I hate surprises. I always have.
And it will come as no surprise to most of you that I am a planner and a control freak through and through.
To wit: a few weeks before Husband and I got married, friends of ours threw me a surprise bridal shower. The ruse to get me there? Husband told me that one of our friend’s husbands was going to give us squash lessons. So what was I wearing on that cold, snowy Massachusetts December morning?
Just what every girl wants to be immortalized wearing in the photos from her bridal shower: fleece sweatpants and a long-sleeve t-shirt. Hot stuff, I tell you.
I was so surprised – and not in a good way – that I didn’t enjoy myself as much as I should have.
Don’t get me wrong: I played the part of the delighted, blushing, if oddly dressed, bride-to-be. I was gracious and polite and showered thanks upon my hostesses and guests. And I was truly grateful to them for their effort. I had fun. But I couldn’t release the reins of control long enough to enjoy myself fully.
So, no, not a fan of surprises.
The funny thing, though, is that I’ve welcomed a surprise at the two most important moments of my life: the births of my sons.
Husband and I did not find out in advance what gender our babies would be. The words “It’s a boy!” – both times – came as a magical and glorious answer to a long pondered question.
I’m thinking about these wonderful moments today because, on Friday, Husband and I will head to the hospital for an anatomy scan. There we will – God willing – see images of our healthy baby, growing and swimming and hiccuping in my womb. We’ll look for strong limbs and a burgeoning brain. But we won’t look between the baby’s legs. Not yet, at least.
I’m almost certain this will be my last pregnancy. (I’m taking the still lingering nausea and my already aching back as signs from Mother Nature that my child-bearing days are coming to an end.) And when I first found out that I was pregnant, I felt a strong urge to know if this would be our third male musketeer or our first little girl.
But as the weeks have gone on – and Husband has stuck by his instinct to let the baby’s gender be a surprise – I’ve felt less sure that I want to know until I meet our baby. Until I meet him. Or her.
So why does the girl who hates surprises look forward to this surprise? How does the inveterate planner check her impulse to get an appropriately pink or blue layette ready?
I suppose it’s because, with this surprise, there is no bad outcome.
A boy. Or a girl. Either would be the perfect answer to the question.
If you are a parent, did you find out the gender of your child before his/her birth? What influenced your decision?
If you aren’t, do you think you would want to find out your child’s gender in advance?
(My friend Aidan is pregnant too and just found out that she is expecting her third girl. Congratulations, Aidan! Please check out her beautiful post about her own ultrasound experience this week.)
Image: Baby booties by pimpampum via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
How exciting! I hope that your baby is growing, healthy and active.
I did find out the sex of my son. I just couldn’t wait. And I’m a planer too, I wanted to have everything ready for him when he got here. Blue everything. I think for our next, we will find out too.
1) Nope, not at all surprised that you don’t like surprises. (I’m the same way!)
2) YES, incredibly surprised that you have chosen thus far not to learn the sex of the baby! :-)
But you’re right–either outcome is a wonderful one, so perhaps this is the perfect situation in which to “permit” your planner self to to be surprised!
I’m a planner too, but I must say there is something to be said for anticipation. And esp to find out the news after labor, it must be a great finale! I found out the sex of my daughter, just ’cause. I figure its a surprise whether you find out at month 5 or month 9. I think it helped me bond more with her while she was still cookin’. And also, knowing helped me not feel rushed about finally delivering (although back aches and heart burn took care of that for me!). Looking back, enjoying my pregnancy and last months as a couple were really important.
I think that’s a great point, Rebecca. The news is a surprise whenever you find it out, so I guess it’s just a matter of when you get your surprise.
I’m with you. Not big on surprises.
With both boys I found out early, but that is because I had bleeding in both pregnancies and I needed something to cling to… their names. Anthony & Dominic were named very early on. I’ve been talking with them for a long time now.
We are done having children, but if by some miracle (my husband got snipped) we were to get pregnant again I think I would choose the same option. No surprises, because I have another name up my sleeve (just in case ya know).
Wow, we are in the same place in life. I have two boys. Pregnant, due January 21st, with our third. And this too is one surprise that I absolutely think is like no other. Like you, I think there is no bad outcome. I feel like when baby is handed to me I will just be overjoyed….there won’t be any disappointment – yes, if it is another boy I might have small moments from time to time. But the joy and the excitement of finding out during all the craziness of labor is what gets me through. And I think it builds so much more anticipation and excitement with friends and family.
We are pregnancy buddies, indeed!
It’s funny: one of the reasons I think I was more tempted to find out this time around is that, of course, part of me would like the chance to have a daughter and I didn’t want any negative emotion to cloud that joyous delivery room experience. But somehow just saying that out loud to people has helped me realize that: a. it’s okay to want to have the chance to have a girl and b. I will be thrilled to have a third boy. And just seeing that you’re thinking the same thing makes me feel so validated. So thank you for that!
With my first son, I kept it a surprise, but with the twins, I figured I’d already had enough surprises (plus the effort of coming up with all the different permutations of name combinations was too much; and with weekly ultrasounds keeping it secret would have been nearly impossible). There are so few true mysteries in life, I prefer (in general) to keep the prenatal ones mysterious (e.g. I hate those full-color images of developing fetuses…truly I don’t want to know what’s going on in there).
I really really respect this. I LOVE it when people wait for the birth to know, maybe because I’m just too impatient and impulsive to do it. :)
So yeah, we found out both times. I guess I’m fine with it and I don’t know what we’d do if we had another…but I’m pretty sure I’m still impatient and impulsive, so… :)
I’m so happy for you. Loved this post.
For my first, we kept it a surprise, but then we found out for our second. Two girls! I loved being pregnant and knowing I was carrying a girl. I loved calling her “she” and I felt more connected to the little person inside than if I didn’t know.
Aside from that though, I liked being able to get out all of the hand-me-down pink clothes and have them ready and waiting in her dresser for her arrival.
And for the record, I HATE surprises too. I insisted my husband tell me the details of the surprise shower that I knew was coming. He did the right thing in telling me too, because I was freaking out about the idea of a surprise. I never let on that I knew to my hostess either.
Best of luck, whatever you decide to do!
As an older mom, I had amnios with my last 3 pregnancies. The lady calling me my results always asked…do you want to know?
I didn’t know on the first one. The US showed no obvious male anatomy, so we assumed girl…and were surprised. Not a bad surprise, but I did have to repaint the nursery.
But once I had hot little chromosomes in my hand, I just couldn’t resist. We knew they were boys. And that was okay, too–gave us time to fight over a name.
On the last one, the nurse who called me the results tried to talk me out of knowing–which meant by definition it was another–fourth–boy. But I was actually grateful I knew in advance. It gave me a week to work through my realization that I would never have a girl, and then I was fine by the time my little one was born.
“It gave me a week to work through my realization that I would never have a girl, and then I was fine by the time my little one was born.”
I can definitely relate to this idea. I think there’s something really tempting about dealing with any emotional response to the baby’s gender before his/her birth. That’s probably the only thing that keeps me from dismissing the idea of finding out with this third pregnancy.
You know, we are awfully alike on this dimension. I do not like surprises either, not at all. Yet I didn’t find out the gender of either of my children. The first time, I wanted to, but Matt really didn’t, so (in an unusual maneuver) I agreed to his plan. And we didn’t know, though oddly, I just KNEW. The second time around I was so glad to have not known that we didn’t again. I think it kept me going in the last few weeks of pregnancy, and I just loved that moment when the baby is born!
I loved sending the emails to friend and family with the subject like “it’s a…”
I love that it’s so uncharacteristic of me, and wonder maybe if I should apply this lesson to other places I’m a totally rigid stick-in-the-mud … anyway, thoughts for another time, those.
Congratulations, again, and I can’t wait to hear the big news whenever you decide to find it out!
xxo
I’m surprised (ha, ha) to know this about you, Lindsey. But I’m glad that you can understand where I’m coming from, in this space where the idea of inviting in a surprise is somehow appealing.
I think as you say this is one of those very nice surprises. Having said that I too could not wait until my baby was born so found out we were having a girl at 16 weeks. That WAS a surprise as I, my husband and both extended families were all somehow convinced we were having a boy. For me knowing it was a girl made it very special, imagining her growing, painting her room all pink and buying everything under the sun in pink. But if I were ever by some miracle to have another baby I think I might wait second time around and let it be a surprise.
We did both, with our first we wanted the surprise, and a surprise it was beause I was so convinced I was having a girl. The second time, with having a winter baby and a possible second C-section I felt I needed to be prepared. If it was going to be a girl I wanted a nursery ready for a girl and cute little girl outfits for her to wear right away. So we found out. And I’m glad I did that too. Each time was a surprise on it’s own, just a different kind of surprise, and both truly equally fun and moving.
I love that you are waiting to find out. I did find out both times because my husband felt he really needed to know. I had a natural connection – a physical one – to the babies, but my husband needed to know what kind of baby we were having, so he could start wrapping his head around an actual person and not an abstract being. I voted to wait, but in the end respected his need to know. I understood where he was coming from.
I’m really excited for you, Kristen. Little Miss was a surprise because you’re right, there is no bad outcome, and My Guy went with it although he is more the kind who wants to know. So we made a deal. The first is mine. The second will be his. We will find out for his sake, even though I would be perfectly happy to wait for the doctor’s announcement post-birth: “It’s a…!” I just love that.
Here’s the odd thing: I think it is amazing to wait to find out. I have tremendous respect for you (and all others) for waiting to learn your exquisite baby fate. But I simply have zero patience when it comes to this. We found out all three times as early as possible. For some reason, still cryptic to me, I longed to know what was inside. Only then did everything become real. Knowing the gender, I could begin to imagine the creature to come. I know this is silly, but that’s me.
And so. Yes, as of Monday, I know. Another little girl. And I am beyond thrilled. So is Husband. So are the big sisters-to-be. But? I am a little sad at the very reality of knowing, of the surprise being gone. Oh well. Cannot have it both ways. And this way? It’s a good one!
Best wishes for Friday,
Your pregnant partner-in-crime :)
Baby number one: surprise! And my husband introduced me to …our daughter! As he held her in his arms. But with baby number two I could feel that I was a little nervous. I wouldn’t let myself speak outloud why. An astute friend named it: you want another girl. I started to cry when she said this. It was true and I felt horribly guilty.
Why wouldn’t I be happy with a little boy? This wise friend told me “Because you seem to care. You better find out, because the birth room is a place for joy. Allow yourself to work through this before you get there.”
Wisdom! I found out and told the medical tech, “Only tell me if you’re certain.” In the next breath she said, “It’s a boy.” I cried. I didn’t know why. But I found out. The reason was I was insecure about being a mommy and I knew I’d figured out at least something with my daughter. So I felt comfortable doing that girl thing again.
I had time to process those feelings before my son’s birth, and, guess what? Turns out I knew how to be a mother to a son as well.
Glad for both experiences.
Congratulations to you, and I’m so glad you’re enjoying this journey as your sweet one grows bigger every day. Please let us know when you begin to get kicked. I just love, love, love that feeling.
“You better find out, because the birth room is a place for joy.” I hear this, loud and clear. I just responded above to Sarah and The Mother that I find that logic very compelling. Work through those emotions before your first chance to hold the new baby. I’m still thinking this one over.
And no kicks yet, I don’t think. I have thought I’ve felt a few, but I’m pretty convinced it’s just heartburn. :)
We did not want to know, but the tech revealed his sexism by shouting out “congratulations” when he scanned down under (or maybe I revealed my sexism in imagining that a male tech would not shout this out at the absence of overt equipment). When he saw our befuddled faces, not at the sex, but at the revelation we did not wish he tried to back-pedal, saying, “Did you want to know the sex?” But the boy was out and yet still in the proverbial bag.
Wishing you all the best and surprises only when you want them.
I swore up and down and left and right that I was not going to find out the gender of my child. I don’t like surprises, either. But I had always been convinced that finding out at delivery was meant to be part of the miracle of childbirth. I told my husband before we even started trying how I felt. He said he would want to know. I told him he couldn’t.
Fast forward to my pregnancy w/my daughter. We had a special test done b/c of my age, where they looked @ the baby’s chromosomes. When I was only 10 weeks along, they gave us the results. All was normal, which meant no Down’s (a major concern for us). Then they asked if I wanted to know the gender. And to my great surprise, I blurted out, “YES!” My husband was shocked, but excited he got to know.
I really liked knowing. We named her then and there, and she had an identity the remainder of the pregnancy. She wasn’t just, “the baby.” I did not use the knowledge for planning purposes. I am strongly against the whole boy/blue, girl/pink thing. Everything I did was neutral. But since everyone else knew, we were bombarded w/pink s–t! LOL
Your story reminded me of my friend who, upon learning that she was expecting a girl, swore that her daughter-to-be would never wear pink. Then, like you, she was inundated with pink clothes and gifts. The best laid plans… :)
I hate surprises, too, and with pregnancy, I was no different. I had to know. Oddly, both times I *felt* like I was having a girl…even though the pregnancies were completely different and everyone told me Miss M. was going to be a boy.
I so admire you for your choice! I think people who wait are the coolest people in the universe!
“I think people who wait are the coolest people in the universe!”
That’s definitely true in my case. :)
Pregnancy is a time so full of anticipation and excitement. Congratulations!
The first two times I was pregnant, I couldn’t handle the anticipation. We had the technician seal the sex in an envelope and we waited a couple of weeks before the temptation was too much to bear, but at least we found out at home.
The third time, my baby was sick, so we had to have weekly sonograms with a perinatalogist. Who could resist such temptation??
The fourth time, the doctor couldn’t tell, so we were pretty surprised. I felt that the baby was a girl, and I was right, but we hadn’t known for sure.
Knowing or not, it’s just so very exciting!
I actually love surprises, but in both instances, I wanted to know the sex of the baby. Both times, I was certain I was carrying boys. And both times, boys they were!
Perhaps because I felt that I would be a mother to sons more easily than to daughters (given a challenging relationship with my own mother), I wanted the certainty of boys (if possible), and the time to adjust to the idea of a daughter (if that was the case).
As for you – I wish you a healthy outcome – and the pleasure of the surprise!
My daughter’s gender was a surprise, but only because I didn’t want my and society’s expectations and definitions of “gender” coloring the way we prepared for her arrival. The storm of pink came after she was born and everyone found out she was a girl. :)
With the boys, we found out because my husband, engineer and planner extraordinaire, admitted it had nearly pushed him over the edge not knowing our first child’s gender. He did it for me, and I got my surprise. Then we got to see two penises in living color on subsequent ultrasounds and still joke about how if Lollipop had been a boy there would have been no way to keep it under wraps!
Happy Surprise, Kristen!! Hope you are enjoying the energy-filled second trimester!
I have a minor uterine condition that requires biweekly ultrasounds from about 20 weeks on and, somehow, we’ve never managed to pick up on the fact that we were having boys. Granted, my OB is very good about telling us to look away at certain moments, but, given my performance in high school biology, I’m not so sure I would be able to figure things out even if left to study the ultrasound film for hours on end! :)
I hate surprises, with a passion… (surprise! I crack myself up… ha!)
But we didn’t find out with Fynn, and I loved it. I caved and found out with Paige because I could. not. stand for nine months of my mother in law and sister in law telling me it had to be a girl (MIL) or it had to be a boy (SIL, because she has one son, and that will be all, and didnt’ want us to steal her sons thunder as the first born grandson by having a girl… oy…)
And honestly? I wish we had waited to find out with Paige. It was wonderful and exciting knowing, but I really did miss that moment when she was delivered. Not that it was anti climatic, as we had a new baby!! But it just… I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.
So I get it, fully. And can’t wait to hear the news of a safe, happy, healthy baby when the time comes! :)
I LOVE the chance to tell this story: 2 wks before my grandmother passed on [she was the one who raised us} she had told me that I’d have all boys. This was when I was 28, and 7 years before I’d meet my husband.
You know what, right?
I have 3 boys.
Goosebumps, to this day, with that story.
What a great story! I’m so glad you shared it.
I imagine I’ll need adjustment time, whether my future children are girls or boys. I grew up with only sisters (and all the joy and grief that comes with that) while my husband had only brothers. He swears I’ll know what to do should we have sons, but the idea makes me nervous, of course. Experience always helps me more than anything else.
Whatever the sex as revealed through testing, I’ll definitely need to work through whatever comes up in my heart and mind so I’ll be more relaxed when I meet my children for the first time. Hopefully my husband will feel the same way …
I loved not knowing. I was there each time and can’t adequately describe how amazing it was to watch these children emerge. They both came headfirst so for a few moments or hours (time stood still) I had little to go on.
And then suddenly it was obvious what their genders were. So funny, so amazing, so indescribable. A son with hair like his mother and a daughter with black hair like mine.
Anyway, I think that this one of the very good surprises so I am a big proponent of waiting.
Reading through the comments on this post, I am struck by the happiness that seems to surround everyone’s decision, whatever that was or will be. Isn’t it nice to hit upon an issue in parenting where it seems that we can agree that any choice is the right choice? I wish it were that way more of the time.
You’re so smart! Just look at this whole discussion you’ve generated. Now, I’m betting you’ve worked through any lingering wonderments about the girl that might/might not be…the boy who would join the team… And you did it in such a playful way. You can tell me I’m wrong, that there is still more to linger with, but I’ll admire how you let yourself wash through these things, and bring us all along for the ride. You say you’re controlling, and maybe that is true, but there is so much play in you as well. Are you surprised to see that?
Whatever sense of play I do have, I credit to my boys. When left to my own devices, I tend to plan myself into oblivion!
Kristen,
I think it’s great you can wait. I am too much of a control freak to wait for anything…
But I think you said it best when you said, girl or boy – either would be a perfect answer to this question.
Cheers to you Momma! and continued goodness through your pregnancy!
I wanted to know with my first, but the technician was never able to let us know. I swore it was a girl, but had everything in neutral colors, to be safe. Imagine my joy when the doctor announced, “You have a son.” The most beautiful words ever spoken.
With the following pregnacies, I wanted to know, to make things easier on the boys. I felt it would help them feel a closer bond to the baby, as well as call him by his own name.
Either way, it is such a joyous occasion, that regardless of boy or girl, your heart is full…
Wishing you a beautiful healthy ultrasound Kristen!
Hi Maria – You bring up another consideration that makes me not totally able to dismiss the idea of finding out the gender of our baby. When Tiny Baby was born, Big Boy was only 20 months old so the concepts of “brother” and “sister” weren’t really formed for him yet. But now he’ll be almost 3 1/2 when this next baby is born and I do wonder if we should help make the transition smoother for him by telling him what kind of new baby he’ll have – a brother or a sister.
First of all, I have been hoping secretly for a surprise birthday party forever. But how do you let people know you want a surprise party?!
We wanted to know right away. The way we saw it: there’re going to be a lot of surprises from having kids. ;-) It also helped ME personally to bond with the baby better before “it” was born. I needed to know the gender to you know envision an actual child. (Does this even make sense?) We do know a couple that went through this 50/50: the husband wanted to know, the wife did not. So the husband had to “act” accordingly when they were discussing the name for the child. Imagine that! He had to feign the same enthusiasm when they were discussing names for boys and girls!
I’ve heard of couples doing this and it always amazes me. I would never be able to keep such a big piece of information secret from my husband. I’m also a terrible liar so he’d see through me right away!
You are making me long to be in the same situation…to find out, to not find out. The waiting, preparing, worrying, watching, wondering.
I can’t even possibly imagine what it would be like for you to have an itty bitty girl this time around. Well, cause, you know…three crazy boys is my whole entire world.
But happy, healthy baby is ALL that matters in the end, and yes, it’s lovely that we can all agree on THAT!
xo
I hate surprises too! My control issues are probably why my anxiety runs high and I have Xanax. But I have to say you are so right about this being one surprise that has no wrong answer. I found out with one of the three. I am not sure why we found out with our middle one but we did and although it wasn’t any less exciting to meet her I would definitely recomend the waiting until they get here to find out! ;-)
I love surprises. Love them. Something about the unknown and reacting without a moment’s notice. I didn’t find out with either of mine. But NOT for the same reason of, “there is no bad outcome”. I’m embarrassed to admit that I feared disappointment. I was afraid if I heard it was a boy the first time around I’d be sad. And I’d feel so awful for feeling sad. I knew if I found out when I gave birth that I’d be totally in love with whatever it was as they placed it in my arms. But finding out early? I was afraid. It was harder with #2 to not find out. But since we were so fortunate to have a healthy baby the first time and we didn’t find out with her, I was superstitious to find out the next time around. Plus, I never thought I’d actually get pregnant so it was a miracle no matter what. AND, again, I was nervous I’d be disappointed with what I was told. I knew how to do “girl” and thought I’d worry for the remaining pregnant weeks that I wouldn’t be able to handle a boy. I know it’s ridiculous but if we’re all being honest here… (we ARE all being honest right? :) )
I’m just thrilled for you… that you have this anticipation and this excitement in your days. It was pretty much the only part of being pregnant that I loved. That wait for the surprise at the end. xo
Yay for secrets like this! I could never keep a secret like this from myself, however. So we found out both times that we were having girls before they were born. And both times my husband turned to the technician and said, “Are you sure?”
“The beauty of facing life unprepared is tremendous. Then life has a newness, a youth; then life has a flow and freshness. Then life has so many surprises. And when life has so many surprises boredom never settles in you.”
I was surprised when I fell in love, I was surprised to get married, I was surprised each time I had a pregnancy test, and I was surprised each time to find out I was having a girl(during ultrsound)all three times, and I am constantly surprised at whom they are becoming. Life is unpredictable and there is such profound beauty when our emotions come from the heart and not from the chattering of our mind.
I LOVE surprises, and I feel like I so rarely get to enjoy really big ones. Learning that I’d have a boy was no exception. We went in for a regular ultrasound and instead got a super-duper “4-D” ultrasound. I was excited about the boy, but a little traumatized at knowing that he was one. By the time I gave birth to him, though, I certainly didn’t feel that I was missing out on anything.
Reading Joely’s lovely sentiments, above, made me think about the daily surprises I do get to experience, particularly as a parent.
I really wanted a girl. Each time. Each time it was a boy. And they are very sweet and I am so happy. But I cried the third time, really hard. For a while I even talked about adopting a girl at some point. But it is amazing how life changes you. Now with everything that I have gone through I never even notice the cute pink clothes or have any wishes for a girl. I am so happy with my boys. My wishing now has a different priority I guess.
I found out with baby one, a surprise with two (although I just knew it was a boy) and baby three I learned in advance (only because I had to get a 3D ultrasound and I was too tempted). Three boys for me.
I think you hit the mark with why this surprise is okay for you – good either way.
Terrific conversation here. I noticed that several people who had a gender preference opted to find out ahead to time to come to do any “coming to terms” that might be required ahead of time. I had the opposite approach. I didn’t find out *because* I had a very small preference for a girl. I didn’t ever want to feel any kind of disappointment about my child and figured that at the birth I was going to be so happy to have my baby I wouldn’t care about the gender. (I worried that if I found out at the US and it was a boy I might allow myself to be disappointed for a bit.) So we didn’t find out. And I had a boy. And I’ve been madly in love with him since the day he was born.
I hate surprises, and so I wanted to know as soon as possible. If we were doing it again, I wouldn’t bother. I didn’t believe what they told me anyway.
I admire you all for keeping that surprise in place.
I could have done it either way, but the Mrs always likes to know–and so she did.
{ 3 trackbacks }