Last week as I got out of my car in the Kroger parking lot, my grocery list blew right out of my bag. It set sail on the Midwestern wind that whipped my ponytail across my face, a 8 1/2 by 11″ kite sailing off toward the edge of the road. Had I not had two small children strapped into their car seats to worry about, I would probably have taken off after it, awkwardly dancing through shopping carts and parked cars trying to retrieve it. But my efforts would have been in vain. That list caught the wind and it was gone, baby, gone.
Husband teases me about my obsession with lists, my need to write everything down. He cites articles from The New Yorker about memory, gently suggesting that I am allowing mine to atrophy by relying so heavily on lists to remind me of my plans and my “to dos.” He reminds me about the “Nun Study” and the importance of exercising our noggins as much as our bodies.
To him, memory is a muscle. Use it or lose it.
The thing is, though, that, despite my reliance on lists, I have a great memory. I never forget the people I’ve met. I remember the particulars of conversations from years ago. I have a particularly uncanny ability to remember song lyrics (with 1980s TV theme songs holding a special place in the pantheon). I can recall details about friends and friends of friends that can sometimes earn me looks of confusion or stalker-ly fear.
So then what’s up with all the lists?
A recent article at Zen Habits argued for killing your to-do list and replacing it with the “One Thing System”:
- I wake up in the morning, and decide what One Thing I’m excited about.
- Then I focus on doing that, pushing everything else aside, clearing distractions, and allowing myself to get caught up in the moment.
When I first read the post, I liked the idea of freeing myself from the shackles of lists. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my list-making really is an act of distraction-clearing – sort of like a colonic for the memory. And that writing down all of the minutiae of my life actually frees my mind to take in more important information. Keeping lists helps me maintain the kind of memory I want, one that is purposely selective.
And, apparently, the act of writing things down must be more powerful than I thought. Not only am I cleansing my mind, but I suspect that I am also committing things to memory.
After I got the boys out of the car and strapped into the shopping cart, I looked to the other end of the parking lot, to the smattering of refuse in which my grocery list may have made its home. And, in an uncharacteristic moment, I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Oh well.” Into the store we went.
I remembered to buy everything that had been on the list.
Guess my memory muscle is well-toned after all.
Do you have a good memory? Do you rely on shopping lists and to-do lists?
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I am a true believer that memory is a muscle. I exercise mine as much as I can. My head is so full of useless information. LOL!
If I don’t write it down, I won’t remember. Period. I wasn’t like that before becoming a mother. So I figure it’s a good excuse. And I’m with you, once it’s down, I’m free of it. I don’t have to think about it anymore. That’s better than memory for now I think. (Cause trust me, mine is in despearate need of exercise!)
I think making lists is about attending. I make a list to focus my attention. Perhaps once the list is made it is part of my attention…permanetly placed.
But I like your idea better, that lists allow space. There is a clearing capacity that lists allow. They make room for other information to inhabit.
I make a grocery list and a to-do list at work. I find the to-do list at work helps keep me organized and helps me prioritize. Other than that, I’d like to think that I have a good memory. With the exception of my year of brain termites.
“Brain termites,” eh? I saw that was the title of your post today. You’ve definitely piqued my curiosity!
I can tell you this much: of my grandparents, both of which now have dementia. My grandfather at age 95 always did crosswords and puzzles throughout his old age and he just in the past few months has been “losing it” a bit but has a wonderful retention of the long term past. My grandmother, on the hand, never read or did puzzles and she has had memory problems much much sooner and to a greater degree. So seeing this, I have concluded to exercise my brain as much as possible, ie play bridge, review calculus, read new material. If we are still blogging by then, I will let you know how it works out for me. For now, I write nothing down, no lists, but yes, I forget stuff at the store all the time.
The research seems to support your personal experience, Joely, especially where things like doing crossword puzzles, reading, and learning new information are concerned. My parents are both avid bridge players, my dad is a voracious reader, and my mom loves Suduko; I hope that bodes well for their memory retention well into their old age.
I must write a grocery list (but this is partly for budgetary concerns as well). I write a to-do list for the same reason as you. Though I still read pretty frequently, my retention is way less than it used to be. Every book I read now, I have to take notes otherwise I’ll forget. Dementia doesn’t seem to run in my family, but I tell ya, I worry about myself sometimes!
You make an interesting point, Alisha, about reading and memory. I tend to have a better memory for novels than for non-fiction books – unless I read non-fiction with a pen in hand, underlining and/or taking notes in the margins. I wonder if there is some neuroscientific connection between the act of writing (or even just highlighting) and committing things to memory.
Any neuroscientists out there in blogland?
I hardly ever write anything down. No shopping lists, packing lists, nothing. The rare time that I do, I don’t usually bother looking at it.
I do have a good memory (though, it seems to be fading with age or motherhood, or both). Like you, I remember the details of friends of friends, which gets me those stalker-y looks too. I always throw in the ‘yes, we met’ before someone can introduce me to someone else who has surely forgotten me.
“I always throw in the ‘yes, we met’ before someone can introduce me to someone else who has surely forgotten me.”
That’s a pet peeve of mine, too: when someone I’ve met and actually had a conversation with says “Oh, nice to meet you.” But I guess that’s not really fair; maybe I’m just not very memorable. ;)
Memory is muscle…I like that however, mine is no longer well toned, it’s gotten flabby with the rest of my body. I like your perspective in this post. I knew to start exercising…my mind right along with my body!
Give me any song from the mid-late 80′s and I will most likely be able to sing right along. Yet I sometimes can’t remember what happened yesterday.
I seem to have a really good memory for emotional narrative, less so for where I left my lists, much less what’s on them.
Sometimes when a client feels that their head is a rush of a million things I invite them to just say them all out loud… and it turns out to be but a few thoughts going like a train around a circular track.
I like this Zen idea about one focus. If yoga is binding body, mind and spirit to a singular focus, there Zen meets Yoga.
If our intention is to love, then we bind mind to heart, which is itself an intriguing muscle (one with literal neurons in there—a true “heart mind”)
With our blogging perhaps we write toward each other, toward clarity and presence, toward the singularity of being spirit alive within body, within this world which is all worlds—windy as my words, but abundant like the Kroger :)
Totally agree that writing things down is a way of clearing your mind. If I have a million things on my to-do list but don’t write them down, I am repeating them over and over in my head, constantly saying to myself, what is that thing I have to do?
By making a list, I clear that space to focus on the moment, or any given task at hand.
“By making a list, I clear that space to focus on the moment.”
Thanks for visiting, and for summing up in one sentence exactly what I hope to do by writing lists.
Oh, Kristen, I ADORE the way you think.
I too rely on to-do lists, and it is similar to why you do-I find my brain so full of everything that the list totally helps me focus. I go from top to bottom, task to task, not allowing myself to move on without finishing the one above.
Without lists, I would be an A.D.D. riddled hot mess. :)
Whenever I read your blog, I never fail to think, “God, this woman is so smart.”
I love the Zen one thing list.
I also love the fact that, despite all the multi-tasking we have to do, we moms tend to have pretty terrific memories for the things that really matter.
Thank you, Launa. What a lovely thing to say.
I would totally use lists, if I could just remember to make them…
I love my grocery list, which I organize by food type and location in the store. Produce first, frozen goods last.
My list-making starts and ends there. And on shorter trips, I don’t bother. I can’t really count the scribbled reminders I make in little notebooks or on the backs of receipts, because I never remember to bring them with me!
I just downloaded a master grocery list that wildly appeals to my left-brained nature!
I, too, am a list maker and note taker. I write things down and while that certainly helps with remembering them, it actually helps me commit the details to memory.
That way, when I do lose that list, or if there is a spectacular Internet failure (God forbid) and my blog disappears into the ether, I think I will still be able to trace the lines of the memories in my head, just by putting them down into words first.
I love lists. I like everyday lists. What I am not good at are the Big Picture Lists like what I want to accomplish in this life. I know it abstractly, but haven’t written it down.
I think we write things because we want to. Even if we know we are going to remember it, we write it down. That’s what writers do. We write.
Yes, I suppose we do, don’t we?
Like you, Rudri, I am not so good at the Big Picture lists. I try them out every once in awhile, but they don’t work for me.
By writing lists I make my memory: if I try to remember everything without having written it, I’m guaranteed to forget most of it. However, if I’ve written a list and then forget it, I remember most if not all of it. There’s a reality to the muscle memory with that.
It’s why I make my students create vocabulary logs. It’s not ONLY because I’m evil and sadistic.
As a former high school history teacher, I know exactly what you mean. When my kids were studying for map quizzes, I used to provide lots of blank maps so they could physically practice writing in the location of the countries and cities.
Thanks for stopping by Motherese, Teacher Mommy!
This is so true, your memory is a muscle. I really like that description. It can be exercised and improved. Just like our resilience, our temper, our willpower. The more we practice, the better we get at something.
I need to write something down to remember it. I took copious lecture notes in college. And sometimes I would rewrite as part of my studying for finals. Pretty amazing how that seems to knit something into my mind.
I did that exact thing, Eva, when studying for exams. I would take notes on my notes. My friends thought I was crazy, but it worked every time.
The similarities just keep on coming, don’t they? :)
I did something similar — making a study guide from my notes (the Cliffs Notes to my notes), reorganizing things to suit how I knew the test might be (if essay questions, then web-like groupings of information to explain/support; if short answer/IDs, then terms and definitions).
But do I remember much of the information now? Noooooo …
Gotta chime in — I did the exact same thing, too.
As an English teacher, I know that I encourage my students to make lists of the characters inside the covers of their books. It makes for an easy reference and it frees up their minds to enjoy, analyze, experience the finer nuances of each text.
I love lists! I also love rewriting them when my first becomes too messy and overworked. But then again, I love organizing myself and my life. I find the act of organization so satisfying.
I, too, freak people out with the things I remember. Names of friends’ friends and how they know each other, even though I’ve met them maybe once, if at all. I remember what people tell me about themselves.
But things on lists — I wouldn’t have been as successful if my grocery list had blown away! I’m sure I’d have gotten some of the items, but certainly I’d have left something behind. Similar to you, I make lists so that I can forget the mundane and focus on more important memories. Didn’t realize that until I read your spot-on explanation here :)
I am a list person. You and I must be of similar minds. I agree – a list clears my mind and helps me focus (and prioritize) everything I need to do. And, I am a note-taker because the act of writing something down seems to fuse it to my mind.
However, I do NOT consider myself to have a good memory. I forget everything. I attribute that to simply NOT paying attention. I need to be more “in the moment” and not thinking about 10 different things simultaneously.
Like you I have a great memory. I can still see pages of notes from Anatomy in college in my head on certain subjects. I became a list maker in college, when it was clear I needed to be more organized than in HS to get by. Lists make me feel less frazzled and also make me feel like I can let worrying about that item go because it’s written down. I’ve never thought of it having to do with memory before. Interesting.
my muscle must be shrinking. gotta have a list or i forget why i went in the first place. i of course always end up with more than i came for.
Making lists frees me from the natural chaos of life (or some of it anyway).
We have a list of items we take camping and I honestly don’t think we’d get out the door without it.
There’s not much I can remember without writing it down first. Even when I was younger, I had to write my way through things if I hoped to commit them to memory.
I totally have the three-thoughts-circling problem. Once I write them down, I no longer have to work so hard on not forgetting them — which means I feel calmer and more capable.
Wow, I’m so impressed that you remembered everything. I once managed to delete my grocery list on my iPod) half way through shopping. I totally panicked. Then took calm, cleansing breaths, and remember to get everything that I needed. And a few extra things of course.
Oh, yes, I should have added that a few extra things did make their way into the cart, most of them involving chocolate and/or salt. :)
I have “to do” lists and always, always a shopping list and you are so very right in my view, making these lists does free the mind to focus on more important things.
Thanks for visiting Motherese, Aging Mommy!
I have a horrible memory and I am a frantic list maker. I get nervous without a list, and if I entered the grocery store without one, we would likely be eating spaghetti and jarred sauce for the rest of that week.
I’m not sure if my list-making is a cause of my faulty memory or a result of it, but it would be hard to give up…although the “one thing” idea sounds so niiiice.
The One Thing idea does sound good, as does the kind of life in which one has no other demands that prevent her from focusing on that One Thing. Something tells me my kids would be less into my One Thing idea than I would be.
Thanks for stopping by, Country-Fried Mama!
I find that I have a great memory for thing that INTEREST me. People things. Birthdays, names, faces, what people were wearing when I met them, where they went to school, what they like, etc… But “things” like grocery list items, packing list items, where I put things, doctors appointments… forget it. If I don’t write it down, it’s gone forever. So I don’t know how the theory applies there because I really do have a great memory but only for certain interesting things…
And now you’re reminding me that I forgot dog food at the grocery store, AGAIN. Poor dog.
I have an excellent memory for most things, but sometimes the thoughts just slip away.
For example I had an extremely witty remark to make about this post. It was insightful, erudite and interesting. The problem is that I can’t remember what it was anymore. Rats.
I live for lists, but then again, I also have a terrible memory, so I think I prove your husband right! Whoops!
The “One Thing” guy never had to buy groceries toting four kids and a migraine.
Amen! (Or even two and a toothache.)
Writing lists helps cleanse your mind, I think. I am not a huge list-maker. I keep mental lists, but every once in a while, when I just write down the things on my mind, I feel so much freer. So I don’t think you should feel bad about your lists. I do think you’re freeing your head for more important things. Blog topics, perhaps!
Oh, you better believe I’ve got a list of those!
Surprise surprise, I share the good people/faces/names and song lyrics memory :) (My mom used to hate being in the car w/ me because I knew the songs in a second and would change the radio station constantly…)
But for everything else, I need a list. And it’s just gotten worse since I’ve had kids. There’s so much to keep in our brains, no matter how good our memory muscle is toned there’s just so much…
I find that having lists gives me direction, especially when there are a thousand other things and people vying for my attention.
It also gives me a sense of completion, to cross off items done, items purchased. It also helps my two older boys practice organization, reading and occupied in something productive versus fighting with each other at the store. ;)
I like this idea that lists free your mind of the minutiae so you can focus on the more important things–like faces, names, and biographical information.
I have a hard time with names and faces but I can cite details from a person’s life with frightening accuracy. I am all too familiar with those “looks of confusion or stalker-ly fear.”
When I am actively engaged, I can remember research statistics and findings, quotes from books, and the background behind art pieces and literary works. I find, though, that when I am not seeking out books of learning and wisdom, that knowledge I had worked hard to gain slowly disappears. So, for me, its use it or lose it.
Definitely a list person. Truly, without the list in my hand I won’t bother stopping at the grocery store. And my husband, who’s got a few IQ points on me, is the exact same way!
Ooooo. Good one.
Memory is definitely a muscle – and I do everything I can to work it and stretch it. Lists help – but I even challenge myself to do without them, often, to keep that memory muscle working.
Lovely to be back! (And pondering chocolate cake.)
Ooh, chocolate cake. I think I could get away with that. It’s Saturday after all… :)
My memory is both phenomenal and maddening. It’s photographic in the sense that I never forget a face, was perfect for exams at school and I’m brilliant with names and remembering facts about people.
But.
I’m a nightmare when it comes to remembering why I’m in town, or what day the bin-men come, and for some reason I don’t remember birthdays at all, or what chores my wife has asked me to do that day.
Maybe I should use lists.
Hi Mo – Thanks for stopping by Motherese.
I think your tendency to forget things like trash pick-up day and chores your wife has asked you to do coupled with your ability to remember personal and scholarly information fit the trend I’m seeing here of our brains honing in on the stuff that feels important to us, while letting the other things go. The second category of things you mention is exactly the kind of thing I write down otherwise I think it’s very likely I’d forget them.
All Hail the List! I’m so in love with lists, I write them all the time. I’m sure it’s partially because I’m Type-A and it makes me feel in control, but also because I love the satisfaction of crossing things off. Great post, Kristen!
Writing things down and making lists was something I did and took for granted that I could do. Now, I don’t have a choice. So yes, I have to agree with Husband…Memory is a muscle that can be exercised.
A great post, Kristen.
I NEVER rely on my memory. I suspect you and I are very similar in this way. I keep tons of lists, and I agree that it frees my mind up so that I don’t have to keep track of all those niggling details. (I don’t know if you know your Myers-Briggs type, but you are undoubtedly a “J”). My husband, on the other hand, never writes anything down — and seems to remember everything he needs to (except when he doesn’t).
I didn’t know my Myers-Briggs type until just now (with a few extra minutes this lazy Saturday afternoon, I found an online quiz and took it) – and you are absolutely right: I’m a J (79.31% J, in fact). I’m not sure how much stock I place in these assessments, but this particular one seems to have me pegged!
Kristen, you can’t be sure about the online versions, but the Myers-Briggs is the most widely-used assessment of normal personalities (I’m assuming you’re “normal” here!). We use it a lot in career settings, and if you take the assessment from a qualified administrator, the results can be astounding! If I had to guess your type, I’d guess you are an INFJ. Am I close?
You’re very, very close. I am INTJ, but with 51% T and 49% F. Wow, you must be a career counselor or something! :)
INTJs are some of the people I get along best with in this world :) They were always my favorite clients. I secretly dream of being an NT. These are the sorts of dreams career counselors have, you know ;)
I have never made a list. I HATE lists. They feel so mundane. Who cares if I forget the darn milk.
I think instinctively I wake up every morning and think of one thing I’m going to do-and I try and do it with vigor. Even if it’s the laundry.
My husband, who loved your post, writes lists. He gives me lists. I lose his lists. He doesn’t know I lose them. Even if I don’t lose them, I don’t ever look at them. EVER.
We are a perfect couple! The list maker and the fly-by-her-pants gal.
Hi, I’m Terry’s husband, and I had to respond to your post. I think that you are an amazing writer, your images are so crisp. Also, your post resonated with me, as I too make lists, not so much to remember (although that is helpful–but if I ever really forgot to get something is that such a big deal?) but so that I can give myself permission to focus my attention on the big things that really make a difference in my life, whether it is my wife, my work or my family. Making a list helps me to be more present in each and every moment because I am not worrying about some trivial matter. Then again, I might be doing it because my grandfather developed Alzheimer’s at 50 years of age and I am almost three years past that. Am I trying to trick myself to cover up the nascent signs of Alzheimers? I can’t remember.
Wow, Terry and Tom, I don’t think I’ve ever had a husband/wife comment duo before, so thank you both for taking the time to respond to my post!
Tom, thank you for your kind words and for offering a connection between list-making and the desire to live in the moment. I like to think that that is true of me, too – as long as I’m not too busy tuning out while adding yet another item to my lists!
By the way, my husband, while not a huge list maker, is a bit of a control freak, so while, in your case, opposites attracted, in ours, we must have been so fond of ourselves that we ended up marrying our personality twin!
I felt like I was reading about myself here. I do think I have a great memory, and yet I am a huge lister. I often write lists and lose them or never look at them again, but the act of writing it helps me clear my head of the errands eating away at me and to open up space for the more important stuff.
I recently read a blog in which the writer says she writes down her worries and puts them in a drawer. That the act of writing them down says to her, ok they are important, they are dealt with, but they are put away. I kind of loved that.
Also I think that writing things down and memory are intertwined. We have to think about something more when we write it down, it becomes etched in our brains.
Hi Rachel – The idea of writing down worries and then filing them away really tempts me. My lists tend to be about mundane details, but I find the process of clearing my mind of them to be therapeutic. So maybe a different type of therapy would come from writing down my anxieties, of which I have more than a few!
Thanks for this food for thought!
I am list-obsessed, and i agree 100%: making the lists helps me free my mind. Once I write it down, I can usually record it to memory, without trying. (Once, I lost a grocery list. I am embarrassed to say I made Hubby drive around the parking lot so I could look for it. I did not find it. Not one of my grandest moments. i think I was postpartum…)
There you go again, describing a moment in YOUR life that seems to come straight out of MY life. Lost lists. List lust. And the ability to remember everything that was on the list even though it was halfway across the country by the time you left Kroger’s.
I love lists. It is the only way I get things done. So I guess mine is a product of laziness AND forgetfullness. If my grocery list blew away, I would have to write a new one or come back later to get all the stuff I forgot.
I love lists. Like you, I find it helpful to push things (groceries, tasks, ideas) onto paper and out of my head. Even better if I can do it on the back of a used envelope.
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