I think you’re absolutely right that it’s more about the parents – and our fears and biases – than about the kids in most cases.
This topic is a great debate in our family. I was the over-scheduled one growing up and I am determined that my kids won’t be. My husband didn’t do many extra-curriculars as a child and now? He wants the boys involved in their every interest. We’re trying to strike a balance. It’s hard. But we’re trying.
I am determined not to overschedule my child. I get uncomfortable when we have too much going on. Somedays my daughter and I just read books together, have conversation and even take naps. I think ultimately you have to listen to your inner mother voice and decide what is right for you and your kids. I know parents that have their kid in an activity everyday and you can see tired eyes in both their faces. I am wondering if this overcommittment is creating this feeling of “busy” for their kids so that the parents feel as if they are accomplishing something. Sometimes I believe that parents schedule a multitude of activities in order to avoid quiet.
“I am wondering if this overcommittment is creating this feeling of ‘busy’ for their kids so that the parents feel as if they are accomplishing something. Sometimes I believe that parents schedule a multitude of activities in order to avoid quiet.”
These sentences definitely describe me at times. I know that I sometimes get too hung up on measuring things and so it’s not always easy to accept the fact that most “achievements” of childhood can’t be measured.
Thanks for this perspective, my friend.
My kids go to preschool three mornings a week right now, so I don’t feel a need for additional playdates and “enrichment”. On their free days, we go to the park, the zoo, museums, indoor playgrounds when it’s too hot.
As for scheduled activities, I signed both of them up for swim lessons this summer because I want to be able to take them by myself to our HOA pool and since they can’t swim, I don’t feel it’s safe. This was my choice, not theirs, but they’re enjoying it and it’s crucial they learn to swim.
I also signed up my eldest for karate lessons. Again my choice, not his. I wanted him to be exposed to an activity that nurtures discipline and focus, which he desperately needs. He’s enjoying it so I hope he learns from it. My youngest is only three and a half so I’ll wait a while but I think karate may do him good too.
My eldest is really interested in art and music so in the fall, I’d like to find him an art class, and maybe a music class (drums and rhythm), once a week, to develop his talents. I know he’ll really enjoy these activities.
No way I’d sign up my kids for a whole bunch of activities at once. I find it very American to keep our kids as busy and overscheduled as possible, not knowing how to relax by doing “nothing”. Free play is super important for young kids, as it caters to their imagination. Most kids who are signed up for too many activities have no clue how to entertain themselves in their free time. It’s a sad reality.
“Most kids who are signed up for too many activities have no clue how to entertain themselves in their free time.”
I think this is a very important point, Milka. When I think about it, I’d much rather have my kids know how to entertain themselves (and each other) than schlep them around town trying to keep them active.
You and I are lucky to have had our kids so close in age and should do everything we can to encourage siblings to bond. That means have them spend a lot of imaginary playtime together, without adult involvement. My kids go on “adventures” together and have a great time together.
I see so many siblings enrolled in separate extra-curricular activities, with no time to spend together. They grow up not knowing who their brothers and sisters really are and don’t connect. It’s really sad because friends may come and go but siblings will be around their whole lives.
This is another great point, Milka. I know my boys really value the time they have to play together. And I value it too.
Your question brings up a lot of stuff about control and freedom for me. My name is Wolf and I am a control freak. Sometimes I think the best I can do is to just chill and let my son be. It should be the business of children to waste time. I like what Amelia said about watching the clouds go by. I did a lot of that once. So I taught Nick to find shapes in the clouds and watch them change. For better or worse, it doesn’t seem possible to get him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. If he likes something we think is good, like drawing, then we encourage him, maybe by making it possible for him to take a class. And if he likes something we think is pernicious, like screens, we impose limits. I wish my wife and I spoke another language and could teach it to him just by speaking it around the house. I wish he had a pair of grandparents who lived on a farm. I wish a lot of things. I try to keep my wishes to myself, because I suspect Nick isn’t disappointed in the least by not having them come true.
Control freak here, too. (As if you couldn’t tell…)
You make a great point, Wolf, about our wishes and how they might not be the same as our kids’. I think the wish I need to focus on right now is having a calm, sane home environment. I suspect that if I let go and allow that to happen, everyone’s wishes will come true.
My kids only have two activities during the school year. It is too much to try to get them from one place to another after a full day at school (and work for me) and have adequate time for home work, dinner and just some down time to regroup for the next day.
During the summer, we add swimming, mostly because I want them to be confident in the water, a complete back lash to my own struggles in the water. Even then, I feel pulled in all sorts of directions, but there is no real work commitments the following day.
I agree that the mere mention of the activities out there is enough to make you want to try it all out, but if you are stressed and your children are stressed, where is the value in what you are enrolling them in?
I think you need to search for three types of activities: One independent (art, writing etc.), one team (sport or dance), one music. Between those three you learn SO many different thing about yourself, cooperation and the world around you. The problem is that in today’s culture, you don’t need three activities, you need 6!
I would say keep throwing things until they stick, while allowing for ample “down time.” When Big Brother finds a passion, it will NEVER seem like work :)
Thanks for your ideas, Kat. I love the structure you give to it: one independent activity, one team activity, and one musical pursuit. Now I wonder what my three activities are… :)
GREAT post! I enjoyed reading the comments.
I’m not sure what my response is because Wee ‘Burb is so little, but I do think about this a lot. A friend of mine has a 4 year old and she is in something EVERY NIGHT! So she goes to daycare, then is schlepped off to some class, eats dinner late, and then goes to bed. My friend says “well, she wants to do all these classes!” My response? “I wanted to be Winnie the Pooh at that age.”
It’s up to US as parents to make these decisions. Of that I am sure. But how to make those decisions, as you say, is another matter.
I really like the list of questions in your post because they’re thoughtful about the reality of whether what you are doing is really enriching their lives or if you’re just bowing to peer pressure of being an “involved parent.” And then to be slightly selfish about what it’s going to do to you. If driving them to and fro is going to make you insane, there’s no way you can be the tolerant parent I think most of us want to be.
Did I seriously not comment on this? I came back to see what you’d responded and could have sworn I did. Oh well. I think you know I struggle with this mightily myself. Have written ad nauseum about it, and still have no answers. Thanks so much for, as usual, elevating the discussion with your lucid and thoughtful writing. xoxo
Wow! It’s great to read your post and the terrific comments.
I have a friend that work FT, put her kids (6 1/2) in every activity they want and still manage to do playdates, special outings and everything in between.
When she shares all of the stuff they do, I often feel worried and guilty that I’m not doing more. I constantly remind myself that her kids have no downtime, they don’t have “family” time, and the kids seem no happier than mine. I know it works for her and I commend her for it, but in my heart, I rebel at the idea of doing the same.
My son swims in the summer but since I don’t see a future Michael Phelps & we don’t have a pool, I stop in the fall because we are busy with the holidays, school, and now soccer.
Incidentally, I didn’t start my son in AYSO or T-ball till he was 5 even though he is quite athletic. I felt like he wasn’t emotionally ready and didn’t feel he would be at any real disadvantage if he waited. I still don’t let him play any computer games and all he has is a Leapster. I know the technology WILL come, but in these formative years, I want to introduce what I consider the heathier life habits. When he starts wanting to play on the computer more than he wants to go outside to play, I’ll revisit. Until then, outside he goes.
Hi, Roxanne, it’s great to have you here. I appreciate hearing your perspective, especially the specific example about delaying your son’s start with sports. It seems like we’ve gotten to a place as a culture where we feel like we might miss something if we don’t start our kids in activities from birth so it’s very reassuring to know that I’m not the only one thinking about this.
I hope you’ll visit again!
Hi, new here but I wanted to chime in. I agree with those who point out the importance of personality differences – parent and child. My eldest (5 yrs) has been in 1-2 activities at a time since she was 2. She is very extroverted and. Am introverted– she totally wears me out, so we both have needed the extra stimulation for her. Also I agree with Kat’s approach and try to steer her to one art/music thing and one athletic thing at a time. Unfortunately I don’t see this changing with kinder as the schools don’t do much to create well-rounded people these days, in my opinion. My 2nd old son is more introverted, so I imagine his preschool years may be less structured as he is happy to just play at home. I should add I am a SAHM, so I still think they get plenty of tome to just hang out at home and “be”. Other than a couple mornings a week at preschool, we have loads of unstructured togetherness.
Hi Shari – Thanks so much for stopping by and for taking the time to leave a comment. You bring up a really good example of a kid who seems to need lots of stimulation and it sounds like it makes sense to meet that need for both of your sakes. I think it’s great that you recognize the difference between your kids and are following their leads when it comes to which activities to pursue. It also sounds like your 2yo is a lot like my 3yo. We should get them together – as long as it wouldn’t stress out their introverted natures. :)
I wasn’t able to look at all the comments here but would I be the only mom to admit that I’ve nothing scheduled for my daughter this summer? She’s home with us while I’m on maternity and spends her days playing with us with occasional visits to the park and playdates with friends. Other than that, we stopped the only music class we were attending after my delivery but hope to get her to a class when she starts preschool again at the end of August.
Our rule is that we need one weekend day to ourselves (grown ups) so it’s one class on Saturday or Sunday and that way we won’t be spending most of our time ferrying her back and forth different classes since we already do the drive to her preschool every day. I have a friend whose child is my daughter’s age and he is in swim and basketball lessons every Saturday morning. It makes me feel like a lazy parent but we also like waking up with our kids and having a lazy morning just brunching and not having to worry about being on time for a class, etc. since we do that every day of the work week.
Oh, I love and hate these conversations. Mostly love. Hate only because I get internally weird about it. For me, I have to ask myself *why* I want to sign them up for something, and why *now*. And to be honest – it often comes back to this illogical idea that floats around the fear of them getting left behind or left out or something like that. But those are *my* worries, not my kids’.
My kids are athletic. They love music. But I don’t have them on any teams or classes or lessons (they are almost 8, 5, and 2.5; all boys). I figure if they have the natural talent and interest, then even if they join in later on — even a few years after their peers have started — it will even out and they’ll be able to hang with the best of them. As for music – it’s not a race. So they learn piano at 12 instead of 6. Big deal.
We really enjoy our non-scheduled lives, the boys have tons of free play, and we play soccer, wiffle ball, kickball, dodgeball, etc with them in the yard. Or spontaneously they play these things with other kids at the park. I’d like to keep it that way as long as possible — so that it keeps feeling like *play* and not lessons, practice, etc. I do fret occasionally about how much other kids are doing. Thankfully (sort of), our financial constraints make it easier to say no to the activities (even the cheap ones). We also really like to keep our weekends free so we can take off as a family for a hike or a paddle or to go camping or swimming or whatever. I do not envy the friends who have to split up and one take one kid here to this game/lesson and the other parent take the other kid there.
Anyway, I guess my point is there is no shortage of activities and we just have to be confident that in homes like ours, our kids are at no risk of lack of enrichment. They have plenty of years for lessons and teams and organized, structured activities. For us, now is the time for free play, free time for spontaneous activities, and family time that centers around the family as opposed to one kid. Checking the impetus for my pull to sign them up for stuff was huge. Too often we project our own issues/wants/insecurities/dreams onto our kids. I’m trying really hard not to do that.
Great questions. You always get me thinking, Kristin.
And to clarify — when I say ‘homes like ours’ – I mean yours, mine, most educated/middle-class families.
Also – back to why this gets internally weird for me – I also find myself wanting everyone else to do it like I do so that no one’s kids are in all these lessons and on these teams…which brings it back to me not wanting my kids to be left out or left behind! It’s a maddening cycle of neuroses. ;)
Wow, I totally relate to what you’re saying here, right down to the wishing everybody else would do it my way so that I didn’t feel like I was somehow “hurting” my kids. Reading all of these comments helped on that front, actually, because it seems like most people aren’t actually ferrying their kids from dance to piano to soccer every day and that more and more of us are making the choice to prioritize free play.
One point you made that really hit me was the idea of placing the interest of the family before that of any individual kid. Especially with my kids so close together in age, we need to emphasize this point so that they learn how to entertain themselves and each other without us having to pay for it.
Thank, Elizabeth!
With a two-year-old and an infant, and a very easily overwhelmed mama, we currently have NO structured activities that we participate in.
That being said, we do do a lot. Each morning I aim to have an activity of some sort out of the house – a trip to the park, a visit with friends, a picnic, a museum, a walk to the farmers market, something. Anything. Most afternoons are spent quietly at home. Which is a nice balance.
Fridays are no-plan days. If we’ve had a super busy week, we stay home and get things done. If we’re feeling particularly energetic, we make a last-minute plan. Or we just hang out in our jambes.
It’s our rhythm. It works for now, though I’m sure it will change as the littles get not-so-little.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed and feel like we don’t have enough downtime, that’s when I realize that we are over doing it. I’m a much happier person we our days are more relaxed and less structured. And I haven’t noticed that my son feels like he’s missing out on anything. In fact he seems happier when we have a little more one on one time at home.
I have three kids, ages 12, 10 and 5.
My 12yo is an elite competitive figure skater. She skates 3-4 hours a day, waking at 5:00 AM to skate before school and then skating after school. She takes ballet and conditioning training. She also plays violin and is an honor student at school, taking courses in accelerated mathematics. In a word, she’s busy. And she keeps us busy as well. But skating is not this “thing” that takes away from our family life. With three kids, even not being involved in activities except just school and friends means that parents start getting less quality or quantity time with middle schoolers. My daughter and I have every morning from 5 AM – 8 M together. She’s made friends through her chosen activities, and I’ve made another wonderful circle of parent friends. It’s hard at times, but in anything worth doing, just because it’s hard or there are rough days and weeks doesn’t mean that the activity is too much all together. We schedule in breaks of days and weeks. Sundays are her day completely. I’ve seen her become more organized (out of necessity), learn valuable lessons of sticking through hard times instead of giving up, what “work” really means. She gets 9 hours of sleep a night – non-negotiable. Through this all, she has her “rink friends” who keep her sane when the people she sees in school all day drive her nuts. And with her female friends at the rink, the bonding, self-esteem, and mutual respect is based mostly through healthy activity and hard work. That’s a powerful experience for young women who more readily get info on who they are based upon some fairly shallow media messages.
When she was younger, we tried a lot of different activities. The rule has always been that if I sign you up for a class or a team, you finish the session or season. Then re-evaluate. I always let the kids make their choices about what or how much and have involved them in the decision when or if to cut back. My 12yo went through gymnastics, swimming, soccer (where she was very good), softball, dance, scouting, before arriving at skating. She picked this sport fairly young, but honestly, skating has a short competitive shelf life, so it was a lucky and timely match.
I will say that she’s stayed pretty aloof to all the middle school mean girl crap, mostly because she’s just not available to it. By about 4th grade, it’s pretty noticeable that most of the girls who don’t have some thing – or a few things – to occupy their time will make boys and “girl intrigues” their main focus.
My 10 year old had about four years of bouncing from activity to activity. Now she’s settled on theater and soccer, still deciding which – and if any – is her true passion. If such a thing can be decided at 10.
There are surely some sports that have a very early “expiration” date – girls’ competitive skating, gymnastics – sports which depend upon kids being smaller boned and pre-pubescent bodies. But other sports have a later maturation date because kids aren’t fully cooked until they become more muscular. And frankly, any coach who tells you that your 5yo needs intensive training in any field is a freak. Run away, don’t walk. Also, don’t believe anyone who says “Olympics”. Being an Olympic athlete is a lot of work, cash (like, mortgage the house cash for some sports), getting through the teenage years emotionally/psychologically intact through competitions, and after all that, all it takes is a blasted ACL and you better hope you’ve not let your grades slip below Bs just for a sport.
My 5yo is just noodling around right now. A little soccer here, a little swimming there, and quite a bit of skating.
Can kids get burnt out? Sure. But I don’t take too much stock in this “time just to be a kid”. Kids are kids no matter what they are doing. And any activity can be a family activity. It just takes desire and a little creativity.
I spend a lot of time at ice rinks. Two years ago, I started figure skating. I’m 45 years old. I can now land a jump. How cool is that?
btw, dinner together doesn’t have to be at a dinner table. We are pros at picnic meals. ;-)
When thinking about “too much”, and I tell people our family schedule, it can sound overwhelming. But it can also lead to so many beautiful surprises: http://www.halushki.com/2010/11/almost-wordless-wednesday-child-skates.html
My Boy does Karate (his choice), My Girl does jazz dancing (her choice), and they both do swimming. Our deal is that the swimming is non-negotiable (we live in NZ – you have to be able to swim well around here!!) but if at any point they decide they want to change the other, they can. We still have dinner together most nights of the week (Mondays and Fridays are a sometimes) , they’re definitely getting enough sleep, and it’s what they want to do (even the swimming!!) so I think we’re good with that. I honestly think it’s something that each family has to weigh up individually because no two families are the same!
I don’t live on an island or near water, but I’d agree that learning how to swim is a non-negotiable. I know that little kids can’t really be trusted to swim “for real” even after lessons, but a class now and again with a swim instructor makes water safety seem Very Important to little kids. Later, yes, I think all kids should take lessons and develop some basic proficiency in swimming and water safety. It’s such a big danger for kids; making lessons a non-negotiable lets kids know that you take it seriously.
Hi, Broot,
Thanks so much for stopping by Motherese and taking the time to leave a comment. I’m grateful for your perspective and I absolutely agree with you that this equation will be different for each family. I also agree with you on the importance of swimming lessons. My little guys took them this summer and, although they didn’t enjoy them much, I think they did benefit from some basic lessons on how to be safer in the water.
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