I know this happens to you too.
You’re minding your own business, driving to the library to return a book or sitting on the floor playing Legos with your kids, when suddenly a crystalline memory washes over you. The sights, the smells, the dialogue. It all comes back. Or at least as much as the filter of time lets through.
I have never been a journal keeper. Sure, I have a few lock-and-key diaries from my girlhood. Tiny notebooks in which I recorded the names of my best friend du jour or some slight that befell me on the playground. I also have a few scribbled pages from my adolescence, almost all connected to a love affair (real or imagined). And then there are the beautiful books I kept during my pregnancies and the early months of the boys’ lives, in which I lovingly, exhaustively, and exhausted-ly recorded every false contraction and every nursing session (left side 12 minutes, right side 8, and so on).
But unlike some of my writerly colleagues, I never routinely documented my life in words.
Until recently, that is.
Lately – and maybe more since I’ve started thinking of myself as a writer – I’ve noticed more and more of these fully-formed memories dancing in my head. This happens to me so often now that I’ve started to wonder if I might be able to trigger even more memories simply through the act of writing down the ones that bubble up to the surface.
So I’ve started a little experiment: The Accidental Memoir Project. A sort of retroactive journal keeping.
I’m taking notes on my memories as they come to me, writing episodes of my own personal history in the process. I now have a fledgling document on my laptop. Here is what I wrote the first day:
laying on the green carpet, on my belly, watching TV while Mom washed my blankie – summer, I think, because I can recall the sensation of the carpet on my bare legs, the coolness of the air conditioning and the way blankie felt when it came out of the dryer – warm when I didn’t realize I wanted warming up
—
Sarah R. gave me The Cat in the Hat Dictionary for my (5th? 6th?) birthday. Instead of wrapping paper, it was covered in Reynolds Wrap. For some reason this anomaly made me ask her: “Oh, is it fragile?”
To which she replied, “Yes.”
Was that the same birthday party we went to McDonald’s, a gaggle of tiny girls packed into a crescent-shaped booth? Amy B., Michelle G. were there. There’s a picture somewhere.
Or the same birthday I got two small ceramic jewelry boxes, each with gold accents? From the two Patricias.
—
At Dad’s company Christmas party, bright fluorescent lights in the hall, walking with Dad and Older Brother when around the corner appeared a man dressed as Darth Vader. Terror. I started to cry.
Older Brother, my protector, kicked him.
Was that the year at the company party that I received a radio with a headset? I thought it was a Walkman when I first opened it, but there was no tape player – just a radio – not so cool
As a writer, I’m intrigued by the idea of memory mining and memory creation. I’m also interested in the idea of leaving a document of my life for posterity’s sake. (Who in posterity would care? I’m not so sure.)
But, as a student of history, I wonder if I’m doing a disservice to reality by recording only what I remember now, decades later. How good is my memory after all?
Is my record of my life any less accurate 30 years later than it would have been if I had written it at the time?
Are our words ever really true?
Do you have seemingly innocuous memories that surface again and again when you least expect it?
Do you keep a journal? Did you as a child? How does your journaling affect your writing?
Do you think my accidental memoir will be less “true” than a journal would have been?
Image: stack of journals by paperbackwriter via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }
I think that’s a great idea.
Does it make your memories/stories less true? No. It’s all true. Just filtered a little different. The emotions and thoughts you had while experiencing those moments are different than those you have while recalling. Memory is such an odd thing…
What a delicious read, and a wonderful project! And I’m glad to hear you’re starting it now, rather than waiting another 10 or 15 years, or longer. Memories we think will never fade often do, and being the memory keeper – for ourselves and our offspring – is a wonderful gift. And a great writerly exercise which teaches us a good deal.
I am one of those who wrote from childhood. The earliest journals are nowhere to be found, but I have every one that I started since the eve of my 20th birthday, in Paris. And let’s just say – that’s a lot of journals.
The nature of these journals is broad – varying from the ridiculous details of diets to charting the course of beginning love and its end, new cities, new jobs, new friends, marriage, babies, divorce, and an interesting aftermath.
Some of this should never be read by children (grandchildren would be something else again); some of it is fertile territory for each of us to mine – as writers, and individuals.
My writing daily online has left entries in those more intimate journals fewer, but of a different nature. And I’m glad I recorded what I did all those years. Words will recreate the images, the feelings, the realization of what we’ve come to learn, and how far we still have to go.
I would love to get my hands on your journals. I can only imagine what lies within! Something tells me you would make even the mundane worthy of words.
I’m really interested in what you have to say here about audience, and how our more distant progeny, separated from characters and experience by time, might be more appropriate consumers of our writing. This makes me think about my own reluctance to share some of my writing here with the people closest to me now. There’s something comforting and possibly more forgiving about distance.
I chuckled to myself when I read about the Darth Vader incident. Brothers are good for that. I could actually picture in my mind your brother kicking Darth straight in the shin. Ouch! Good for him for defending his sister.
It is no less of a journal than if you were writing current events. Writing to restore your memory may even bring further memories from the past into the future. Pay attention to what your subconscious is telling you, too. Your dreams may not be accurate, but they are also a big indication of what went on in the past as well. Keeping a separate, more erroneous account of your life in a journal, will help you along as well. I’m a advocate of dream interpretation. There are several resources to do as such.
Yes, I keep a journal and a dream journal. As many others, I have had a past that is riddled with traumatic events. It helps me keep everything in the past without sweeping those said events under a figurative rug.
My poetry tends to border on the line of abstract thought. I actually write more poetry about dreams than I do by summoning up words reflecting on nature. Therefore, yes it affects my writing. Short stories probably not as much.
Sorry to hijack the thread. You have such outside of the box ideas. I loved this subject. Good luck with all your journalist efforts.
It’s interesting that you mention dream journals, Alita, because I was thinking of them as I wrote this. I was once told that you can train your mind to remember your dreams if you get into the habit of writing down your dreams immediately upon waking. (I tried that once and it did seem to work. Now I can’t remember why I stopped.) It sounds like your dreams are a great source of creative inspiration to you and I’m very intrigued by what you say about our subconscious helping us connect with elements of our memories.
Thanks!
I love this idea!
Stray memories pop up all the time. Watching my boys grow will trigger something from my own childhood. Plus my parents live close by. Even though it isn’t the same house I grew up in the physical things inside the house will remind me of moments from my past.
I really never was one to keep a journal or even a baby book for the kids. I feel like a bad mom on that account. My blog is the closest I’ve come to recording my life’s events.
I don’t think a memoir is less accurate than a journal. A journal tells the story as it happens or directly after it happens. The author is still in the situation emotionally. Years later the memoir is written once the author has time to digest and process the event. It’s not right or wrong. Just told from a different perspective.
I wonder if I can fit an accidental memoir into my life ?
I think this is a great idea too. I would love to have stories like that written down from my Mom’s childhood, and I’m sure it will be the same for our children one day.
Memory is a strange thing for sure, but your perceptions of what happened in the past are valid and valuable. What a great thing to do.
This speaks so perfectly of you! I can almost see you doing it. And I adore you for it. Not only is it a worthwhile project, but it’s one that I am certain you will come to cherish over time.
It has been years since I kept a journal of my own. Outside of my blog now, of course. And like you, I’m feeling compelled to get back into the act of journalling. I have so many half-filled books. For some reason I was more attached to the actual journal (look and feel) than I was to the writing, so I would quickly abandon one when I found a new one I preferred. Ironically I’m on the hunt for yet another new one now.
All through the reading of Devotion I wondered about thoughts and important parts of me that had been lost because I hadn’t taken the time to record them. And it made me sad. So I understand this, and I’m cheering you on. Because not only will those memories be important to you, but to your children. It will be the most amazing gift for them.
I love that you’re doing this. Even if your memories aren’t accurate to exactly what happened, they are how you remember. They are your truth, and so they are true.
I’ve been an off and on journal keeper. Less so with blogging and mothering. I think about pulling together my memories for a memoir too. It’s all very scattered in my head right now, so you’ve inspired me to write out the tidbits as they come to me. THank you :)
“They are your truth, and so they are true.”
Thanks for that, lady.
Well, for some reason, I can’t imagine you as a six-year-old rushing inside in the middle of a birthday party to write about the fragile book wrapped in saran wrap, so I think this memory is as authentic as it gets! Memoir is (as I understand it) not just a recording of events, but a processing of those events through your thoughts, emotions and experiences. Everyone experiences and processes those events differently, so your truth is just that, YOUR truth. Sarah R would surely write a different version of the story, and that would be just as valid. This essay by Jill Christman I think is a good example of this: http://www.mississippireview.com/2006/Vol12No3-July06/1203-070806-Christman.html. As for journaling, I’ve been keeping a “writer’s notebook” that is part journal, part writing exercise notebook, part list-making tablet off and on for the last six or so years. It’s amazing how when you sit down to write a memory, so much comes back, but when you put down the pen, it all disappears again. I mine these books to refresh my memory when I want to write about a certain topic. I recommend it (the trouble with notebooks, is there’s no easy way to search…I have to try and remember what year I might have been writing about something…what color of pen did I use? etc.)
Thanks so much for that link, Andrea. I think the idea of “shareability” that Christman presents is exactly what I’m thinking about: how have my memories been shaped by the telling and retelling of them? But in the end, I guess, it doesn’t matter. I’m not testifying in front of a jury. It’s my story. My truth.
What a great idea. Even if the memories are a little faded over time, I think it’s wonderful to record them. It makes for a great way to connect with your kids, by sharing stories from your past. And I bet that you will remember more and more as time goes on. How fun!
I have always been of the opinion that life was far better lived than documented. I don’t even have all that many photos of my kids. Don’t keep scrapbooks, either.
Yes, we all have those memory washes. 30 years later? Not even remotely accurate. The brain stores memories in separate pockets, like index cards for a school research paper. Memory happens when they all get strung back together–or, at least, they get strung together. But like my college roommate’s shoeboxes (who majored in computer programming), if the cards get strung together in the wrong order–OOPS.
To wit: After nearly 30 years of marriage, hubby and I have many shared memories. Except, when we try to share a memory, the two versions are often vastly different. And we are both equally convinced we are right.
I am always very careful to read anyone’s memoirs with a grain of salt. Looking back on a lifetime isn’t just a challenge. It’s often fiction.
What a terrific thing for you to do! I think this will actually be better than if you’d kept a journal–journals can often be boring and full of just day-to-day stuff. Your memoir will be full of memorable things!
I’ve never had the discipline to keep a journal. Ever.
I am avid journal keeper, although I am not sometimes consistent with it. I bought a five year journal this year that has 1 ruled page per day, with 5-line entries for 5 years. You don’t have to write much, just a couple of sentences to remember the day. I like it because when I can’t get to my real journaling I feel like I have at least memorialized my day.
I like your idea of reverse memory keeping. It gives a chance for your thoughts to ripen and the result is probably a more mature meaningful thought.
What I love most about this post, Kristen, is that you are thinking of yourself as a writer. Because you know what ? YOU are a writer. Bravo for acknowledging it.
Thanks, Rudri. Calling myself a writer is still not an easy thing for me to do and I don’t do it regularly, but I guess it’s true what they say: practice makes perfect!
I love this. Love the memories you share and think they sing with resonance and layered meanings. The notion of creative process shared, threads followed forward and backward toward interconnected experience fascinates me.
The notion of a collaborative narrative that none of us can fully hold, but which hold all of us with different things illuminated at different moments (like neurons firing to evoke memory in our own brains) feels very right path to me.
Here’s to your creative process, and the first fruits of what a little buffering can bring.
As for me, I have taken to writing the memories that don’t leave me alone, sorting and sifting for some way to weave them into a semblance of something, but it still eludes me.
I have, for years now, kept journals of my dreams which as been very good for me, although lately my life feels more and more like a dream and the dreams grow a little less compelling.
Sometime I think that we writers are trying to write ourselves into fully being… toward some imagined harmony between creative process as part and parcel of a life well lived.
I am a total journal keeper. Stacks of notebooks. Cluttery computer files. There is always a notebook and pen in my pocket.
I thought I’d one day write a book about my experience having a very premature child, and have since got caught up in writing about my children’s present day life. But amazing snippets of time come back to me without warning. (the dread and anxiety of washing my hands at the food-pedal industrial sink, preparing to see my baby each morning; the smell of the family room at the hospital…).
Powerful stuff, memories.
I’m always impressed when I read an amazing memoir that someone wrote 30 years later. I don’t think my memory works *that* well.
I think it’s great that you’re writing down your memories. You never know what that process will unlock.
It is very interesting reading this post to see that someone else is having a similar experience recalling memories as I have also been doing these past few years since my daughter was born. I increasingly find myself thinking about events, people and places from long ago, back as far as childhood, some I thought I had completely forgotten but were it seemed just tucked away somewhere. I cannot remember where I put my car keys two minutes ago or my phone but I find myself recalling with vivid clarity incidents from all those years ago. I think having children causes you to reflect back on your own life and childhood and so I also think writing down these memories is a wonderful idea which I might just have to steal :-)
Steal away, Aging Mommy! :)
I wish I had paid more attention in biology so that I understood more about how the brain works. I’m endlessly fascinated by memory: why we retain certain details while letting others go (your car keys example being a chief one for me!). I would say that I’d like to read more about neuroscience, but I fear that my understanding is so elementary than even a basic text would confuse me from page one.
This is such a great idea. My dad just gave me his memoirs, which he wrote exactly the way you are. Bits and pieces of things he remembered. Snippets. Moments. Thoughts. It is the most wonderful gift I have ever received. One day the people who read through your memoirs will cling to every word you’re writing.
I was a spotty journal keeper as a child. I had many that only had a few pages of writing. I was angsty as a middle schooler so I filled some volumes in those years with fact and fiction. I also had a habit of journaling while in class with boring teachers in high school and college. But alas, my issues with sentimentality tied to “stuff” led me to toss a lot if not all girlhood journals and even letters from friends and more than friends.
Oh, regrets.
I love your idea of retroactive journal keeping! I’ve never done it but you’ve inspired me to start a new project! Thanks.
Quickly, as I’m running out the door — here’s my stance on “authenticity”: what you remember now is, in a meta sort of way, a reflection of where you are now in your life. It’s authentic you, in the present. And that is part of your memoir, an indispensable perspective on those memories, the narrator’s voice, so to speak, of those memories. So no, it’s not less “real.” Just seasoned with essential, personal, memory-shaping experience.
I love those memories that come out of nowhere! Little snippets, moments in time really. It’s amazing what your mind can remember.
I do think our memories are flawed. This is evident when you get together with family or old friends and start recounting a story – and then someone corrects you! And maybe you all remember the same event in a slightly different way. It’s funny how perspective and time changes things.
If you were to approach this as a journalist, you would interview other people who were there at important times of your life. You would collect the data of their memories, and try to find the common ground. But you’re not doing this as a journalist; you’re doing it for your own enjoyment and perhaps for a heartfelt gift to your boys. So don’t worry about the accuracy!
I love the snippets of your memory. Mine’s been playing tricks on me, so I try to write down the fleeting views of the past when they come :)
For years I kept a journal. And then before one of our moves… I trashed them all. I can’t get over that. My mind was foggy at that point and I felt they were too painful to ever reread. I still cannot believe I did that… I’m back to keeping a semi regular journal now, a place to be a little more free with brain dumping than the blog :)
Fabulous idea Kristen! I love this. I find myself having flashes of my past bubble to the surface often these days as I watch Hannah doing things I so vividly remember doing. And the fact that she looks so much like me puts me RIGHT into her shoes. It’s so strange. I kept journals on and off through college (from 1st grade!) and just love going home and looking through them. I never did it consistently unfortunately, but even what I did record is enough to bring me back to the moment I was in.
I don’t think your memories are any less accurate now than they were then but you might interpret them differently today. You may recall things with more fondness now than you did back then because you’re OUT of the moment. If that makes any sense at all!
Loved this. :)
I wonder…does it really matter if your memories are accurate? Or is WHAT you remember more important to your state of mind while you were making the memory?
Hi Gibby – I think that’s a great point. With the help of a really good shrink, I could probably figure out a lot about my past by analyzing why certain memories bubble up even when they don’t seem particularly noteworthy.
Kristen – once again, you have inspired me. Since Little Miss came along, it brought my own childhood into sharp focus and snippets of it keep floating in and out of my mind. I use my blog to capture some of them, but I really should start a journal to record many that don’t amount to anything more than a random scene.
Yet the randomness surprises me, even warms me, and I’m not sure if that I will ever be able to recall it again with such clarity so perhaps I should do my own memory a service and write down what I do remember now. Who knows if it will ever come back to me again.
Thank you for sharing the gems from your past with us. I hope you will continue to do so down the road. It’s lovely to see that part of you too.
I love this idea! Like you, I’ve never been much of a journaler, unless I’m traveling. But I do have memories like these wash over me…and the randomness is wonderful.
I think this is so cool! Memory with the advantage of hindsight. I kept journals from 13 till I had kids at 26, then off and on. Mostly they’re boring; yours is a much better idea. It will be great for your writing!
Kristen, I’m sure one of the first things you learned as a fellow history major is that history literally means “his story” and always had an element of historiography about it. Point of view, ax to grind, whatever. So, of course, our memories are somewhat unreliable, but here’s the deal, I can’t write about anything until I have some distance. And it’s not supposed to be perfect.
When I’m sitting with my six sisters and discussing one small event, all seven of us can come up with a different memory of it. Mine is exactly as I remember and so true to the best of my ability.
I’m glad you’re writing. Here’s the best advice I ever got from my best writing teacher ever: start in the middle. :)
Ahh, Linda, this comment makes me wish once again that we lived closer. I’d love to chat with you and pick your brain for everything you’ve learned about memoir. Maybe I’ll have to rope you into taking another Gotham class with me so we can share the virtual experience at least! :)
Oh, my gosh: I know this is important. And I have to do it. I will, too. I will get a pretty book, and keep it on the kitchen counter…andjust write what we do each day.
I’m giggling about the pretty book part. Reminds me of what Christine said about fixating on the look and feel of the journal. My accidental memoir is kept on my computer so far, but there is something very compelling about the idea of keeping it in a pretty notebook. Any excuse to buy writing implements! :)
While your accidental memoir project will be less exhaustive than your original would have been, it may just contain the important stuff. I think it is great you are doing it. It’s really a fantastic idea! I have a horrible memory so if I were to embark on such an adventure, I would need to go mine my sister’s memory.
I have kept journals since I was in 4th grade. When I go back and read some of my entries I can’t help but laugh. And love looking at the progression I have made as a person, and how my thoughts and opinions have changed over the years concerning some things.
I love this project idea that you have come up with, and I really enjoyed reading the different entries that have come to your mind. It made me actually remember a birthday party I went to as a little girl! :)
I wish I had been more disciplined about keeping a journal. I did keep one as was required by my high school English teacher, but I always found it a chore. Even now, as an adult, I feel the same. I find that blogging kinds of performs the task of a journal, perhaps with the limitations that I have perceived “traditional” journaling has.
Good for you to find new ways to challenge yourself and keep those precious memories for the future!
Hi Maria – Between the private blog my husband and I keep for our family and this one, I do feel like I’m doing a 21st century version of journal-keeping. Now I’ve just got to keep mining my brain to catch up on the 33 years of memories I haven’t documented!
I could never keep a journal, either. My penmanship has always bothered me too much. It was never “perfect” enough within the pages. I think this is a great idea, though. It’s amazing how much a memory can change over the years, and maybe what we remember now is more accurate than what actually happened then.
I think this is a fabulous project. I often find myself with snippets of memory or confusing events together…but it’s on a matter of perspective anyway. My sister and I always remember different things about the same incidents. I find my husband and I do also.
Yes, I definitely think the memories are “less true” than a journal would have been. I know, b/c I’ve kept journals since I was a kid (don’t have the ones from before I was like 25, unfortunately), but I know that many times (even on the recent journals) I’ll read something and be like: It happened like that?!? Or, I felt like that?!?
But I think these memories, especially the innocuous ones, are precious, too, and certainly truthful as well.
As I read yours, many of my own popped up…”Hey, wait a minute…I went to a McDonald’s birthday once!” “Hey! I used to rub the wrinkles out of aluminum foil with the cap of my chapstick…”) I know, WEIRD! Could go on, but around these parts, Aidan Kai is back to his old shenanigans again…we’re running on 30 minutes of wailing and calling “mama” and “dada.” Deep sigh.
Oh, Kristen, I love this! so much I may steal it. I am ALWAYS slammed with random memories. There are some that pop up more frequently than others, for no apparent reason. One is from the Hartford airport, I was sitting in a booth at the main cafe reading Dracula. That’s it. That’s the whole memory. Why do I remember this? I have no idea. Another is rounding a corner on Post Street in San Francsico, the weekend I went to pick up my wedding dress. Of course there are others from my childhood, equally odd and random. I must record them! I did keep journals growing up – religiously – but I can’t bear to read them. I have them in a box in my closet. Some day I’ll read them, but not yet.
Hi Lauren – As a novelist, you might be able to use your random memories to help flesh out characters you’re developing. I am no novelist myself, but, as a reader, I always enjoy reading characters that are rounded out with random details that feel authentic rather than hackneyed – like reading Dracula at Bradley Airport!
I actually think that recalling the past in memories as an adult makes for a greater story to be told. I think it accentuates rather than depletes from the actual event. There’s wisdom and insight and hindsight that can all be woven into a memory. Usually much of that is lost over to emotion when writing it as it happens. Well, at least in my hot-blooded experiences growing up. Wonderfully, thought-provoking post.
I love the idea of capturing faded memories that spontaneously bubble up. I have kept journals most of my life, but have never thought about writing a retroactive/memory one. What a great idea! (I *think*…maybe I’m keeping those memories repressed for a good reason.
I took a memoir writing course once in grad school and one thing I learned is all memoir is based on what you remember, not what happened (unless you took copious notes). It’s a piecing together of he said/she said/they said and your foggy/emotional recollection. So don’t let that stop you — write away!
Thanks for that, Kelly. I’m actually toying with the idea of taking a memoir writing class myself. Because, you know, that’s what the world needs: another person with an unremarkable life writing her memoir. :)
This is a bg part of why I blog. I very much enjory these trips down parts long since forgotten.
Kristen, there’s an award for you to pick up over at my blog :)
As I read this I was thinking about Truth and truth. I feel much the same as Heather. The events you remember my not be true…and that doesn’t matter to me nearly as much as that what bubbles about in your head all these years later leads you to your Truth.
I found this with a memory concerning my father. I’d gotten a critical detail of a story wrong for many years, a book became a monkey in my mind, and that mistake, lead me to one of my most profound awakenings. Had I not confused the detail and let the truth be muted, I’m afraid the Truth of the memory would have been lost on me.
Odd how details have this ability to warm us and alert us to what is fragile, or what we need to kick away. I love this. I love that the detail can change, but the Truth remains.
Kristen,
I’m the same way when it comes to writing things “for posterity.” It’s not necessarily everyone’s posterity, but I often think of my own family. I like to see things–photos, mementos– from the past, and I assume my children (and so on, and so on) would appreciate it as well. I also journal (when I get around to it, which isn’t often enough) for myself. I want to look back on the past when I’m older and wiser and remember what I was going through, so I get a better sense of how I’ve become who I’ve become.
I wrote my grandparents’ memoir for my master’s thesis, and it was so interesting interviewing them. They would each recall a situation differently and then work together through the fragments of memories to piece together what they collectively decided must have happened.
My grandfather’s Alzheimer’s worsened soon after and he passed away less than a year after I finished the memoir. So, Kristen, write away. Write everything that comes to mind. Write it all. It will mean so much to your family, not to mention you, that you’ve taken the time to craft it.
What a wonderful project for your master’s thesis! Your story – and that of your grandparents – has really inspired me to keep going with this undertaking, wherever it might take me.