Today it is my pleasure to welcome my buddy Liz of …but then I had kids to Motherese for a neighborly chat.
I met Liz – like so many of my other favorite blogging buddies – through Momalom’s Five for Ten and I have been greedily devouring her posts ever since. The word that first comes to mind when thinking of Liz and her writing is real. Whether she is writing about the roller coaster ride of parenting or flimsy underthings, her authenticity shines through. Thanks, Liz, for sharing your voice with us here today.
Please check out Liz’s guest post, leave her a comment here, and then go and visit her at her place.
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Parenting is NOT an Olympic Sport
While sitting on the sidelines of my 4-year-old’s soccer game this Saturday, I was eavesdropping on two moms talking. (Yes, I was eavesdropping. And don’t pretend like you don’t do it, too.)
I was fascinated by how the conversation developed. It went straight from “Hi, I’m so-and-so” and “Which is your kid?” to “Well, I do a curriculum with him at home, and it really is the most sound of all those available out there.”
Curriculum? At home? How could you be talking about curriculum when you just met? I mean, you just met! What happened to the weather? Nice shoes? How long has your kid been playing? You know: small talk?
This mother went into an incredibly detailed and lengthy explanation of all of the curricula she had purchased for her 4-year-old and how long she spent researching the different ones out there and how they use a phonics one and a math one and a thinking one and it’s all very organized and structured and scheduled throughout the day.
Whaaaaat?
Now, I’m a teacher. I’ve been one for 13 years. I even have a background in early childhood. I take education quite seriously. I know all about curriculum. I know the importance of a good foundation. My kid is in preschool. But there was something about the way this woman was throwing the word “curriculum” around when talking about her 4-year-old that made me want to cry. Her face was pinched. She was very serious-looking. Focused. Intense. Kinda scary. Something told me that this little boy wakes up every morning with his Mommy to face a day filled with objectives and word lists and tasks. There was no mention of library time. No talk of snuggling with stories. Museum visits. Coloring. Play. But that c-word came out at least 8 times in 3 minutes.
I don’t understand these parents. It’s almost as if parenting has become a competition. I know women who started looking into preschools when their kids were infants, for fear of being left out of “the good ones.” I’ve been warned that if I want my kid to be able to compete in sports, he has to start soon. He can’t miss a season. He can’t try other things. He needs to “specialize.” I know parents who are running their children ragged with schedules fuller than their own: ballet, violin, karate, tutoring. There is no time for play. There is no time to just exist. Parents are raising their children to live the same kinds of hectic, harried lives they do.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I had read about playing classical music for my growing baby. I was skeptical, but as tired as I was, I’d use any excuse to sit around, a set of stretched out headphones on my belly, rocking some Baby Mozart. I figured, it couldn’t hurt, right? But now, I’ve seen ads in magazines for stuff categorized under “prenatal education.” Are you frickin’ kidding me?!? I thought that woman on the soccer field was bad; you can buy a curriculum for your embryo!
I just don’t understand the urgency, the stress. “I just want to give him every advantage possible,” I heard her say. The other mom nodded emphatically, and I wondered if she was thinking “I wish this woman would let me watch my kid play” or “I can’t believe I am so behind on little Johnny’s curriculum!”
My question is: An advantage over what? The other 4-year-olds in the block center? Or does she think that somehow, this magical curriculum she is using now will get her kid into the best college?
I want my kid to be smart. I want him to do well. I want him to get ahead in life and be successful. But mostly, I want my kid to be happy. And nice. Is there a curriculum for that? ‘Cause I figure I have plenty of time for academics and instruction. Right now, I want to make my 4-year-old laugh and play and learn about how not to hurt other people’s feelings and how to make friends and how to be a friend. I want to read the next chapter in his latest superhero book at bedtime and watch him as he figures out that if his little brother gets 2 of his cookies, then he is left with 2 also. I want to be his Mommy. I do not want to be his teacher.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I am also a teacher and a mom, so I can really relate to what you are saying. I get so frustrated with these moms who put so much pressure on their children from such a young age. What happened to… just simply being a kid? What happened to… playing? It’s no wonder that some children end up hating reading and school for the rest of their lives!
Thanks for a lovely post.
I agree, Tracy. In our quest to educate them more, we end up often turning them away from education simply because of the “drill and kill.” I never had a phonics kit or a word card growing up, and I loved to read and did it quite well from an early age! Imagine that!
Rock ON, Liz. Parenting is NOT an Olympic sport. I completely agree. I hear (eavesdrop on) similar conversations from time to time, and I have the exact same reaction as you. Happy and nice kids with a happy and nice mommy is enough for me, too. Thanks for this!
Some parents think that if they don’t keep their kids involved it will someway translate into
not getting into a top school or being successful in life. Kids should be busy when they are 16 so
they can stay out of trouble and be up to snuff for college admissions not atnage four. Many
of these moms I assume are just trying to be over involved. Having their kids doing
so much makes them feel relevant and useful. It’s how they get satisfaction. Their children however are not so much happy with
this plan.
“It’s almost as if parenting has become a competition”
Oh my gosh, you summed up my feelings perfectly. While reading your post I wanted to laugh but I was horrified at the same time. I just can’t socialize with parents like that. I enjoy being a mom and I enjoy watching my kids be kids. It’s a beautiful thing. Great post and very nice to meet you Liz!
Amen, Liz. Now that I have one almost out of elementary and one on her way to preschool, I’m much more protective of their “play” years. Let them enjoy being young and free rather than using them to show how brilliant YOU are. It’s so much better for everyone.
I guess some parents just need validation of their parenting skills, and the best way they know how is through the success of their kids. At that point, good intentions or not, it’s no longer about the kid; it’s about what they can proudly claim on the playground and playdates. And that’s just sad.
amen…from another teacher and a mom. I so agree…but I still sometimes feel guilty that I am not doing enough to get him ready for school. thanks for the reminder that he is just 4. (mine too)…and that they all usually catch up eventually.
Jen…yes “happy and nice kids”…why isn’t there a curriculum for that? That’s all I want. That’s what every mom should want!
Wes & Kelly & JT…I think you guys hit the nail on the head:
“Having their kids doing
so much makes them feel relevant and useful. It’s how they get satisfaction. ”
“Let them enjoy being young and free rather than using them to show how brilliant YOU are.”
“it’s no longer about the kid; it’s about what they can proudly claim on the playground and playdates.”
I think the parents do this for themselves…sometimes I think almost as an insurance policy…as in: “How could my kid (fill-in-the-blank)?! I did everything!” The scary thing is that sometimes it can all backfire completely.
Erica…I can’t socialize with parents like that either, and sometimes I think maybe I’m being judgmental..which is SO NOT what I want to be. But I can’t help it. I can’t relate to this talk.
Michelle…Oh, don’t misunderstand…I admit it. I still feel guilty sometimes. Sometimes I have to catch myself from doing this exact thing! I slip, believe me. And then it’s Hubby who has to be the voice of reason with “He’s only four…” It’s scary, because of course, we want to do what’s best for our kids. We want to give them everything. And it’s hard not to wonder if they’re missing out on something.
How do these parents have the time and money (let alone the sanity) for curriculum, violin, soccer, karate, etc.?? Most days, it’s all I can do to work on the happy and nice part … “Yes, we’re going to share; no, we’re not going to hit; yes, let’s at least try the broccoli …” It’s just as you said, I’m not the teacher, I’m the mom. That’s the role I signed up for and am learning the “curriculum” for as I go!
Stacia, you make me laugh. I thought it was just my kids, being part of a double-teacher household, that miss out on all that stuff. I can barely afford one season of soccer at a time!
I have so many memories of my mom saying, “It’s my job to keep you alive.” As I raise my girls in this overscheduled, hyper-gadgeted world I feel like my job is to make sure they have a childhood. Dirt under their nails, skinned knees and the magic of every 5th time actually buying ice cream from the ice cream truck. I want to show them how to revel, respect and explore. Hopefully they’ll learn something along the way.
Loved this post!
I’m grateful to the call-out by Amanda (above) who’s tweet inspired me to visit. This was exactly what I needed to read today. Gratitude for your wise words. (They are just guests in my life.)
Scary view into what parenting can become, Liz! It’s well-intentioned, the use of curricula (as that mother called it over and over), but the wonders of discovering through play — workbooks and flashcards can’t take the place of that.
We intentionally picked a preschool that worked on socialization and play skills over academics. There will be plenty of time for that later on.
In my view this is about the monetizing of insecurity. When we were younger adds focused on our fears of bad breath, bad skin and body odor to sell us stuff. Parents love their kids and are at the same time deeply insecure (this is pretty universal to us Western humans, it seems). Thus parents are falling victim to carefully targeted marketing.
Just as early walkers, say at 9 months instead of twelve, or even “late” walkers at fourteen months do not turn out to be better walkers as adults, all this over-preparation for an ever-extending future of success, happiness and iron-clad security is a side-effect of capitalism.
If there was no money in insecurity, the hype that keeps fueling it all would calm down and with it, the over-wrought parents would calm down.
My vote is compassion for the over-achieving (and secretly paralyzed with anxiety) parents—they give their bad and nervous feelings away, but it is unconscious. You weren’t so much eavesdropping as being broadcast to.
It’s nice that you’re a teacher—that gives you an advantage in understanding that the good of the group counts for something, and connects with our own capacity for happiness as members of the group.
So true! I actually feel sorry for these kids that just don’t get to be a kid! What is so important? Life is WAAAAYYY too short for our kids to be stuffed into these regimented, stressed out lives.
Thanks for telling this story. It happens everywhere and I know I’ve felt guilty because I HAVEN’T been that kind of hyper-focused parent and wondered if my kids were going to suffer. All in all, my kids are turning out pretty OK. They may not be rocket scientists or super-athletes, but they sure do have fun and are happy! Thanks for reassuring me!
It was so great to see everyone’s comments and thoughts on this. Kristen, it has truly been an honor to be here.
This blows my MIND, truly. I can’t even fathom the mindset of a parent who would set their child on that sort of rigorous path.
Today my 3.5 y/o picked out a preschool phonics-y type book at the bookstore. I bought it for him because he seemed to really want it, but I did kind of cringe. After we bought it, we went to the park.
I want his childhood to be a childhood. period.
Ah… competitive mummying.. drives me nuts! When SC started school all the mums in the playground were on about which clubs they were booking their kids into. I thought how about just letting them settle in for a couple of terms first. Funnily enough, most of them I talked to have now taken their kids back out because they’re too tired… duh! Great post and love Kristen’s blog xx
So glad that Kristen has introduced us! I suspect I’m going to like your blog and I’m looking forward to clicking over to visit.
Sometimes I feel that stress creeping up, that pressure from other parents who try to do it all for/with their kids. I’m not good at it, I’m a go-with-the-flow, let’s relax and hang out kind of mom. It’s obvious what parents hope to achieve with this approach, but I wonder if they ever stop and think about what they are missing with it. I suspect not.
This reminded me of those commercials “your baby can read!” Oy.
Love this post. Thank you.
Competitive parenting is ridiculous. MY BABY CAN READ! Okay, and? My baby can pick up two rocks at one time (one for each hand) and occassionally tries to sneak a quick bite of one.
But, seriously, I would rather be around parents like this than parents that just don’t try. I have been around too many parents who seem to care less about how their child is doing in school or what their child is doing unsupervised.
Parenting is the most important job we will ever have. Understandably, there is pressure and stress that comes with it. When I see parents pushing their kids more than I think they should I feel compassionate and understanding. I feel sad for these children, yes, but it is often the result of parents trying to do everything right for their child.
Privelege of Parenting makes a wonderful point about the way in which parents’ insecurities play out in how ‘they’ (okay, ‘we’) raise our chilren.
I cannot agree more with you. I’m dumbfounded as friends of mine are enrolling their not yet four year olds in whole day preschools that teach no less than five subjects a day. It’s insane, and can’t be good for the kids in the long run.
I hate to feel like my kids are going to be at a disadvantage because of my parenting choices, but that’s almost what many people are saying. I still don’t buy it.
Yes absolutely. It’s too much pressure to put on such a small person.
I also worry about the pressure it puts on mothers too. We have similar competitiveness amongst mothers here in the U.K, and I see a lot of my childrens friends mothers running themselves ragged – driving here there and everywhere – having no time in the evenings or weekends for themselves and for what? To try to manage a deep seated fear that their parenting might not be good enough?
It’s such a shame I think – no-one wins.
I don’t know if it makes me feel better or worse to know that the competition between parents isn’t a phenomenon particular to North America.
But I think you’re absolutely right: no one wins. Not the kids. Not the parents. I wish we could all call a truce in this pointless game.
So true. Parenting HAS become a competition, and it’s not about the kids…it’s about the parents, which is the saddest part of all. I’ve written before about the sports thing, and specializing, and how stressful that is, because that’s a reality of our life with three boys in competitive sports, and it’s something I strive to counter every day. And the curriculum? Ridiculous. Let kids go outside and play, use their imaginations, and be in charge of entertaining themselves at least most of the time! I hope the other woman was thinking, ‘shut up and let me watch my kid kick around a ball’.
This is such a well-written post. Thank you! Coming from Taiwan, I know some competitive parents… The amount of money people throw at all sorts of prep schools for the very young is astounding. People ARE afraid of not giving their children a leg up esp. if it seems everybody else is doing it. Because high school entrance admissions now reportedly look at grades from all classes now, I was told that it’s quite popular to send your kids to arts/drawing and sports “cramming schools” in addition to classes for math, English, etc. etc. It is insane. I would hate to see this country becomes like that too. *shudder*