Welcome to the final week of our book club for Christine Carter’s Raising Happiness!
Whether or not you are reading along with us, please enjoy this overview of the final chapter by Katy Keim of BookSnob and then jump on into the discussion.
And stay tuned for our upcoming Q&A session with Christine Carter!
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This week we are discussing the 10th and final chapter of Christine Carter’s book, Raising Happiness. I will end with the beginning in mind—you may recall that when I introduced the book, I had just heard Christine speak. At that event, she had asked the audience which of the topics they wanted to discuss—the growth mindset, perfectionism, dinnertime rituals, etc.
Even though our audience didn’t choose dinnertime, she wanted to tackle this topic anyway. It was that important to her and she definitely felt it was one of the best times in your week to practice many of the habits you learn in Chapters 1-9.
Chapter 10: That’s One Big Important Dinner.
Christine points out how conclusive the research is about the benefits of family meals—kids that eat dinner with their families are “more emotionally stable and less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. They get better grades. They have fewer depressive symptoms…”
And here’s the kicker. By eating together, she means five nights per week. This isn’t a part-time effort.
In her mind, it is the perfect time to come together and practice some of the things you have learned in the book. For those of you following along, here’s the review:
1. Put on your own oxygen mask first.
2. Build a village.
3. Expect effort, not perfection.
4. Chose gratitude, forgiveness, and optimism.
5. Raise their emotional intelligence.
6. Form happiness habits.
7. Teach self-discipline.
8. Enjoy the present moment.
9. Rig their environment for happiness.
10. Eat dinner together.
And my favorite line of the book is when Christine mentions you can try nine of these habits during a 20 minute meal; the thought of it makes her laugh out loud. She wraps up her book with a positive view on how to make it all work, but with the self-awareness of just how hard it is to accomplish. I liked that.
Chapter 10 A-ha Moment: 3 years ago I had my twins at their annual check up at their physician. He had been a very laid back guy on almost every issue I had dealt with over the years, but at this particular physical he asked: “How many nights a week do you eat dinner together as a family?”
I don’t mean to make excuses, but the kids were still very young (aka a nightmare to eat a meal with), my husband and I were both working demanding jobs and the thought of getting commutes on track to make it all happen at a reasonable hour frankly seemed undoable.
I replied sheepishly: “Two?” Maybe that was generous. My cheeks flushed. I felt ashamed.
His entire demeanor changed. He said: “Starting immediately, every night I want you to have dinner together. Have the babysitter give them a huge snack, but every night you sit down to dinner as a family once you get home.” When I may have laughed nervously, he punctuated it all with “I am serious.”
His admonishment set us in motion and we have made it an evening ritual ever since—besides the obvious date nights out or business trips or other of life’s scheduling conflicts.
It was painful to switch gears from work to dinner preparation and to juggle hungry kids with stressed parents, but it is one habit we have really made stick. I am hoping it is one of the many memories our kids will have when they think of us all making the meal, gathering around the table and sharing our day.
While I am thankful for my doctor creating urgency to making this a family habit, I am even more thankful to Christine for showing me why it was so important.
Questions for Discussion:
1. What are your family’s dinnertime rituals? Do the kids help prepare the meal or clean up?
2. Which of the nine learnings do you think you will incorporate most frequently and easily into your evening meal?
3. If you had to share the one biggest takeaway you had from the book, what would it be?
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I have always said dinnertime together is of utmost importance. Something I so desperately want here. I had dinner together with my family growing up 6-7 nights a week and I DO remember it being special time together. Honestly it’s just NOT possible for my kids. My husband gets home at 8:00, past their bedtime. So I eat dinner with them, or at least sit with them as they eat and try to make it a special time for conversation. But without the whole family, it’s definitely missing something. I have a feeling I’m not alone in this…. Just not sure what to do about it!
Hi Becca – In Raising Happiness, Christine suggests that, to her, “eating dinner together” means that “kids regularly eat dinner with at least one adult five nights a week or more.” I totally hear you that having dinner without your husband feels like something’s missing, but, in this recipe at least, Christine suggests that your kids are getting huge benefits from eating just with you.
We try. But the trying is kind of half-assed, I think. This put a fire under me to try harder. (Thank you) :)
We do some shift eating over here too often, and it seems like I’m always the one who can’t just SIT and relax and eat and talk. I always love it when I do, but I usually am juggling three other things while making sure everyone eats. ugh…
I DO notice a difference when we connect over food. There’s something spiritual about gathering around the table over food, focusing on each other, and I want to do it more.
Like I said, thank you for the reminder :)
We recently made dinner together more of a priority (meaning… we get Fynn to sit at the table and eat his two yogurts while we’re eating rather than whenever he demands… haha!)
We eat later than I’d like, because my husband doesn’t get home until after 6. But we hold off, and then enjoy talking about what we did that day. Fynn loves telling his daddy about his adventures, and Paige is starting to do the same thing. It’s such a great family bond building exercise. We go around and say our favorite thing of the day (eventually that’ll change to what we’re thankful for… baby steps…) and just sit. Occasionally we’ll all still be sitting for minutes after we’re done eating, which is incredible :)
I loved how she summed up everything with the dinner bit. It really does show how a little thing like dinner can make a huge impact in our lives.
We always considered dinner to be like grand rounds–you can miss an occasional one, but if the poobahs notice that you’ve missed too many, you are in deep doodoo.
Dinner is the teaching rounds of childhood. Not to be missed.
I’m always amazed by how many families don’t eat dinner together. Especially when the teen years come and schedules are crazy. But then it’s even more important. We just adjusted it around everyone’s schedules each night, some nights eating early, some later. Their friends would stay for dinner if they were here and they’d be so excited for a family meal. Now it’s mostly just me and the 15 year old and some nights we do eat in front of The Daily Show on DVR, but we stop whatever we’re doing and eat together.
Well, having John Stewart as a dinner guest provides bonding on a whole ‘nother (yet valuable) level, I think. =>
We always eat dinner as a family. Hubby and I informally alternate cooking dinner. On the weekends we like to cook together. The boys alternate weeks of kitchen duty that invovles setting the table and clean-up afterwards. These past few weeks have been hectic with school activities and we’ve only eaten together a couple of times. I’ve noticed the difference in the kids behavior and have made a point of eating dinner as a family on the weekend for this is usually the time when we discuss issues. Even though I see the direct results I’m still amazed by the effect of dinner as a family.
Family dinners are very important to me but with a toddler who needs to eat at 5:30 and goes to bed at 7pm, and a partner that comes home right around her bedtime, I’m at a loss as to how I can incorporate spending time with her in the small two-hour window we actually get together and making dinner and eating together – all before her bedtime! We do eat together on weekends, when it’s easier for us to not have to rush around trying to be in sync with the rhythms of the day.
I think once she’s slightly older (meaning, 8pm bedtime rather than 7) it may be easier to eat together then. I hate having to delay this all-important ritual, one that I believe in so strongly, but I just don’t see it working for us right now.
My husband also has a crazy work schedule. We try for one family meal a week, which sounds pathetic. However, we eat breakfast together every morning. That’s our compromise, and it works for us.
I think that was a happy moment for me in the book, when she said that it didn’t necessarily have to be dinner you ate together–it was just the time together and the conversation that mattered. I heaved a huge sigh of relief with that!
Meant to clarify: we try for one family DINNER a week, not meal. :)
I really liked this chapter. My house growing up had a lot of problems–anxiety, stress, a single-parent, etc. But we always, always had dinner together. Reading this chapter, I felt like I had some insight into what has helped me to stay grounded in my own adult life. That dinner every night was a chance to talk about my day, my friends, anything I was thinking about. I felt connected to my family.
For a while, we put my son to bed before we ate, because he went to bed so early and there was no real chance to eat as a family. But now we eat as a family, and I can tell that he enjoys listening to our conversation and getting some time to talk on his own.
An a-ha moment for me was that she relayed advice from a nutritionist–parents decide when and what the family eats, kids decide how much and whether they eat it. This was helpful to me since we are struggling with getting my son to eat anything but chicken nuggets. We have also started talking about what makes us grateful before we eat, and if we forget, my three-year-old reminds us. It shows me how important it is to him.
This was a great book! My kids are still very young, but I think it’s worth owning and returning to as they grow.
I had that same A-ha moment, Jana! I highlighted it and put stars next to it. (For those of you who aren’t reading along, Christine quotes nutritionist and psychologist Ellyn Satter: “The parent is responsible for the what, when and where of feeding, and the child is responsible for the how much and whether of eating.”)
Family dinner is important to us, too, but we probably only pull it off four of seven nights each week. At least two nights a week, Jon is working out of town, and on those nights my sister-in-law and I generally make dinner together. We let the kids take over the table while we hover to make they eat their food and display at least a modicum of table manners.
But it’s something we try very hard to do, and though we can’t do family dinner EVERY night, we do a lot of other meals. It’s common for us to have a big Saturday morning breakfast or to sit around eating homemade pizza for lunch on a Sunday. I try to keep in mind the spirit of the idea (togetherness, ritual, time to talk and connect) rather than the letter (that it HAS to happen at dinner time).
BTW, thanks for introducing me to Christine Carter’s book! Definitely seems like something I should check out.
We eat dinner together pretty much every night of the week. There are exceptions, but not many. Hubs and I eat lunch together and Hubs and our oldest eat breakfast together — almost every day of the week. We do lots of family eating!
I know that it may not be possible to continue this trend into the kids’ teenagerhood, but we’ll try. I have no recollection of family meals growing up … I don’t want that for my children.
Ugh, this scares me. IEP is only 17 months and my husband and I don’t eat dinner until after he goes to bed. At some point this will need to change, but I don’t know how/when we’ll make the switch.
When I was a kid we ate dinner as a family every night. And it’s one of my most cherished memories. It’s something I want to do with my own family, but I don’t think I ever recognized how big an endeavor it is…
Growing up we always ate dinner as a family. It wasn’t a question. But I am sad to say that it is harder for me to make happen now.
In part because I work crazy hours and sometimes I am not home or simply unavailable to eat with my kids.
But I might make a point of ensuring that Friday night dinner happens every week. The kids have come to rely upon it and expect to get their blessing then.
I also believe dinner time together is very important. But when my kids were young, their dad was away, a great deal, and it was the three of us most of the time.
By the time they were 8 and 9 and we were going through separation and divorce, I tried to have family dinners as much as possible. But by middle school, carrying the full solo parenting load with two kids and work, there was no way.
And since? Also no way.
I think the reality of many single parent (especially solo parent) households is exhaustion. Cumulative, over the years. Dinner together and crazy schedules? 5 nights a week? Not possible on my planet. If we manage 3, possibly 4, I’m thrilled.
My mother always stressed a group dinnertime.
We can learn many wise things from our elders!
What made me feel good was what Carter said: “as long as there is one adult sitting down and eating with the kids, it works.” My husband gets home very late, too, and I have been worried about our lack of family dinners. But being reminded that even my eating dinner with my son is a family dinner reassured me.
I, too, also liked being reminded that it is the parent’s job to provide the food and set the time and place, while it is the child’s job to eat the food. I had just read another article about feeding children and was reminded of the same lesson: it is our job to provide a nutritious meal and it is the child’s job to eat it. This has helped to make dinner times more pleasant for both me and my son. And in some weird way, he has become a better eater.
I wish I had been part of the book club. All this seems so interesting. I just went to the market to buy Kyle is favorite dinner–it’s his 17th birthday.
I am reflective today about my mistakes and my successes.
To sit together as a family every night for dinner sounds wonderful. We do it most nights but there is usually a distraction–like TV!
Stay tuned, Terry! The announcement of our next book club pick is coming up soon!
There are many, many things that I don’t do well as a mother, and I spend a lot of time feeling guilt and beating myself up about them, but from the moment was my oldest son could sit in a high chair we had dinner together as a family. It’s one thing I’m good at. This is not to say that dinners are never a struggle, trust me, this hour is ripe with them. But we have persevered, and now as a family of four we sit down together to eat every night of the week. Sometimes we are just three if one parent has an obligations, but always we are a family of some kind. It’s my number one rule, my number one priority. It doesn’t come from any knowledge of the important affect it has on my children (though I’m happy to know that it does), but rather from the positive example set by my parents. Family dinner’s together were a must in our family, until the day I movd out. We still get together often as an extended family to enjoy meals together. It just feels right. It’s the one time in our busy lives that we can all focus on each other. And I say this without judgement, because I understand it can be hard, but to me it’s the one really easy thing to do as a parent.
I can’t speak highly enough about how I enjoyed this book. It spoke me on a very profound level. I’m already planning to read it again. I think I must have been ripe for the knowledge, understanding, tool-kits that she offers, but either way, I am blown away by how it offers perspective for me as a parent but also as an individual. I’m really grateful to have had the opportunity to read. I could just keep on discussing it. Thanks Kristen for hosting this fantastic book club. I’m already excited for our next selection.
We make it a priority to eat together every night as a family. We’re fortunate that my husband has a short commute and a reasonable workload and can be home at a regular time with few exceptions. Sometimes he even makes it home with time to be the chef!
That said, mealtime is a struggle for us, not the “joyful” experience in the book. We’re still struggling through children who won’t eat what’s been prepared, who will play and throw food, who fight for their independence with every bite (or lack thereof). As we sit down here shortly for another meal, I think I will focus on “expecting effort, not perfection.” And “teaching self-discipline,” oh, yes!
I certainly think that food is one of the great pleasures of life, and when I cook I try consciously to put love into the food. Still, I think that eating together correlates with good things happening in a family, but it’s the attitude of being a family, sharing, loving and taking true interest in each other that may bring the desired results. I’m not saying that eating together isn’t a good idea, we embrace this and generally wait until we’ll all there to eat, but there are people who are on planes all the time, who work impossible hours, etc. (not to mention single parents who cannot materialize a loving partner to be there to round out the Norman Rockwell thing—and I appreciate how BigLittleWolf spoke to this in her comment), thus I would add in that kids need to know that they are part of a group, even if it’s a single parent and a single kid, they need to be made to feel that family dinner feeling (but there are probably many ways to give a kid that feeling, from music, to sport, to caring for pets, to doing art, to going to the movies, to reading together, to traveling).
It’s not that these aren’t good ideas, my point is that there are many ways, and plenty of people have eaten together in icy misery and NOT gotten the gains that the family dinner promises while other people grew up in all sorts of different configurations, but if love and warmth and acceptance were present they just might carry that good feeling we’re all trying to cultivate, instill and live.
The next challenge is to find some equivalent for all us families to break bread together toward a much wider sense of identity and family that has yet to fully pulse to life in our current culture.
Thanks again Kristen for hosting. I hope you do it again.
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