Welcome to the third week of our book club for Christine Carter’s Raising Happiness!
Whether or not you are reading along with us, please enjoy this overview of Chapters 7-9 by Katy Keim of BookSnob and then jump on into the discussion.
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Chapter 7: Control Your Impulses.
In this chapter, Carter tells us there are two types of control, the external type of rules and the internal type of self-discipline. On the latter, we are governed by the “go” system (the response system from birth, which guards against fear and is essentially our impulsivity) and the “know” system that we develop through childhood and that help us with self-control. Those kids that have a better developed “know system”, who can essentially delay gratification and show greater self-control, are generally happier.
But if Christine points this fact out to us, I must admit, I didn’t find the tips to strengthen kids’ self-discipline to be as practically applicable as I would have liked. They seemed a little squishy to me. The one exception is that Christine mentions that martial arts, dance, music, and storytelling are types of activities that are good for self-discipline. Kids have to hold complex information in their minds and must stay focused while participating in it. That’s practicing self-discipline.
Chapter 7 A-ha Moment: Carter cites that parents say no 50% less than the last generation. I know my Midwestern parents would agree with that statistic!! When I was growing up, there were many things we didn’t do just because we were told not to. Carter gives us permission to go back to being a more authoritative parent. As long as it can be done kindly and consistently, setting limits with our kids shows them what is in bounds and out of bounds. It is basically like laying out a roadmap toward self-control.
Chapter 8: Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?
Are you listening Mom? If Chapter 3 about perfectionism really spoke to me, so did Chapter 8 about mindfulness. How often can I hear my kids in a seemingly distant voice saying, “Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?” trying to bring me back to the current moment. “Sorry, honey, I was worrying about tomorrow’s field trip or agonizing over yesterday’s meeting.” In this chapter, Christine gives us tips on being present through mindfulness, play, and savoring.
Drink this chapter in.
Lots of great stuff in here.
While I myself have tried some beginning meditation, trying it with my kids sounds slightly torturous. But my daughter’s first grade teacher starts school every day with a mindful meditation. They love it because they pay attention to their mood, calm themselves and prepare themselves for their day. Wow, sounds reasonable.
But Carter also talks about living in the moment with our kids in a less new agey way by simply calling out the moment and naming it. “Wow, this baseball game is so exciting, I am loving it” or “I wish this ice cream cone would last all afternoon.” These are ways we can say to our kids that we are fully present in the moment.
In fact, Carter takes this a step further in talking about “savoring” a moment—such as when we recall jokes in a movie or look at photos or retell stories about our vacation. We are extending the presence of a happy moment by making its effect more lasting.
This weekend, I sat on a porch with an old friend in Seattle and we were howling laughing at pictures of our pre-husband, pre-children life: bad bridesmaid dresses, bad haircuts, and bad boyfriends. Her kids watched us guffaw loudly. While we were having a riot ourselves (and I am sure making ourselves happier by recalling outrageously fun times), who knew we were modeling to her kids how to savor a moment?
Chapter 8 A-ha Moment: The section that caught my eye here was about why play is so beneficial to happiness. Carter talks a great deal on why this is important to kids, because play is the ultimate example of living in the moment. This all made sense. But the A-ha struck when I thought about play time. And I am not just talking about a pedicure or time with girlfriends. When was the last time you had real playfulness?
I think as we grow into “responsible adults,” playfulness becomes scarce. But a goofy, playful moment can be a real happiness spike. At Thanksgiving last year, the parents at our school played the first graders in kickball. It was hard to see who was having more fun. The reality is that when we are fully engaged in something playful, we have no space for worries or depression. Tonight when I got home I raced my kids–them on their bikes, me perilously perched on a Razor scooter. It felt great. I am bringing more of that mojo on.
Chapter 9: Control Our Kids’ Environment. It’s a paradox.
Carter explores different situations and whether or not environmental factors affect a child’s happiness. The bottom line is: yes, they do, to some degree.
But the more important point she makes in Chapter 9 is that, even if we can better control an environment for happiness, it is not necessarily a great idea to do so.
Beyond safety and a positive atmosphere (and whew, less TV people, because clearly the research is not showing any real benefits there!), our generation of parents is doing far too much to help our kids be in a “happy environment.” We talk to teachers, we ease them away from difficult friends, we lessen disappointments, and we prevent pain.
Christine reminds us that when we make everything okay for our kids, we deprive them of their chance to see what they are made of. They don’t get a chance “to develop their grit.” I liked that word and I thought that was a parenting philosophy I could get behind: I am raising kids with grit.
Grit is very closely related to resilience. Kids will learn how to cope with difficulties, understand they are capable of overcoming challenges and help them to realize that they are in control.
Chapter 9 A-ha Moment: No matter what I read about childcare, it used to cause a lot of stress. Nannies, preschools, how much is too much? What is the best approach? As a two-job family, these decisions have always seemed very loaded. I didn’t enjoy reading this piece as much, because you know what? There isn’t a perfect happiness answer on this front. I don’t want to hear the science on this. I want my husband and I to make the best choice we can and then stop ruminating over it.
Next week, we will be wrapping up our discussion of Raising Happiness with the final Chapter 10 as well as a Q&A session with the author. While you ponder responses to the topics below, please also note any questions you would love to pose to Christine directly. See you next week.
Questions for Discussion:
1. What A-ha moments, if any, did you have in Chapters 7-9?
2. Do you set enough boundaries and limits with your kids? Can you say no?
3. How do you remain present with your kids—are you playful, savoring, mindful?
4. How are you thinking about raising kids with grit?
5. What specific questions do you have for Christine Carter, the author?
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
A long time ago while in college, I studied for early childhood education. I learned that boys tend to behave better with clear cut rules. They tend to play games with set rules rather than the more abstract imaginative play that girls engage in. Plus all children need to know where the boundaries are located. They will test the boundaries just to make sure if you (the adult) sticks to them.
I suppose the above was ever present in my mind as I set off on the course of parenting first one then two little boys. I made sure that the rules and boundaries were in place and well known. But also, I encouraged imaginative play because that’s what I remember enjoying so much as a child.
My a-ha moment while reading Chapters 7-9??? Wow! I did something right and it actually worked! I also wondered if I would have approached parenting if I had girls instead.
I know, that feeling of doing something right feels good. If only it lasts through the teen years. I also wonder if or how my parenting would be different if I had boys. I know something would be different. I remember growing up and never seeing my brother and father “cuddle”. I associated the hugs and kisses with being a girl. Weird how that happens. I always wonder if I would be less lovey with a boy because of what I grew up with.
There are some interesting observations here.
A few of my own:
If parents are saying “no” 50% less, I would suggest that divorce statistics and pace of current lifestyle has a great deal to do with it.
Saying “yes” to certain things is the only way to survive; I believe parents still retain their “no” for the most critical items.
I like the idea of “naming” a moment/feeling – This game is exciting! – rather than the nebulous (and potentially onerous) concept of “being present.”
This also provides vocabulary for emotions, and models of expressing them – good or bad.
I still believe in making as emotionally stable and safe a home environment for kids – at any age. The real world (beyond our control) will dish them out plenty of adversity, and they’ll also get themselves in trouble. From that, they earn their grit.
Interesting as always!
I agree completely with the comment that her tips to strengthen kids’ self-discipline weren’t as practical as I hoped for when I started the chapter. I am NOT good a delaying gratification and I can easily see how I’ll instill this quality in my children. But I do agree that consistency is key and sometimes the hardest thing to do when it comes to disciplining my children. She says “It isn’t enough to make rules: we also need to enforce them.” Amen to that! As my oldest son gets older I realize even more the importance of such a simple approach. Stay consistent so that he learns, understands and knows what to expect. It’s easier on all of us.
However, even though I believe this, my aha moment in this chapter came when she said it’s always okay to rethink your request when you meet a lot of resistance. I’ve found myself saying no in the past and then once I have realizing that I didn’t actually have a good reason for saying no. I always believed it was better to see it through, I’m grateful that she pointed all the reasons why it’s okay to change your mind sometimes too.
Chapter 8 was definitely my favourite of this week’s reading too. I have much to learn on the art of meditation and I really want to take the time to integrate it into our family. I think my husband will be a bit of a hurdle, but I’m encouraging him to read this book so hopefully he’ll understand why.
My aha moment came early in this chapter, it was when she wrote: “Ironically I felt relief from the madness of my busy life when reading happiness studies and writing about raising happy kids.” As fellow bloggers, I’m sure you can relate to this. Of course!! Finding my center amidst the chaos. She’s provided me with some concrete direction to find strategies for coping with the chaos and to be deeply happy, centred and part of my children’s lives at the same time. There have been so many learning points for me throughout the book, but this above all, is relevant for me now. I’m steeped in the overwhelming and I’m losing sight of what’s important, even having trouble finding time to figure it all out. I can’t wait to get practicing, I think it will be a fun journey for myself, but also to share with my husband and children. I already see the possibilities!
Hi Christine – I shared your sense of relief when Christine gives us permission to rethink a request that’s meeting resistance. I especially appreciated her distinction between being authoritative and authoritarian. Sometimes I find myself wondering why Big Boy seems to ignore my requests so often (did I do that to my parents?) and then we find ourselves spinning in a cycle of me becoming increasingly authoritarian and him becoming increasingly resistant. But, since reading that chapter, I’ve been trying to focus on being authoritative when things are non-negotiable and less authoritarian once I’ve realized that things are going nowhere fast. Of course I just want him to do what I say just because I’ve said it, but this section of the book has made me think about the reasons why that doesn’t seem to be working.
I had two aha moments in these chapters:
1. Authority: I wonder if I am too hard, alot. It feels like many of my friends are much less strict. They will even comment, your kids are good, why are you so hard on them. I guess I have come to this conclusion: they are good because there are taught self discipline. I never thought of it like that. I was beginning to question my toughness. My kids make their own lunch, make there own bed, change the sheets, separate luandry, make meals sometimes, the list goes on. I think they are happy after reading this chapter because they have pride in their own discipline. I like that. I know I take great pride in accomplishing soemthing difficult. Do not get me wrong, I like when some things are easy sometimes, but it is the things that are difficult, and I accomplish, that makes me happy in the end. It also reminded of me of the how in the Army, my favorite cadre were the ones who pushed me the hardest. They allowed me to find that part of me I did not know I had. A good drill sergeant is unforgettable. Authority is a good thing as long as you know when to pull back.
2. Meditation
I do this alot so I was glad to read about it. Mine is a bit “old fashioned” but it works. I have always used the rosary. It is my safe place. I have taught it to my kids and when they get stressed or are feeling lost I have taught them to go to that. Or to simply pray. It is a comfort to them to have a prayer already written out and now they just seem to go with it on their own. I think many of the religious traditions we grew up with can be a great comfort. I know I reject alot of the dogma I grew up with but I do think there is much good in the basic tenants, and my children find that comforting.
Wow, Joely, thanks so much for sharing these two great points.
I was reading an article this weekend about happiness (wish I could remember where so I could cite it) and the author concluded that happiness does not come from money or beauty or some of the things so many people strive for; rather it comes from setting goals and reaching them. I think your first point really speaks to that idea – and it sounds like your kids are getting some good basic training (pun intended :)) in self-discipline in order to set and reach goals and attain happiness themselves.
As to your second point, I couldn’t agree with you more about the importance and comfort of ritual. In the final chapter of the book, Christine talks about how having dinner together as a family can take on the quality of a ritual and the important happiness benefits that come with it.
Thanks again for your insights!
Finally, my book arrived! I whipped through the whole thing this weekend.
In chapter 7, the big message I took away was the message to be firm but gentle. Sometimes, anticipating resistance, I will be overly stern when telling my children “no” or re-inforcing the rules. Her advice to “exude warmth” was a big eye-opener for me. I’m always afraid that if I soft-pedal it with my kids, they won’t listen to me. I’m going to try adding more warmth to our lives.
In chapter 8, the one item that had me sitting, mouth agape, was her advice not to play with your children in ways that bore you. WHAA? I have permission not to play CandyLand? Get out!!
And while I DO understand her reasoning for this– if you play stuff you think is boring, you tend to check out rather than be truly present with your child–I kind of question the feasibility of this.
If my kid really wants to play CandyLand? I sort of know I’m going to end up playing it. I would MUCH rather do just about anything than play CandyLand, but I do it for her. And then hope that soon we can rock out to ABBA Gold while I make dinner, which is my idea of fun.
I remember reading similar advice with a bit of a twist in a post at The Happiest Mom. Meagan wrote about choosing to forgo dreaded organized activities with your kids.
I’ve decided to try it out this summer: I’m not doing Mommy-and-Me swimming lessons with Big Boy. We did them last summer – six weeks after Tiny Baby was born, mind you. He hated them. I hated them. It was a big hate fest. So I’m giving myself permission to skip them this year.
But I suppose there’s a difference between saying no to something that neither of us enjoys and saying no to something our kid loves. Hmm…maybe this will be a question we ask Christine next week.
I’ve definitely had to take this book in small sips (both as a time factor and because otherwise if I read it straight through, I’d toss it aside, forget everything and go back to being Mama Crabbypants. However, I like these little previews of what to expect in future chapters. I am sooo not playful (one of the benefits of having twins is they ask Mom to play with them less often than singletons)…the thought of being silly and having fun with my kids makes me very anxious. Maybe I should skip ahead to that chapter!
In that same chapter, I think, Christine gives us permission not to play with our kids in ways that make us feel anxious – so, yeah, maybe you should. :)
I haven’t gotten to this chapter yet but hope to soon! (I keep rereading parts so it’s taking me a long time!). I just want to jump in and say that on the vacation that I just took with tim (alone without kids) we bought these little mini lacrosse sticks and ball to play on the beach. We were AWFUL at it (with the wind and awkwardness of the short sticks if I can have an excuse!) but we LAUGHED and LAUGHED at the ridiculousness of diving for balls and falling in the waves. I truly felt like I was 10 again. I don’t remember having that much fun or PLAYING so hard in forever. And I was 100% HAPPY. I wish my kids had been there to see it… to see that mom and dad can have fun too and how healthy it can be.
That sounds like a perfect example of mindfulness through play, Becca. I hope you brought those lacrosse sticks home with you!
I wanted to expand on the idea of practicality in some of her advice. I like her ideas, and I think Carter and I (and the research) are on the same page about how to make kids happy (so much is instinctual, isn’t it?), but I really related to her stories about trying to get her kids to do something and them not listening. My son does not want to get dressed. EVER. It’s a hassle every morning. She has the same issue with her daughter putting her shoes on, apparently. Her mornings of trying to get out of the house really resonated with me. So I tried to apply her techniques. I asked Mr. B, “Why don’t you want to get dressed?” He said he wanted to watch the show (which he was watching while I showered). I said, “Okay, how about we get dressed when the show is over?” I thought Carter would approve. But the show was over and a tantrum ensued. An example she used was her daughter not wanting to brush her teeth. There was a reason–she was scared of the darkness. When Carter did it with her, they had success. I did not have this success. Perhaps my son is too young (three this week) to implement these kind of strategies. But I found the outcome of applying the strategy to be disappointing.
I do think meditating, or at least deep breathing, can be a nice way to calm your kids and be “mindful” together. Over all, I found this chapter to be very yogic, and since I already know that the practice of yoga is very influential in one’s life, I liked this idea.
We have started to talk about gratitude before dinner, and I love doing it. Mr. B’s face lights up when he thinks of something he is grateful for.
The huge thing for me was the reminder to pick your battles. So often halfway through an argument or battle I look at Fynn and I just think “why is this an issue? Why do I need to be the one in control of everything? Does it really matter if he wears the same sweatpants he wore to bed last night to the playground out back where no one cares?” :)
And also the chapter on enjoying the present moment was really good to read. I’ve been reading a lot on staying present, and mindful of emotions and feelings from a recovery stand point, and the same points ring true in parenting. If you can acknowledge whatever you’re going through, look at it a bit objectively, instead of pushing it aside, I know I have a better chance of being ok at the end of the day when everything wells up rather than dealing with each moment as it comes.
As TKW pointed out, the “firm but gentle” message really hit home with me. I was raised with unpredictable, angry discipline. I’m a bit of a wimp with my kids because I’m afraid to turn into my mother. Reminding myself to set realistic boundries, follow through with consequences and detatch emotionally is a constant battle with me. And as Jana brought up, I was reminded of my own yoga practice. My boys (especially my oldest) will often join me for a few minutes. (Usually breaths of fire will set off giggles but it’s the fact that we’re being “mindful” together, right?) Knowing that I was already “doing something right” was a little boost for me.
I love that this section of the book seems to have made so many of us feel like we’re doing something right as parents. What a refreshing change in a parenting book!
What caught my attention here is play—and while I agree that cultivating a playful attitude is useful, I also tend to think of play as kids’ equivalent to work—it is a huge way that they experiment, learn and develop skills that prove foundational for later stages when their contributions to the group become more substantive. In this way kid play is much more serious than grown-up play.
One other thing is that I must say that it makes me a bit sad when totally engaged moms speak of feeling that they “get permission,” to think, feel or do something from a parenting “expert.” I know it’s all with good intention, but I’m so much more a fan of kindred and mutually supportive effort than of hierarchical expertise of any stripe.
Experience has real value, but parenting seems to be a highly instinctual endeavor—even narrating this (“we’re really trying hard to be good parents”) may tend to push us a bit toward our heads when the kick-ball sounds more fun, as does laughing on the porch.
Maybe we need to keep a bit of a playful and nonsensical attitude toward our own thinking. Hoping I don’t sound too snarky, because I so relate to over-thinking, over making life too easy for my kids, feeling like I’m getting it all wrong, etc. etc.
I just come for the company because it seems like such a nice book club (I probably shouldn’t have had that last Chardonay).
I think this is such an important reminder, Bruce, about the dangers of getting too lost in our heads. One of the things I appreciated most about the book is the way in which so much of the advice feels authentic and instinctual, but I’m a sucker for deconstructing and over-analyzing, so in my hands even the simplest suggestion can turn into pages of marching orders. And I suppose it’s an interesting commentary on where we are as a parenting culture that so many of us feel divorced from our instincts – but then there I go again analyzing and deconstructing.