Welcome to the second week of our book club for Christine Carter’s Raising Happiness!
Whether or not you are reading along with us, please enjoy this overview of Chapters 4-6 by Katy Keim of BookSnob and then jump on into the discussion, following the question prompts in the comments section.
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In Chapters 4-6 this week, Raising Happiness moves us into action. Practicing gratitude, growing your kids’ emotional intelligence, and building happiness habits are all things that resonate in my household at the moment. I liked this section of the book a lot. It seemed grounded in practical, actionable advice. The downside? There’s no excuses now…
Chapter 4: Optimism is a Choice.
In Chapter 4, Carter tells us that feeling positive is a choice. She says the science suggests a full 40% of our outlook is determined by our day-to-day thinking rather than genetics or environment. That’s a lot under our control. We need to take the opportunity to replace bad feelings with good ones. This can be done with optimism, gratitude, and forgiving others.
Practicing gratitude is one of my newest habits and something that I have been trying to instill in my own family. In lieu of a religious grace before dinner, everyone around our table mentions one thing they are grateful for in their day. It can be as simple as the chocolate chip cookie or gratitude for their great education. (I am not joking. My son recently said that!)
I also bought this handy book to motivate myself and make my habit easier to practice. I am a sucker for the forced structure—it works for me. I don’t do it every day, but when one of my kids comes into my office, it is a great opportunity to share what I am thankful for. Practicing my own gratitude regularly has helped me to be a lot happier.
Chapter 4 A-ha Moment: Carter gives us an excellent description of a great apology and why forgiveness matters. “Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves.” It never really occurred to me that holding a grudge is hurting me or my kids rather than doing any damage to the other party. If we can let go sooner, we become stronger and happier. Reading this section, I realize I could use some work on my own apologizing and forgiveness before I could teach my kids effectively.
Chapter 5: Negative Emotions Have Their Place.
Carter talks about emotional literacy in this chapter. Simply put, she is asking us to be fully empathetic to what our children are experiencing emotionally, help them to describe and label their emotions, and then help them as “coaches” to move through them.
She gives us a dose of reality by stating the obvious: life is filled with disappointment and other negative feelings. Our job as parents isn’t to shield our children from these emotions, but to teach them how to identify them and then work through them. This helps them to become more resilient knowing they can overcome more challenging times.
Managing negative emotions well helps us to get back to positive emotions faster.
Thank God I read this chapter before a recently canceled family vacation. It was a God-send. Because the intensity of my children’s emotions cause me stress sometimes, I am prone to make my kids laugh or to downplay a situation or to insist they not over-dramatize something. I realize reading Christine’s chapter that validating how they feel is critically important.
When we told the kids that we weren’t going to Mexico, I simply said: “Mom & Dad are really disappointed.” But gave them a lot of space to talk about why they were disappointed or angry or frustrated. There were a lot of tears. But they also were able to contribute to a big sheet of paper on our fridge that had in big sharpie across the top: PLAN B. Here they deposited ideas like Six Flags, eat doughnuts, stay in our PJs all day, and a number of other thoughts. They moved through it quickly. They overcame.
Chapter 5 A-ha Moment: Christine suggests to “Narrate Your Emotions” so that kids can see your range of feelings and how you process them. I think my husband and I often shield our kids from our emotions. This was a good tip on how to model for your children how to identify what you are feeling and express it. It seemed like a far more productive way of responding to my daughter’s: “Mama? You seem frustrated…”
Chapter 6: Practice, Practice, Practice.
Chapter 6 is where the rubber meets the road. If happiness can be learned, well, no surprise, it needs to be practiced. Carter starts to shift us to the driver’s seat in Chapter 6.
She tackles the issue of rewards with children. For the short-term, they are good for getting children to do an unpleasant and boring tasks. But in the long-term, the only really lasting reward is intrinsic motivation.
So simply put, we need to reward our kids with the satisfaction and happiness they feel from changing a habit or doing something well. And, of course, that is easier said than done.
Carter makes this a little less daunting by breaking our new habits into big goals and little “turtle steps.” This section is worth a read and one that we tried when we were trying to get my daughter to sleep through the night more. (Yes, at 7, we have been having loads and loads of wake ups.) Our turtle steps were things like: No scary books before bed, at least 15 minutes of wind-down time before bed, and wearing pajamas that weren’t too hot.
Chapter 6 A-ha Moment: I have always heard that a good habit takes 21 days to form. Carter tells us we should expect more like 5-6 months to effectively change a habit. So I guess we all better get set our expectations correctly! It’s hard work to change a habit, and if you are interested in Carter’s worksheet to help you on your way, you can get it here Download it from the Habits link.
Questions for discussion:
1. What A-ha moments, if any, did you have in Chapters 4-6?
2. How do you get your kids to deliver a sincere apology and practice forgiveness?
3. How do you help coach your children through different feelings, particularly negative ones?
4. What’s the one habit or routine you would change in your family?
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Chapter 4 is the one chapter so far that I didn’t feel as connected to. Much of it didn’t resonate for me, and I’m not sure why. Though this line “positive emotions are in large part skills and habits that we teach our children” was my aha moment. I know it to be true, but I’m not sure how well I’m teaching it to my children.
One thing I can say for sure is that I think there is a subtle balance between forgiving (which as she says, is often more for ourselves and not the other person) and recognizing when it’s okay to cut a person out of our life. I’ve faced this in my own life, had to make the heart-wrenching decision to end a relationship because of conflict and know that it was absolutely the right thing to do for me. That said, I’m raising boys and I think boys are better at managing conflict than girls, so I’ll be interested to see how this all plays out as they grow up. I think I’ll need to go back and read it again.
Chapter 5 was a very significant chapter for me this week. Partially because my oldest son is a very emotional child, and partially because, well, he gets that from me. I feel things intensely, and I am seeing that he does too. How to manage that, help guide him through it, is a big challenge for me. I was really struck by the whole idea of providing the tools to help my children cope with negative emotions. Yes, I want to be able to do this. I want to be the kind of parent they feel comfortable coming to to discuss anything. I’m grateful that Carter has given me some of ideas on how to get there.
She says: “Emotionally literate kids can recognize, interpret, and respond constructively to their own feelings and those of others.” That seems so sophisticated, I wish I had had the tools to be able to do so when I was growing up and even now as an adult. I think this is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children, because emotions are the part of us we typically don’t share, the part that we can keep us on course, or completely derail us.
My aha moment in this chapter was about making myself “emotionally available” to my children. I am absolutely the parent who gets lost in my own worries and though I may be shaking my head when they talk, I’m not actually listening, engaging and validating. When things are really going wild at home, that’s when I tend to stop and listen and focus on the feelings behind the tantrum, but I now realize how important it is to be able to do that more frequently in seemingly random moments througout the day. I’ve realized that there maybe important opportunities I’m missing to “emotion-coach.” I’m going to be looking for those more now.
We do practice gratitude in our home. Every night before bed we ask our son about the best parts of our day. He’s almost 4, so sometimes he doesn’t remember or just doesn’t want to answer. He’s tired, the day has been full and I recognize that he’s still processing. But we perservere, because we think this will be a good habit in the long run. Plus, I use it as an opportunity to point out all the good things that I saw happen. It’s an opportunity for us to connect.
Dinner time is the routine in our house that I would like to see change, so I read this part eagerly. My kids are too young for the process ERNing she identifies, and I’ll admit when I read it, it did feel a bit complicated. I also qustion the use of X’s on the worksheet. Isn’t this a form of reward? I still have lot’s of thinking to do on this issue.
Though I am loving this book, and yes finding that it’s providing me with some life-altertering realizations, that I hope to practice with my own family. I’ll admit, it sometimes feels like too much. Real life is hard, and we don’t always have time to “stop and smell the roses,” particularly when the learning has to happen for us before we even try to teach our kids. I think this will be a book that I’ll refer to often, and I hope, like she suggests, that slowly habits will change and we’ll just start to live this way “naturally.”
Okay, so now I’m rambling! I wish we could all be together in person to discuss this stuff. It’s really quite overwhelming. So much good stuff to think about.
Christine wrote a great post today on chapter three of Raising Happiness. I encourage you to go check it out. While her focus is on perfectionism, she has lots to say that resonates with our conversation on chapters 4-6.
Thanks, Christine, for keeping the discussion going!
Caveat before I say anything – I’m commenting based on your remarks in the post, and not the book.
Disclaimer before I proceed – I’m going to sound like the Big Bad Wolf when I make these remarks, but, (ahem) bear with me, please.
Your Chapter 4 remark: Optimism is a choice. I do agree with that, but I believe there are times when optimism is virtually impossible unless you live wearing rose-colored glasses, in a perpetual state of denial. I do not think that sort of blind optimism is helpful to our children.
That said, with children, I believe in putting context around both optimism and more negative (read “realistic”) expression of emotions and assessment of thoughts.
If we do not teach our children that stress and distress cloud our positivism and that it is natural to feel these things, I think we’re twisting what is the truest human experience – a journey of ups and downs and in betweens.
This leads me to your summary of Lesson 5, which I agree with heartily. Negative emotions must be expressed – but they can be expressed in positive ways. Allowed to vent, to be consoled, to be heard. And then the deep breath taken, as we go on. (I think that’s the gist behind your canceled vacation thoughts here.)
Chapter 6 – I love the idea of practice at anything that we want – behaviors we want to exhibit, attitudes we wish to hold close, skills we want to develop, habits we wish to make our own. But now for blasphemy in our contemporary pop culture (the French would get this)… I don’t think “happiness” is the be-all-end-all, though I find it ironic that everyone is talking about it and writing about it – particularly women. Which tells me women must be terribly unhappy.
I believe we all wish to have what we are promised in this country: the pursuit of happiness. It is in pursuing our dreams – personal and otherwise – that we feel satisfaction, that we feel good, that we sometimes feel joy. I think we can practice behaviors and attitudes that balance out tough times and get us through them, that help us appreciate what we do have, but I find the notion that “Happiness” is there and waiting a little off the mark. As though it is an end goal we can “achieve” and hang on to, or a destination where once we arrive, we sit, “happily,” and that’s that.
I know I ought to read the book. And it sounds like there are wonderful lessons and reminders in it. But with all the time we’re generating a happiness (pop) culture, couldn’t we be sitting around the table and listening to our kids – taking the silly chatter that makes us feel good along with the inevitable fights and fussing, and know that it is a full life?
And if we are fortunate enough to be healthy, to have family, not too many worries, and joyful moments, that it is – indeed – a full life?
Not trying to be the grinch that stole Christmas. But being very honest about my feelings regarding this happiness/be present business.
If it is helpful to people – great. Perhaps my exposure to another sort of culture (and being older) leads me to a different reality. But a good, full life isn’t about a destination with a bright billboard attached.
Again – many of the lessons seems sound. But I fear that women, legitimately harried, stressed, tired women – are caught up in something that is a pipe dream.
BLW: I love what you wrote about the pursuit of happiness. It rings true – and practical. For me, positive thinking means constructive thinking – which keeps me focused on what I can do to achieve my goals rather than simply hopeful they will be achieved (I am a grammar nerd, but OH the power of the active vs. passive voice).
I don’t think you’re the Grinch who stole Christmas…or even the Big Bad Wolf trying to blow down the house. I appreciate your thoughtful responses to Katy’s review, especially as they relate to the pursuit of happiness. (And what’s a discussion, anyway, if everyone agrees? I have a feeling that you are not alone and hope that your critiques will spark many replies.)
Like you, I am skeptical of the “happiness industry.” Sure, I want to be happy, but I’m still not sure how to define happiness. Moreover, I’m sure my Happiness looks different from your Happiness – so how could one approach work for both of us? What I’ve decided, for me at least, is that happiness is a short-hand for feeling good – and what that means will change day-to-day. Some days feeling good is about being rested; some days it’s about feeling better after an illness; some days it’s about seeing a blue bird at the bird feeder.
And what I get out of this book and others like it is food for thought, some of which I chew slowly and really savor and some of which I spit back out. To continue a thread from the comments section of Amber’s guest post on Friday about parenting books: I am a collector of information and, while I wish I was getting my “A-ha moments” from interactions with other people, I’ll take them where I can get them.
I need to think more, though, about your suggestion that we – women especially, maybe even mothers especially – are making ourselves crazy by adding pressure and more “to-dos” to our agendas. I think that’s okay if we recognize we’re doing it and accept the tasks by choice, but it’s less okay if these suggestions creep in and gain the weight of requirements.
Christine Carter has agreed to participate in our discussion in two weeks. I’ll be interested to see how she responds to some of your points.
Thanks again for your thoughtful feedback, BLW. Constructive criticism is always welcome here.
Wolf, I agree with so many things here. I don’t find your realistic approach to be “grouchy” or the “big bad wolf.” I find it honest and heart felt. Thank you for sharing this!
(And why is it that your comments are often post worthy??)
One last remark. Through the very darkest hours following divorce – and they went on for several years, I told my children this:
These are hard times. We will all have hard times in life. But no matter how difficult this is, both your parents will always love you, and there will always be more joy than pain.
That is what I believe. That is what I told them to hang on to. There will always be more joy than pain. And that, ultimately, may be a stubborn insistence on seeing and feeling joy in very small, but very precious moments when they happen to show up. Not stuff. Not looking for a lifetime answer.
And with children around, or someone you love, or work you can feel good about, or nature, on a glorious spring day – there can be joy.
I hope my sons will live by that teaching.
“Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves.”
This was the biggie for me. I don’t hold a grudge against my ex-husband or my sister. What’s in the past is in the past. Nothing can change that so there’s no use dwelling on it. But that doesn’t mean that I plan on hanging out with either of them anytime in the rest of my life.
I believe that my children have already grasped this concept as well possibly because of the divorce. We all had our angry moments back then. But we discovered that it’s so much easier to live with a light heart after granting forgivness, than it is to live with heavy darkness of hate.
Forgot to sign up for follow-up comments again. Must. Have. Caffeine.
It’s all I can do to catch up with the news right now, so I’ll be catching up with this book later. I’m grateful, though, to read the responses to it here – it’ll serve as an extraordinarily insightful preface, I suppose! I’m hoping that my husband and I can read it together; we’ve been talking a lot lately about how positive thinking is a choice – HAS to be a choice we make as we head into a very busy summer and the last (long) phase of construction on our home. We need to raise happiness in ourselves and in our son.
I started keeping a gratitude journal after September 11 to try to balance my overwhelming grief with the simple joys I knew were in my life and desperately needed to focus on and appreciate more, daily. Reading this summary and the comments, I see how my children experience these same conflicting emotions, perhaps less acutely. They, too, must balance the negative with the positive, somehow reconciling the two and learning to make the “happy” prevail. And, oh , what a job it is to help them get there!
I make my girls apologize to each other by doing this: tell them why you are sorry, what you did wrong, and then I ask them how they could have handled it better next time. I always tell them, that growing up, and continuing on forever, they will have to apologize, because they will always hurt someone’s feelings, whether they intend to or not. I tell them: the most important thing, is to know how to say your sorry. Life is impossible to live perfectly at every moment of every day, but it is being empathetic that will make them better human beings.
I love self help books. I love to hear what others have made of previous situations and how they cope. Everyone is different, but we all have the same goal: to be happy or as Big WOlf said, we want the ability to pursue it.
“Life is impossible to live perfectly at every moment of every day.” You can say that again! I appreciate that you model this idea for your kids and, in doing so, show them how to forgive and how to seek forgiveness.
For me, the jury is still out on self-help books. What I really appreciate about this one is Christine Carter’s realism: she doesn’t paint an unattainable picture and she gives us concrete steps to try out with our own families.
Thank you so much! A lot of wisdom I am walking away with. One at a time. The first one I need to remember is to “describe” our emotions. AND the idea of making your kids contribute to Plan B is simply brilliant!
Optimism
Recently a neighbor had a less than charitable thing to say about someone and my comment was, “Oh, he must have been having a bad day.” My children jumped on this simultaneously with the accusation, “See what we have to live with!”
They were talking about my incessant need (apparently) to come up with excuses for people. They went on to describe how they think I wear a perpetual pair of your famed rose colored glasses. I have always been embarrassed of what seems like naiveté on my part. It’s easier to seem smart when you’re being critical.
I know rose glasses are not in vogue, but as I listened to my children describe me to their friends I decided those glasses weren’t all bad either. “Our mom is always saying, ‘maybe they didn’t get enough breakfast,’ or ‘maybe their mom yelled at them this morning.’” The sweet thing was, while my children were certainly making fun of me, they were telling the story.
My children have good boundaries and, when someone is mean to them, they move on. But I realized while these words were pouring out of their mouths, that being able to see the bright side in life has made an impact.
My children are great at cutting people slack. I’m not about to take the credit for that, they have a father with sunshine for a disposition, but maybe optimism has its place.
Hi Rebecca – Thanks so much for joining the conversation and offering this thoughtful comment.
Your words really resonate with me, a fellow owner of rose-colored glasses. I put them on now less often than I used to and this line of your comment stopped me short: “Its easier to seem smart when youre being critical.” Guilty as charged!
I have a definite sarcastic side and sometimes my sarcasm manifests itself in snide remarks that seem smart but are probably more accurately described as hollowly cynical. Most of the time, I miss my rosier days of optimism and am grateful that I’ve had a life that allows me to be trusting, even if that means I’ve been disappointed more often than I would like.
I like the practice gratitude suggestion. Doing things repeatedly (even in prayers before meals) is a super way to make them a real and useful part of our children’s lives.
Forgive me–I just started the book last night, since I put it on hold at the library. And I started reading before bed, a bad idea, because it was too late for me to comprehend anything mildly intellectual, and because I got sort of angry with her for making me have to think. But reading this summary has made me much more interested in what the book has to offer.
Part of me wonders if any of this can be taught. I don’t read parenting books (except Weissbluth’s sleep book, which I swear by), because I figure I can do this myself. I’m a smart enough person, I am educated and rational (usually), and I can handle difficult situations that arise. I’m probably not as interested in parenting books yet because my kids are small and the emotionally tough times will come later. Then I’ll probably be grabbing books off the shelf.
With regard to kids being happy, I remember something a coworker told me. She was going to a seminar on how to make kids happy, and she asked her eight-year-old son what he thought made kids happy. He said “That’s easy, mom. Happy parents.”
I have always remembered that, and make my own happiness a priority in my household so that my kids will do the same for themselves.
Our kids are about the same ages, Jana, and I think that this particular parenting book will continue to pay dividends as they age. Sort of a reference manual for the happiness hiccups that come along the way.
I think optimism can definitely be learned, and applied in different doses to ANY and ALL situations. Even in the worst situations there are hopeful moments. Ones that you have to look really closely for, but they are there. That’s part of being mindful (which is a later chapter…) but it all goes hand in hand.
We talk at the end of our day about our “favorite” moments, which when Fynn gets a little older will be moments of gratitude, but it’s a start ;) and I have my gratitude journal that I started when I was having trouble with keeping my head above water in my journey with sobriety. It is an amazing thing to look at the good. And sometimes the negative feelings and emotions that we are allowed to have (what an AHHA! We can really be upset and that’s ok?? Loved that on all levels, we talk a lot about our mad feelings in our house) are actually blessings and things to be thankful for.
Again, I’m loving how it’s all tied together. You might not buy into the happiness business, but you can’t deny that some of these lessons are simple life lessons that we all need reminders of, whether we embrace them to be aware of how we feel, or if we embrace them to be happier. Or if it’s one and the same.
I think this is my first book club, and I’m enjoying the discussion and the recaps without actually reading the book (guilty pleasure/non-guilty self-acceptance). I find nothing bad in Wolf’s gloss as a fellow non-reader but always happy to “see” you, and everyone else, at book club (it the social thing that gets me here, since it isn’t the wine on a mid-day Monday).
My favorite take-away is the practice, practice thing. To me it’s the hardest part, but the most effective in facilitating good feelings that last, in our kids and ourselves.
Maybe it’s coming in a future chapter, but E.M. Forester’s notion of “only connect” is something that I think makes the bad feelings more manageable, the forgiveness more possible and the practice a consistent practice (like a yoga “practice”).
Another way to put the importance of practice:
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; for it becomes your destiny. (The Upanishads)
Thanks again for hosting, Kristen, hope we don’t leave too much of a mess :)
I’m still cleaning up a few crumbs here and there, but I don’t mind the mess since so much good conversation is coming with it. :)
One idea in the book that I think addresses Forster’s dictum is Carter’s consistent reminder of the old saying “It takes a village.” She stresses the importance of multiple secure attachments in kids’ lives, whether they come from parents, caregivers, siblings, friends, or teachers. And hopefully those connections help coach kids to understand their feelings and to implement the practice of happiness habits.
Why do I suddenly feel like rereading Howard’s End? (I have that feeling often, actually; it’s one of my favorite books.)
I really appreciated the chapter on optimism. I used to be such an optimistic person, and I feel that I have lost some of that optimism in recent years. I have found that surrounding myself with other positive people really helps me to stay positive. There is so much negativity in this world, and when I am around others who are negative, I feel myself getting sucked into this vortex of negativity and cynicism. I want my son to be a happy fella who faces the world and its challenges with a positive mindset. That’s why I like the “rosy glasses” image a lot. Each night, we “talk” about his day (he is only 2), and his day and I share what made us happy or what we had fun doing. It has become part of our bed-time routine. I think this idea of reminding ourselves that the day consisted of many bright moments is especially important in enjoying our lives. I find the notion of practicing gratitude really important. We have to make it an integral part of our lives for it to really have an effect. Just like I tell my students, we have to practice something often in order to improve. It’s a good lesson for me to remember, too.
I also think it is never too late to learn these lessons. I am watching my sister go through a terrible break-up, and I hear her counselor advise her on many of these issues as she strives to find happiness in her life again. I found one thing that her counselor said really interesting: it’s okay to be angry but we have to act responsibly with our anger. I thought that tied in nicely for Carter’s advice on how to cope with negative emotions.
I still have Chapter 6 to read. I feel like I have finally found a parenting book that I really like and that is really useful!
Amelia, I have always thought of you as an optimistic person, the kind of woman who injects energy and positive thinking into a conversation. Like you, I fear that I am easily influenced by negative energy around me – Carter might say that our “mirror neurons” are functioning correctly, I suppose – so I was grateful for your presence, especially in the competitive, sometimes over-burdened place where we knew each other.
While I am not in the midst of a personal crisis like your sister’s, I too found Carter’s section on resiliency eye-opening. (Stay tuned for my follow-up post on Thursday.)
Can I just say again how fun it is to have you here as part of this conversation? I love being able to contextualize your comments with our in-person relationship – a rare treat for me here in the blog world!
I had my best A-ha moment here, when you were talking about the “gratitude time” you have at mealtime. We started that tradition years ago at Thanksgiving – and would do it from time to time during the rest of the year. But not very often. Usually, my husband will lead grace. But as I was reading YOUR description, I realized just how often the kids actually ASK to say that kind of prayer at mealtime. I never really realized how important it was to them to participate. And you helped me to see that kind of family centered, group recognition is so important to encourage and nurture happiness in the home.
Re: apologies. We don’t encourage a simple, “I’m sorry.” We encourage a few sentences to reveal a sincere apology – “I’m sorry I took your book without asking. That wasn’t very nice and I wouldn’t like that if you did it to me. I’ll ask you next time.”
Wow! What an excellent discussion! I haven’t bought the book yet (procrastinator) but am becoming more and more convinced of its utility! I am finding quite a few gems in these summaries Katy provides!
Here are a few of my thoughts.
1) I do feel that optimism is a choice, but I also feel that optimism isn’t necessary for happiness. Sometimes life just sucks. I find it is okay for us to have our pouty days. It comes down to the grand question: are you more negative than positive? If you are, perhaps you should evaluate that and try something different. Make sense?
2)Practicing apologies is a great way of applying developmentally appropriate practices. Back in my school days, I learned that saying sorry is not really effective. Yet, I never learned what is the better thing to do! This practical advice–of making apologies more sincere and practicing them–is something I can start in my own family.
3)Teaching our children about emotions is an important part of our job description. I don’t think we have to sit down each time our child is sad or having a melt down, but recognizing those moments and following up on them at a quieter time might be a way to use this suggestion.
One of my favorite routines growing up was when my mother came in, tucked me in, and asked me what my happiest thing was that day, and what my saddest thing was. It usually brought a great discussion.
There’s some fascinating research that Christine cites in the book that suggests the ratio of positive thoughts to negative thoughts happy people have. (I think the ratio is 3 to 1, but I can’t confirm at the moment; my book is in the same room as my sleeping baby.)
Two of my takeaways from the book were that honoring our negative feelings and those of our kids is just as important as embracing the happy ones and that optimism is actually a skill, not an inborn personality trait.
Thanks for this response, Kristen. I will try to remember in the future when I’m disappointed in life (and, believe me, I cry plenty!) that is simply one of the costs of my rosy glasses. When I look at it through the lens you describe, (“I’ve had a life that allows me to be trusting, even if that means I’ve been disappointed more often than I would like,”) I can bear a let down with much more ease. I like what I see when the world looks a bit more pink. Disappointment feels more like cost of doing business when I look at it like that.
Very interesting line of discussion. Coaching our children to develop emotions feels like the essence of true parenting to me. I love things like happiest/saddest moment. Anything that allows those pillow moments between parents and kids.
“Disappointment feels more like cost of doing business.”
Ooh, I like that. Thanks, Rebecca.
I haven’t bought the book yet but ‘m so engrossed reading just the comments. I have shied away from parenting books after my son’s first year but this sounds like a must-read for any parent.
I just love your gratitude practice at the dinner table and I’d like to implement it in my household.
I do believe that optimism is a choice. Even when the facts and the details look bad, or when the only emotions easily accessed are sadness and desperation, we always have the choice to think that “this too shall pass” (a hopeful sentiment that another blogger pointed out to me in a wonderful post that also works for the fleeting euphoria we may get from winning, or falling in love fast and hard or suddenly making big bucks).
As for negative emotions having their place, definitely. Husband and I were just talking about this topic today. When we have a negative emotion, it’s so easy to want to be rid of it as quickly as possible. But for me, it helps to really feel the emotion, stay in the space as long as I need to surrender to it, process it, before I can successfully get out of it. My son is rather expressive these days of his negative emotions and I’m learning to let him be, to validate him and to soothe him with no directives or judgment. When he’s done sobbing, we have a chat and I’m pleased to see that learnings (both for him and me) are absorbed more effectively that way.
As for practice, I really need to reach this chapter. My own penchant for creative play and experimentation with my boy often gets in the way of discipline and practice.
Thanks, Kristen, for letting me participate even though I haven’t read the book yet.
It’s always a pleasure to see you here, Belinda.
I would love the link to the post you mention in your comment if you remember where you saw it.
Okay, I’m won over. I started reading the book now that I’m not as tired, and I’m loving it! Great selection, Kristen. I hope to give some more in-depth commentary next week.
I’m trying to catch up! I’m starting chapter two. I got snagged up by two things that I think I’m supposed to comment on in last week’s blog discussion: sex and parents and what Christine’s comments were and parents fighting.
I know, I’m always running late! Should I comment here or there, Kristen?
No such thing as late for this particular party, Linda! I’m always glad to see you here.
I’d say pop back to last week’s post on Chapters 1-3, unless you see something in this week’s conversation that relates. Real helpful, I know. :)
Ooh, I’ve got to catch up! I kind of froze at the very daunting 10-step conflict resolution process. Yipes. And I have to say that I’m disappointed you don’t get to go to Mexico. Bummer! These three chapters sound inspiring (I so totally suck at gratitude, and my emotional intelligence is pretty low), better get to work!
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