Finding balance is elusive. Heck, defining balance is elusive. It occurs to me that balance – like happiness, or presence – might be one of those terms that falls under the Potter Stewart “I know it when I see it” standard. Yup, that’s it, I think: I don’t know how to define balance, but I know it when I see it.
And I saw balance this weekend. And I felt it.
What started out as a blogging holiday soon turned into a near-complete Internet vacation. And it was lovely.
I napped.
I read. (A magnificent book. Devotion, by Dani Shapiro. Thanks, Lindsey, for your insightful review which inspired me to buy this book. And thanks, Corinne, for urging me to move it to the top of my teetering to-read pile. You were both right: I loved it.)
I ate ice cream. Lots of it.
I did some writing.
I watched some movies. (No, not Sex and the City 2. Alas. Not yet.)
I watched Tiny Baby take his first wobbly, wonderful steps.
But in seeing and feeling this balance this weekend, something was missing: all of you and all of this. I found time to do plenty of things I wanted to do, but only when I consciously cut blogging out of my schedule. The problem is, then, that my so-called balance was a false one because I only found it in taking my Digital Diet to new and extreme lengths.
In the movie Julie & Julia – based, in part, on Julie Powell’s blog recording her attempt to cook all the recipes in Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking - Julie explains to her husband how she has come to feel about her connection to Julia Child: “I was drowning and she pulled me out of the ocean.” Unmoored and rudderless, she feels saved in a way by this connection to a person and to an idea.
And that is the way I feel about blogging most of the time: like writing and reading and connecting with you and with this existential place has thrown me a lifeline I didn’t know I needed. And I don’t want to give it up. Not at all.
But how then to find time to do the things I must do and the things I want to do? Where’s the room for sleeping and reading books and eating a smorgasbord of metaphorical dessert? Is there room to balance it all?
The tricky part is that I tend to be an all-or-nothing kind of girl. I’m all in or I’m all out. And I’m so far in where blogging is concerned that I’ve forgotten to leave room for the other things that nourish my soul.
In Devotion, Dani Shapiro writes: “This was the way it had always been for me: all or nothing, I realized, invariably led to nothing.” And I don’t want my bloggy All to lead to Nothing.
I need to find that balance. Elusive though it may be.
How do you balance all of the things that you want to do? Or do you? (Is it even possible?) Which do you usually prioritize – the things you want to do or the things you must do?
Image: Balance Beam by connorreidy via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh Kristen, it is a struggle isn’t it? I know it, I know it is so well and think about it A LOT. I have no answers, only questions like you. I just finished reading hand wash cold and wrote about how it affected me in my own struggle to feel good enough. It has literally changed my life.
I’ve started consciously reminding myself that right now is GOOD, and surprisingly finding that it is. So right now I’m reading your blog, because of course I love it, and so it’s good. And soon I’ll delve into my work and in that moment it will be good. Later today I’ll spend a couple of hours with my boys after picking them up from daycare and that will be bliss, in that very moment. I’m not sure if this is really any answer, I could really go on and on, but focusing on the present and not thinking of everything else when I don’t need to is helping. Dramatically.
Unfortunately, motherhood, life is about compromises so part of it is deciding what’s most important and knowing that part of this is YOU.
Christine, thank you for this comment. First off, thank you for mentioning Hand Wash Cold, another book to add to my wish list. It sounds like it affected you the way Devotion affected me. Maybe we should swap copies? :)
What you say here about being present really resonates with me. Usually I have trouble wrapping my head around the idea of being present, but this one line of your comment helps clarify it for me: “not thinking of everything else when I don’t need to.” That’s the key, isn’t it? Not necessarily having some spiritual revelation in each and every moment (that idea feels unattainable to me), but reminding ourselves and giving ourselves permission to let worries and to-do lists go sometimes. To allow ourselves not to focus on everything all at once.
Thanks again for starting off this conversation here and then continuing it at your place.
incredibly beautiful and poignant post. just lovely. Thank you for your wonderful words, sifting into my consciousness.
I finished Devotion two nights ago and felt a dichotomy of emotion; so so so so so glad Lindsey recommended it to me and so so sad that I reached it’s end. One of the best I’ve ever read.
I get this, I really do. I’ve had to cut way back on the time I devote to the online community (writing, commenting, expanding readership) out of pure necessity. And while it has been good for me on many levels, I do miss it–and often feel like I am missing out.
That said, I find myself in a “healthier” place, with my toes only dipping in here/there, versus being fully submerged in the blogging thing. I don’t know how I got to this place–where I’ve significantly cut back on the time spent–but I do know that it was not nearly as difficult as I drummed it up to be.
So if you want advice (and if you don’t, just ignore this!), I’d suggest to stop commenting or reading for a week and just write. Don’t worry about replying to emails or comments. Just enjoy it. Spend a week participating only when you truly want to–no reading or commenting out of guilt or obligation. Let all those ideas about “what’s expected” and “blog etiquette” go. Just for a week. Then see how you feel–and see how much time you’ve “saved”.
Okay, I might have exhausted my commenting time for the week on just one comment. :-) Sorry for being long-winded!
I would echo Jo pretty much exactly. People will still be here if you post 3 times a week instead of 5. And when I realized that there were some people who were only reading and commenting on my blog when I read and commented on theirs, then I stopped reading theirs unless I really enjoyed the writing. The whole reciprocity thing creates a false picture of people’s response to your blog, you know? Are they reading because they like to read it? Or because you read them? I know this might sound off-topic a bit, but my point is that by cutting out those you read in order to keep them coming to your blog (or those whose blogs you visit out of obligation) you can free up some time.
I really think a lot of this (for a lot of people) comes down to worrying that they’ll be left out, forgotten, if they step away even a bit.
I have a question I want to ask people, but don’t know how (or where) to ask it without sounding offensive. I wonder when people who blog daily and read and comment daily on a whole host of blogs spend any time with their husbands/partners? Like, *real* time. Talking, having sex, whatever. Because I can tell you that I am not online nearly as much as many others, and I have found I spend less time with my husband than I did before I started blogging, and that makes me sad and embarrassed. Do you have thoughts on this? Have you had conversations with others about this?
I’m sorry for such a long comment. But I have had these questions. And I’m a huge proponent of stepping back more often. Reading books. Taking naps. Having sex. Whatever. But that balance you talk about is going to look different for everyone, I think.
Great post, Kristen. Really great.
Hi Jo & Elizabeth – Thanks so much for these thoughts and for the advice. (And, yes, I do want advice!) I’m thinking especially about your suggestions to take a break from the guilt and obligation aspect of blogging. I feel like it’s such a fine line: I get so much out of the community that I already have that I don’t want to miss the chance to make new connections and build that community even more. But then it turns into a game of wanting more, more, more and for what? To what end? I suppose this would be a good time to reevaluate my goal in blogging. Is it to write? Is it to find wonderful things to read? Is it to make friends? Is it to have 1000 comments a day and be more popular than Dooce and The Pioneer Woman put together? (Yes, yes, yes, and no, I think.)
And Elizabeth’s question about the ways in which our online relationships detract from our relationships with our partners is a critical one. Personally, I know that blogging has both helped and hurt my relationship with Husband. It’s helped in that it’s made me generally happier, more connected, more understood. But it’s hurt in that many of our evenings are spent sitting side-by-side on the couch, my fingers flying on the keyboard. So it’s a definite trade-off, and not necessarily a good one.
Did you ever read Tom Perrotta’s Little Children? In it the main character’s husband is so obsessed with his fantasy life on the Internet that he ends up ordering a pair of used underpants from the object of his desire, all the while ignoring his wife emotionally and, for the most part, sexually. I know it’s quite a stretch to compare our lives online to this guy’s. I don’t think most of us are making questionable moral choices by reading and commenting on blogs, but I also suspect I’m not the only one who’s ignored a crying child or tuned out during a conversation with my partner because my head has been so firmly planted in this world.
Unfortunately, when I think of balance, I think not of the scales but of the beam and teetering on the edge as a child trying to cross the balance beam. Not a good picture, eh?
I think balance is hard to find. I think it is like presence. When you have what is balance for you – as I am sure my balance and your balance are different – you will know it.
Blogging is such a creative outlet for me. With that being said, I make time when I want to dabble in other things. I made time this weekend. My last post was on Friday and then I spent the entire weekend on the beach, at the park, reading a new book, attending social functions, etc. I didn’t allow myself to even think about getting back on my blog until I was ready to be.
So my answer is that I make time.
What a thought provoking post! There are so many things for us to dabble in. Life is so full of wonder and delight. Thank you for reflecting on that fact (and for my personal reflection as well.)
“I didn’t allow myself to even think about getting back on my blog until I was ready to be.”
So simple, so wise, and, for some reason, so hard for me to do. But you’re right, Alita, it’s all about choosing to do exactly what we want to do with the time that we have. Thank you for reminding me.
I cut back on my bloggy time these past few weeks mostly because of my mood. Unfortunately, not because I was up to something more interesting. Over the holiday weekend I turned off the internet completely. By the end of the weekend I didn’t even want to turn the computer on to check email.
But now that I’m back to my regular routine I’m back to the bloggy world. I’m creeping back into it slowly… perhaps as a way to find my own balance. My life has been kind of upsidedown lately. I need to get back on track on firm footing.
I also have to keep in mind that balance takes constant adjustments as needed. Nothing is perfect and I shouldn’t expect that.
Congrats on Tiny Baby’s first steps! Now you have TWO to chase!
Constant adjustments indeed. I hope you’re feeling more right-side-up this week, Erica.
Balance? Is that a word that a mother is actually allowed to use? Really?
I thought that applied only to businessmen who golf.
I tend to be the opposite of all or nothing. I am too afraid that being all or nothing would cause me to either lose control of everything I tell myself I must hold on to or miss out on something.
Probably this appears on the outside to be a pretty good balancing act. But really the end result isn’t always content. I spend a little time reading books and blogs, plenty of time cleaning/planning meals/playing with kids, a wee bit of time writing blogs and almost no time watching tv (which is just fine with me). But often I am left feeling like there are so many things I want to do and not enough time for it all. Which, I am almost positive, is the exact same feeling that all-or-nothing people have.
So here we are both wishing for a balance that a) probably doesn’t exist and b)probably wouldn’t lead to happiness anyway. Yes, always the optimist here. :)
But, in all seriousness, striving for something as close to balance as we can get while keeping in mind the things we want/need to be happy is ALWAYS a good thing in my mind.
I’m still working on the blog-to-life balance too. At the moment, limiting the number of blogs I visit regularly is keeping time from getting away from me. But since there are already many I like to keep up with, I’ve had to read them in cycle, visiting, say, five blogs every day but not the same five blogs. Which means I get to one person’s blog every other day or every two days. At each place, I read whatever posts are new and usually find I can respond thoughtfully to the collected thoughts of 48 hours just as well — if not better, since there’s often continuity and more context! — as if I’d been reading along daily.
But other parts of life itself — well, some of those are decidedly still out of balance. But I’m working on it. It’s better than watching the tottering pile of happenings just happening …
Excited and delighted to hear of Tiny Baby’s first steps. I still remember when my sister took hers, and that was pretty magical, even though I wasn’t crazy about her at the time :)
I feel I am constantly struggling to find that balance. This past weekend, when I mostly stayed away from my computer to enjoy my family was when I realized just how much of my time has been consumed by writing/reading blogs.
My need to belong to a community led me there and now I feel I’m hooked. With friends mostly in other parts of the world, and family further away, the blogosphere has become my go-to space for refuge, comfort and inspiration. Now that I’m finally doing what I really enjoy, which is to write, I find it natural to want to be surrounded by a community who understands and nurtures this part of me.
Yet it’s the balance that’s tricky. I’ve not quite mastered it – as I’m writing this, my to-do list at work grows. Perhaps it’s telling that I really don’t want to be here, and your blog and various others are my escape from the drudgery here at work. But it pays the bills, so I am here. And for that reason alone, I should probably quickly find that balance.
If you find something that works, please send it my way. I definitely could use some help.
Hi Justine – Like you, blogging has given me both a community and an outlet for my writing – two things that I never want to give up. I think the problem I discovered this weekend is that I might be overindulging in blogging at the expense of the other things that make me happy. And now I wonder, somewhat pessimistically, if we are just in a phase of life that doesn’t really allow time for everything that fuels us and if I should just be grateful to have this place for as many hours as I can give it and stop wanting to have it all, all the time. Still more questions than answers, I’m afraid, but I’m working on it. And I’m glad, above all, to know that I am once again not alone in having these feelings and questions.
Yes, balance is so hard to define! It’s so ambiguous. And *maybe* I’d know it when I see it. Or maybe I’d be scared by it, and quickly through myself into a couple other projects!
Unfortunately, I think balance is only possible when we say no to some things. We choose our priorities, and set the rest aside for awhile. We don’t have to eliminate things all together, but cut back enough to make a difference.
It is important, though, to remember that some things can’t be cut back too much without causing harm. We must make time to take care of ourselves – physically, emotionally, mentally – or all the rest will suffer.
Balance? What’s that? I think if I did manage to find a place for everything I want and need to do, and put everything in its place, I’d just come up with more things to do. With blogging, I get up at 5 a.m. 2-4 days a week and blog/read blogs for an hour; I check a few other blogs throughout the day (try to limit it to 10 or 15). That’s it…that’s all there is time or bandwidth for, which probably explains why I’ve been blogging for almost 3 years and still have about 4 readers, but there are too many things filling up the other hours of the day–work, sleep, little people, husband, writing, reading, crafts, etc. (and my husband it attached to the computer from 8 p.m. to midnight most nights)–that’s how it’s gonna be for now.
I’m guessing most of us can relate to this, in our overly scheduled little universes in which we run the (often invisible) infrastructure of other lives.
As for the elusive balance, I know when I am farther from the extremes of all or nothing. And that in itself, feels good.
CRAP! I was hoping you were going to end this post with a solution. Because, you know, I was going to borrow it. I really need that balance too.
Sounds like a wonderful weekend.
I relate to everything you say. And I think balance can be a state of mind and emotion.
I also think weekend internet breaks are a lovely gift to yourself, which can show you how you can step away and do other, compelling things and come back and the lifeline is still there.
Very interesting. I have a different perspective on that problem. I balance everything so I, in fact, do nothing well! I find it to be very frustrating because I am similar to you in that I am an all-or-nothing type of person and I feel like if I could just spend focused time doing ONE thing, I’d excel. Instead I am mediocre at best.
I’ve written before that I think the idea of “attaining balance” is kind of bunk. It’s just another obligation to add to the to-do list; and anyway, is life really so predictable that we can keep things “in balance”…all or most of the time? Instead, I embrace priorities and flexibility. That means my priorities change from day to day. Some days my priority is meeting a deadline and sometimes it’s spending time with my kids and sometimes it’s doing something for myself. And I reserve the right to shift my focus at any time. In my post I said: “I advocate aiming for flexibility. It won’t sort your life into neat, equal compartments, but when I am flexible, it helps ME feel in-balance even when my life is out of balance. (As it pretty much always is, for all the reasons I stated above.) Flexibility might mean deciding at noon that it’s time to knock off work for the rest of the day and enjoy some time with the kids. Or it may mean deciding that today, this deadline really needs my attention more, and not feeling guilty about a temporary lack of focused attention on the kids. It may mean deciding at the last minute that I really need an hour to myself at the bookstore or coffee shop, even if I already had an hour to myself earlier or let the boys play too many video games so I could work, just because I really want to. Or it may mean deciding to skip an outing I’d been planning because I’d just rather hang out with the kids or because they seem to really need it.” The whole post is here: http://thehappiestmom.com/?p=357
Related to blogging, I sometimes get down on myself because I’m not present enough in this space. I’m not as consistent a blogger as many; I miss a lot of the conversations going on, even the ones I really want to be part of. But then I look at my life and think, okay…what are you going to give up so you can blog every day and comment on every post that interests you? The truth is that I can’t do it all, and that includes being a super-active blogger. So I post 2-3 times a week and comment when I can, and that has to work for me.
Thanks so much for your comment, Meagan, and for the link to your post on the bunk of balance. :) I think you’re on to something here and I really appreciate your point about flexibility. It reminds me of the concept of resilience – that ability to bend but not break when the going gets tough. The problem is that I am notoriously un-resilient. So the challenge for me in being more flexible isn’t just to be flexible but to be okay with being flexible. But the way you explain it really does make it sound lovely: do what you have to do and/or want to do as you need to. Proceed as the way opens, as the Quakers would say.
Thanks, Meagan.
I’ve got to tell you, I love you with all of my bloggy being. I read so many “I’m going to take a break from blogging” and then “I took that break, and I didn’t miss it at all, life is so good” posts, and I sit there and wonder what I’m doing wrong that I rely on this form of communication to maintain a certain amount of sanity.
But I don’t think I (we) am (are) doing anything wrong. I think it means different things to different people. I’ve been able to connect with more likeminded people in the blogging world than in person in my area, and for that I’m so eternally thankful, and it’s grown to be a huge part of my day, even if just an hour or two at night and here and there during the day.
Balance is a myth :) It’s getting in what we need to get in each day that’s important. And each day amounts of each thing will change depending on our mood, and what we need on that particular day.
Again. Love you! And thought of you today as a few shirts I ordered for BlogHer came in the mail this afternoon and I was dying to run over to your house and model them to see what you thought! Can’t wait!
And I love you and your support and your giant heart and, undoubtedly, your BlogHer shirts. Can’t wait to see them in person!!
Kristen, It is so hard to find balance with blogging. Like you I love reading them and connecting and writing posst. I’ve decided to take most weekends off to give me family time, and also time to work on a project that is dear to me. Otherwise, I would not be able to do it. I also feel guilty about missing blogs I love. So I think I am going to visit blogs like twice a week, and maybe alternate the days I visit which ones, so that I don’t miss any even though I’m not getting there as often. I don’t have a concrete plan, but I’m working on the balancing act. If you find a fool-proof plan, let me know. I guess the main thing is I am learning to prioritize.
Hi Suzicate – I think not having a concrete plan is a good idea. Too often I make dramatic statements like “I am going to post every day this week” or “I am going to read every post in my Google Reader before I go to bed” and then I change my mind halfway through and feel like I’ve failed. I do believe in setting goals, but I have to be better about cutting myself some slack and being flexible to change my plan if it’s not working in the moment.
For some time now, I think of balance as something as undefinable. Would I even know what balance was even if I achieved it? I am not certain. Because I am submerged into so many worlds at different times, my mind is mute to what is actually happening. I guess, if on the off chance, I did achieve a balance, I want to be aware of it.
By the way, I am reading Devotion right now. Amazing read.
It is hard to find a balance. If I’m totally honest, I’d say that I tend to prioritise the things I want to do over the things that I must do – only to then get an attack of the guilts and manically try to catch up on the must do’s!
I’m single though which does mean that I can blog to my hearts content after the children are in bed, as I have no partner to get annoyed at being ignored. I quite like having that space.
Kristin,
Balance is a tricky subject. I believe balance is found when we know what we love. And by love, I mean, wanting happiness for those people and ideas in our world. There should not be suffering in one room of the house and a party going on in another. Sometimes one room needs to be given extra care and attention because it has gotten weathered or outdated, but the other rooms are not destroyed inorder to construct it. Intuition goes a long way, and what is good one week may not be good the next. Pay attention to your heart and soul and you will find balance. It will constantly change if you pay close attention, but it is the altering of that focus that keeps the balance.
Joely, I am always so grateful for your wise words and these today struck a particularly deep chord. I adore your metaphor of the house. You’ve got me thinking about the way a tight-rope walker constantly checks her balance and makes small adjustments in order to stay upright. And you’re right: intuition has to be the guide to tell me where I need to alter my focus each day.
Thank you so much for these thoughts.
Kristen, I had another thought this afternoon in response to this post. It’s a metaphor I love – but I can’t take credit for it. I read it a few months ago on a blog, but just can’t remember which one. Sorry!
Think of our life like a stovetop. There are four burners, maybe four areas we can invest our time and energy in. Family, career, hobbies, wellness. Or whatever your areas are. We can turn up the heat on one burner or a couple burners, but can’t have them all going to the max. All your pots would boil over. (Or you’d blow a fuse, or whatever.) So basically, somethings gotta give.
Of course, you could always use the microwave. Ha!
Should I be worried that I managed to burn microwave popcorn last night? :) Thanks, Eva – I love this image. Really instructive, I think!
Kristen,
I know exactly how you feel…My mini-break brought some much needed rest, but I missed writing, reading, commenting…
Like, ck, I had hoped you would have ended with some powerful words of wisdom that I could adjust to my own life…Guess we are all on our own, huh?
Oh Kristen how timely this post is for me. I’ve been out of the loop (not by choice but by sickness and crazy days) for a week and have such mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it was kind of refreshing not feeling so Connected. But on the other, and the other is a MUCH bigger hand, I ached for this place. I felt lonely. Out of the loop. Needing all of you. Needing to write. Needing to read. Desperate for the comfort it brings me. Which is weird on one hand and so wonderful on the other. (Sorry, lots of talk about two hands here).
I usually look at YOU and wonder how you fit it all in. Your amazing posts. Your communication with all of your commenters. Your thoughtful comments on everyone’s blogs AND the fact that you still fit in reading books and newspapers and being a mom. I can’t figure out how to find any semblance of balance. I need to, but I can’t. Maybe together, we’ll figure it out…
Thank you so much for your sweet words, Becca. All of these comments are giving me some ideas on how to make it all work. And part of the problem might stem from the way we inadvertently push each other. If I post everyday, then maybe you feel like you have to post everyday. And then someone else feels not only like she has to post everyday, but also like she has to comment on all of our posts, etc., etc. So maybe there’s a not-intentionally-vicious cycle that forms that we can help each other out of? I don’t know. Lots of thoughts still percolating here, but so grateful for this feedback and to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way.
So, I’ve been thinking a ton about balance lately as I face some big decisions about my career, which in many ways just began, and motherhood, which in all ways just began. Then there are the other pieces of life to balance: time for myself (to read, run, get a pedicure…), time for husband (to laugh, argue, snuggle), time for the long hound… etc. (things that were absolutely out of balance even before the mom thing came into the picture…)
Tonight, I went running for perhaps the 10th time since the wee one came into the world six months ago. Here’s how the day went: AM: Walk with hound and mom, feed little one, go to work (where I was variously “productive” but that’s another topic altogether) PM: come home to find mom making a salad and husband feeding little one cereal, give her bath, sing her a few songs and put her down to sleep, walk hound, go running, read Kristin’s blog. NOW, in some ways it was perfect. I felt like a real person getting to take care of me. At the same time, it would not be OK at all if this were the everyday pattern- I would be devastated to miss so much of little’s day to day life. I guess my question is where is the perfect (or productive and livable) balance between work and motherhood?
As a teacher, I always felt out of balance, wanting to find ways to meet all of the many demands of the classroom, students, and curriculum. Eva’s comments about the stove played out in my classroom (and now in my school) as “front burner/back burner.” For example, during our study of colonial America, social studies was on the front burner and science was on the back burner… still simmering (through work like dying fabric and making preserves,) but not requiring active maintenance…
I wonder, is there a front burner/back burner approach to work and motherhood? Both seem to be huge pots on the front burners right now…
Hello, sweet friend, whom I must call so we can talk about these things in real time. And soon.
I think you’re really onto something here when you talk about your ME-ish day feeling good in the moment, but only because you know that not every day is that ME-ish. You won’t have the flame up so high on that burner everyday.
So what about the pots in your life now (or the burners – sorry, Eva, I’m butchering the metaphor)? It seems like you have career, and wee lass, and your man, and Other. (Sorry, long hound, I’m working with a four burner stove, so you’re going to have to squeeze into “Other” for now.) From personal experience, it’s mighty hard not to have the flame up very, very high on the wee lass burner at this point in her life and in yours. I think working parents have it especially hard because they feel like the career needs a big flame too. And then what about our partners and the rest of our lives? I wish I knew. I know the answer lies somewhere in flexibility and resilience and making choices, but I haven’t found it yet.
One of the things that has felt so good to me – but has also complicated things to an extent – about writing and blogging was that it has added an entirely new pot to my stove. When I stopped teaching when Big Boy was born, my whole focus was on him. Because we had just moved and I didn’t have a community of friends here and Husband had just started a new job, I really felt a lack of connection to any part of my life other than my baby. And that wasn’t so good. Now things have leveled off on the home-front, but I’ve got this other big pot – or, eh, burner, whatever – boiling away, a little bit out of control.
Oh, I feel you. I want balance of all kinds! Work/life balance; spouse/parent/self balance; activity and rest balance; noise and quiet; friends and family; big family and little family balance.
But even that takes multitasking, that contemporary standard that we must practice despite all we hear about how it leads to consistently lesser results!
I achieve the greatest sense of balance in my life right now when I can simply and smoothly move between workday and evening, workweek and weekend.
Your post and its comments are so timely for me, and likely for every blogger out there.
I am still struggling with balance and trying to figure out where my investment in the blogosphere really counts. I know it’s with the people behind the blogs, so the next question is — how to best cultivate those relationships, and how to cull the fluff.
I’ll be pondering and coming back here to read and think and read and think.
Balance is constantly changing. Each moment it is something new. Which is why it’s hard.
Blogging is a magical place where we can all talk without shouting, without interruptions or inspite of them, and often feel heard.
Yes, Kristen. It IS so hard. So hard hard hard to find a way to fit everything into a day or a week. All the things that make you happy just for you. All the things that make your house and home and kids happy. I fear that we will never stop trying to find a way to balance it all. If you figure it out, be sure to let us know!
And Devotion? Total awesomeness, right?
oh, I know what you mean. I think I’m going to start only posting twice a week this summer. I can’t stop, I feel too connected to so many of you guys! But I need to get some other life and writing accomplished…
I so resonate to this balance challenge. My first thought was that I know I’m balancing when I’m not lying face down in the dirt (when the earth is simply holding my unbalanced self).
Your mention of “Julie and Julia” reminded me of a post I wrote before we knew each other (http://bit.ly/9sG6Fm).
I like to think that we’re experimenting with our own wobbly first steps toward balancing our myriad lives (but at least doing so supported by each other, which to me seems to make a huge difference).
Must shuffer off to buffero.
Hoo-boy, do I share your struggles with balance. I love that quote about “all-or-nothing leading to nothing.” I’m going to write it down and hang it near my computer.
Glad you took a break–and glad to see you back. I missed you.
I’m struggling with the same thing. And now that summer is here, I think it feels even more difficult.
I don’t know what the answer is BUT I do know it’s a good problem to have.
Blogging is like targeted socializing, or so one of my commenters once said. I have to agree with him.
Balance is something that changes and evolves all the time- one day you have it and the next…
“Targeted socializing.” I like that.
Kristen, I, too, am an all or nothing kinda girl (and in a few particular weeks this summer, I shall be ALL about The Tour and will probably get on here barely at all!). I find that I go days without wanting to post, days without bieng able to sit down and read and appropriately comment…and then I feel terrible pressure. I stress that “you guys” will stop following me b/c I”m not around so often. I stress that I will be out of the loop. I stress that I will lose readers. I stress that I have missed a wonderful post you guys put up. I stress. And then I come back, and then I love it and then I’m ALL up in it again. Til I go back to my break…it’s a vicious cycle. But I”m like that with a lot of stuff in life. I have no answers for you, honestly. If you figure this out, certainly pass along the knowledge, because this is a biggie for me. Good to know I’m not alone.
Hi Liz – Thanks so much for bringing up what I think is a really big factor here: stress, almost to the point of fear. We like what we’ve found here and we worry that it will go away if we duck out from time to time. I know exactly how you feel and I think that my frenzied approach to blogging stems in part from my concern that this world – or at least my place in it – will vanish if I’m not a constant presence. I’m still thinking about it, but I’m moving toward an approach that tries to tune out that fear factor. What a shame that we introduce an element of stress into something that’s supposed to be an outlet for fun and connection. But, yeah, definitely glad that I’m not alone.
Just catching up and had a chance to read this post (in ref: to today’s post, I – apparently – have been buffering for over a week; I think I need to upgrade my operating system).
I have nothing for you – no answers. So why am I wasting your time with comment? Just to say that I get it. I’m having a hell of a time with balance… feeling tired and pulled in too many directions.
If you find the secret to balance, please share it!! I find that if I take an (often much needed) internet break, I end up ridiculously behind in both reading and writing. It’s nearly impossible to catch up. But then, blogging is supposed be to my fun outlet, a little writing practice, no pressure. That leaves me struggling with balance – I am innately incapable to do things in a relaxed, “fun outlet” manner. I’m trying, though. Trying.
and it appears also incapable of proper sentence structure… editing… proofreading. Did I mention I’m a little sleepy?
And there’s that feeling again, Missy: that we’re falling behind on something that’s supposed to be fun.
I’m still buffering. :) But I’m moving toward some changes that I hope will help me escape those feeling of stress that feel more like blogging is my job rather than my outlet. Stay tuned.
Though I have asked myself similar questions, I think for the most part “balance” is a myth. Is it balanced or not if I: got to sleep in a little this morning, worked all day and then went out for a drink with coworkers but consequently didn’t see my kids until 5 minutes before the twins’ bedtime, played with Ada for an hour and then played with the computer and watched Glee while my husband was off at poker? (Good – got stuff done at work, got some sleep, socialized, relaxed, played a bit with kid; Bad – no time with babies, no exercise, no reading for fun, no time with husband) So am I in balance or out of whack? Maybe it is like the pediatricians say about child nutrition – if over time they are getting protein, dairy, vegetables, it is okay if on any given day they don’t have any one of those things.
What a perfect metaphor, Nora: this idea that as long as we give everything its due on the whole, the details don’t matter so much in the day-to-day. I believe that’s true – or at least I hope it is.
Kristen, first of all, congratulations on not posting today! First of all, this post, about balance, is quite good enough to let simmer for a while, let the discussion happen, let your friends happen upon, like I have!
I’ve been crazy busy lately with summer starting and my son graduating and I haven’t been on so much and am behind in blogging and, like you, I noticed that it felt really good to have my regular life. Then I got back over here and started reading and thought about the depth and the connections and the friendships, and more to discover all the time!
And, as an aside, I’m finishing up Devotion myself right now. I’ve liked it a lot though sometimes I find Dani Shapiro a little too “navel-gazing” for me, a little too traumatized by over-thinking everything, but then I understand that these are true struggles towards peacefulness and serenity she’s describing. They’re just not struggles I have.
As a writer, I felt there were a few too many cut ins and cut outs of subjects, though I like that technique a lot normally. But there were a lot of flips between her mother’s cancer and her son’s illness and her quest and the yoga, so much so that sometimes I wanted to follow one line of narrative perhaps a little longer before a breakaway.
Hi Linda – Thanks for being here despite the craziness of your own life right now. (And here’s hoping that summer will bring you some relief from the busy-ness.)
Thanks too for your thoughts on Devotion. I was probably most moved by Dani Shapiro’s process of, as she calls it, “opt[ing] back in” and “form[ing] – if not an opinion – a set of feelings and instincts by which to live.” Her struggles toward feeling and defining a presence in her life larger than herself really resonated with me. I completely get what you’re saying about the peripatetic pacing of the mini-chapters. What does it say about the mellowness of my own brain that they didn’t bother me? :)
Kristen, I am sad that I missed this post! I hope you’ll forgive my absence and tardiness.
You know my tremendous struggle with balance so, of course, this post really hit me. I don’t have any solutions to offer but I can extend to you some encouragement. As I have done some bloggy soul searching, I have realized that the reason why I blog is to find and connect with people. There are days when I can’t comment or can’t post and there are days when I am a comment demon. Both types are ok. I have made lasting friendships that don’t disappear because I am unable to blog.
I hope that you find some answers soon. I would write a little bit more but my little girl is asking me to go get her brother. : )
Thank you for this, my lovely comment demon friend. :)
I missed this post in my one (or two) day break from my reader. I was feeling the same way about my blog – I ended up writing a short post about it. But, I felt bound to my blog, bound by my blog, and feeling really tempted to just give it up and get back to my physical life – fully and completely. Like you, all or nothing.
I doubt I will ever give it up (or at least not in the forseeable future) – I still have too much to share. Too much to say. Too many connections to make and to nurture.
That said, it’s hard to maintain balance – I have trouble managing expectations and balancing time. I don’t have any answers. Although, I have decided to release myself of ‘strategy’ and blog when I am inspired to (for starters) and forget about numbers (of retweets, comments, stats, etc, etc…)
“I have decided to release myself of ‘strategy’ and blog when I am inspired to (for starters) and forget about numbers (of retweets, comments, stats, etc, etc…)”
That sounds like a great plan to me, and very close to what I have in mind. The only number I’m really going to focus on is how often I’ll post because, given my personality (i.e. control freak), I worry that if I just say “I’ll post when I feel like it” I’ll end up never writing so I’m going to set a minimum goal for each week and then try not to feel guilty if I don’t hit my target.
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