During Sunday afternoon’s precious double nap, I sat at my desk, wrangling with WordPress, trying to format Katy’s guest post to have it ready to publish on Monday morning. My Internet connection was creeping its way along at speeds I haven’t seen since the early days of dial-up. I felt frustrated. I felt angry. I felt my blood pressure rise and a wave of heat wash over me. I felt like pounding my fist against the desk. (Well, okay, I did pound my fist against the desk. Strangely, my Internet connection did not move any faster as a result.)
The irony was not lost on me that I was losing my patience and feeling decidedly unhappy while trying to set up a review of a book called Raising Happiness.
That feeling of mounting frustration was one I was intimately familiar with last fall, when the seemingly endless needs of an infant and a toddler threatened to drown me in a tidal wave of diaper blow-outs, crying jags, and spilled sippy cups. Everything felt difficult and everything felt like it was being done for somebody else.
Yes, I chose to have kids. Yes, I love those kids beyond anything I could have imagined before having them. Yes, I would do anything for them.
But.
I find it very, very hard to be selfless. And selfless is what I thought you had to be to be a good mother.
But then I stumbled onto this new hobby: writing. An outlet for the thoughts and questions that were percolating inside my tired mind. An entrée into a community of other people thinking and asking. A nap-time option other than washing dishes or doing laundry. A self-centered activity that made – and still makes me – happy.
So much in the early chapters of Christine Carter’s Raising Happiness resonated with me, but nothing felt truer to me while reading than her suggestion for parents to “put your own oxygen mask on first” and “take care of your own happiness before you try to teach your kids the skills they’ll need to be happy.”
According to Carter, “emotions in general are just plain contagious.” She goes on to tell us of the various studies that demonstrate the link between depressed parents and “negative outcomes” in their children – and of evidence that shows that kids “reap the benefits” when their parents are happy.
I found the second part of this equation particularly illuminating – an A-ha moment, to borrow Katy’s phrase – even though it rests on empirical observations that any parent can make: kids are skilled mimics. And they tend to mimic most the people they spend the most time with: so it’s no surprise that kids tend to be happier, the happier their parents are.
I saw this positive feedback loop play out in my own life this fall as I started to prioritize small things that made me happy. Grumpy Sunday afternoons notwithstanding, I became happier, the quality of time I spent with my kids became happier, and they became happier as well.
Happy begets happy begets more happy. So easy, right?
Well, not necessarily. There’s plenty out there threatening to derail our happiness: the economy, health crises, family drama, bad reality television. But Carter assures us that “[i]t is never too late to become a happier person,” if we approach happiness as a “collection of habits rather than a genetically endowed trait” and remember to put on our own oxygen masks first.
Where can we find the oxygen? She gives some suggestions:
- Hang out with people who make you laugh. (Laughter really is good medicine, according to the science.)
- Get a massage or a pedicure. (Embrace the healing power of touch!)
- Meditate.
- Maintain a gratitude journal. (Anne at Life in Pencil first introduced me to this idea.)
- Exercise.
- Get outside.
- Stay away from the mall. (According to Carter, “The more we seek happiness in material things, the less likely we are to find it.” To be continued in a later discussion…)
So what do you think? Is Carter’s mandate to put on our own oxygen masks first really just an excuse for selfishness?
What do you do to ensure your own happiness? What could you do to make yourself even happier?
P.S. Yes, I realize this is my second straight post with the word “Mama” in the title. What do you expect from a blog called “Motherese”?
P.P.S. Have you read Katy’s review of the first three chapters of Raising Happiness yet?
Image: White Panther by Anita Robicheau via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }
I love the way it’s referred to as puttin on our own oxygen mask before we can put it on our kids. I always felt this intrinsically when my kids were young.
My biggest worry was when my marriage ended and I was so unhappy; I knew it was contagious. Now, looking back, it was such a short time in the whole picture. But at the time it was tough. While I know it affected my kids, it was one of many many things, most of them overwhelmingly good.
Nice post Kristen!
I totally agree and at the same time it terrifies me. Because I’m human. I’m just not happy all the time. I realize that the author is not making the point that you must be happy because it’s contagious, I know it’s more realistic than that. I guess I’m just saying that I struggle with this a lot. Because I have this knowledge, about the oxygen mask and the way moods are contagious and then I feel PRESSURE and I shut down. I try. Oh, how I try, for these very reasons, but then the perfectionist in me rears her picky head and I look at myself and see my inevitable failings and I’m all ‘I just need to hide.’ I’m working on this, obviously, especially since I stopped drinking. I guess I’m just being honest. This is a BATTLE for me, and it does take HABITS (like your post and the book says). We moms, we try to develop these good habits while we’re so exhausted. Wow, am I ever negative? :)
All I know is the pressure lightens when I don’t think as much as I have a natural tendency to think, and I just DO the right thing, whatever it is in that moment, like I robot if I have to. ‘The right thing’ often means taking care of me, choosing to be present, and taking deep breaths.
I’ll stop now :)
I relate to this feeling so much, Heather: the pressure to be happy and to model happiness for my kids can make me feel distinctly UNhappy.
I read a blog post yesterday at Zen Family Habits about the idea of giving yourself a fresh start every day. I think there is real beauty in letting ourselves off the hook for the times when we feel down or when we snap at our kids. My tendency is to ruminate and to let one not-so-great moment snowball and dominate my mood, so it won’t be easy for me to adopt this new “forget about it” mentality, but I think this idea – combined with Carter’s permission to put myself first sometimes – might be a good foundation for further steps in the right direction.
Oh dear, another parenting “to do.” But at least this one has the potential to make me feel good instead of guilty. :)
Agreed. Parents need to be happy in order to be better parents. The tip for not going to the mall and placing happiness in material things is very helpful.
Any mood is contagious. I see this at my work place, at home with my children, and even with my extended family. to continue with my climate control analogy… our children are like barometers for our moods. I usually notice my bad mood because I see it reflected in my children first. They can sense the storm is coming.
No, I don’t think that Carter’s metaphor regarding the oxygen mask is an excuse to be selfish. Think about it… When we talk to someone who is taking care of a seriously ill family member, what do we always tell them? “Remember to take care of yourself.” We automatically say that in regards to physical health but how often do we say it in regards to mental health? Is this a reflection on our society’s view on mental health?
To ensure my happiness I spend quality time with alone with my Hubby, time with my family, and alone with myself. I’ve picked up a few hobbies to include knitting, blogging, and photography. For physical health we bought new bikes, joined a country club for golf & swimming, and I finally signed up for private yoga lessons!
Keep these climate related metaphors coming, Erica; I love them!
I appreciate your reminder to treat mental health with the same respect we do physical health. Of course, now I’m thinking about the ways in which I could really improve both. Perhaps it’s time for me to combine Carter’s recommendations for exercise and outdoor time with some brisk walking or jogging – or an outdoor yoga class. I’m so excited for you that you are going to take private yoga lessons. Good for you!
(And for anyone who hasn’t seen Erica’s photography, go check out her blog. If I could take pictures like that, I’d be happy too.)
Signing up for follow-up commentes. :)
I completely agree with this (http://tinyurl.com/y3nbkot), however, I think that it’s important to support each other as parents to recognize that when we are truly depressed, drinking too much, or losing our struggle to manage our anger appropriately we need more than the simple small pleasures sometimes, and then it is time to seek help for ourselves.
This post also challenges us to think about what Happiness really is—I tend to gravitate toward the concept of “good feelings that last,” which can include productive suffering (sort of like some aspects of writing, exercise, loving in general and certainly the dark moments of parenting potentially leading to deeper bonds).
More than anything else, the great challenge to consciously embrace and want EVERYTHING that we have at this given moment unlocks happiness, paradoxically shifting our view of all we may have thought brings happiness.
Just as good parenting is a balancing act between taking care of ourselves as well as our children; happiness is a balancing act between the needs of the inner self and the also very real demands of the outside world.
By connecting in ways such as this space, Kristen, we forge a brave new world where Happiness is relationship—inner as well as outer—and not just old-school retreat to alienation and emerging from our rooms when we are happy and “normal.”
It may turn out to be a corollary truth that if the group’s not happy (i.e. the community, the world, the earth as aspects of Great Mother/Father archetype), then the individuals in that group (i.e. us “kids” in relationship to the larger parent) cannot truly be happy just by our own individual efforts.
A sustainable happiness is one that everyone could be happy in (and this is good idea to stay away from the mall, but also ask, “Can everyone find a way to get to yoga, or afford therapy, or avail themselves of nature?” And how might we trade exclusivity for inclusivity… for our own good?
Lastly, when it comes to that oxygen mask image, not only am I going to be fighting a full-on Panic Attack if those masks drop down, I’m going to be thinking (with neurotic guilt) that I should never have taken my kid on that sort of trip. But maybe that’s what staying home is for?
I’m behind, I know! I’m picking up the book today, I promise!
Like Maureen and Heather, I do worry that my kids pick up on my periods of unhappiness. My youngest, in particular, seems to be a sponge where Mama’s moods are concerned. It scares me.
Obviously, this book is going to do me some good.
So interesting, I highlighted that quote too “putting on your own oxygen mask first.” (Kind of cool how you do that on a kindle!) Anyhow, I digress. This chapter of the book resonated with me so completely. I actually breathed a HUGE sigh of relief as I read it. I do practice my own happiness, frequently, even daily. When my second son was born I felt exactly as you described, lost in a sea of kidness. I didn’t like it, how it made me feel, who I was because of it, and how that affected my children. It took me months to dig myself out from it, and gradually as the baby became just a little less dependent on me, when I could get away for longer and longer stretches, I started to feel the sun come out again. And the whole family was better for it. I was more engaged when with them, happy and with enough energy to tackle motherly tasks, and less guilty for my moods (they were afterall, much more positive).
Like you, I’ve never been very good at the whole “selfless” mother gig. Until I just read your articulation of it, that feeling that selflessness is what makes us mothers, I never realized just how affected I was by that belief. Thank you Kristen for inspiring an “aHA!” moment for me.
I was very struck by the fact she included in this section that more than half of us feel guilty about how little time we spend with our kids. Oh yes, I know this well! But I’d like to think that if I’m paying attention to my own needs, putting on that oxygen mask, that at least when I do spend time with them, it’s quality time, it’s time I WANT to be with them, and that that makes all the difference.
I am very excited for our next discussion on the coming chapters! This is really a delight.
I love the image you create of the sun coming out again. I think many of us can relate to that sensation after the “fourth trimester” ends – or after we come out on the other side of any particularly stressful or overwhelming period.
This is a recurring theme in a number of posts that I have read recently and some that I have blogged about.
I try to boil everything down to some relatively simple questions.
Do you know what makes you happy?
Do you know what brings you joy?
What fulfills you?
If you can answer those questions then you can develop a plan of action to make it happen. At least that is my belief.
I am yet to go to that yoga class I mentioned as a goal for myself this week after reading the first chapter and realizing that I should take care of myself too.
Sometimes it isn’t about my lack of interest – I love yoga and I really want to get back into it – but with all the things that I have going on (mothering, partnering, household-working, etc. – all with which you are too familiar I’m sure), I’m uncertain as to where to fit that in without seeming like I’m selfish. With so many items on my to-do list, something has to give, but what? And who?
And that ever-present guilt I cannot shake. What do I do about that?
Sorry, I realize I have more questions than I do illuminating comments about my take on the first chapter. Reading it and agreeing with it is far easier than practicing it.
This is such an important question: where does the time come from?
In an ideal world, we would all have loving and capable child-care providers ready to step in (for free!) when it was time for our “me” time. But I imagine I’m not alone in living in a less-than-ideal world in that respect.
Is it possible that life with small kids just doesn’t allow us this time?
I’d love to hear feedback from more experienced parents: how did you balance your “me” time with your family and professional demands?
For about 6 years, my “me” time was between midnight and 4 a.m. Seriously. Not to dishearten you, but that’s just the way it was. And when they were in school, I was working a corporate job, but from a home office. Also not “me” time.
You just tough it out. Sounds ridiculous, but you do. And if you can find other parents to take your kids for short periods to get some “me” time – you do that. (Work-outside-the-home mothers often don’t, because of the guilt about all the time we’re working for pay.)
I appreciate hearing about reality, even if it’s not rose-colored. Understanding the reality helps me learn to work within and around it to try to carve out the best possible situation for my family and myself.
As for swapping childcare, I have managed to wrangle that very plan for tomorrow morning and will pay it back next week. Working within the reality as best as I can.
Thanks, Big Little Wolf.
This whole issue is much trickier and more complicated than reducing specific situations to a single adage.
As for the “oxygen analogy” – in the case of assuring one’s cool head in order to save others around us – that’s a far cry from most other circumstances.
I could never be happy – or anything close – at the expense of my child. Now, that doesn’t mean that children always get their way. Again, there’s overlap and gray area. Kids can learn to compromise, as adults must. Life is a series of compromises, a bumpy journey of learning and re-learning.
No one requires that we, as parents, sacrifice ourselves on the altar of parenthood, but nor could most of us be even remotely happy if our children are not well.
I also don’t seek “happiness” by any particular definition. I doubt my sons do, either. I seek to learn and experience and be – in ways that feel good, right, satisfying. The result of that is “life” – with some joys, some sorrows, and a lot that lives in between.
I love your suggestions. Especially the one about not seeking happiness in physical things. It’s definitely true. I always feel better after a long walk, hot bath, nap, or lunch with a friend, than I do after shopping.
I learned that in order for me to be a mother to Chad after my accident, I had to make my own recovery my first priority. I learned that I was of no use to anyone else unless I was able to take care of myself emotionally. I may not be able to physically take care of myself but I’ve learned that as long as I have the blessing of my intelligence, I am capable of being in charge of my well-being physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. I think society places so much pressure on women to perform as wives, mothers, homemakers and career women that sometimes we feel completely overwhelmed. The most important lesson I have learned is that nothing and nobody can make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. And of course, there are many many days when I fail to live up to my responsibility to be happy and I end up crying my eyes out. Oh hell it’s hard!
But hey, Kristen at least you have the courage to be honest and your brave enough to admit to the world how frustrated you feel at times. It is your ability to write so beautifully and connect with your readers which makes you a blessing. In your own unique way you are making a difference to many people out there. And for that, you should be very proud of yourself! I’m grateful to be able to read your blog. You sure make a difference in my life! Thank you!
Tracy, I think your first sentence summed up this topic in the grandest scheme of things. Thank you.
Oh, Tracy, thank you so much for your very generous words and for sharing your perspective. The idea that we are responsible for our own happiness is one that it has taken me a long time to understand. In fact, I think it’s just recently that I started to realize the truth of it.
Thank you, Tracy, for being part of this online community that has become such an integral part of my own happiness: I am profoundly grateful to you for your writing on your blog and for your taking the time to read and comment here.
It’s certainly complex. “And selfless is what I thought you had to be to be a good mother” — I know for me that my intentions will naturally be to put my children first (as I’ve put other people I care about first for a long time). I learned that from my own mother. In the end, though, I think she suffered a lot under that impulse and still does. I don’t want that to happen to me, so I’m trying to listen to what I need (not something I’ve been used to doing) before I embark on the great adventure of motherhood.
Everyone’s balance between self and others is likely different, calibrated to each person’s threshold for delaying gratification. It is good that you are actively seeking out what works best for you. So many people don’t understand how essential that is to staying healthy until a crisis occurs.
“Everyone’s balance between self and others is likely different, calibrated to each person’s threshold for delaying gratification.”
This statement is so wise, I think, Contemporary Troubadour. Because my kids are so little and so dependent on me physically, I recognize that the balance has to be shifted quite heavily toward them and their needs at the moment – and perhaps I’m getting some much needed experience in delaying gratification.
I was talking to a friend yesterday who is a very new mom. We were talking about the little things that seem like luxuries once you become a parent (e.g. taking a shower without interruption). In the context of that conversation, your idea of a delayed gratification threshold feels like an A-ha moment for me.
Thank you.
What an excellent an interesting post. My mother used to use this phrase not just about friends but attitudes as well “one back apple spoils the whole bunch” and it’s true. Everyone in a household feeds off the energy (or lack thereof) of others. Enjoyed this.
Bravo on the photo first off, because that’s way some days just feel. After Spring Break, (what one Mom affectionately referred to as “Hell Week”), I just knew I needed some time to do my posts, get the house organized, set a few work related efforts in motion…..I needed some Me time. The change in my mood is noticeable. And yep, the whole family benefits.
It took my husband to encourage me to carve out special “me” time. When I saw it in action and realized how much it changed my outlook and how much it affected my family in a positive way I no longer felt guilty taking time out to blog, do yoga or go to a movie. If I need it, I take it. It’s win-win for everyone!
I’m not good at being a selfless mother, but I’ve never really believed that selfless mothers are good mothers. However, neither do I see this as an excuse for selfishness, because in my mind, selfishness would be choosing, as BigLittleWolf put it, my happiness at the expense of my child’s. To me, that is unacceptable, especially when there are ways to pursue the things that I need to be happy while still giving my child what he needs. But the reality is, mothers deserve to be happy just as much as our children deserve happiness. I’ve struggled to find the balance between my happiness and my son’s, and I’ve found that when I deny my own needs, we both suffer. So “selflessness” is not really an option in my mind, because the cost to my family is too high.
Ahh, that elusive search for balance. What would we call the midpoint between selfishness and selflessness – because that’s what I’m after, too.
What I’m finding now is quite interesting. If my son is stressed I pick up on his stress. It used to be the other way around.
I do believe that if I am not happy as a parent, I will not be an effective parent. Some of the decisions I have made have been based on this. And these decision have proved the best I have made as a parent. Not necessarily the most practical but the best.
I think I’ll go schedule a massage for myself. And then yell at the library for taking so long with my copy of this book! Wait, that’s not practicing happiness …
On a more serious note, as others have said, I feel that being a parent who is truly present means taking time to be absent. It means taking that walk or that yoga class or that nap. I liken it to writing. If you look at your draft for hours and hours without a break, you can’t help but make mistakes. It’s the time away that makes it better.
So absence begets presence (at least every once in awhile)? I like it, Stacia.
Thanks, too, for likening parenting to writing. These days I understand only references to parenting and writing – oh, and, 80s TV shows. :)
I don’t have children, but I see this playing out in my marriage as well. When I’m crabby and unhappy, sometimes I feel the need to spend MORE time with my husband–as though it’s his responsibility to cheer me up. Often times, the more useful solutions are ones like you suggest…stepping out of it and distancing myself while I find opportunities to run, read, etc. When I return to our quality time, it’s much more quality.
This is totally familiar to me from my own marriage. I have a tendency to lurk around whenever one of us is grumpy, trying to somehow fix things existentially. It took me awhile to realize that sometimes a bit of space and a bit of focus on myself (or himself) is much more conducive than my hovering, asking “Are you okay?” or saying “Woe is me.”
Urgh, just back from vacation and my copy of the book hasn’t arrived yet! So I have nothing intelligent to say on that score, however, I went into my vacation expecting to feel happier in escaping my routine (drudgery) and found other things that caused stress/ exhaustion/ discomfort (like Alexander’s mother said, “some days are like that, even in Australia (or Denver).” And then I came home to find that NOTHING had changed (not sure what I expected); the old routines were there, only the kids were needier and grumpier than the ones I left a week earlier. Not sure what my point is here, except I guess that you can’t run away from work/stress/life/unhappiness (not to say I was terribly unhappy, but not exactly skipping and singing through my days either) and the source of happiness it would seem, must come from within. Still, looking forward to the book for more insightful insights!
First off, I adore the reference to Alexander. When Big Boy is in a bad mood, we ask him if he is going to move to Australia. (He usually says no.)
Second, I’m sorry that your vacation didn’t leave you with a reserve of ecstatic joy and contentment to see you through the ins and outs of “real life.” (If only!)
If you are able to get your hands on the book, I’ll be interested to see what you make out of this section. I suspect that Carter would concur with your suggestion that happiness has to come from within. And I certainly hope we can find it in things that can become part of our daily lives – kind of like mini-vacations in the everyday.
I don’t have time to read through all these delightful comments, but I wanted to add my thoughts. Sorry if they have already been said!
Motherhood is draining. It requires constant work and attention. Yet, it is rewarding. There are days when it feels like the work doesn’t end, when everything has gone wrong, and you just are just making it until bed time. I find that it is these days when I use the evening hours to replenish my dwindling stock of happiness. I ignore the dishes and settle in to watch a nice movie or catch up on all my favorite blogs.
This book is sounding delightful. I think I will go out and purchase it today!! (Don’t take my word for it…)
I definitely relate to this idea of happiness as a vessel that can be replenished. Ultimately, I think it’s a hopeful concept: just because we are feeling stressed or upset, it doesn’t mean we can’t refill our happiness supplies and help restore the balance in our lives and in our homes.
There are times that we are unhappy. But how we handle ourselves in that unhappiness, how we choose to handle the situation and the emotion, can become a tool to teach our children the appropriate way to handle an emotion that cannot be permanently avoided.
By displaying negative behaviors, we are teaching our children to do the same. If we acknowledge to our children, yes, I am sad and then proceed to find constructive ways to work through it, we are showing them that unhappiness at times, is a normal emotion and there are positive ways to get through it.
Just my two cents. Enjoying the book so far, although I am behind, as always!
I think this is a very important point, Maria, and one Christine addresses later in the book: learning how to cope with unhappiness and adversity is as essential a skill as learning how to fostering happiness. In everything, I suppose, we parents model for our children the different ways to handle the full spectrum of human emotion.
It always amazes me how the kids feed off of my energy, good or bad. Just in the last two and a half months everyone in my house has changed emotionally with me being sober, and taking charge of my life. It starts at the top, and trickles down in the best way.
That being said, we have downright awful days. But even on those days I’m finding it’s easy to turn them around for just a few moments at a time when I change my attitude. When I smile and tickle a kid instead of yelling.
I go to yoga on Saturday or Sunday mornings. Yes, we get a later start to our family day. Yes, the kids are sad to see me go. But we are ALL better for me putting myself first for that bit of time each week.
They have to see us putting ourselves first sometimes, otherwise how will they know the feeling of self worth? If I always put them first, their needs and wants in front of mine, it’s a recipe for disaster, and they’re bound to do the same later on.
So no, I don’t think the oxygen mask mandate is an excuse to be selfish. It’s a call for us to realize we’re no good to anyone unless you’re happy. Kind of like the phrase you can’t love anyone unless you love yourself. You can’t show anyone how to be happy unless you truly know how to be happy.
I’m rambling… long day ;) Love the discussion!
Amen: “They have to see us putting ourselves first sometimes, otherwise how will they know the feeling of self worth?” Thanks for this, Corinne.
Some great comments here.
My two kids are only about 2-3 years older than yours, but what happens in those years is a level of independence that starts to let Mama off the hook enough to breathe.
Like Stacia, absence for me is essential. Writing and gardening and exercising refreshes me enough to return with new energy for the little people, so I make sure I get a little each day.
I think the crucial thing here is, it gets easier as they get older.
“[I]t gets easier as they get older.”
Oh, how I hope that is true!
I still get crap from people when I tell them Hubby and I are going on vacation without the kids, or when we have our regular babysitting nights. I keep telling them: it’s the best way to improve your parenting.
I believe that. I do. BUT….this past weekend, while discussing with my older, wiser friend about my parenting fears, I found myself realizing that I stress that I don’t do enough for my kids, that I put myself first too often. I won’t go on for way too long here, but she insisted, repeatedly, after much thought and discussion, that what she thinks makes us “fantastic parents” is that we put ourselves first, that although we would never NOT do somethign our kids really want to do, we teach them, by example, that they are PART of a family unit, not the center of it. I am not a selfless person by nature. I like my time and my fashion and my adult outings and my quiet. It’s just that the trick for me is finding the balance between it all. Does this even make sense?
Absolute sense.
My parents used to go out every Wednesday night – and frequently on the weekends – when I was kid and I would describe both of them as very devoted parents. It never occurred to me then that they were being selfish – so why do I find it hard now to follow their example?
I also appreciate your point about teaching our kids how to be part of a community (in this case, the community of the family). I do think that is one of many lessons we parents are responsible for helping them to understand.
I have struggled with this idea of selflessness since my son was born. Even though my husband encourages me to take time for myself away from home, baby, husband – -everything — I find it hard to do. So often, I just want to have family time, time to do something special (even simple) where we will all be together in that moment. A time where we create special memories and where we come together as a family. (This is especially true because my husband works such long hours and has a huge commute.) And these moments do make me so very happy, just a different kind of happy. So, I usually feel torn: do I take the time to go running for myself or do I take the time and spend it with my husband and son?
Kristen, I love this idea of a book club. I, too, have missed our old book club so much. I dream of it on a weekly basis — haha!
Hi Amelia – I’m so happy to have you joining us in our online book club! You are officially raising my happiness. :)
I think many of us can relate to the problem you’re having. The only solution I’ve come up with is to change the 24 hour/day calendar – how else are we going to find the time to be happy individually, with our partners, and with our kids?
Not to harp on the idea of balance, but I think it applies here too: we try to do as much of all of it as possible, even if that leaves us with only a little time for each. A little is better than none, right?
I think it’s interesting how often we focus on the demands of parenting and not on the external energy saps, whether it’s community politics, workplace friction or the constant pressure to conform to something other than what you’ve made. I practice a debilitating selflessness in public, as if it’s not ok to say no. I never give myself the chance to weigh whether or not I should or to carve out time when I am not with my kids. I get tired and frazzled, but the best “oxygen” for me is embracing that my normal doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.
You are absolutely right, Amanda. The pressure to be “debilitatingly” selfless is not confined to parenting. And, in all things, wouldn’t we all be happier if we didn’t measure ourselves against what is expected or what anybody else is doing?
Thanks so much for your insightful comment.
We really need to remember this not just for ourselves, but for each other, esp. when there is an urge to criticize a mother for thinking of herself before her kids. There may be a story behind it that we didn’t see. That is why for all of the brouhaha over Jon and Kate, and believe me, I are not fans, I don’t get why people criticized Kate for being on that dancing show.
You know, everything in my gut tells me that Kate is not such a great role model, but I still – at my core – feel fundamentally sorry for her. I know she can afford all the help she wants, but the idea of raising eight kids alone cuts me to the quick! Believe me, if I were in her shoes, I’d be dancing with the stars – or even the extras!
I’m starting to get into this book. I really like the way she talks about building a village. I think that is so important for our kids. And I also like how she talks about giving. We are made happier when we give. I find a lot of this very spiritual, actually!
Kristen, I’m catching up on blogs after a long weekend – and wow, does this post hit home. Yes indeed, put on your own oxygen mask first.
Two points really speak to my heart. First, “it is never too late to become a happier person.” And happiness “as a collection of habits.” These two are so uplifting, so reassuring.
Man, I need to get a copy of that book! I wasn’t sure I wanted to join in the book club – since I’m not a parent and all – but wow, these topics are right up my alley.
To be honest, Eva, I am applying most of the advice I learned in the book to myself rather than to my kids. Not to say that it isn’t ultimately a parenting book – it is – but I’m still at the stage where I need to work on my own “happy” before I can take care of that of my kids.
Kristen,
I think this is my absolute most favorite post of yours ever and by far! Phew. I know, I tend to be a bit dramatic. But this is what I loved…I loved the mix of vulnerability with wisdom. That you shared a piece of you and your world at home with your boys and managed, of course, to tie it into the beautiful wisdom of Carter’s book. I’m enthralled with the first chapters. I know I owe you and your readers my own thoughts…but this is the problem: my brain doesn’t function anymore. Something happened a few months ago and things went kaput.
But not kaput enough to tell you that this post is a favorite of mine. Reading about how the wisdom relates to your own life is how I relate to the wisdom even more.
Thank you so much, sweet friend. My experience reading and rereading this book is giving me all sorts of revelatory moments. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post where I muse on another big one.
I’m glad I stumbled onto this post today. Even though I tried so hard this year to be more reasonable about my Christmas expectations (in order to model simplicity and joy for my boys), here it is two days before Christmas, and I’m feeling like a (rubber) chicken with her head cut off! There’s so much to do…so little time!
But your post helped me prioritize. And when the boys wake up today, even if I’m cleaning or cooking or wrapping or ironing, I’ll be smiling (and I think a little holiday music might be necessary)…and tomorrow, on Christmas Eve, I intend to have gratitude for what I managed to accomplish…and I’m going to say it’s “good enough.”
And tomorrow, I may just go get myself a Christmas pedi :)
“Good enough.” What a great mantra. It reminds me of one of the sayings I tell myself over and over: “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” (Hat tip to Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project for that one.)
And may I please come with you for your pedi? One of my favorite treats! :)
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