Since my post last week on searching for a bloggy balance, I’ve been buffering, trying to find a way to stay connected, all the while making room in my life for the other things that make me happy and nourish my spirit.
Your comments last week – on the blog and via e-mail – in which you shared both mutual frustration and coping strategies helped me toward some powerful conclusions:
1. The blogopshere is a good and important part of my life. I like being here. I like having you here. I like the three R’s that I connect with this world: the Reading, the [W]riting, and the Responding.
That lifeline I referred to last week? I felt it and I feel it and I’m not willing to give it up.
As Justine put it in her comment,
My need to belong to a community led me [here] and now I feel I’m hooked. With friends mostly in other parts of the world, and family further away, the blogosphere has become my go-to space for refuge, comfort and inspiration. Now that I’m finally doing what I really enjoy, which is to write, I find it natural to want to be surrounded by a community who understands and nurtures this part of me.
2. But. (There’s always a but.) The blogosphere ain’t everything and the connections I’ve made here won’t disappear if I step back every now and then to catch my breath, read a book, or go to a yoga class. In my life and with my family’s schedule, weekends seem like a logical time for me to do some of that stepping back. Or, as Rachel said:
[W]eekend internet breaks are a lovely gift to yourself, which can show you how you can step away and do other, compelling things and come back and the lifeline is still there.
I’ve often toyed with the idea of a secular sabbath, a la Delia at Real Delia, and, given the pace of our summer, I think this might be the perfect time to try it.
3. The guilt that dictates so many of my actions in life has trickled into my blogging life.
The first place it rears its ugly head is in my self-inflicted pressure to post. Many of my favorite bloggers write a lot and write really well. And I sometimes worry that I have to write as lyrically – or, at the very least, as often – as others in order to justify my presence here. And what kind of sense does that make? Aren’t I here, ultimately, for myself? To make connections and to find an outlet that makes me happy? So shouldn’t I be writing exactly as often as I want?
And I wonder if, by posting so frequently myself, I might inadvertently be pushing someone else to post more often than she can really manage. I know that I feel a certain frenzy when I’ve been away for a few days, like I’ve missed out on something and can never catch up. Do I make others feel that way too? And the guilt continues.
The other place I feel guilt is in commenting. I try to be a good bloggy citizen, visiting and commenting regularly and widely. And sometimes, I admit, I will visit you and write something uninspired and inane just to get “credit” for having done so. And for what? For a comment doesn’t enrich a conversation or help you in any way?
Feh.
4. While I’d like to be able to throw plans to the wind – to say I’ll just read and write and comment (and nap) whenever I feel like it – that just isn’t me. I’m a rule-follower by nature. So I’m going to make some changes, to introduce not rules per se, but a set of flexible guidelines to try on for size:
Starting now – or starting yesterday, I guess – I’m going to aim to post three times a week. I’m going to ask for less of your reading and commenting time, and, maybe by asking less of you, I can feel better about asking less of me.
I’m also going to try to renew my commitment to Jane’s wise and wonderful adage: “Comment when you have something to say.” I’m going to try to free myself from the guilt and free your inbox from the drivel.
Will any of this help me feel more balanced? I’m not sure.
But as the buffering continues and the picture starts to resolve, I think I am starting to see a clearer path ahead.
What do you think? How long do you give me before I throw out this set of guidelines and replace it with another one? And am I the only one who feels like I’ve got to post and comment all the time because “everyone else” is doing it?
Image: House Rules by WDW via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
{ 87 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for the link, Kristen. And, needless to say, I hear you! (Especially about the gratuitous comments. Guilty as charged!!) You should absolutely feel comfortable pulling back and not being present all the time. I wrestle with this each and every day, but have come to realize that as much as I love my “on line” life, I am also a person (no matter how small, thank you Dr. Seuss) and I need, as you say, to nourish that area of my life as well. I think you’ll find that you have even more energy to blog when you do less. At least, here’s hoping!
Delia Lloyd
http://www.realdelia.com
ps-great title!
Thanks, Delia, I kind of like it myself. :)
Kristen, I’ve been grappling with every single one of the issues you raise — and last September I set myself the goal of blogging twice a week. Twice very quickly turned to once, which feels right to me. Or rather, it is what feels possible. There is a part of me that wonders why my brilliant friends are able to post both daily and wisely. But I have to accept that that just isn’t me. And then let it go. What you have written today is both an invitation and a gift to the rest of us — a gift of the simple truth, and an invitation to join you not only by reading and commenting, but also by living our own rich, full lives. Right on.
Hi, Katrina, and thanks for being here. I think you make such an important distinction between what feels right and what feels possible. In a world of limitless time and energy, I would be a perfect version of myself. Wouldn’t we all? But I have to get more comfortable with the idea of expecting what’s possible – rather than dreaming about what isn’t and then getting frustrated when I’m living the real rather than the ideal.
You are wise to step back and look upon your priorities. It gives you a stronger voice and platform. Writing is a art, but it is also a love. If you aren’t in love with blogging x amounts of posts then you should simply put your foot down, as you have, and blog by your own rules.
I couldn’t agree more about thoughtless comments as well. Most people can spot them a mile away. I hope we don’t get credit for mindless commenting. That would make this blogging world a little empty for me. Fortunately I have made wonderful connections that I feel absolutely honored to have made. Kristen, you are one of those connections. I relate to your thoughts and your posts. I try to comment upon them, but I think I may fail in my eloquence of speech.
I think this goes without saying, but what a wonderful thought provoking post as usual. Thank you!
Thank you, Alita, for being here and for the kind things you’ve said. These connections mean so much to me and I feel very lucky to have them in my life.
Kristen — read, write and respond as often as you can because you can. And anyway rules are made to be broken and boundaries can be reset. The most important thing is to enjoy what you’re doing and have fun. I love reading your work. I don’t always leave a comment. I’m guilty. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate what you’re doing and what you have to say.
Oh Kristen, I love how honest you are here, and that you are continuing this discussion. I’m nodding and agreeing. I think this will work for you. It has for me. I have a plan, and I stick to it. Sometimes inspiration strikes and I add an “extra post” here and there, but largely the 3 a week rule keeps me going. As much as I want it to be fun and free, the reality is that our lives as mother’s have to have some structure or we will lose control.
The most important part is to not lose the joy for it, so do what you have to to nurture it. And we’ll be here, because we love you and look forward to reading whatever you have to say!
Thank you for putting these rules in place. I have also decided to post less often because just as I dislike commenting when I have nothing very helpful or interesting to write, I also dislike posting when my post isn’t very inspired. So after this creative bootcamp that is kicking my ass, I’ll also be posting 3 times a week. Thank you for your honesty here… I believe we all struggle with what you describe. I know I do and feel so much better that I’m not alone. xo
You are NOT alone! I think every blogger reaches this point. I have blogged about this posting/commenting/time management issue. I’m leaving you the link because I really think it may resonate with you.
http://www.thetamom.com/2010/03/balancing-your-mojo-before-you-land-in-blog-burnout/
Thanks so much for that link, Theta Mom. I just popped over and read your piece and found it both resonant and helpful. I hope that others struggling with this challenge will click over to read and learn!
Guidelines are dynamic items. They grow and change as we do as people. You can make, re-make, fall back to the original as many times as you like.
I have been blogging less, which seems odd to me as I have been doing it for five years but it also seems so right at this moment.
Good luck! I’ve tried to do the same thing, limit how much I’m posting to free up more time. It usually lasts for about a week. I just like blogging. Some weeks I post every day, some weeks I post a couple of times a day. When it starts to get overwhelming, I just remind myself that the world will not end if I don’t get to comment on everyone’s post, or if I’m MIA from Twitter for a few days. And you know what, the world hasn’t stopped turning yet.
Hi Kristen, this is a timely discussion because I was there and for the most part, I’m still here. When I first met this wonderful group of super bloggers (you including) I thought to myself that the only way to become a respectable blogger is to post every day. I tried it for just under two weeks, and I don’t have to tell you how exhausting it was.
Because you’re right, it’s not only about posting, it’s about reading and commenting, and it started eating into my full time job. I found myself negating my work to dedicate time to blog (I hope none of my colleagues follow me here). More than that, I was spending less time with my partner and ignoring my housework for a “hobby” that became all consuming.
And then he told me that I shouldn’t (and didn’t have to) do this to myself. As a follower of many (tech) blogs, My Guy’s advice to me was that it didn’t matter how often but that it’s substantive and that I stuck to a schedule so readers would begin to recognize and anticipate a pattern. He saw what my self-imposed rules and expectations were doing to me and gently reminded me of the life I had outside of my bloggy world.
For now, I still struggle to find that balance because now that I’ve stuck to a MWF schedule, I am uncompromising when it comes to change. I would rather lose sleep than not post on schedule, and lately, I’ve been in a fog due to a certain toddler. Rather than a much needed breather, I chose to write on more frivolous topics, something my sleep deprived brain could handle, and that is an injustice to my craft.
But I do love what Rachel said about weekend Internet breaks. I do take them and feel a lot less burdened on those days, which is ironic and troubling considering I was blogging to fulfill a passion and as a hobby.
I hope you will find the balance you need, and once you do, please keep us posted (hah!). Because I’m going to need all the guidance I can get.
Keep you “posted” – teeheehee. You know I will!
And I want to say a quick word about frivolous topics. I think there’s a place for them. Personally, I love a good frivolous post every now and then – both as a writer and a reader. My whole fashion series that I play with from time to time? Totally frivolous, but fun. And I think other people like it too. So if frivolous is what you’ve got, I say go with it. (Says the woman who’s toying with the idea of a fashion post for Friday!) :)
Justine, I’ve had a similar struggle. My life just doesn’t have room for all of the daily posting, reading and commenting I’d love to squeeze into it, though I’ve gotten up early, stayed up late and eaten my lunch at my desk at work in attempts to.
Kristen, it feels almost silly to admit that seeing more three-a-week posting schedules does take the pressure off. I’m thrilled with the writers I’ve “met” by writing, commenting and sharing more often, and I don’t want to lose touch with that. But between work, home and my work at home, it’s hard to keep up the pace! Of course, I know what I ought to do is maintain my own pace, whatever it is.
Hi Leslie – I’m with you: it’s up to us to set and maintain our own pace, but it sure is a heck of a lot easier to do that when you don’t feel like the world is running away and leaving you behind. So here’s to slow and steady!
I am in the same place. I used to try to return comment for comment, and I felt it was all I was doing. I had to scale back, comment when I had something to add, and hope that others read blogs for the same reason as me – to read blogs (not to play tit for tat with comments.)
I have to say, my comment numbers are down, but my reader stats are not. I’m ok with that. I try to go through my reader 2 or 3 times per week, and focus on my favorites’ and my friends’ blogs and visit others when I can. It helps.
So well said. Thanks for your honesty, and I wish you success with your new boundaries.
Last week, after a couple particularly slow blogging weeks, I also reconsidered my approach to what is, essentially, my hobby. Granted, I’d like to parlay my hobby into real work some day, but for now it’s (supposed to be) more play, less work. When it stops being fun and starts being stressful, there’s a problem.
Here’s to buffering and to enjoying all three R’s!
Hi Missy – You’ve hit on a tricky situation for me too: at the moment, my blogging is supposed to be for me, for fun. But I do toy with the idea of writing for work. On the one hand, I don’t think blogging is necessarily a road to that for me. On the other, if I continue to spend every free moment on my blog, I won’t have any time to write anything else. Tricky indeed.
Oh Woman! I am struggling with this too. I already only post three times a week but feel like I am forever behind in reading and commenting on other blog posts. I like your idea about only commenting when you have something to say but I like letting people know that I was there. That I read their words. That is important to me. I wish there was a button we could click for the days we don’t have a great comment to write. A buttons that lets the writer know we cared enough to show up.
So many of us are thinking about this now! Struggling with it, really! There is a Like button on Wordpress now, so that helps!
I know exactly what you mean, Rebecca. Maybe we should start a new trend in which we visit people’s blogs and, if we don’t have anything especially inspiring to say, we can just write “Here!” (Kind of like attendance being taken in homeroom…)
Virtual high five Kristen!
I will post daily until the solstice, as I promised myself that I would, but then I’m committing to one post per week (with the freedom to add another if I feel like it, but not the obligation).
I feel like I have found a network of bloggers I really admire, and very particularly your writing, yet I too have felt guilty if I don’t visit them (you) every day (much less leave a comment).
Maybe we’ve gone through some sort of self-imposed initiation and now we have a loose affiliation of connections that can endure and grow with much less than daily posting.
I think secular sabbath can be a deeper idea than simply R&R from the 3Rs… in the shivasana space we connect with something deep and nourishing, something that is magical and which animates us to connect and create, but also to trust and just be. I hope we are all at our Walden Pond, or our sacred space, and that we meet up and compare notes.
Maybe we are in some sort of eternal moment right now, some sort of suspension of gravity and gravitas that will allow us to really enjoy our kids, our lives, our blogging, our summer.
I appreciate all the comments here, Katrina’s journey to her right number of posts. Everyone encouraging and honoring each others’ ways of doing things.
And if my daily posting has in any way contributed to some sort of ethic of blogoreah, I apologize (and chalk it up to some sort of streak of monastic austerity within, compounded by not-even-Ivy League insecurities).
So, even though I’m a guy, here’s to a league of our own.
I think our league can include all genders and gender-identifications. Oh, and definitely Derek Fisher. Wrong sport, but he’s a gamer, I think. :)
For five years I lived down the street from Walden Pond so it is a particularly resonant place for me to imagine myself walking the trail around it, playing in the water with my boys, enjoying a book on the shore (whether it’s something from Thoreau or Seuss), and tuning in to this place exactly as often as I want.
Cheers to that!
Kristen,
Life is too short to worry. Let go. Lose control. Do what feels right and stop the worry. You will be surprised at how much comfort can be found in letting go of things. This is not to say you dont care but rather to let things be pure and let the chips fall as they may. You are a beautiful writer when you are writing from the soul, and that is what I love to read of yours, but if you need to write about soemthing silly just to post …..go ahead if it feels good and not forced. You might be surprised how many people will always show up and read you regardless of whether you comment enough. Honestly, I would read whether you commented on my site or not. I read you everyday even the days I do not comment.
“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.”
Buddha
Thank you, Joely.
Once I feel like writing in the blog is becoming more of a chore/job than a passion, then I know it’s time to step away. I always hold hope that the regulars I visit don’t take offense if I don’t comment on every post, as I know they don’t comment on all of mine.
Kristen…good for you. Balance is so hard to achieve, but I respect and admire the grappling you’ve done. Elizabeth and I just recently made the switch to blogging 3 days a week, and we’re both happier for it. We both feel more excited to write when we can pour ourselves into a single post. Some people can write beautifully every day, but I find I have so many other writing goals (beyond blogging) that they were all getting lost in my need to post, post, post. I applaud you for keeping life in perspective…your readers won’t go anywhere.
Sounds lovely. And as one who is struggling with this very issue, wise words. Now if only I had the discipline to not post daily – as odd as that may sound.
As for guilt, that’s a toughie. It’s so intertwined with a sense of responsibility, and also kindness. The sort of kindness that others have shown to me, in the constancy of their support and thoughtful dialogue.
Here here! Since Anne already commented, I won’t say much more other than I felt a HUGE weight lifted off when we moved to three days a week two weeks ago (and that’s with TWO people splitting the week). In short, I’ve begun to enjoy the process of writing again and feel like I’m back to honing my craft…which was the whole point of the blog in the first place.
I think if rules work for you, put them in place :) Do whatever you need to do in order to make this place comfortable for you, something you enjoy, instead of guilting yourself in or out of it. I hate to see bloggy burn out, I really do, and I feel like those who write daily because they feel like they have to – not inspired – will burn out before others who do it when they have something to say, and feel compelled to write it. Blogging shouldn’t feel like a job, in my opinion. There’s lots of buzz about this recently, and honestly, I just wish everyone would do what they need to do to keep blogging relatively fun for them. Guilt free :) I’m sure easier said than done.
Kristen, as usual, you are in my head again! Thanks for putting this out there. So many of us are struggling with this now.
“…I know that I feel a certain frenzy when I’ve been away for a few days, like I’ve missed out on something and can never catch up. Do I make others feel that way too? And the guilt continues…”
Oh, the guilt! And I do so miss everyone when I do take time off! And then I feel guilty because I spent time with my family in real life. What is that??? I love spending time in both worlds and miss one when I focus on the other.
As you and I have talked about before – the key is to find that balance. I like your plan, and rules can always change as so many are reminding us here!
Good luck and we are always here, no matter how many posts you have. We love them all!
Interested discussion points! I am a daily poster during the week. I sometimes feel pressure about it, and I definitely feel the pressure to read/comment on other people’s blogs. I love to do it and build my community but it can be so time consuming. I love the community that I’ve found but sometimes these tethers make me feel tired and worn.
However, every weekend I unplug. No blogging! Only commenting if I feel like it! It’s a breath of fresh air to spend time with my family doing real things in real life. It keeps me energized when I’m sometimes down. It helps that my readers know what to expect- they know I don’t ever post on weekends. I’m out having fun! Or doing nothing! Or cuddling my baby!
It keeps me sane and helps balance out all the guilt. It’s the plan that’s working for me right now.
That plan makes a lot of sense to me. I find that, when I do step away, I come back to blogging with a sense of fun and engagement. It’s kind of like how I’m always most excited to see my kids the moment after I’ve been away from them. Maybe there’s something to that old adage: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
I love #3 on the House Rules: Keep your hands to yourself. It made me laugh to think about a time long ago when those words were common – from parents and teachers.
Kristen, I think we all applaud you and thank you for raising these important issues – and helping us all as we work through them. A couple of my favorite blogs (Life in Pencil and Motherese included) have recently moved to 3 days a week, and I’m so glad. It actually takes some pressure off me – off all of us – to see you making this conscious decision to focus. And I think this will make you happier and less stressed, which of course will naturally lead to even more fabulous writing!
Above all, this blogging should be about learning and community, about our passions… not about competition or keeping up with the Joneses. I promise we will keep reading whether you post every day or 3 days a week or once a week!
I thought of you and your House Rules, Eva, when I found this photo on Flickr. You know I’m a rules girl and there is definitely something to be said for rules that are a little easier to carry out.
I love this post. Why? Because I need buffering myself, and you have hit upon so many points that have been on my mind.
I’ve also been worried that if I take a break, I’ll come back to find that people have all gone and left me! But then, I realized, the people who care will always be there, and even people no longer visit my blog – - it doesn’t mean I can’t visit their’s.
Anyway, this post makes me feel better about taking my own time away to sort through some events in my personal life. Thank you!
Best wishes to you while you buffer. I know that I for one will be ready and waiting to read whenever you return!
Good luck with your new plan! I almost never touch the computer on the weekend (helps to have 8 hrs/day x 5 days/wk in front of one to want to avoid it). It does seem that the more you blog and comment on other blogs, the more people comment on your blog, which is nice and gratifying, but then you have to take a step back and wonder why your blogging (to collect comments? or to connect?). I love the blogs I read and the connections I make, and I love the little drive I have to look at my life through this lens (but sometimes the internal blogging of my life has got to stop). Like anything…a little is good, but too much is too much. Everyone has their tipping point (and some people seem to have made it into a career, with sponsors and bookstores and all, which is a whole nother level I don’t even want to think about!) This is starting to sound like one of those comments left just to comment with nothing much to say…so I’ll stop here!
It sounds like you’ve got some concrete, workable rules/goals set for helping the balance establish itself. Cheering from the sidelines here!
I also had to scale back posting recently (not that I posted that often before, but after expanding my tiny blog circle, I started to notice some self-imposed pressure to post more and tried to). It hasn’t been comfortable but I’m not beating myself up about going as little as once a week. Though I do look forward to making it slightly more than that …
As much as I’m sorry that that pressure to post is out there, I’m glad that I’m not the only one who feels it. Guilt loves company, I suppose. But here’s to writing and connecting on our own terms, exactly as often as we want.
What a great post and what a fascinating discussion.
The guilt aspects in particular are resonant with me. While I love reading blogs (and meeting new bloggers), I don’t always have anything to say and developed a pattern fairly early on to comment only when moved or when time allows. There are days when I simply read and never comment and many more days when I don’t/can’t do either. I prefer not to be a lurker but I can’t help the days when leaving a mark is a luxury.
When I started blogging, my goal was to write regularly. I had no idea I would love the community aspect of it so much. After joining Momalom, I unofficially started posting 3x/wk instead of my usual 2x/wk. So far, it feels right, but being a gut person, who knows how I’ll feel in a month.
Guilt is a great motivator. Too bad it’s also an unhealthy one.
Indeed, indeed. I owe most of my accomplishments – and most of my ulcers – to guilt. Sigh.
I think I need to start reading your posts later, because when I do first thing in the morning I miss all this great discussion!
As you know, I have been feeling the pressure too. I think rules are good. Three times a week is reasonable (and predictable, which is good for readers).
I don’t like posting everyday because I like to give my posts time to breathe – to give them at least a second day of attention. Otherwise, I kinda feel like I’m not giving them a chance to be read.
The reciprocity issue is sticky and I’ve had a post brewing in my head about it for months. I want people to comment because they have something to say about the post, not because they are returning a favour. I don’t expect reciprocity for comments (or subscriptions, or whatever) and I find it a lot of pressure when I think people do.
Great discussion. So glad you are talking about this. Maybe I need to get that post out of my head…
Yes – please do! I would love to read it…and, you know, comment if I feel like I have something to say and not, you know, because I’m returning this comment. :)
The best part about blogging is that there aren’t any rules. Each of us has to find the happy medium that serves our needs.
I am exceptionally prolific. I tend to post more than three bloggers put together, at least I used to. I have since slowed down a bit,
I work as a writer for a few different companies so blogging has always served as a virtual sandbox that I use to try and keep my skills sharp.
It is also my cyber therapist. I sometimes blog for the purpose of venting about crap that bothers me.
I don’t think that I have ever gone more than two days without providing a new post. But I don’t worry about quality the way that others do.
It is all about no rules for me.
I’ve had many, many blogs over the years. The main reason why I kept abandoning them is because I began to feel overwhelmed. So when I started the one I have now, I set a few rules for myself. I wouldn’t post on weekends was one of them. I would also try to post 3 times a week, 4 max. But if I couldn’t manage it, it’s no big deal (that’s what I tell myself anyway, but if I don’t have something to post 4 days a week I start to get a little twitchy). So far, it’s worked out great for me. I hope you find a balance that makes you happy.
The nice thing about the internets is that there’s room out there for everyone to do it their own way. And with readers and facebook and twitter, there’s no way of missing anyone when they pop back on.
You know me and how rules send me running, arms flailing above, screams pouring forth. But to each her own. I blog the way I comment. Only when I have something to say. I’m wildly unpredictable in schedule and content, but somehow those inconsistencies give my readers an expectation of unpredictability, if that makes sense. :)
Good for you for giving the step-back a shot, K. I think you’ll like it.
xo e.
Thanks for sharing your predictably unpredictable wisdom, Elizabeth, and for our e-mail exchange that helped me arrive at some of these changes.
You have captured so much of how I feel! I feel the pressure to post for the reasons you state. For me, being a newbie, I know I like people to comment because that’s the only way I know how someone came by and read my post. It is for me, but it is also to develop connections. No comments = no connections. Not sure how to manage that.
That really is a tricky thing, Cathy. I do think there is meaning in knowing that people are reading what we have to say and connecting to it somehow – and I guess we don’t really know who’s out there unless they raise their virtual hand and leave a comment.
Fabulous post, intriguing discussion. Your thoughts so resonate with me…just today I thought, “Yikes, I haven’t posted since last Friday!”. Long pause (about 5 hours long) until I read your poignant post. Thank you for your inspired words, your honesty and insight. xo
I really liked #3. Sometimes I wonder if I’m missing out on the best things around me because I’m unbalanced with my internet world.
I haven’t figured this out either. It’s hard!
Oh, Kristen. I’m beside myself here. This is exactly how I have been feeling. I am so very behind in reading my favorite blogs and commenting and posting and all of it, and I spend most of my days (and nights) desperate for a few minutes to read a post, just one post, and get that connection. And how is that better than snuggling my newborn for a few extra minutes? Or reading an extra book to my older ones? It’s not; I know this; I believe this. But I can’t help the feeling that I need to be online, that this community I’m a part of is going to dissolve before my eyes because I just can’t keep up with it. So, no answers here, just a big YES.
Somewhere someone has to write a post about why so many of us seem to feel this way. I suspect that it has something to do with our need to be validated verbally. Whether I’m having a great day or a lousy one, have written a serious post or a silly one, it really does mean something to me when someone responds to it, even just to say, “I get that.” And there’s not always that verbal validation in mothering. Yes, there are the wonderful words and hugs and snuggles, but sometimes I miss the adult affirmation and find that I get that here.
And, honestly, lady, I can’t believe how much you’ve managed to write – even guest posting! – since Bun was born. I look at you and am constantly amazed.
Great ideas here, Kristen. Something changed in me too lately, and I’ve found myself here but also in my life. I think I finally realized that I just couldn’t handle the late nights and I needed to stop holding out such unrealistic expectations for keeping up with everyone everyday.
A very big deal for me lately is that I’m not obsessed with my “numbers” anymore, like on sitemeter. It is what it is.
I am in such strong agreement. I don’t think you’ll change your buffering stance, especially in the light of summer vacation.
Which is more important? No brainer.
And,yes, we should comment only when we feel moved to.
Excellent topic… I just had to comment…(-:c
You go girl! I just decided to do 2 posts a week and feel so free about it!! I love this bloggy world but I love my life too. I think you sound amazingly sane and centered and, as usual, willl be an inspiration for many pressured bloggers out therel. I know you always are for me! xo
I am constantly worried that, when I find something I love and value, it will disappear. So I chase it down so hard it evaporates anyhow.
This community is no different. When I first found you (and the community that came with you) recently, I felt that surge of “what do I need to do to be worthy to belong?”
This attitude is destructive to the REAL work I’m doing with my life. When I am frantic like that, chasing things, I have trouble being the mother that allows moments to unfold. I struggle to be appreciative of all my husband offers me daily. I miss the joy my dog brings along with her love of rocks.
When, instead, I let myself fully inhabit the moment that is blooming in my life, be it writing, taking pictures, cooking, playing a game or solving a problem… I realize ALL is RIGHT with the world.
Yes, I want to build something more in my web life. But I want to build something more in all of my life. And balance seems to be my lesson no matter where I turn.
Thank you for your vulnerability, your honesty and your willingness to raise topics that are so pertinent.
I hope this resolution for yourself allows lots of things to flow into your life as freely as your bloggy world… kids and smiles and sex and yoga. Those are wonderful connections as well.
Hi Rebecca – Thank you for this beautiful, bittersweet comment. I know exactly – exactly! – what you mean about coming in to this world and just really wanting to belong and to feel accepted and wondering what I need to do to get there. When I got my first few comments, I felt like I was the nerdy girl getting invited to sit at the cool kids’ lunch table. And there continues to be a way in which this world, as open and supportive as I have found it, has played into some of my latent adolescent insecurities. (Do they like me? Will they comment? Why isn’t she reading my blog anymore?)
Ahh, if only I could just stop thinking so much and just be. (Would that be interesting to write about?)
P.S. I thought of you last week when I went to my first yoga class in years. Going back tonight!
How many of us knew that blogging was a competitive sport when we started? ;)
Seriously, if we do include healthy competition in our daily lives, it can be a good thing. As bloggers, we push each other lightly to improve our writing and to write more often. But as with everything, moderation and balance are key. Each of us need to find our own balance. Good for you, Kristen to know what takes priority and to seek out that ever evolving balance.
I’ve got to laugh about commenting just to get “credit” for showing up.
It sounds like a very workable plan, Kristen. I’m trying very hard to do likewise.
Little did you know that an e-mail exchange we had a few weeks ago prompted a lot of these decisions, so I must give credit where credit is due. Thanks, lady!
It is interesting how are self imposed rules are often the ones that drive us the most crazy. The great thing is if you create the rule you can choose to change the rule and choose not to feel guilty. All about choices … yours.
I’m trying to move to a place where I say, “This is what I’m going to try,” rather than “This is what I’m going to do.” You’re right: we can drive ourselves nuts imposing too many rules on ourselves. And the choice to be sane is an important one!
Thanks for stopping by, tobeme!
Kristen,
A big high five and hug and pat on the back and yeah!
I used to post MWF, but recently realized summer was knocking at my door and man summer is fleeting at 6512 feet, and so I’m backing down from even 3 days a week posting and so far my blog hasn’t shriveled up or imploded.
Enjoy your new schedule!
Traveling yesterday and so getting to this post a day late. When I started my blog I set out with a schedule of MWF posting to give myself structure and to keep my blogging from becoming a runaway train. I had no idea if it would work or not, but it was the best blogging decision I have made. I would be miserable trying to post daily and MWF gives me enough time between posts to rest and think of new topics, but still demands my attention and energy. You have to find what works for you, but I’ll speak up and say that 3 times/week has worked really well for me. Good luck!
Adolescent insecurities are exactly the thing; you’ve named it. I am learning that I can practice thinking. In my practice I can direct my thoughts in a more happy direction.
Rather than, “How come she isn’t visiting my blog of late” I can practice thinking about all the happy things she’s doing with her time. They are both imaginary thoughts. So…why not pick the more delightful one?
I draw scenarios in my head, telling myself little stories. (She’s decided I’m a bad mother because I won’t purchase nail polish for my daughter. I make her buy that with her own money. She thinks I’m not as bonded to my kid….) The tales I tell myself!!
When it would be just as easy to make up a yarn that is flatering: (She thinks I’m the bee’s knees!!! because I am asking my daughter to be responsible for her own expenditures and checkbook. She marvels at how I’m teaching fiscal responsibility with even the little things…)
I look for acceptance in the wrong places. It is from deep within my own heart that I yearn to know I am living up to my potential. Only my blood knows how to find its way round my heart. I want to listen to its flow.
I cannot tell you how delighted I am that you have found time for a yoga class. Yoga helps me be best friends with myself. I hope you will find something similar…or at least enjoy the time to yourself.
I think I need to practice practice thinking. It sounds like a skill I could put into play in several areas in my life. Thanks, Rebecca.
At the recent blogger’s conference I attended, one of the speakers said something that has remained in my head. To summarize, he said that we must make choices on what to sacrifice. For example, if you choose to Twitter, you may neglect Facebook. His speech was directed more to the business aspects of blogging and social networking (of which I am not part of), but it is something that rings true in many areas of my life. For example, if I choose to walk to places rather than drive, I must sacrifice time to do other things like laundry (not a bad sacrifice, if you ask me).
I have seen this come to pass in my blogging very recently. If I choose to respond to comments, I most likely will not have the time to comment on that person’s blog. In another area, if I want to finish my book before the Millennium, I must sacrifice certain things like writing on my blog. Sometimes these sacrifices can be minimized through prioritizing our time, but that can be difficult. I guess my take on it is we must make sacrifices somewhere, so make sure to make them where you are okay with it. If connections are something that you need, sacrifice in other areas (like sleep) (just kidding).
I hope that makes sense.
Frankly, Kristen, whether you post everyday or not does not alter our friendship in anyway. If I ever were to meet you (maybe next year?!), I would still give you a big hug (or at least a hand shake if you don’t really like hugs).
You do what you must, lady.
Oh, I am a hugger, so it would most definitely be a hug! :)
It sounds like the conference speaker was very wise. And he’s right, of course. Another one of my big revelations last week is that I don’t like that there’s not enough time to do it all. (I know, I know, very insightful!) But I think that moving to a place where I accept that there is limited time in the day is important to me so that I don’t set impossible expectations for myself.
It makes you wonder if we don’t unintentionally put the same kind of pressure on one another in blog land as we do in motherhood when we really should be supporting one another. I hear you.
Wow, SuziCate. That is a really, really interesting point. I wish that weren’t the case, but I suspect it is. Even in this place where I feel so supported, I admit to feeling that pressure. But I wonder if – as it sometimes is in the mothering world – I put the pressure on myself even though there’s not actually any external pressure being put on me. (If that makes any sense…)
This is my first time to your blog and just so you know I think you write wonderfully and I plan to visit again regardless if you post 3 times a week or not. Cheers!
Thank you so much for saying so, Alecia! I do hope to see you again!
Did you see the article on blogher this week about the things no one tells you about blogging (like, it is a major time suck)?
I just clicked over and read it: http://www.blogher.com/what-nobody-ever-tells-you-about-blogging?wrap=blogher-topics/blogging-social-media-0&crumb=10 .
Thanks for the link, Nora. Sounds like I am far from alone in my thinking!
Sounds good to me. I have had a hard time getting posts up too and have been commenting less and returning comments less…and I have been feeling so down about it. Thanks for this post. It hit home.
Here’s to moving past the guilt! Enjoy the weekend, Sarah!
I was going to comment, but I realized I didn’t really have anything to say. Just implicit agreement. :)
Kristen, I have found myself falling into the no posting on the weekend, mainly because there is always so much to do. And there are times when I feel I really have nothing noteworthy to say.
As for the guilt, it is truly a useless emotion. It drains your spirit of energy that could be used for better, more inspiring things…Kudos to you for setting your own rules…
Kristen:
I appreciate your reflections on these complex topics; especially posts and comments.
It seems like many bloggers (me included) go through a cycle when we start: 1) post often and see little reader response; 2) begin commenting and see the blog response increase; 3) Eventually, pass our ability to keep up with commenting and posting on so many good blogs as the time needed to do such is simply not available.
For me, it certainly transforms into using my time wisely–reading the works of good writers and trying to limit comments to when I have something to contribute to the discussion.
I do try to offer encouragement through comments–as I see that as not just registering my “yes, I stopped by” but rather offering what little support I can to a person in a specific situation.
Hi Slam – Thanks, as always, for stopping by. I think you have just described my exact experience of blogging so far. Right now, at step number 3, I realize I just have to resign myself to contributing what and when I can and acknowledge that there’s just not enough time to read every post I want to. I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, this is a pretty nice problem to have. :)
Hi. Am here. Have read. This is my stamp. You know I know all about this. It makes me out of breath, actually.
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