The other day a good friend showed up for a playdate dressed beautifully; her hair was done and she was even wearing a touch of make-up.
“Wow, K! You look great!” I told her when she sat down next to me.
“Who, me? Oh, no. No way. I just had a function to go to this morning and had to throw on something other than jeans.”
Seeing that she was uncomfortable, I changed the subject. And that was that.
Later that afternoon, she called me to thank me for the compliment and explained that she had, in fact, put in a little extra effort that morning. It turns out that she was being honored by the service club at her church for some volunteer work she had done over the holidays.
We then started to talk about compliments and why it’s so hard to accept them, even – maybe even especially - when they’re well-deserved. (K is an overthinker and a ruminator – wonder why we’re such good buddies?)
Sure, we agreed, humility is a good thing. No one likes a show-off or a braggart, someone who seems too proud. (Well, except for Proud Mary. I’ve always had a soft spot for her, especially the Tina Turner version.)
But shouldn’t we be able to accept a compliment like we accept a gift: with a smile, a heartfelt “thanks,” and maybe even a “how nice of you”?
A few days after my conversation with K, the boys and I were at another friend’s house. This friend has two sweet, smart, polite little girls and I admire the way that she and her husband raise them. They never seem frazzled and they balance their occasional reprimands with heavy doses of hugs and humor.
This friend and I were talking about Husband’s and my decision to have our kids so close together. And I was confessing to her my worries over how I’ll be able to handle three kids starting (gasp!) next month.
Her response? “It’s going to be hard, but I know you’ll be able to handle it. You’re one of the most patient people I know.”
Cue internal monologue: “Me!? Patient!? Ha! Clearly this woman doesn’t know me at all. She’s certainly never seen me at bathtime. Or mealtime. Or naptime. Or bedtime. Or anytime! Patient!? What a joke!”
But, for once, I didn’t blurt out the first thought to dance through my head. Instead, I thought about my conversation with K, smiled, and said, “Thank you. How nice of you to say so.”
And that was that.
Can you take a compliment?
Why is it so hard for us to believe our good reviews? Do you think compliments are harder to accept the more closely they come to an idealized picture of ourselves?
Image: applause-2 by Multiple fragments of tissue via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
You read my mind on this post, Kristen. I’ve been thinking so much about this, in particular the idea that I seem to dismiss or explain away any compliment I get. The other day my mom said that she liked my sweater, and to that I replied, “Oh, it’s a little wrinkled and I actually just found a moth hole in it,” which isn’t really a rejection of a compliment, but still shows that I have to put myself (or my clothes!) down, rather than just say “Thanks.” I think it would be quite scary if I actually started to count the number of times I do this every day. At least I’m not alone, though :)
Interesting and important piece. It is hard for me to take a compliment and I am not sure why. Maybe by just accepting it, we feel that we are in some sense endorsing it, that we believe what is being said, and are therefore bragging on some level? I really don’t know. I wrote about compliments when I first started blogging – http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/05/you-look-great-today/ – but from the other direction; How important it is to give compliments… Maybe it is hard to accept compliments because we worry that they are being given just to be given, because they are disingenuous and strategic on some level? Grasping here :)
How timely your post is. I’m just (ruminating!) about a telecourse I’d like to offer about letting pleasure penetrate. I think this is an example. It feels good to be complimented. Especially when the compliment comes close to what we long to be. But isn’t that also a delicious feeling? And is that delicious feeling so very bad?
I hear people all the time devouring chocolate and apologizing the entire time. What a waste.
Interesting perspective, Rebecca. So maybe this refusal to indulge in compliments is part and parcel of a larger cultural resistance to indulgence in general (or at least visible indulgence) – all mixed up with the Protestant work ethic and Puritan ethos that still anchor so much of our culture?
Oh good heavens, I fear the compliment. I get all squirmy and awkward inside like jr. high kid. I try to say, “Thanks!” but it feels inadequate to say something that simple.
Don’t you think people expect a little explanation, though? I can accept a compliment, but if someone says they like my shoes or my sweater, or something, I think I would sound sort of brusque to just say thanks. We women, we want to share good info. So I tell them, “Payless, Mandee. Or if it’s a really special day, Ann Taylor, Loft. It’s on sale! You should go!”
So true! I do the same thing – inject conversation into a gracious thank you, always with info on the sale. :)
I definitely see your point, but personally I have more trouble with compliments the more specific they are. Like my friend’s compliment to me about being patient with my kids. I was able to pick that remark apart immediately in my head. Whereas if she said she liked my shoes or sweater, I would be more likely to say “thanks” and not think much more about it.
Hi Kristen — Lovely topic. I think that the reason most of us cannot accept a compliment is because of our own fears, insecurities, self-doubts and lack of self-esteem and confidence. As humans we are a mass of contradictions. We long for recognition and appreciation yet we often become bashful when attention is drawn to us. Why is that I wonder?
I have learned to take compliments but to be honest I fake it and hide my true feelings. My smile is my greatest defense against the prejudiced world out there. I often wish that I could look at myself through the eyes of people who offer me all those sincere compliments so that I may believe in myself more. I will keep striving towards that.
Thank you for sharing.
“As humans we are a mass of contradictions. We long for recognition and appreciation yet we often become bashful when attention is drawn to us. Why is that I wonder?”
Yes, yes, yes! I couldn’t agree with you more. And if either of us had the answer to your question, I think we would make millions in book sales!
“Do you think compliments are harder to accept the more closely they come to an idealized picture of ourselves?”
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head right here! I have the hardest time accepting compliments at work, and I think it is because I want so much to be the best employee I can be. I am highly critical of myself at work– I am lucky enough to enjoy my job and I never want to make a mistake. I am trying to be more accepting of compliments, but it is hard to break years of habit!
Where I come from, it almost seems like a part of the Asian culture to practice extreme humility so they always deflect compliment or try to brush it off like they weren’t trying to be anything above the ordinary at all. I always found it slightly off-putting but I didn’t really have a good model on how one does accept compliments graciously until I came here.
When I saw how some people accept them with just a simple thank you and sometimes with a quick follow-up explanation as Jana says, I decided to give that a try myself. What a world of difference it makes because it eliminates any awkwardness between the compliment giver and the taker. It’s a win-win.
I’m the same way, “What, this old thing?” I think there’s some unspoken rule that you’re supposed to downplay your own achievements or abilities–maybe so you don’t look like you’re trying to one-up others, or you’re embarassed about your own particular interests. I kind of like blogs in that it gives people a forum to show off their achievements (and lament their downfalls) to a willing audience (although I do appreciate a good dose of humility in that showing-off).
Wonderful post. Women are indeed often uncomfortable with compliments. It took me years – years – to be able to accept one, graciously, and just say thank you.
I’ve been thinking of this gender imbalance too. In general, do you think women are more likely to give compliments and less likely to accept them – at least, to and from each other? (Could it be that men give and get fewer compliments in general?)
Nope, can’t take a compliment. Perhaps because I feel I am a work in progress in so many areas, or a complete and admitted failure in others, any compliment seems to be an acknowledgment of where I want to be, not where I am.
Mark Twain said,”I can live for two months on a good compliment”. Most people have a problem receiving a compliment. I like to give them when compliments are earned and I like to receive them graciously.
A great quote and one that’s new to me. Thanks for sharing it and your perspective, Ayala!
Taking compliments gracefully is something I have learned to do a bit better with age. I am my harshest critic so I am always expecting more of myself and seldom feel worthy of praise.
Now, I just say “thank you” though even if I don’t feel like I am deserving of the compliment.
This is a gross generalization but men are much better at it and in the business world if you don’t take compliments, a co-worker will and you actually end up looking worse. Sometimes it’s not better/worth it to try and change someone else’s perspective of yourself even if you feel it is overly rosy.
“This is a gross generalization but men are much better at it and in the business world if you don’t take compliments, a co-worker will and you actually end up looking worse. Sometimes it’s not better/worth it to try and change someone else’s perspective of yourself even if you feel it is overly rosy.”
Really interesting point, Alecia. I’ve been out of the working world for almost four years, but I can certainly remember dealing with situations in which your observation proved 100% true.
It’s taken practice, but I do my best to take compliments comfortably. It seems easiest when the compliment comes from a perfect or near-stranger, because it’s such a pleasant surprise that there’s no turning into anything but. I almost always tell them they’ve made my day, and it’s true.
At Christmas, my grandmother in law said I must have lost weight. My thoughts were: ha! You must be kidding! My pants are tight. I’ve been eating so badly. …
But, I stopped those thoughts and said thank you. What purpose does it serve to say, no, I’m feeling fatter then ever?
So. What do you think about the thank you hiding our true thoughts?
I guess it depends on what our true thoughts are. For me, the thoughts that often bubble up most quickly are the critical ones – so, in that case, sometimes a “thank you” does mask the “You must be kidding!” part of the thought.
But often, when I think about myself or someone else beyond the superficial level, I find that I’m more able to see nuances – and, in that case, the “thank you” can be acknowledging the truth of the nuance that I haven’t yet been able to suss out. (Does that make any sense at all?) :)
I’m guilty of deflecting sincere compliments too. And I’m really working on accepting them gracefully, because not to is a bit of an insult to the complimentor isn’t it?
I hadn’t really looked at it like that before, but I’m so glad that you and Gale brought up that point. I agree: being gracious is about the giver as much as it is about me.
I think I normally do take a compliment graciously. If I took time to dress up and do my hair/make-up and someone notices it, I really do appreciate it. I, like Jana brought up, do usually tag on something about a sale or some other follow-up tidbit of information, but I think that’s just to avoid being awkward and end the conversation with a plain “thanks”.
I do have a hard time accepting a compliment when it’s unexpected and I don’t believe it myself. Like if I *don’t* do my hair and make-up and someone says how great I look. Then I just feel like they’re lying and trying to be nice. I would answer that with a “thanks, but…” and explain how I just rolled out of bed! :-)
Anyway, for the most part I CAN take (and enjoy getting) a compliment. And I try to GIVE compliments when they are deserved as well! Great topic!
I try my best to accept a compliment because I get a little annoyed when my own friends and family deflect a compliment. I believe we are so focused on the negative aspects of ourselves that a compliment is hard to digest. Compliments always put an extra bounce in my step.
I think it’s important to remember that compliments aren’t always about the recipient. Much like gifts, they are also about the giver. Sometimes someone just wants to say something nice. When we reject the compliment we deny the other person the chance to do that nice thing. We essentially say, “I don’t want this nice thing you’re giving me,” which can be disappointing or even hurtful.
That said, it can be difficult to accept a compliment graciously. I think your response to your friend who complimented your patience was spot on.
I really appreciate your perspective here, Gale. It proves yet again that you are a highly evolved emotional creature! :)
I really like what Gale said above! How true – I never really thought about it like that.
I’m okay with compliments that I feel that I deserve. If I took a little extra time to look nice and someone noticed, that makes me feel good and I’ll happily accept. However, I feel extremely uncomfortable if it’s something that I don’t feel that I deserve. For example, I happen to look young for my age. I’m almost 40 and have no wrinkles or bags and maybe 3 gray hairs. People compliment me on how young I look all the time and it really bothers me. A lot of times people go on and on, but I really think it’s because it’s something I have no control over – it’s just good genes. Whatever, it means nothing. And, actually, I think it’s problematic in my workplace. People assume that I’m some young girl in her first job and discount my input until they learn my true age. Weird huh?
Your comment really made me stop and think about the difference between general compliments and compliments specifically about a person’s appearance. And the latter certainly do show our cultural obsession with beauty and youth – and, even if they make us feel good and even if their intent is totally benign, they do contribute to an overall focus on looks, right?
So what’s the answer?, I wonder. Only give and accept compliments on substantive things? And how to balance that with what Amy and Gale said about not insulting the feelings of the compliment-giver? Tricky stuff!
Such a great post, Kristen. I never used to accept compliments. Never. (I now know that this was due to my extremely low self-confidence–I thought the person delivering the compliment must be insane or vying for something from me. So sad.)
Anyway, I’ve worked hard over the years to accept myself AND compliments. It feels GOOD. Often times, I still have to force myself to say “thank you” in response to “your curly hair is pretty” , when I want to say, “this pile of frizzy annoyingness????”…but I say thank you and smile.
ps: So exciting that that little one arrives next month!!
“I’ve worked hard over the years to accept myself AND compliments.”
I think you hit the nail on the head with this one, Denise. Compliments are so tied up with self-esteem that it really does take an acceptance of ourselves to embrace the acceptance that’s doled out by others.
Yes, why is it so hard for women in general to gracefully accept a compliment? Is it the way we’ve been raised? Society does detest an overly proud woman, or at least someone who appears that way.
I’ve been trying to train myself to just smile and say, “thank you.” It’s a tough lesson to learn.
I don’t know how else to say this, but I do accept a comment if I find I deserve it. Let me illustrate with two different examples. When I am on top of things, parenting wise, I do a good job of keeping entertainment limited to me, toys, and books. I also keep my voice down and my patience reigned in. Thus, when my husband says “you do such a great job with the kids,” I agree and tell him thank you. But, when I am barely keeping things together–using the TV as a means to entertain the kids so I can, I don’t know, clean or something–and my husband compliments me, that’s when I refuse and tell him all the things I’ve done wrong.
In my head, these two responses make sense; however, I also know that I should probably be more gracious in accepting compliments even when I don’t think I deserve them.
I think that a compliment from a partner falls into a unique category. I have been in your shoes in both of the examples you give and have reacted exactly how you’ve reacted. I certainly don’t want to say that we should disregard the feelings of our partners, but I do think that that relationship is unique and we can (should?) probably feel more open to being totally honest.
Maybe there’s a middle ground? Something like, “Thanks. I’m lucky to have such a sweet husband. But, to be honest, I’m not feeling very great with the kids today. And here’s why…”
I’ll let you know if words like those ever come out of my mouth when I’ve having a rough day. (You know, maybe it will happen once before the kids all leave home!) ;)
I used to never be able to take a compliment. Sometimes I still have trouble. But after a good friend told me that I needed to recognize that, yes, sometimes people really mean what they say, and intsead of arguing the point, a simple, “Thank you” would suffice…and one day, I might even believe it. So, since then? I’ve tried to take compliments without shrugging them off. I never realized that refusing a compliment can make the person giving the compliment just as uncomfortable. LoL
I love compliments (and feel a little sheepish admitting that).
I’m totally praise motivated. If someone tells me they love my writing, I scurry back to my keyboard like a lab rat whose just been fed cocaine, and get back to work.
When my kids are drawing and I remark on something about my son’s drawing that I like, my daughter automatically says “and mine too?” It makes me wonder if this is how I started and if there’s something I can do to guide her through her own praise-seeking.
In some cultures if you give a compliment (as on an article of clothing) it just might get you the praised item as a gift (probably a horror to a regular Yank). Yet I wonder if the notion of accepting compliments is akin to accepting gifts in general in that it may trigger both our fear of inadequacy to reciprocate or, as Aiden notes above, fear of some sort of agenda. Thus we may find ourselves trying to negotiate the slippery realm between belonging and not-belonging… fearing others’ envy if we rise above in some small way, and fearing exclusion if we don’t pass muster and fit in (i.e. look acceptable, behave well).
Maybe I’m just thinking too much about fears these days, but I think we need to trust ourselves—and then we can give and receive freely.
Either way, Kristen, I really love your writing and your spirit, and that’s a compliment you simply must accept :)
Okay, deal. :)
Thank you, my friend. How nice of you to say so.
I have a particularly hard time with this Kristen. I am never skimpy on deserving compliments. However, when the tables are turned, I just don’t know what to say other than diminish whatever the compliment was. Slowly, I have been trying to be gracious in accepting them, thanking the person, and echoing those words into my head and heart. Sounds a lot easier than it is to accomplish, I can assure you.
I have been trying to accept a compliment graciously without adding self-deprecating humors. I do relapse so your post came just in time.
Why, thank you! :-)
Oh my gosh, I am horrible. Is it just a girl thing, I wonder?
Recently, though, I grew in this area. I bought a bunch of makeup and I was polling people on Facebook if I spent too much. And my brother-in-law goes “you’ll probably give me crap, but I will just say if it made you feel good, great. If it’s because you think you need it, you don’t. You’re beautiful without it.”
And I of course wanted to find some sort of icon that would correlate to “guffaws loudly” but instead I replied “I resolve to take compliments better. I shall give you no crap, instead say a thank you very much. And send you the credit card bill.”
What a great response! (And what a great brother-in-law!) :)
The rule says:
Nod, and say “thank you.”
Period.
I love this, it is so hard, I think for women especially to take a compliment because we don’t want to seem better than our friends…we want everyone to think we’re equals? (If that makes sense I am so tired!). My husband is always pointing it out to me and I am trying to learn how to take them with a nod and smile and bitting my tongue rather than rolling my eyes and laughing it off.
That’s a really interesting point, Melissa. And I think you’re onto something: for those of us who value community and being part of a group, perhaps there’s some resistance to admit to something that makes us feel separate from that group (even if it’s for a good reason). I definitely need to think more about that.
Taking compliments is hard. I’ll never forget a working lunch where the conversation turned to my oldest son and how he had been singled out by his teachers two years in a row for being a courageous young man. He’s the type of kid who isn’t afraid to stand up for what he believes in and doesn’t worry too much about the crowd’s opinion. I commented that I didn’t know where he’d gotten it. I was sitting at the head of the table and every single head turned my way and gave me a “You’ve got to be kidding” kind of look.
My co-workers went on to insist that I’m someone who models courage, and that it’s no wonder that my child has internalized that trait. It was still hard to accept the compliment, but I still hold that moment in my heart as a true treasure.
I guess for me, it depends on the compliment. If I believe what the person says, I am much more likely to say thank you, and move on. If I don’t believe it, or it is an area of insecurity for me, then I may think they are just being nice, or flattering for some other purpose, or…then it is harder to just accept it.
I will be thinking about you in this final month of your pregnancy. I hope all goes beautifully and smoothly. Enjoy your “pause.” Take care.
{ 2 trackbacks }