Today I am pleased to welcome Amber of Making the Moments Count as my latest guest in Amy’s Won’t You Be My Neighbor series.
I met Amber last fall shortly after I started blogging (thanks again to Jen and Sarah of Momalom and their Five for Ten event). I was immediately drawn to her writing and the heartfelt way in which she described the challenges of parenting a newborn and a toddler (sound familiar?).
Amber is a realist and an optimist all at once: she tells it like it is, never shying away from the gritty details of colic and exhaustion, but she tempers it all with a wicked sense of humor and a powerful sense of love for her children, her family, and her life.
Thanks, Amber, for sharing a piece with us today.
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Parenting Books Really Aren’t That Bad After All
By: Amber of Making the Moments Count
Many of you know my general dislike for parenting books. I am sure you can imagine the discussions I have with Ben about what I find in parenting books. Most of it revolves around why someone would even buy the book. I am beginning to realize how absolutely patronizing this cognition is.
In disregarding parenting books (and those who read them) I am really admitting to my own insecurity: the consuming thought that I am somehow failing as a mother.
Ben and I love talking about our kids. Especially with other parents. We also enjoy discussing our methods. What I have noticed (about myself and other parents) is that we often feel shameful if we admit to doing one thing or another.
For example, early on with Emily I realized that nursing her in bed was so much easier than getting up to nurse her. Thus, she started sleeping with us. Once Emily reached 6 months, and could sleep without needing to eat at night, Ben and I decided to let her cry it out. Since then, she has slept in her own crib in her own room. We are planning on doing the same thing with Andrew once he reaches 6 months. When people ask about where Andrew sleeps, I ashamedly explain that he sleeps in our bed. I am also reluctant to admit that he will be crying it out soon.
Part of my reluctance is fear of how another parent will categorize me. Of course, categorizing my methods would be rather difficult.
Based on my early example, do I co-sleep? Or, because we let our babies cry it out in their own cribs at 6 months, are we of the Ferber fold?
Silliness aside, are these categories really necessary?
I wonder if labeling myself–and other parents–is the root reason that dissonance is found in the parenting world. I personally do not find that any method is really superior. I think that all parents are trying to figure out how to manage this parenting gig. They try different things. In their attempts, they learn what works and what doesn’t. They also realize that different children require different things. In many ways, parenting is about exploring your creativity.
In my explorations I often hastily conclude that my ways are the best. I am still confronting many of the biases I have. I know that I make many facial judgments on how people parent. Yet, as I grow older and somewhat wiser, I am learning that most parents are doing all they can to ensure a healthy and loving environment for their children. Rather than put other parents down, I hope to support them in their efforts.
Yes, I used to greatly dislike parenting books. Now I realize that parenting books are yet another tool that parents can use to figure out their own parenting puzzle.
Do our parenting techniques define us and/or set us apart? Are we really as different as we think we are? Should we accept that we each have our own brand of parenting and that that is okay? What are some of your favorite parenting books?
{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Amber,
I awoke this morning to your guest post and found myself nodding the whole way as I read.
Having worked with many kids, parents and families over years, and deciding to try to write something that might be of use to others (and which would be less expensive than an individual therapy session in my in my Beverly Hills practice as well) I set out to write what I have learned about parenting in order to make it available to other parents.
One of my ironic intentions was to help bring an end to what was, in my mind, a ridiculous deluge of self-help books that only seemed to lead to more self-help books and not much change, not to mention books that stir insecurity in vulnerable parents by parading around as know-it-all oracles and infallible “experts.”
As is my nature, I set out to write a book that would be truly helpful, but also be subversive in being about parenting as A WAY, but not THE WAY, to find our happiness, our sense of community, even a bit of enlightenment.
I was dismayed to learn that, despite quickly gaining an excellent New York literary agent, the current climate for books had shifted dramatically, even in the time I had been writing.
Major publishing houses said that they loved the book, but that the problem was that I was unknown as a public figure or parenting expert. In a world of Oprah, you had to already be a famous person to matter, and good books were no longer the criteria for publishing. Alas it was just like the Hollywood I had fled (where today they wouldn’t make any of the great 70s films if you wrote them, while if DeCaprio or Cruise want to be Thomas the Tank Engine that’s gong to be a huge summer blockbuster).
The other feedback is that my book was “too broad,” in being about everything from depression, self-esteem, anxiety, power-struggles, psychic parenting and spirituality. Parenting is as broad an arena as we can imagine, but in the business of publishing, the call has become for “diagnosis driven” books (i.e. The ADD Child, The Aspergers Child) because that’s what sells.
The publishing houses expressed that their hands were tied because Barnes & Noble had refused to take delivery on ANY general parenting book by a non Dr. Phil level “expert.”
My sadness at the profitability of diagnosis-centric books stems from the idea that we have been pathologizing childhood and parenting—everything becomes about problems, stirring anxiety and fear, and then meeting the needs that one has manufactured and fanned the flames of in the quest for money (and not real help).
Writers and experts often truly care to help, but the idea that we all need to chat, support each other and normalize things is not as lucrative as the idea that we all are messed up and the latest book has the cure.
In your post, you write what I, and many of us parents I sense, are trying to say and live. Realizing that parenting is hard, and that compassionate books, useful books and inclusive books (and blogs, and conversations, and book clubs) are really a way that we seek and sometimes find community, which just might be one of the mystical opportunities that parenting itself offers—a chance to bridge all sorts of differences and meet on the most sacred, profound and unifying ground many of us can imagine—our love for our kids, all our collective kids (no matter what parenting “style” we adopt).
At the end of my book, my conclusion is that each reader throw away what I say and write their own parenting book, like me risking the idea that no one but ourselves may ultimately read it. Writing helped me refine what I truly felt and believed about parenting, and helped me live that a bit more of the time. To me this proved key: we all know what to do as parents for the most part, the hard part is actually doing it (and for that we need love and connection, not advice).
Perhaps your post today is the admirable start of your own parenting book, so I wanted to be the first to say I’m already a fan.
Namaste.
Bruce,
Your comment blew me away.
To begin with, I am quite familiar with your blog. I admire your attempts to teach anyone and everyone about little things like depression, anxiety, parenting teens, miscarriage, and other topics. I quite often read your writings to my husband (who, incidentally, is thinking about psychiatry as a future profession).
Next, I appreciate that you willingly share your experience in attempting to write a book that is not specialized. A book that is not focused on a ten easy steps to become happy and successful person. While those books have there place, it is as you said–many do not cover the real issues, but hand out band-aids until the person can read their next installment.
Unlike you, I am no expert. Yet, LIKE you, I am doing my best to mother my children. I am sure that your Ph.D did not provide you with the handbook on perfectly parenting your child, parenting is something you have had to figure out yourself. I am sure you have had your moments of absolute chaos and perfect clarity. Still, parenting is really about the journey.
I like your suggestion that we all write our parenting books. In writing, we often figure out exactly what we have been trying to say all along.
Great post, Amber! I think when it comes to parenting books, you can find just about any ‘philosophy’ to support what you prefer to do, and maybe that’s ok! I know I read them all cover to cover, but my husband never picked one up, and we both did fine!
Yes, there are books (many I imagine) that would provide you with praise about your choices! As you said, I don’t find this to be a bad thing. We all need some cheer in our crazy parenting adventures!
I never really thought about WHY I dislike parenting books, but having read your wise words, I think I agree. I’m too worried to see that I’m doing it “wrong” or “differently” than suggested. I’m insecure about sine choices I make about how I raise my kids even though it works for me. I also am fearful that I’ll see my kids are “behind”… When really we all move at our own pace, do things in our own time.
We really should just look at these books as one more “voice”, another opinion. And we can take the words, or leave them.
Great post Amber!
I like this perspective: parenting books as A voice – but not necessarily THE voice – in the discussion.
Indeed, Becca, one voice to listen to and ignore if it doesn’t work for you.
And, I’m with you! I used to stay away from parenting books because I didn’t need any more guilt! I think that I recognize now that the authors will not come and hunt me down if I don’t do everything they say.
Dude, I tell everyone I can that around 5 or 6 months to let their baby cry it out!! I learned from experience that a mom is MUCH happier getting a full nights sleep, and crying it out is the fastest way to do that. I also use the cry out method for naps if need be. My first also slept with us a lot of nights… gotta get the sleep somehow!!
I honestly believe that what works for my little family may not work for another family in all areas of parenting methods. My sister in law ONLY lets her kids eat at the table, and my kids walk around munching on crackers all around the house (leaving crumbs everywhere). But it works for me. And it works for her.
I don’t judge anymore since becoming a parent, because I know every kid is different. What worked for my first kid didn’t work for my second. So I definitely can’t expect that every family is going to do what I do, because no one is the same. Great post, as usual!!!!
Welcome to Motherese, Kristen, and thanks for your comment. Anyone with such a fabulous name is always welcome here! ;)
Kristen, I loved hearing your perspective!
I wonder if parenthood helps most of us realize that we don’t have all the answers and what one parent does may not work for every parent. I think that being supportive is the best thing we can provide for each other. Like we do in this blogworld.
Before we attempted it ourselves, the cry it out method seemed like such a dirty word because no one would talk about it in our little network. I couldn’t bring myself to do it until my daughter was 11 months but we should have done it sooner. We finally got the sleep and rest we needed, and got our evenings back (we used to stay in the room with her a couple of hours or more in the evening just to make sure she slept because she refused to if we weren’t there with her) and now, everyone’s happier and healthier.
But it wasn’t until I wrote about my CIO experience on my blog that parents came out of the woodwork to give me advice based on their own experience, which surprised me. What? I wasn’t the only one?
That was when I realized that in our community, we only spoke about the happy, easy parts of parenthood (first steps! first words!) but we kept our struggles and the methods we “resorted to” to ourselves. And it made it difficult for me to reach out to other parents when everyone’s so busy trying to look like the perfect parent, perfect family (although those too are relative aren’t they?).
I don’t pretend to know the first and last thing about parenting. I was brought up in another culture and my family is far away, so these parenting books do help. It’s by no means my Bible, as eventually I will have to figure out what works for MY child, not just for MOST 17-month-olds.
Thank you for this post.
I think you’ve just hit upon one of the things I like most about blogging. For whatever reason (the possibilities are the subject of many other posts, I’m sure), the people I meet in this world seem more willing to admit their insecurities and questions and flaws (and those of their kids). I think the discussions here can often be much more authentic as a result.
Yes and yes to both you, Justine, and you, Kristen! It really makes me feel better to hear someone else talk about their struggles in parenting!
I will tell you this, Justine, we do not even try to pretend we are perfect around here! We know we are! Kidding, kidding. Seriously, though, parenting is hard enough without trying to put up a front of perfection. I think that we parents have enough guilt without adding that to the mix!
Great Post !!! I love it how most of the parenting book experts are really not experts at all.
http://polwig.com
Thanks for visiting Motherese, Polwig, and for taking the time to leave a comment!
What a wonderful post, Amber. Like you, I have an almost visceral dislike for parenting books, which doesn’t mean I didn’t learn some things along the way from a few. And mostly what I learned, was to be open to whatever worked, wherever that might originate.
Now parents are alike, no kids are alike, no “one way” is right, even in the same family.
It’s a bumpy road, no matter what. And a joyful one.
I like how you described parenting as “bumpy” and “joyful.” How appropriate!
Parenting is complex, expecting the answer to all your questions in one manual is impossible! Yet, you are bound to learn at least one thing from them!
With both my kids, I consulted the parenting books and then threw them across the room; they were so bossy and annoying and smug.
I just “wing it” with my kids most of the time and hope for the best!
I like to call it “intuitive parenting,” Kitch. : )
I must say I’m the opposite of most folks here. I turn to parenting books first, not as the end-all-be-all source of divine parenting wisdom, but for ideas, strategies, tips, and an understanding of what is going on in the rapidly changing little brains of my children. I collect data and then make my own decision about what I think will work.
But my husband and I are hardwired that way. We are “info gatherers” and always have been, long before we were parents. It’s our preferred problem-solving method, and we’ve made it work for us.
This is not to say I find all parenting books useful. I, too, like to chuck certain ones across the room on occasion. But overall, they have helped me out of many tough situations, helped me keep my cool and not panic, helped me assess that my child will not, in fact, have a fever for the rest of her life. My favorites? Baby 411 and Toddler 411 by Ari Brown and Denise Fields. Both books are full of practical, easy-to-read, non-judgy explanations, tips, and strategies. This is where I learned duct tape was the answer for my diaper-stripping children. We now have a roll in every room. =>
I’m definitely going to share your comment with my husband, Stacia. He believes that duct tape is the answer for all problems in life: our down comforter recently ripped and currently sports a duct tape patch. Classy.
Ha ha ha ha. Does this qualify as laughing WITH you? :)
Oh, the universal fix-it that is duct tape. My husband has repaired his “work” pants (as in they’d go with a hard hat) with duct tape. But he’s nothing compared to my father, who when I was an easily embarrassed teenager patched the split seam IN THE CROTCH of his pants with duct tape. It was like a homemade superhero costume. Only much, much worse.
Stacia, duct tape is a marvelous invention, isn’t it?
My problem with parenting books is more an internal one. I feel so darned guilty!! It is quite silly and something I am learning to overcome. I now look at parenting books like you do–they provide data that we parents can either use or discard!
I rarely talk about parenting methods with others. I am comfortable with mine. My children are well liked and considered to be among the most well behaved so I know we’re doing something right.
And I really don’t care if people agree with me or not, but that being said I just don’t need the headaches that come with some of these discussions.
Yes. The headaches. Parenting is about finding what suits you. It isn’t about the competition. I admire your confidence (that is obviously grounded in truth!).
Hi Amber,
My confidence stems from my children, or should I say how they act and behave. That is a reflection of what they learn from us.
It makes it easy for me to be confident about what we are doing.
But I’d be lying if I said that I don’t have moments of doubt and uncertainty. So much of this parenting stuff is done by feel and intuition.
Thanks again for being here, Amber, and for kicking off this great discussion!
With Big Boy, I couldn’t get enough parenting advice – from books to websites to other moms and dads. Like Stacia, I am an information gatherer and a direction follower and I felt it comforting to have a plan at such a chaotic time. It probably helped that Big Boy was a healthy and generally easy-going baby so most of the tips in the book seemed to work for him.
With Tiny Baby, I trust my own experience much more. I hardly ever consult my books. The one time I definitely did, though, was when he spiked a fever at five weeks of age; I was very grateful for the advice of bringing him to the ER. He turned out to be fine and was released from the hospital after two days of IV antibiotics. That experience confirmed my instinct to listen to the experts in a medical crisis. But now I mostly trust my gut when it comes to the more routine stuff.
Kristen, thank you for hosting me! I feel quite welcomed here!
I find that I am consulting the books much more now that I have Andrew then when I only had Emily! The funny thing is this shows how confident I have become. I now read those books without wondering whether I am failing because I discard most of the advice. I read them mostly to find tips.
I must tell you, Kristen, the ongoing discussion for your book club was the inspiration for this post. In fact, I am hoping to pick the book up this weekend so I can join in on the conversation!
Hi Amber – I am also in the co-slept, then cry it out camp. Most people I knew didn’t co-sleep, so I kind of felt like a freak, but many people did share their experiences with letting their kids cry it out. When my son was a baby, I tended to feel more self-conscious about the choices I made and compare the methods I used to those used by other parents, but I realized I was driving myself batty with that approach. My friends and I all have somewhat different parenting styles, but all of our kids are doing just fine, so I’m trying my best to stop focusing on what others are doing and just focus on what’s best for my son. It’s so easy to second-guess yourself as a parent, especially when you see other parents taking a different approach, but I’m really trying to be mindful of not continuing that pattern.
“I’m trying my best to stop focusing on what others are doing and just focus on what’s best for my son. ” Jamie, this is incredibly wise. Something I am still learning. Really, I often parent with the image that people are watching my every move. In reality, no one is watching! It’s all in my head! It’s time that I stop second-guessing myself (as you put it) and remember that I know my children the best!
Hi Amber and Kristen,
Great post and the discussion equally so. I had books that I hoped would help in the first few months but found it was better to rely on my mother and my mother-in-law for advice and on my instinct for more specific challenges.
I don’t have much more to add other than I hope more parents will be as supportive of other parents and as honest with the struggles of parenting as they are here on this blog.
Belinda, the support I have found through blogging is incredible. It is amazing how I can bare my soul (if you will) and people will still read! : )
I find it hard to remember what my husband and I absolutely decide (without question!) to implement with the kids all the time! How could I remember what someone else tells me when it doesn’t come from watching my kid, seeing a problem and coming up with a solution? I’m not that smart – I wouldn’t remember what the book said.
That being said, I am willing to use the book “Raising Happiness” (once it arrives from Amazon!) to see about making this family happier. With menopausal me, pre-teen daughter, teenaged son, and stressed-out husband, we can use that.
Your house sounds like a hormone war zone!! Still, I am sure that “Raising Happiness” will provide some insight!!
Thanks for the laugh, Linda. : )
I’m not a parent yet but I imagine they are sort of like dieting books. You read them, find a few nuggets, and discard the rest.
Rebecca, you are wiser than I, the “seasoned” mother, am. : )
Amber – This is a wonderful and honest post. I have a healthy lineup of parenting books in my library even though I, like you, have mixed feelings about them. Interestingly, I do not read them, but they are there. To go to if I feel I need it. I bought the vast majority of these books when I was pregnant with Toddler because I was scared and craved direction. But now, these books feel threatening for in them are lessons I feel like I am disregarding daily as I go about my flawed parenting. Yep, insecurities.
Like you, I am realizing that parenting books – like all How-To books – offer different views, different approaches. As all of us know in our hearts of hearts there are many ways to raise our kids – and well. These days, I find parenting books less daunting because I respect that each is but one window into this parenting world. And there are so many windows.
I truly respect your authenticity and vulnerability here and in so many of your terrific posts at your own blog. Yours is one of the voices that I am thrilled to have encountered in this last year of blogging.
Thanks, Kristen – for bringing us all Amber’s words. Apologies to you both for being a wee bit MIA in these woods of late. Life is taking me away. And that’s okay. But I also miss you guys and your words.
Happy Friday, all!
Even if you don’t read them, I imagine those parenting books do provide you with comfort. Just knowing you have something to look to for guidance is helpful!
Hey, Aidan, if anyone understands you being gone, I do! Work, babies, household duties, and so many other things pull at us. I am with you in feeling the need to apologize, though. (I can’t speak for Kristen although I am sure she understands as well.)
Reading through this discussion I was reminded of a parenting book I was given around the time my first kid arrived, “How to calm the fussy baby.” I was too sleep deprived to even consider reading page one, but one night my kid’s explosive diarrhea literally landed all over that book on my night stand. I considered it his first critical response to the parenting literature, and while I still couldn’t quell his colic, I had to respect him as a critic.
Colic! Ugh! Both mine had it.
I read this to my husband, Bruce, and we have laughed about it ever since. Everyone’s a critic. : )
I was so taken with this: In many ways, parenting is about exploring your creativity. That is just fantastic! I’ve always said that no one way works for any two families. How could it? Our lived experiences are vastly different. Prescribing a certain theory or process to parenting is such a misnomer. There is no one size that fits all. You’d think our thousands of years of history would have taught us that.
However, I will admit, I do have a few favourites, but only because they provided me with reasoning for the solutions I wanted to try. Like you Amber we used cry-it-out with our first. I was desperate by the time we decided to do it. I ready Healthy Sleep, Happy Child and found the courage I needed. We never looked back. Interestingly, when we tried to do the same with our second it didn’t work. We knew right away his personality wouldn’t lend itself to what we had done with our first. So we adapted and found someone that worked for him.
Loved the post! And of course, delighted to see you over here at Motherese.
I love how you put this, Christine: some books “provided me with reasoning for the solutions I wanted to try.” That is true of me and I didn’t even realize it until you put words to it. Thank you!
Christine, I read that book and cried. Still, I implemented some of its ideas (like routine) and it worked really well for Emily. With Andrew, though, it may or may not work. It really is about reading your children. Books are great for tips and advice, but you as the parent know your child better than anyone (author or relative). Yet, as you mentioned, those books are great at validating our own philosophies and efforts.
The only advice I ever give to any parent, whether they seek it or not, is to listen to all of the advice people give them, and then do what is right for them.
Same with self-help books :) Read them, and then do what makes sense for you.
I couldn’t agree more.
As the author of a parenting book myself (RAISING HAPPINESS), this was fascinating. Writing the book was, to me, like having a conversation with other parents: a way of working out how I personally am going to use the science I’m writing about in my own parenting. And then, of course, how others can, too.
Hi Christine – Thanks for stopping by. It’s fun to see your perspective on an issue that is so germane to your experience both professionally and personally.
I am flabbergasted and flattered to see you commenting on here, Christine!!
From what I have heard, your book is just that: a conversation. I appreciate that you don’t take a one-way approach to parenting. There really isn’t one way, more like a dozen paths that eventually collide into each other.
I don’t read parenting books either: they make me feel worse as a parent than I already am. Yup, the way you feel. What I have found is that there are not that many parenting books in Chinese. That’s always interesting to me.
I also take the easy way out: I just say: I suck as a parent, aren’t you glad I don’t tell you how to parent? So now move along and leave me be. ;-)
One of the hardest things about commenting is you can’t seem me laughing my butt off. : )
I try to relay that information to my friends as well; that is, after I have talked for 30 minutes about my own brand of parenting. It reminds me that I don’t know squat.
Awesome post, Amber!!! You really hit the nail on the head with this issue. Parenting is not about finding the perfect solution to a puzzle, but about finding your way through a labyrinth with a myriad of possible positive solutions. No one way is best. And no parenting model fits all children perfectly. I LOVE YOU!!! You rock.
Thank you, Naomi! You summarized everything so succinctly that I really can’t add to your comment!
Thanks so much for your comment, Naomi. It’s always nice to see you here.
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