Growing up, we had an expression in our family that I think originated with my grandmother: “Bad, but honest.”
This expression was usually deployed when a child either readily admitted to a wrongdoing (“Kristen, did you knock over your brother’s Lego tower?”…”Yup!”) or provided an opinion that lacked social grace (a hopeful, smiling “Kristen, do you like Aunt Linda’s zucchini bread?” met with a defiant “Nope”), causing the adult to say of impish me, “She’s bad, but honest!”
I thought of this expression often last week while reading Tove Jansson’s The True Deceiver. This slim novel, set in the Scandinavian winter, tells the story of village outcast Katri Kling, her brother Mats, and Anna Aemelin, the children’s book illustrator to whom Katri ingratiates herself. What’s remarkable about the book is the way in which Katri insinuates herself into Anna’s life. Lacking financial resources, she makes it her mission to be invited to live with Anna. But, instead of conning the gullible old woman, she overwhelms her with honesty. She tells her about the shopkeepers who have cheated her and the townspeople who gossip about her. She persuades her to reevaluate her worshipful attitude toward her deceased parents.
At one point after Katri and Mats have moved in with Anna, the older woman remarks
Now don’t take this the wrong way, Miss Kling, but I find your way of never saying what a person expects you to say, I find it somehow appealing. In you there’s no, if you’ll pardon my saying so, no trace of what people call politeness…And politeness can sometimes be almost a kind of deceit, can it not?
Despite her concern that Katri might take her words as an insult, to Katri’s way of looking at things, Anna could not have offered her a greater compliment. Indeed, Katri is obsessed with truth and objectivity and her honesty gave her an unusual level of power and status in their village. Katri’s attitude is best summarized by a passage she narrates early in the novel.
But you never know, you can never really be sure, never completely certain that you haven’t tried to ingratiate yourself in some hateful way – flattery, empty adjectives, the whole sloppy, disgusting machinery that people engage in with impunity all the time everywhere to help them get what they want; maybe an advantage, or not even that, mostly just because it’s the way it’s done, being as agreeable as possible and getting off the hook…No, I don’t think I made myself especially agreeable. I lost this opportunity. But at least I played an honourable game.
And reading this book and thinking of my family’s saying made me really consider the “machinery” that many us take part in every day. The small lies we tell ourselves and others every day to lubricate conversation and maybe, just maybe, get us the things we want.
That skirt looks great on you.
I love your new haircut.
What a cute baby!
I value kindness. I value politeness. I judge people on whether they give up their seat on the subway to a pregnant woman or whether they interrupt their cell phone call to hold the door for the person behind them at Starbucks. I say “please” and “thank you” and want others to do the same. I go out of my way to give compliments.
But I wonder: is valuing kindness a way of undervaluing honesty? Is politeness indeed a “kind of deceit”? Are “empty adjectives” kindness or dishonesty?
Which do you value more: honesty or kindness? Is there room for “empty adjectives” within an otherwise honest life?
Image: What?!? It Wasn’t Me!!! by stephen031 via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
I think if I had to choose, I’d choose kindness and empty adjectives. The world is harsh enough that I think that the surface kindness, the kind where we hold doors for one another, help a mother pick up everything that has fallen out of her diaper bag, offer a smile of encouragement or a kind word of compliment can go a long way to generating even small amounts of happiness.
BUT, I also value honesty, honesty from my family and closest friends. I value it from them because they are my safe place. I don’t feel threatened by their words or the intent that it is given. So it is to them that I go for real life perspectives.
There is value in honesty, certainly. But I also think that sometimes people use the term “honest” as a way to get away with saying something hurtful, harsh or downright spiteful. “I’m just being honest” isn’t always the most honorable way to go about things.
Small compliments, even if insincere, don’t do any harm. I mean, can you imagine ever saying to a new mother, “Wow, that’s a really homely child.” Eek!
Oh lordy, I love this response. And I AM an honest person…at times to a fault, I think, but of course I wouldn’t tell you how ugly your baby was (I just wouldn’t fawn over her “cute” little face).
On the phone with my aunt recently, I said something about my open-mouth-insert-foot problem. She delighted me by saying she didn’t see it like that at all. But rather that I am able to look at a situation and break it down and speak about it openly and honestly. If honesty means uncovering the things that other people shy away from, then I’m all for it. But, to be sure, it is a tricky, tricky subject, as some people thrive on the NOT-knowing…that little thing called “ignorance.”
I am often too honest and I find myself regretting it later. It’s a horrible feeling to know that you have hurt somebody in anyway. I also struggle with the whole honesty/polite issue. I hate being false but I hate hurting someone else’s feelings even more. This is a tough one Kristen!
Interesting post. I think my English upbringing has something to do with it but regardless I believe I would still tend as I do to be honest. If I go out with my friends and they all tell me they love my dress I say thank you – but I do not instantly say I love what they are wearing, I will only say so if I do. I just cannot tell someone something unless I truly believe it. That is not to say that I do not value kindness because I do – very much so. My husband is one of the kindest of people I have ever met but he is also incredibly honest. For me kindness is about being true to yourself and always truthful, so that people can trust what you say. With my husband I know that with those he loves he will always have their back, love and respect them, tell them honestly what he thinks but yet not judge them for thinking or doing differently, respect their privacy, show compassion and forever be loyal.
One of my “life books” is The Idiot, by Dostoyevsky. In it Prince Myshkin is often honest and a buffoon. His honesty comes from that child-like place that is not painted over.
If I am to choose honesty or kindness, this is the variety of honesty I would aspire to. An honesty that has no flavor of rancor.
I think TheKitchenWitch brings up a great point when people often say, “I’m just being honest,” when, indeed, they are just being mean.
True honesty is of the variety you described here: “Nope, I don’t like that bread.” “Yup, I did knock over your tower.” This I love. But we have bastardized that word honesty a bit and used it as an excuse to be impolite.
Perhaps this is because, as you say, we have painted on too much veneer of kindness.
Great pondering.
I sense that sometimes kindness is an empty compliment. I think we all have our own BS meter and can judge when someone is just being “nice.” With the people that know me well and whose advice/company I trust, I expect them to be honest with me, even if it may be something I don’t want to hear. With others, I don’t take their points as seriously.
Yes.
That said, there are diplomatic ways to avoid hurting people’s feelings, while not being dishonest. Unfortunately, that subtle social skill is hard for youngsters to grasp.
We value honesty and integrity in our household, perhaps over friendliness. But we’re loners, anyway, so it’s rarely too problematic. Gets the kids into trouble in school on the odd occasion.
What a thoughtful question – kindness vs honest in this sort of social context.
But I think that’s the answer – social context. Honesty is essential, but hurting someone with your honest over something insignificant (like how the dress looks, how the dessert tastes) isn’t an appropriate use of honesty most of the time.
In a culture filled with cruelty and disappointment, small kindnesses go far – even if they are social convention. Can you imagine your day without the smile that is returned when you say please and thank you?
And unless you’re dressing for a major event (or date), as long as the outfit is acceptable, why would anyone make remarks to hurt someone’s feelings?
There are also ways to be honest, kindly. They aren’t mutually exclusive.
Wonderful post. Gives me room for pause, particularly after a conversation with my teen for whom I was going out of my way to be thoughtful and helpful, and his “honest” remark in response, was extraordinarily hurtful. Part of that is being a teen – not that different from being a toddler. But the apology that came right after is different, though the sting remains.
Kindness. It’s huge.
I agree completely. Kindness is huge – even small bits of kindness are huge.
I think there’s a difference between the not-totally-honest (and not totally kind) “That looks great on you!” when your girlfriend is shopping for a new skirt and the kind words you offer when she’s already out and wearing one.
I value genuine kindness and real honesty from friends – and I value polite smiles and nods from strangers. Social conventions? Yes, please!
I don’t know which one I value more.
In my mind, being kind is the holding the door, giving up your seat, helping a friend (or even a stranger).
Being polite is saying please and thank you, smiling at someone. But it is also where we get into dishonesty. Small lies, like the ones you mentioned. I don’t have a problem with that (unless it’s from a close friend). We don’t need to hurt someone’s feelings over a skirt or a baby. But I try not to do it (I’d rather avoid the question than have to lie about it).
Being kind is important. Showing it, rather than using empty compliments, is huge. But ‘true’ politeness (using manners, or giving a *genuine* compliment) might be just as important. It makes others feel good. And we feel good about ourselves, too.
Hmm, I think my comment got a little convoluted. I will continue to think about this one. Thanks.
A year ago, I probably would have said kindess is so much more important. But today, I value honesty so much more. No matter how much it hurts, honesty is always the best policy. I just can’t stand disingenuous acts. Like my mom used to say: “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” (Politeness/courtesy, i.e. holding a door or saying “please” and “thank you”, is different from kindness in my opinion.)
I very much value honesty over politeness. I often have a difficult time figuring out where I stand with polite people and am often suspect of “polite” responses. If you got a haircut and it was not flattering, wouldn’t you like an honest opinion rather than some kind words? I just think “the Emperor’s New Clothes”.
That being said, you can be honest in a KIND way.
This is a great topic. I value honesty and kindness. When my honest thoughts cannot be kind the kindest thing I do is to keep my thoughts to myself.
Kristen, I believe we should follow Dr. Seuss’ advice and “say what [we] mean and mean what [we] say.”
Just kidding.
I looked up honesty in the dictionary (thank you internet!) and this is what I found (courtesy of http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/honest)
1. Honorable in principles, intentions, and actions; upright and fair.
2. Showing uprightness and fairness.
3. Gained or obtained fairly.
4. Sincere; frank.
5. Genuine or unadulterated.
6. Respectable; having a good reputation.
7. Truthful or creditable.
8. Humble, plain, or unadorned.
Notice that none of the definitions include blunt or harsh. I think that we often forget the true meaning of honesty. It isn’t necessarily about giving blunt answers, but it is about being fair, frank, and living up to one’s reputation. Based on this assumption, I believe that kindness and honesty are related. If you are a kind person, your honesty will reflect that. For instance, I compliment people constantly and not just on appearances. My compliments are sincere and frank because I tell them something that I noticed, like how they have pretty eyes or how much I like the color of their hair. And even when greeted by a homely baby, one can always find something good to say.
I think I’ll stop now.
It reminds me of a Jewish concept called “Shalom Bayit.” A literal translation would be something along the lines of “Peaceful Home.”
But what it really refers to is marital bliss and the idea that sometimes it is better to tell a white lie than to cause distress.
When your wife asks you if her clothes make her look fat or if the chicken is too dry you respond carefully so that you do not upset her.
It doesn’t mean that you aren’t truthful but that you say something that allows her to retain her dignity and maintains peace in the home.
To be clear, it is applicable to all parties, being male I use wife because it is sort of my “default setting.”
But in general practice honesty and kindness are things that I value but am careful about. I don’t like being asked questions that people don’t want to hear the answer to.
My expression usually betrays my real thoughts, so if you ask me if those jeans make your butt look big you’ll know by my look. Kind of contradictory to Shalom Bayit, but it is how I am built.
But, that being said I do try to make an effort to keep things civil and happy.
I think this is where tact comes into play! I’d rather chose honesty with a little tact than empty kindnesses.
But I do value both. Deeply.
Wow good topic and tough questions.
I value kindness but sincerity has to be there as well. If I machine gun compliments to folks and offer little more than that, I will soon be ignored.
There is a world of différence between the habitual polite words that smooth social relations and self-serving machinations said with an intent to get over on another and advance one’s own agenda. Trouble is that there is a long slippery slope continuum between those poles, so we have to watch our intentions closely. But is it better to be bad but honest when one can shade the truth to show concern and care for another? I would say no.
There is a balance between honesty and politeness. Being tactful is not bringing up the dry chicken or that those aren’t your best looking jeans. Kindness is always good, but honest kindness. Small, meaningless praise is ridiculous.
But what do we teach our kids? Don’t say that! Don’t lie! Don’t hurt her feelings! How confusing. I like your family saying,’bad, but honest.’. It values BOTH honesty and kindness.
I was really excited about this saying of yours “Bad but honest.” It’s been what my 7-yo has been doing to me: Mom, your new haircut? It doesn’t look that good. Mom, you are kind of fat. Mom, you look really old. I am not making this up. How do you get mad at your child for being honest, right?
You know what we call people that are 100% honest all the time with no consideration for other people’s feelings? Yup. I am not going to say it. But you know what it is. ;-)
I love it when someone has the skill of being honest in a kind way…definitely a skill. I despise empty flattery and am annoyed by the people who give it. But blunt honesty can be rude and unnecessary as well. A balance is definitely needed. :)
This made me think of my adventures in Hollywood where you can die of encouragement. I learned that the only compliment that counted in Hollywood was a check that actually cleared.
While I agree with the general gist of comments and feel that social kindness is a good thing, I think a good gloss on this is finding what you can honestly compliment and expressing it, rather than the expected compliment if you don’t actually feel it.
One thing I’ve come to value in creative process is trying to grasp what someone is going for and helping them toward their vision (and not making it into one’s own vision); perhaps that’s the difference between compliments that fail to encourage, and engagement that deepens process, be it fashion or literature.
Well, not to quote Blanche Dubois, but I want to keep relying on the kindness of strangers. If strangers started being brutally honest I’d never want to go out. I think the people I know are honest when it counts, which is more important than telling me they hate my shoes on a daily basis. Not that ANYone hates my shoes. We can be polite and honest too.
I think we all need a lot of both – honesty and kindness.
With me, it really depends on the context. I’ve lost friends with honesty because they didn’t like what I had to say about them and their lives. But would the alternative be kindness if I continue to praise and encourage behavior that I deem as self-destructive?
On the other hand, I think a little kindness goes a long way, even if it involves fibbing a little to help others feel better. If we’re not harming anyone, I don’t think it’s a big deal if we chose kindness over honesty. But I do try to be honest on issues that matter (life partners, education, wedding dresses, etc.) Especially the last one :)
I think if you are truly kind it comes naturally. There isn’t a forced politeness if you are really polite. I want to teach my kids through kind actions. I’m already proud that they open doors, pay compliments, and look you in the eye when they shake your hand. They have learned these things by watching me. Sometimes, just in literature, it is best to show instead of tell. :)
Hmm. I don’t know. I’d like to think there’s a difference in being polite verses being phony.
Hi Kristen, I, like you, value kindness. It offers a padding that I know I need and appreciate as I bump into prickly corners in everyday life. And I’d like to think that there is honesty in offering kindness to others, in extending that olive branch. It’s a sort of acknowledgment that we relate; that we get that we’re all in this together and no one life is easier than the other. I don’t think kindness has to be a lie. Honesty, on the other hand, can be misused as a vehicle for meanness, or in Simon Cowell’s case, as a strategy to boost ratings. Great post.
Oh, now. Even the ugly babies are cute! That cannot ever be a lie, can it? :)
This is such a terrific topic, Kristen. I didn’t have a response right off, but reading the comments from everyone else has been more than thought-provoking! I guess I do hope there’s a middle ground, that honesty not be used to hurt but that kindness also not be used to “lubricate conversation.” I’d hope to say kind things because I meant them. I imagine the trickier part of things is when your opinion is solicited from someone. You weren’t intending to say anything, but now that the other person has specifically asked, how do you respond graciously?
(My first instinct: ask what the person’s concern is so you know better why s/he’s asking and then respond accordingly, taking that into consideration …)
Love the term “Bad, but honest,” Kristen! Nice assessment of two dueling issues when dealing with children. Though somehow I’m sure that the next lesson taught was one of kindness at the cost of honesty, right?
I prefer kind people around me generally, even at the cost of honesty.
I think it all depends on the situation. What is the “purpose” of the person’s honesty? Is it important to be honest in that moment? Is there a need for a hurtful statement? Sometimes, there most definitely is…other times? Yeah, I don’t want to hear how ugly my baby is either, but I would most definitely like to know (in a gentle way and from a good friend) if my butt really does look terrible in that skirt!
So hard for me to choose. I suppose I value kindness over honesty – but only a tiny sliver more.
For whatever reason I could not leave a comment on the july 4th post. I just wanted to say that of all the things Karen told me about living in Ohio last year, she may have talked the most specifically about her farmer’s market. I feel like I have been there.
I think there is a time and place for honesty, even if it might sting a little, and kindness, even if it’s empty.
Nell
I’ve thougt about this very subject quite often since I was a freshman in college. I met this guy, Rick, who would later become one of my best friends one night while aimlessly wandering around campus. We connected based on music likes, but I found him rough around the edges. he wasn’t rude; rather he was honest and spoke his mind in mostly polite way. As I got to know him, I realized I like him so much because he was honest. Not rude, but, like so very honest. I knew if I ever needed to be called out on something, he’d do it firmly yet tactfully.
Since then, I’ve gone back to his way and also one of my favorite Bible verses, which says “Speak the truth in love.” when I’m struggling with this very question. I carefully evaluate my words because I strive to be genuine. Kindness that lacks honesty is not genuine, in my opinion. And I value being genuine over kind, but I most like people who are genuinely kind. If that makes any sense… :)
As usual, great, thought-provoking post.
I like this: “Bad, but honest.” A perfect description for some things.
This post makes me think about “Minnesota Nice” which sometimes is being polite and kind, but sometimes is a fake niceness. A fear of being direct and saying the honest thing. A false kindness. And that doesn’t benefit anyone.
I’ve really been troubling over this lately: I say I value acts of kindness, but I also say I value genuine people. Which is better? Being falsely nice, or being authentically mean?