It turns out that my typical middle American suburban cul de sac isn’t so typical after all. You see, the kids on my street play.
We had the snowiest winter on record, but that didn’t stop them from heading outside after school to engage in snowball fights or the more genteel snow angel creation and snow fort engineering.
Now that spring has sprung, gangly gangs of girls and boys bike up and down the street. They play on the swing-set in one family’s backyard. They decorate the street with sidewalk chalk. They play hopscotch and jump rope. They tromp around the brushy woods behind our houses, mapping out conquests against imaginary forces.
One of them got a kite stuck in a tree.
It’s nice. It’s quaint. It’s what I did as a kid. It’s probably some version of what you did as a kid.
But, apparently, the unstructured, child-directed play that these kids engage in so happily is becoming increasingly rare in our culture.
My kids are still so young that I have yet to experience the all-out activity assault that I know is waiting around the bend. Little League. Peewee soccer. Suzuki violin. Swimming lessons. Movement class. Music class. Art class. Boy Scouts. Not to mention the lures of the Wii, Facebook, and texting.
And maybe my town – or at least my street – is somewhat immune to the trend of structured activities and time spent in front of computer screens replacing free play in the lives of our kids. But we’d be the exception. According to Christine Carter in Raising Happiness, our kids have lost eight hours a week of unstructured play time over the past 20 years.
And that is a big problem. In addition to the obvious and immediate benefits of play – like, say, it’s fun and it helps them “blow off steam and get a little physical exercise” – the far-reaching benefits of free play are tremendous:
- play fosters creativity and imagination
- free play helps kids learn to self-regulate their behavior
- child-led play helps kids learn how to get along with others and improves their social skills
- play enhances kids’ ability to be empathetic
- kids who engage in free play tend to have higher emotional intelligence
- the improved social skills and emotional intelligence that come from play correlate to better performance in school
And play comes naturally to kids. The decrease in the time that they spend doing it isn’t their fault. It’s ours.
For all of our talk about mindfulness and being present, we adults not only seem to have forgotten how to live in the moment in our own lives, but we’re planning our kids’ childhoods right out from under them.
So what do we do? The good news is that the answer is both free and easy!
Some tips from Christine Carter:
- beware of sacrificing free play to academic preschools and structured sports
- don’t correct your kids when they are playing
- make sure your kids have plenty of time each day for pretend play
- “Don’t play with your kids in ways that bore you”
- encourage the use of “symbolic props” rather than “prefab toys”
Free and easy, that is, if you’re willing to be part of the vanguard reclaiming the lost art of play for our kids.
What is you favorite way to play? Have you seen evidence of the loss of unstructured play time in your own life?
Image: A Day with the Kids by Juan23 via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
I love that you chose to focus on this to continue the discussion this week. It’s the one part of the book that I actually think my husband and I are already doing a pretty good job of, and I must admit, it feels good to know we are on track. Like you, our children are still young, so maybe it will change, but I think we have a healthy perspective on activity. Like Carter says, there is a balance to be had. I think for lots of kids it’s tipping the wrong way, and I hope we can keep it on a more even keel in our own lives. The irony is, I think our perspective comes from our own reluctance to be so programmed, because if our kids are programmed and in many activities, that kind of means we are too, right? We work five days a week, commute a combined 20 hours a week, thought of adding to an already crazy, on-the-road schedule is not one we relish. But at the same time, we like the simplicity of being free to spend our time together as we wish, without too many obligations. There are enough that we have to do without choice, so to choose to add many more is not an option.
This summer we’ve decided not to plan any “family” trips, we’re going to spend our weekends and evenings just doing what ever we feel like doing. Whether it be a Saturday at the beach or park, a play date with friends, or perhaps a day road trip to somewhere fun, I think it will take off some of the pressure.
We talked about putting our oldest in soccer to help him burn off some of his energy this summer, and then we quickly changed our minds. He’s only 4, there’s lots fo time. What the rush? We don’t expect him to be a super start and we dont’ buy into the argument that you have to start them young if you want them to fit in. So, for now, we keep it simple.
You make such an interesting point, Christine, about the ways in which the choice to over-program our kids ends up over-programming our own lives as well. I suppose there’s a connection between scheduling away our kids’ lives and the contemporary pressures on parents to be perfect, to give their kids everything, to justify the choice to stay at home (where applicable – and here I’m indicting myself) by keeping just as “busy” as we were when we were working – when, really, what works best for them is time to be kids. It sounds like a call to follow kids’ examples rather than always leading the way.
Like Christine, I watch my daughter take her frog to “school” and make him a lunch of make-believe pasta cookies (yummy?), and I feel like I’m doing something right. Then, I watch her at a friend’s house gravitate to the Nickelodeon computer games or the television dance machine, and I feel like I’m depriving her of something. It’s a tough, tough balancing act, and these chapters are a good reminder to resist what society has currently deemed “the norm” for children’s play.
This is something so dear to my heart. I have insistently refused to let my children be over-programmed. I let Grace pick one activity a week and this past winter she told me she’d rather not even do that one, but would rather come home and read or play. Okay by me. In fact it was a hugely proud moment.
Still, I wonder if I am somehow holding them back from developing some much needed skills (I fail to see how karate, for example, is a needed life skill, but perhaps swimming is [they do know how to swim, just not elegantly]!?). I wonder if my dogged commitment to this belief is out of sync with modern reality. I don’t know.
We also have a single TV in our household and no Wii, etc. The children spend their weekend days at the playground. Kicking soccer balls. I feel so old-fashioned as to be either pathetic or quaint. But I believe it SO STRONGLY.
(I am jealous of your cul-de-sac)!
Lindsey, your question about finding the balance between preserving an unprogrammed childhood and holding our kids back is one I have too – and one I hope to pose to Christine Carter when she joins us for a Q&A. Where is the tipping point, I wonder, between too much encouragement and too little?
Please bring the kids and come visit my cul de sac anytime. Grace and Whit would love it, and you and I could be quaint together. :)
I’m so glad that this issue is getting some attention. Given IEP is only one and the rest of our kids are still on the drawing board I’m hopeful that I’ll be raising my family after the era of overprogramming. And even if it is still going on around me, I’ll take heart knowing that there are other parents out there of my same mind.
As a kid I did all the things you describe seeing in your neighborhood. I hope to foster a similar environment for my own kids.
My 18-month old is at a daycare that does not believe in a structured environment other than meal and snack times. They play all day with anything and everything. And then I have friends with kids in daycares that provide music time, alphabet time, story time – every hour dedicated to a lesson or activity. And I feel a little guilty that my daughter is not in a more mentally stimulating environment.
Her vocabulary is expanding with each day, and she is starting to become a sponge, and I feel like I’m depriving her of the challenge she needs and her desire to know more. But then again, I remind myself that she is only 18 months old. She will have the rest of her life to absorb, to compete, to challenge and be challenged. Right now, she should just play her little heart out – which is also an important aspect of learning. If not now then when else?
Justine, Christine Carter devotes an entire section to the benefits of preschools and childcare centers that focus on play rather than “academic” activities. I sometimes wonder if kids will get what they need out of their environment regardless of what we provide for them (e.g. somehow turning alphabet worksheets into a form of play), but it seems like we’re rigging the game in their favor if we open their early experiences up to free play.
I love listening to my son do pretend play. It is so fun and often hilarious, like a few weeks ago when he started yelling OH NO!! And I said: what? He replied: My feet are floating away. And we watched them and I tried to catch them (don’t worry. we got them back)
And our neighborhood is more like yours but not as much as I would like. (although I think that it will be more and more so as my kids get older. )
Good for you and your cul-de-sac!
Alex, I’m very relieved to hear about the apprehension of your son’s runaway feet!
Hooray for you, sister! I am adamant that the girls be in ONE lesson/activity at a time. That’s it. Period. It annoys Miss D. to no end, but there’s no way I’m hauling her to some activity every afternoon and weekend.
Our neighbors? The exact opposite. Their girls are currently enrolled in Spanish, Suzuki violin, swimming, soccer and skiing lessons. Thank goodness ski season is almost over–those poor kids! They do, however, have a nanny who takes them to most of those activities, which I think is why they’re in so many.
Do you think your neighbors’ kids would be allowed to pursue activities that don’t start with the letter “S”? Maybe there’s some sort of undiagnosed “S” compulsion going on there…
I think your street is more common than people realize. Our street in NJ was just that way. It’s the biggest thing my kids missed moving here where it’s more rural.
The really lovely thing about neighborhood play is that the ages mix. My 12 year old son would join in a game with 8 year olds. When he was 4 and first ventured out (no crossing the street, me anxiously perched at the window), he was welcomed into games with 6 and 8 year olds. Ok, they made him be the robber and chase them, but he loved it. There was always one older kid watching out, moms behind windows. Sure there are conflicts and the occasional bullying, but on home turf it’s more controlled and a nice way to work some of these conflicts out in a more secure setting than school. I always had a computer time limit because my son would get what we called “computer eyes.” And we never turned the TV on till after dinner and homework. Great discussion Kristen, as always!
Don’t play with the kids in activities that bore you?
That leaves out 99% of the stuff little ones do.
I always kept a crossword in my lap. That way, the kids could do their thing, and I wasn’t bored out of my mind.
But I agree–don’t overschedule your kids. There’s a mom advantage here: if your kids have no schedule, neither do you.
I doubt I’ll overschedule my kids since my schedule when I go back to work will be so erratic. But I do worry that my daughter will be missing out on things, including social interaction, if everyone else’s kids are doing it. Just like although I have not made any effort to teach her the alphabet, when I see other 2 year olds that know it, I wonder if I should have. It’s hard to know if you’re doing the right thing when everyone else is doing something else!
“It’s hard to know if you’re doing the right thing when everyone else is doing something else!”
Amen to that. You just nailed the crux of the issue. It’s all fine and well if we believe that free play is the way to go, but with whom will the kids play if everyone else is at dance class?
I will say, though, that I’m heartened by the number of people here who seem to suggest that the tide is turning back toward fewer scheduled activities, however anecdotal our evidence may be.
Yes, we adults need unstructured play too! (Thanks to Patty at Why Not Start Now? for teaching me this important lesson.) We need unstructured time, period. No agenda, no to-do list, no shoulds. Just do what feels good. I think it’s related to flow, that feeling you get when you’re completely immersed in what you’re doing, losing track of time in a perfectly delightful way.
For me, play is about being in the yard, being outside. Sometimes it’s playing with the dog, sometimes just sitting and soaking in the wind and sun, sometimes putzing around my flower beds and vegetable garden – which is a chore, but doesn’t feel like it for me.
I’m smiling at your comment, Eva, because Christine Carter discusses the idea of “flow” in the same chapter as she discusses the importance of play. Apparently – and not surprisingly – kids are naturals at “flow” while some of us adults (like me) have gotten out of the habit of it.
I’m wondering there aren’t ANY commenters that have the opposing view! I mean here WE all are, on our computers and saying we are opposed to this for our kids. Maybe those who have different views are afraid to admit it?
I feel like I’m in the minority when it comes to how my kids “play”… I force them outside and encourage pretend play relentlessly. We have daily puppet shows with sock puppets, build forts with pillows, and somehow this week Hannah has started to pretend she’s a pilot and Luke is her second in “come man”. I wonder how long it can last as they enter “real” school and they start seeing how the other kids live with Game Boys, Wii and other computer games in hand. I probably will not allow play dates if I know that is all they’re doing at their friends house but how realistic is that?
I am all about PLAY time. It’s how I grew up and how I plan for my kids to enjoy their childhoods. Luke has no scheduled activities outside of school and Hannah has one during the week and one on the weekend. I’m trying to get her to try a bunch of activities now, when she’s young, so that she can get a feel for what she likes and wants to continue with. But, I have to say, the majority of her time is spent drawing, reading, and using her imagination. There’s no better skill to learn than that. And if I’m not WITH modern times because of my beliefs, I’m ok with that.
Okay, okay, I’ll do it. Feel free to judge! ;-)
My son is 12, so he is pretty much over “playing” (besides sports).
My daughter is 5. She looks up to her brother. She is a bright little girl who is full of imagination. She loves to tell stories, play with her dolls, make crafts, and play outside with her friends. She also likes…. watching tv and playing on the computer!!! And yes, I am “that mom” who allows her child to have a tv in her room. So what if she wants to watch “Imagination Movers” while she plays barbies in her room before bathtime? So what if she wants to play a game on “Nick Jr” or some other site? She has to ask before doing either one, and we limit the time spent on both, so I really don’t mind. I don’t feel guilty about it because I believe there is a healthy balance. Okay, maybe she knows a bit more than she needs to, like what “OMG” and “LOL” mean, but she hears them from her big brother and I think it’s cute! :-)
As a mom whose toddler knows the name of just about every character on Nick Jr., I shall certainly not be the one to throw stones! :) And I don’t feel guilty about it either. As you said, we’re all going for the healthy balance, which is going to be different from family to family and from kid to kid.
Thank you Shannon for your honesty! Healthy balance… absolutely. My kids definitely watch their share of TV since they get up so damn early and there’s no way I’m entertaining anyone at that godly hour. But, I am trying to limit the computer time and “gadget” time in their younger years because I am afraid that it will be inevitable as they get older. I KNOW that Luke will be more into the electronics than hannah because the younger always follows what the older is allowed to do. But since I’D rather be outside than inside, I’m hoping the kids will follow suit.
And there’s nothing WRONG with all you’ve described, it’s just what feels right to US and what we’re most comfortable with as parents.
Wonderful post! And such a great reminder. With so much scheduled for kids these days, I try to make sure they have several days of ‘nothing’ after school every week, and I’m sure even that’s not enough. Without free play, how will they hone their imaginations and learn how to create fun? And we all need to know the skill of creating and imagining. Thank you for focusing on this today!
My street is just like yours…I live on a cul de sac…the kids played just like that until well after puberty ,and then peer pressure and society took over…enter texting and technology. But still, even at their ages (early twenties) they still think nothing of going across the street to one of the schools and playing lacrosse or football, or the park for paint ball, or even running or biking…or even the one I love – yard work!
If I can get my boys to play like the kids on my street until well after puberty, I’ll take it – especially if yard work is the next logical step. :)
I am a huge proponent of “free play” for as long as possible. DISMAL, isn’t it – that we need to even designate a term for this, in childhood? Doesn’t that in itself speak volumes?
I restricted academic and extracurricular activities for both my sons for many years. And I’ve never regretted it. There’s plenty of time – at their initiative (showing interest) for one, perhaps two areas to pursue, as they get older. When they take the reins and request more (middle school, high school), the balance shifts.
But we need our kids to be kids. For as long as possible.
“DISMAL, isn’t it – that we need to even designate a term for this, in childhood? Doesn’t that in itself speak volumes?”
Indeed it does – my very thought yesterday while writing this and trying to come up with various synonyms for what used to be so obvious.
We intentionally sent our kids to a preschool that didn’t have an academic focus. I wanted them to learn how to socialize and get along with others. Plenty of time for them to learn how to read, write and all of the other stuff.
They have had all sorts of afterschool activities ranging from Krav Maga, to cooking to gymnastics. It has been good.
I do wish that they played outside more, but that isn’t always an option. But they have had a ton of time to be kids and though they don’t have my childhood they have a good one.
School changes things. It becomes harder to manage certain things. They are exposed to so much. We forget that a third grader can have a sibling in junior/high school. Things trickle down.
My son knows all sorts of stuff that surprises me, but the trickle down happens. Not necessarily a bad thing.
Video games aren’t always a bad thing either. All depends on how they are used. And don’t forget that in some cases not having it creates other issues.
“[T]hough they don’t have my childhood they have a good one.”
Another important reminder: there are many models for “a good childhood.” Thanks, Jack.
I’m all about throwing the kids outside for some good ole fashioned unstructured play (except for that time I lost them in the woods…oops). I just got the spring farm league baseball schedule and I cringed. Even though most of the games are in the evening when we would just be eating and getting ready for bed (we try to limit unstructured play at the dinner and putting on your pajama time, but not very successfully), it feels like such a pain to HAVE to be somewhere (firstborn does love his baseball though…and I plan on avoiding T-ball with the other two for as long as possible). Personally, for play, I like to go on a long hike by myself, swim in a lake, play with pretty fabric or yarn, or lie in the hammock with a book (that’s unstructured, right?)
Ah, the overscheduling thing. I swore I would never do it. (One thing I have learned as a mom…never say never.) And I think I’m pretty good at cutting things out. But I have found that like most things in life, you can’t make a blanket statement about scheduling. For instance, my older daughter does not have a crazy schedule, because that is how she wants it. She would rather be at home, reading, or playing pretend (still does that, and she’s in the 3rd grade). Fine by me! However, my younger daughter is the complete opposite and wants to do everything. She begs for gymnastics and dance, soccer, etc, etc. I have actually had to cut her off and she is annoyed by it. I guess you have to go by the cues you get from each child, and how the child’s schedule is affecting your daily quality of life. (She does all of this on top of playing with the neighborhood kids. The girl never gets tired. I’m so jealous.)
On another note…the “not correcting your child while playing.” Yikes. That is SO hard for me. I will work on that…
I’m chuckling to myself, Gibby, because I remember reading your post yesterday and commenting about how I’m trying to remember as a parent never to say never – and now here I am over here making grand plans. :)
I think this statement, especially, is such an important reminder to me to keep in mind as my kids get older: “I guess you have to go by the cues you get from each child, and how the child’s schedule is affecting your daily quality of life.”
Parenting is a dance, isn’t it? And all we can do is our best, day to day and kid to kid, trying to figure out what they want and what they need and preserving some semblance of sanity in the meantime.
My kids are master creators. They live in their imaginations. They dig in dirt. They create art out of everything. They loll around the house playing under blankets and pillows. We have bins and closets full of toys that they NEVER EVER PLAY WITH. I love this about them. It is messy. And loud. And completely impossible to anticipate. But I love that we are able–so far–to give them the time they so love of unstructured existence. Lessons are in our future, but I’m not hurrying any of us into them.
(Oh, and we live in one of THOSE neighborhoods, too. Our street is the one where all the neighborhood kids come to ride their bikes. LOVE it. But I’m sad that it’s kind of old-fashioned and rare. All kids should have the opportunity.)
You are so lucky to be living on such a street. For you and for your kids.
There is a wonderful documentary called The Race to Nowhere. In it, the producers scream, make sure your kids have enough time to play.
Childhood goes so quickly. And so much of fun time is structured fun time. Clubs, teams, lessons. Their is something so wonderful in endless hours of unrestricted play.
I’m glad you see this already. You’re kids will be the better for all our mistakes.
Thanks, Terry, for another interesting-sounding movie recommendation. You’re becoming my go-to gal for when the Netflix queue gets low!
I agree; people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. I know the afternoon line up on Nick Jr. like the back of my hand.
However, there is plenty of imaginary play going on in our house. A lot of dress up and story lines borrowed from Harry Potter and Calvin and Hobbes, lots of building with Legos, so I don’t feel too bad when the TV does come on.
The really funny thing is that we finally let Santa bring a Wii two years ago, and they rarely have a hankering to play with it…They enjoy the mess and creativity so much more!
i am also lucky enough to live on a cul-de-sac where kids still play. everyone’s yard and toys are fair game and i love it ;)
That’s another thing I really like about our neighborhood, Michelle: the idea that there aren’t really any borders. The kids go from one yard to the next in a respectful, but carefree way.
So jealous of cul-de-sac living. I’d love nothing more than to send my kids into the fun fray while sipping a beer with the neighborhood Mamas while mildly supervising.
We roam. We roam our yard, the neighborhood, the woods, our local riverbank. On foot, on bikes, scooters and strollers. We stop to check out dead snakes, shiny curbside flotsam, blooming dandelions and strange dogs.
I love these days.
Play is like breathing, if we don’t choke it play will show up. So, if the play is the thing, I’m wondering if the world is just a stage that we parents are going through…
“[I]f the play is the thing, I’m wondering if the world is just a stage that we parents are going through.”
Perfect.
How lucky for you that your neighborhood has a real life to it, Kristen! You’re going to see Big Boy just run off to join in when he decides he’s one of the kids and not a baby anymore.
All my best memories of childhood are about the magical streets of Skokie and all the kids playing up and down each one. In Arizona we have gravel yards and such horrible heat that outdoor life is limited. I also think that when there are too many school choices, the neighborhood kids never get to know each other and I’m as guilty of that as the next.
And Christine Carter is right – kids learn through playing!
I am a big fan of free play and your neighborhood sounds heavenly. Luckily my kids have each other to play with as there are few other kids around where we live.
I love 2 things especially: “Don’t play in ways that bore you,” and “don’t play with pre-fab toys”.
I remember the day I felt I had permission to say, “I don’t like hotwheels crashing into things,” and got out my old jacks set and ball and my son and I hooted and hollered as he learned to play.
I had plenty of tea parties as I pretended to eat glass drops. They were delicious little drops of color for my eyes and made what might have been a boring tea party more fun for me who loves sorting the colored cookies.
Count me as another one who allows only one structured activity at a time, and that’s only when the activity occurs on the weekend. We do not disrupt the school week with activity. Instead, we send him out to play with the neighbors or we do a family activity together.
Summers are much different. He participates in day camps, sleepaway camp, art classes, cooking classes, and baseball. Not all at once, of course. ;) However, his summer activities take the place of school and keep him engaged, which in turn makes his home-time more valuable. It seems to be a good balance for us right now.
I sometimes feel guilty that I don’t have him in more activities, but I’ve decided that when he’s older and ASKS for an activity, we’ll re-evaluate. So far that hasn’t happened.
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