Every Choice Changes You

Today I am pleased to offer you a guest post by Judy of Just One Foot.  Judy is a writer, wife, mom of four, and amputee of six years.  At Just One Foot, Judy writes lyrically and eloquently about motherhood, personhood, partnership, and friendship.  I am grateful to her for offering this piece – one that I know many of us will find moving  and resonant – to the Motherese community today.

Thanks, Judy!

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Every Choice Changes You

by Judy @ Just One Foot

I knew it was coming. For eighteen years I’ve been told, by aunts and grandmas and strangers in the grocery store, “they’ll be all grown up before you know it!” It was believable; I understand how time and aging work. But not really comprehensible.  How could I believe it would all end some day when every day felt the same? There were always baths to be given and homework to be checked. Grass stains to battle and noodles to boil.

But here we are. In two weeks my daughter graduates from high school. My first born, my only girl, the survivor of a childhood full of little brothers. She became “legal” six months ago, on that magical eighteenth birthday. But she becomes officially a grown up once she walks across that stage and grabs onto that diploma.

I am filled with mixed emotions, as all parents of graduates are, I suppose. Did I teach her all I wanted to in all those years I had her under my wing? Does she know enough about life skills to fend for herself in the big world outside our nest? Did I instill enough compassion in her heart to care for the people who cross her path and enough obligation in her soul to make sure she gives back to this very needy planet we’ll someday hand over to her generation?

I’ve thought about this a lot in recent months. I’m a mom and I’m a writer, which tends to make me doubly reflective. I’m so aware that a good chunk of the lessons I’ve taught her are by example. I’m reminded of it every time she doesn’t bother to get a glass and drinks directly out of the milk jug in the fridge. I can’t blame her father for that example. But for every bad habit I’ve taught her, has she absorbed a good one? A meaningful one? One that will lead her in a positive life direction?

From the time we  had our first real talk about sex I’ve drilled one theme into her head. Good life choices. The things you choose today can affect your whole future. She heard the lecture enough. Every time I dropped her off at a middle school dance, every time I watched her walk out the door on a high school date, “Have fun, sweetie…and make good life choices!”

Of course she’d roll her eyes. Many times she interpreted my prompts  as indication that I didn’t trust her. I had to point out that it was my job to remind her of the bigger picture. I had to have peace with the fact that I’d said the words, in case she ultimately decided not to choose wisely and we all faced the consequences.

But now the consequences will fall more on her shoulders. If she decides to not pay her bills, her electricity gets turned off, not mine. If she picks the wrong guy to hang out with, he knocks on her door in the middle of the night, not mine. She will have life experiences I may never know about. After spending almost two decades actively involved in her daily health and welfare, that’s a surreal thought to process.

So in honor of her graduation I’ve decided to upgrade my life advice mantra. My new message for my girl is this – Every choice changes you. If the statistics are correct, she has a long life path in front of her. The big things, like a career, will come to her slowly, over the course of years as she figures out what she’s best suited to do. But I want her to see that the little choices, that she makes every day, are very important too. They have the power to change and shape who she is and how she sees herself.

Every time she decides to pass on that adorable shirt (that’s on sale!) at the mall, and put that money away in case her car needs repairs, she’s choosing the kind of person she wants to be. As she pushes her own grocery cart through the store and fills it with fresh oranges and low fat yogurts instead of fudge covered Oreos and Pringles, she is choosing who she’ll be. Like foundation bricks in a house under construction, she is building a base for her own identity.

I’m very aware that by the time her youngest brother graduates from high school, in a decade, she might be attending the ceremony with a spouse. Every guy she becomes friends with, every guy she goes on a date with, has the potential to lead her to an altar some day. When she puts up with even a second of unacceptable behavior in a boyfriend, it changes who she is. It changes how she sees herself and what she’s worth. When she stands up and bravely boots him to the curb, even though doing so leaves her feeling lonely and sad, it changes who she is and how she sees her value.

Once she finds that one, that special one,  sharing a life with him will change her. His opinion of her, his acceptance and encouragement, will change her in more ways than she can imagine. I know, I have lived it for the past 21 years. I plan to dedicate a book some day to this incredible man I married, with the inscription, “I have come into my own, only because you took my hand and showed me the way there.”

I want that for my girl. A life partner who brings out the best in her and helps her to find her true self. But it will only come as she makes the right life choices.

Two weeks from now, in the midst of the chaos of hosting out of town family and making sure there are enough party supplies to turn the dining room into a real live graduation celebration, I will have so much more on my mind. I’m sending my girl out into the world and it’s scary for both of us. Well, it’s scary for me. She’s still in the mode of pure excitement.

But I’ll give her a hug on that day, after heirloom pictures are taken and the graduation robe has been hung by the door, ready for its return to the rental facility, and I will probably cry. But I know deep down she’ll be okay. Because I know she gets it. She’ll make some wrong choices, but hopefully they’ll just ricochet her back to the right path.

Because I know that somewhere, in the back of her brain, she will be hearing her mama’s voice. In my most firm but loving tone I’ll be there to remind her what it takes to get the life she wants. What it takes to be who she really wants to be. “Remember sweetie, every choice changes you….”

Image: CrossRoads by NKPhillips via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.

Tagged as: guest post, Judy, Just One Foot, Kristen @ Motherese, Motherese, mothereseblog