Today it is my pleasure to welcome Becca of Drama for Mama as my latest guest in the Won’t You Be My Neighbor series. (Thanks again to Amy of The Never-True Tales for initiating this wonderful meme.)
At Drama for Mama, Becca crafts posts so resonant to me that I often feel like she’s plucked them from my heart. She writes beautifully about her life with her husband, Tim, and her children, Hannah and Luke, and muses on such meaty topics as guilt, worry, and ski slope fashion. Becca is the girlfriend you wished lived next door – in the “real” world and not just the bloggy one.
Thanks, Becca, for sharing this piece with us today. And happy belated birthday. Here’s a little birthday cake for you.
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Connected
I’m sitting here on the couch, warm laptop in my lap, fingers on the keys, pondering the topic for the post I’m committed to writing tonight. For the past hour I’ve been reading some of my favorite blogs, commenting on them, answering emails and giggling at some tweets I came across.
Then Hannah (who has been sitting next to me watching her pre-bedtime-routine television) turned to me and said, “Mommy, why can’t we remove our nose from our face?” I looked at her with I’m sure an exasperated look and asked her if she was serious. “Yes, mommy.”
“Do you really think it should be possible to remove your nose Hannah?”
“Well, no, but I’m just wondering what makes it so that we can’t?”
I went on to answer her best I could (something about muscles and cartilage and skin connecting the nose to the rest of the face) but I know I had a snappy tone about me.
She looked satisfied with the answer, but not with me.
“What are you doing mommy?” she went on to ask as she crawled halfway on top of me, with her face directly in front of the computer screen.
“Writing my stories, sweetie, the ones I write all the time.”
“But who was that girl that was on your computer before?” she asked. She was referring to the latest post from one of my new favorite blogs A Design so Vast which has a picture of her daughter at the start of it. I hadn’t realized Hannah was looking over my shoulder at it.
“Oh, I was reading a story that a friend had written.”
This led to questions regarding this friend, her daughter, where they live, why she hasn’t met them if they’re my friends, etc. It’s hard enough explaining this “world” to my husband let alone my four year old daughter.
“Can you read it to me?”
“No, I don’t think you’d really enjoy it. It’s a big person story.”
“I like all stories mommy, PLEASE read it to me? Or one of the ones you’ve written? Can you read one of those to me?”
Funny how one of the only people in my real life who WANTS to be a part of this world is too young to understand it.
It made me think about how “connected” I am all the time through my blog, other blogs, Twitter, Facebook, Email, etc. But how disconnected it often makes me from what is right in front of me. I wondered how long Hannah had been looking at my computer, imagining who the people were on the screen, trying to sound out some words to make sense of it all. She didn’t ask me for my attention, but, I realized, she probably wanted it.
And it’s not just Hannah that this world disconnects me from. It’s Luke when he’s sprinting around in the basement with his cars and balls and every time my iPhone buzzes, I turn to look at it. It’s Tim when he gets home from work and I’m so desperate for some down time where I can turn to this world and get lost for a short time. I see how my parents look at me when I am scrolling and tapping on my phone throughout a visit to their house to see what’s “going on” on Facebook and Twitter. Someone emails me… I respond. I know they wonder what could possibly be so important. It’s not like I “work” or anything and have important business to tend to. It’s just how I feel “connected”.
I haven’t read a magazine in months. I don’t pick up the phone very often to chat with friends (except a key few who I’d be lost without hearing their voices). I don’t watch any TV. I’d rather connect here. So much effort goes into the “reconnection” after not having spoken to a friend in a long time. But here, it’s easy. It’s safe. It’s not confrontational. There’s no BS. There’s no one-upmanship. And if there is, I can skim over it.
I don’t want to become disconnected though. I don’t want the only warmth that Hannah feels as we lay next to each other on the couch, to be the warmth from my laptop.
I’ve had the discussion often with friends that the way “kids” communicate these days is scary. There is so little face-to-face social interaction. Everything is through tweets and texts. Kids aren’t learning how to “be” with each other. They have short attention spans. They don’t know how to form complex thoughts because all that is required is 120 character tweets. They are behind closed doors and in front of dimly lit screens.
What my friends and I have not discussed however, or maybe we’ve avoided it, is that it’s not just kids. With the ease of connection so many of us have become strangely disconnected. Especially when those closest to us are so removed from this world.
My best friend, my husband, is not my friend on FB (he’s no one’s friend since he doesn’t have an account), he does not follow me on Twitter (again, no account), he only reads my blog if I ask him to (and then only sometimes does he actually read it) and has absolutely no interest in the other blogs I read. It’s a big part of my world that he’s completely disconnected from. He understands it’s my “thing” and doesn’t feel the need to partake in it.
How often do we see parents out and about with their kids but totally not with their kids as they type away on their Blackberries? I watch kids searching for eye contact, attention and enthusiasm from their parents as they explore at the children’s museum near my house only to find their full attention on the PDA in front of them. It’s not what a day with the kids is supposed to be.
And at the same time I see families out to dinner with their kids on their Gameboys. Disconnected. Quiet and well behaved, but not “there.” I choose not to bring my kids out to dinner, which one could debate is just as disconnected, or more, but if I’m with them… I hope that they’ll be “with” me.
There’s no right or wrong here… and you may find me in the not so distant future sitting at dinner with my two kids both on iTouches. If you do, please don’t judge!
I keep telling myself I’m going to have “black” hours during the day where I do not pick up my iPhone. I do not check in on my computer. Where I’m just me. I need to do that. I need my kids to see that I can be 100% “there.” I hate that I feel the need to always be connected. And I wonder if Hannah only asked me about the removal of noses to get me to pay attention to her and “be” with her. Because really, she couldn’t have been serious about that question, could she?
Image: Birthday Cake by Sweet! Cupcakes and Treats (Just Cupcakes!) via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
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{ 63 comments… read them below or add one }
This post so resonated with me. My husb is the same: not on Facebook. Not really on Twitter even though he has an account. The need to be connected all the time. The guilt. (Well, I am definitely guilty as charger re. checking BB while at dinner with kids. I do make a conscious effort to only look at it when say they make a potty run…) I’d like to propose a question (sorry, no answer from me as usual…) that extends from this phenomenon: Do our husbands not feel the need because they are getting enough social interactions from work with their colleagues? Do they feel that their minds have been shared and listened to enough that they don’t need a virtual audience to feel that they have been heard? (Ok, this last one is what I have gathered as why I am so obsessed and enamored with the interweb. It may not apply to everybody else… ) Apology for rambling. Tis 5:15 am and I haven’t gone to bed yet. Saw this post in my inbox, read it (procrastination since I hate what I am working on now) and it really struck a cord.
I definitely think that if I had more interactions with people in person throughout the day, that I would have less need to interact on line. Definitely. I get lonely during the day. My real life friends are busy, like me and we just don’t have time to chat. This is my outlet. These are my friends who are around. It makes me feel a PART of something. Something that I think my husband finds elsewhere outside the house. GREAT comment! Thanks!
Husband definitely gets a lot more grown-up interaction in his work day than I do, but I think he doesn’t necessarily need that sense of outside connection in quite the same way.
I don’t want to over-generalize and call this a female phenomenon, but, among the women I know, there is more of an urge toward deep friendship – and, obviously, many of us are finding the conversations and connections we crave in this online world.
I suspect most of us who will stop by, read and comment today will say, “Of course! We know exactly how this goes,” because obviously we do. I think about it often, there are so few moments when I am not connected, my iPhone is always within reaching distance, I tweet, I facebook, I blog, I read e-mail. I get the eye rolls from my friends, my parents, it’s beyond the point of ridiculous. But it brings me so much. It’s the root of that that I think deserves thinking about. Why do I get more sometimes from the virtual world than I do the real world? Is it more about breaking down distances so that we can connect with people who are more like us or is it more a place to hide. I see my 3yr old giving me eyeballs sometimes when I’m playing on my phone, or scooting over to the computer for a quick moment. It hurts, I often ask myself what kind of mother am I that I tap into this world and out of the real world so often. Gosh, I could go on and on about this. This is a great post Becca. I’m going to be checking back all day to see what others say. (Secretly I’m hoping for that great comment that says, don’t worry, it’s okay that we are so into the virtual world)
I don’t think we should look at this as a place where we hide. At least not for me. I am so involved in this world because it brings me comfort, friendship, a place to commiserate and feel more “normal”. This is such a hard time in so many of our lives. Many of us have young children and we feel held captive in our homes as stay at home moms or working moms without a break! My real life friends are wonderful but so often unreachable. These on line friends may not be immediately reachable but at some point during our days we find the time for one another. And we have so much in common or we have gone through already what someone else is going through now. And as much as all this makes sense, I still feel bad. Awful really. That I’m so often disconnected from those in the room. Mainly the little ones who are vying for my attention All The Time.
Another point is that I feel sad sometimes that I don’t think my husband would be so interested in what I’m writing about. Or reading about. Why is that? Maybe it’s because I’M going through so much more than he is as he’s at work all day? I’m not sure but I plan on broaching that topic with him too! Thanks for the comment!
Great post, Becca. Odd, because a dear friend of mine who I reconnected with online has informed me that he will not be online much anymore. This is good for him but interesting for “us.”
Another thing I will say is my connectedness online allows me to keep in touch with my children. Since I am at a different point in my life, my children are half elsewhere and half close by or in my house. They pop up on my IM or Twitter or Facebook. They tell me what is going on or ask me questions. Sometimes, I think this is too much connectedness for the “mom” in me but I am happy they feel able to confide in me.
Thanks Nicki. I love this perspective. Your children are now at an age that this world is keeping you MORE connected instead of less from them! Without these new means of communication, you may be less involved in their lives. I think that is WONDERFUL. Thanks for showing me that I have that to look forward to!
Becca, you raise such important questions that have been lurking at the edge of my mind. First, how much I love to connect with my blogging friends, so much so that I find myself sneaking 10, 15 minutes at a time away from my husband. Second, how supportive we are to one another online – which is sometimes in stark contrast to how women treat one another in the real world.
And third, how to fit this world into my day in a happy, balanced way. When I first started blogging, I got up earlier in the mornings to write my posts and read my favorite blogs. But now I’m lost my discipline on that. I need to think about this and try to get back into a routine that works – instead of stealing time here and there.
Thank you for this!
Why is that women are so much more supportive on line than in the real world? Is it because we have found this niche where we have so much in common with one another? Is it because we aren’t competing with one another for anything? Interesting.
And I totally agree that if I could find a block of time each day to take care of all of my blogging, reading blogs, and tweeting, it would help my situation tremendously. It’s just like reading emails… if you respond to each one immediately, it’s much less efficient than if you do it three times in chunks, throughout the day. I think my husband and kids would appreciate that more too!
Thanks Eva!
Great point about the different ways women seem to treat each other in this community and in the real-time community.
I wonder if it has something to do with the ability here to click away from someone who isn’t being supportive or who seems catty and negative. Turning your back on someone in real life has much bigger consequences that simply stopping reading someone’s blog or tweets.
I struggle with this, too. Although I was always pretty high in the distracted column. Before blogs there was TV, magazines, sudoku puzzles, computer games, and a lot more books.
The key for me has always been to pull against the distractions and connect with my family. I don’t think it is a bad thing that my distractions are more connected to other humans than before.
As long as I don’t let it consume me all the time
(which is a balance I’ve always had to find and have never been perfect at). When I see it happening I stop and play with the kids or go for a walk or read them a story and don’t get back online till they’re in bed.
it is good that these distractions are at least helpful to us! I do tell my husband that I’m a happier person because of this blogosphere. I’m just not sure he gets that and it may hurt his feelings actually! For me it’s actually more than just a distraction. It brings me somewhere else so that it’s almost as bad as wearing headphones with music while in the room with my kids. I’ll notice that Hannah has said “mommy!” three times before I even realize she needs me when i’m reading or writing… it’s bad. And that’s when I shut it all off and give my ALL to her. Thanks Charlotte!
Just yesterday I was working on a post and Miss M. came up to me, asking a bazillion silly questions. I was, I’m ashamed to say, exasperated. And it came out in my tone of voice.
I carried that guilt around with me for hours. I also, after I finished that post, did penance and played 2 games of Candyland with her.
But I’m thinking that I, too, need to step away more.
I so hear you. I just want to yell, “Can’t you see I’m busy doing something important???”! But really, how important is all of this. At least for me, it’s not. I wouldn’t sit and read a book or listen to my iPod with them in the room and I should be able to put all of “This” away too… but I don’t. I fool myself into thinking it’s just a minute here and a minute there… but it’s so much more. I’m glad you at least did penance with a fun game. I hope you let her win!
My boys are teenagers so I never really thought about this topic from the perspective of having young children.
We have an unspoken rule about no texting during dinner, family gatherings, etc… It’s just understood. The boys are old enough to read my blog and they get a kick out of it. At least they tell me they do. My husband views my blogging as a hobby and a stress reliever. He views my bloggy buddies just as other girlfriends. He’s in contact with old shipmates on FB so it all balances out.
I definitely foresee issues in my future with phones, texting, etc during family time. And how will I be able to tell my kids to put it all AWAY if they see me doing it constantly? Yet another reason to not be so connected with them around! I have to set a good example! My husband also just views all of this as a hobby. A creative outlet. I’ve tried to explain it’s so much more but he doesn’t really get it. Even if he says he does.
I think we can all relate to this post so well. It’s a great reminder to seek balance, I think, because I do not want to lose that connection with what’s right in front (of my nonremoveable nose) but I also don’t want to lose this world in my computer. “Black” hours do help, I’ve found (I also have a policy of not going on twitter on the weekends). Small steps, but it does help me. It’s such a strange world these days with technology. We connect locally in different ways than we connect globally. So interesting.
I have just started trying to turn away from it all on weekends. Hopefully that will help some. But on Monday… I’m desperate to get back in touch! I’ve missed everyone!
Yes, it is a strange world, one that most likely will just get stranger.
Great post! I was just marveling to my husband about how connented/disconnected we are. And my 17 yr. old daughter was “discussing” a heavy topic with one of her friends thru texts. I asked, why don’t you just call her? And she rolled her eyes, “because this is so much easier.” Easier? I don’t get it.
That’s one thing I can’t do on line… discuss an important or heavy topic. Too much back and forth and something about hearing a VOICE is so necessary. Emails/texts/Im’s get misconstrued and read wrong. The phone in these cases I find so much more efficient and effective but I guess I’m old! To a 17 year old actually talking, must be exhausting!
We were at a children’s museum yesterday and I was shocked at how many people were texting or playing online as their kids were running around like crazy, trying to engage them.
I know I’m guilty of this at home, but I don’t have a fancy phone because I’m afraid I’ll be distracted everywhere I go. It’s bad enough that I’m addicted to checking my email and reader every ten minutes ;)
I saw the same thing at the museum near us. It was so sad. I felt so sick for the kids. That’s one place where I definitely put my phone away. Especially because if I take my eye off of Luke for even a second… he could be GONE! At home even, sometimes I’m in the kitchen reading Twitter and he’s in the family room and I hear a crash and I know , if anything ever happened and Twitter was to blame – I’d never forgive myself!
Like Corinne, I have resisted upgrading my woefully out-of-date cell phone package. I’m afraid of the temptation that would come with a Blackberry or iPhone.
Funny that you mentioned A Design So Vast. I, too, was reading Lindsey’s post last night and my 8-year-old daughter asked me who those people were! I explained that Lindsey is someone who I decided is my friend but she just doesn’t know it yet :) I kid. Sort of.
Oops- hit the enter button too early. Now about the actual post: Isn’t it hard?! I have a rule that I don’t touch the computer until after the girls are in bed. Lucky for me, it is an unspoken rule, since I obviously broke it last night. But this rule makes sense for me since I spend my entire day away from my girls at work. So to devote a whopping 3 hours per day to them is necessary and easy (and disheartening).
I should try to only go on line when my kids are asleep. Then it would just be Tim who suffers instead of all three of them!
So, here’s my question Celeste, does that fact that you have every day connections and interactions with people at work make you have less of a need to connect at home? I feel so locked up at home and Twitter/FB/blogging is my way of “getting out”. I just wonder if work satisfies that need for you at all? Thanks for the comment!
Yes, yes, yes. I work from home as a professional writer, so I’m writing all day — either for pay or pleasure or both. When my children play “I’m mama!” they invariably go put the laptop on their laps and pretend to type. Ugh.
However, I don’t spend much time on Twitter and I purposely do not have a smart phone, so when the office is closed (aka, the laptop is shut), I’m with them. And that always happens between 5-9 pm, as well as other times throughout the day.
It’s tough, though, because while my offline life is full of riches, my online life is pretty amazing, too. Finding the right balance will never be easy.
I guess it is all about balance. Balance between the offline and online relationships. I’m working toward finding the right balance because I know 100% of either one would leave me lacking in some way. I also don’t spend that much time on Twitter and marvel at those who do because i just don’t know how they find the time? I’m also not quite sure I have enough to say All Day Long!
Thanks for putting words to this — I’ve mulled over the exact conflict you describe for a long time and haven’t come up with a clear answer to where I fall on the spectrum of “connectedness.” My husband and I were only able to stay connected throughout our long-distance relationship because of the Internet and our cell phones. Sometimes I am afraid that we connect better over e-mail than we do in person — it’s how we learned to communicate with each other. We’re working on that, but I do find myself sometimes very happy to be left alone with my laptop after he’s come home from work. I wish it were not so because of the guilt it makes me feel — eight years of separation and I’m content to fall into the void that is my screen?
Then there’s that question of how to raise our (hoped-for) children in this world of texts and tweets. Neither my husband and I use these services, but just a six-year gap between me and my youngest sister makes all the difference in how we choose to interact with our friends. She texts and can’t maintain a social life without it because her friends insist on using texting as their primary way of communicating. Naturally, she doesn’t want to be left out. Will my children accuse me of stunting their social lives if I don’t give them text-ready cell phones by the time they start middle school? It’s a mildly frightening thought. If I give in, will they lose any hope of being able to socialize properly face-to-face with people outside their generation?
As adults who came of age before the Internet was so expansive, we have those skills. We use them in our communications within this community. I think, though, that this will be a very different place when our children are old enough to join it.
So many great points here. So many. I often feel like I communicate much better through writing because I don’t fear the immediate reaction to my words. I also can pause and think as I put my thoughts down on paper instead of having to speak without as much thought in between sentences. I like for someone to be able to ponder what I’ve written before they respond as well. I can definitely see how a written relationship can be easier in many ways than one in person.
I also sometimes would rather be quiet with my laptop than talking to my husband. He comes home from a long day at work and wants to talk to me. I am just ending a very long day with two kids and headaches or just excitement and want QUIET. I’m just not in the mood for chit chat or hearing Tim vent to me about his day. And I feel AWFUL about that.
I am scared to death about what the world will be like when my kids are old enough to have and use their “devices”. I don’t think kids know how to talk to one another anymore. They don’t have social graces, aren’t as polite and don’t feel the need to communicate the way we did when we were young. I think it’s sad.
Thanks for your comment!
Hey, I remember when you wrote this!! YAY!! I really have known you for a while! Now I just need to actually meet you! : )
Connected. Distracted. Those two words describe me well. I try to have my time with my kids when the computer screen is not tempting me. Yet, I feel myself pulled into it by seeing a new message, or a new post, or a new tweet. I am still trying to find balance. If you find it, will you let me know? I could use some tips. Thanks!
Yes, Amber! I will let you know if I figure it out. And I need to because I’m afraid by the time Hannah is six she’ll be wanting her own blog, iPhone and cell phone unless I put mine AWAY!
Becca – You just cut straight to the chase, don’t you? Thanks for this post. I’m walking away from it with more questions than answers. Why? Why do we care about what’s going on with cyber friends when real-world friends and family are right in front of us? I find it so ironic, since everything that happens on blogs, FB, and Twitter can be found out after the fact merely by clicking “older posts.” Conversely, the moments in real life are fleeting and cannot be recaptured once they’re gone. My family is young, and will face challenges of technology that didn’t exist when I was a child. I have no idea how I will navigate these waters. But I thank you for causing me to think about it.
Gale, as I mentioned in a few other comments, I guess I get more out of some of my online relationships than I do with my real life ones. I know it’s sad, but it’s true. I can’t get in touch with my local friends very easily yet, I can normally find SOMEONE online to help me out. Immediate Gratification. I guess that’s part of it for me. I even have a hard time talking to my husband during the day because he’s so busy so I turn to this world… and I feel connected. But you are so right… the real life moments are the ones that really matter and they are gone so quickly. And I miss some of them because my head is turned downward, looking at my screen.
It’s a challenge for me, but one that I will figure out! Thanks!
I think Gale introduces such an interesting idea: the immediacy of the online world can be an illusion since most of what happens is easily accessible through looking through archival posts or tweets. And it’s absolutely true that we can’t press rewind on a moment with our families and friends the way we can with our lives here.
Great point, Gale.
I love to write in my spare time and post the random musings, essays and photos to my blogs. But seriously, I agree with Gale. This stuff can be time consuming and there are so many other ways I’d prefer to spend my time than on the computer.
Although there are things I prefer to do than spend time on my computer, I always end up turned back to my computer or phone throughout the day. It’s a place I look forward to throughout my busy day. I cherish the relationships I’ve built here and hope to continue to see them grow. It’s become more than just something I like to do in my spare time. It’s now something I would truly miss if I stopped. But I need to find a balance… that I KNOW!
Thanks for your comment!
After reading this post this morning, I had to close my laptop and focus on my son for awhile; I could have written it.
I struggle finding a balance between the time I dedicate to connecting online, and the time I spend disengaged. While online, I can’t fully connect with the people around me, and I feel guilty about it. My son is two and when he runs over and tries to close my laptop, my heart breaks a little.
So, I try to limit my online time to when he is sleeping (with varying success).
The connections I have online are real and the value I get from writing and sharing and reading is really beyond measure.
Maybe this guilt/struggle is less about online vs offline than it is about moms feeling free to take the time to do something for ourselves that makes us feel good, entertained and connected to each other…
Yes, my kids do that too, try to close my computer. Or they just want me to read what I’m writing or reading to them. And it makes me sad too… but as you say, these connections ARE real and I value them immensely. But, I wouldn’t chat on the phone for hours on end with other friends I have with the kids begging for my attention, so I guess I shouldn’t be on line either.
And I think you make a GREAT point. This world is something for ME. Something I do for myself and makes me feel great. Maybe I should look at it the same way I do going to the gym… gym time is me time where I leave the house for a BREAK for me. I guess I should do my blogging away from the kids too if it’s something for ME.
Thank you for your comment!
What a fabulous post! No one in my family and most of my friends, they don’t care to read my blog or understand what it is that keeps me coming back – - writing, reading, commenting. And I don’t know how to help them understand.
It’s so hard isn’t it? I find it crazy that something that I am so passionate about, something I love so much I have such a hard time explaining. If you’re not involved in it, I guess it’s just hard to grasp! I try to compare it to things in my husband’s life but ESPN and Sports Talk radio just don’t cut it!
Hi Becca, great to see you over here at Kristin’s.
Guilty as charged except for one thing: when I pick up my kids from school I don’t answer my phone at all unless it looks like it’s an emergency. My after school time with them is very important, they normally have a lot of stuff to talk about and their really excited and it’s a good time to pick their brains!
And though I’m just as hooked on my BlackBerry as anyone else, one of the weirdest sights I’ve seen lately (and it’s pretty common now) is parents pushing strollers while talking on cell phones. I used to talk to my baby, saying all the words for everything we were seeing. Wonder what I’d be doing now if mine were small?
Good for you that you “shut down” after school. It’s really the time you’re kids need you most…. physically and emotionally.
I agree that it’s disconcerting to see moms pushing their strolles on their phones. I found that great bonding time and teaching time with my kids. I talked to them constantly as we strolled. I miss that.. the talking without any talking back! :)
I have been thinking this same thing, and I wrote about it on my blog, except mine focused on marriage instead of parenting. Both are equally important, though. I often tell myself I am not fully in the moment with my kids because I’m pausing every few minutes to get on the computer. I just put my baby on a play mat, then I went to get the laptop so I could peruse while she plays. But she wants my attention. (She’s now on my lap. I’m going to get a muscle cramp from trying to type. But I’m still doing it. See?) My son also wants my attention. I’ve tried to tell myself they are my primary job here, not blogging, but blogging makes my primary job so much more bearable. (Hey, at least we’re not alone, right?)
yes, this world does make the parenting job so much more bearable. So much less lonely. But, I guess I should think that it’s making my kids that much MORE lonely seeing me looking at this screen instead of at them. I love knowing that I’m not alone. Thank you!
This is wonderfully expressed, and I love that Hannah asked about her nose. It may have been both to get attention, and a reasonable (4-year old) question. (I used to adore the odd things my kids came up with. I only wish we didn’t lose that wide open sense of the world that comes with early childhood.)
Re connection to our devices – I think we all worry about this now. My kids are teens, and they’re on their cell phones or computers a fair amount, but they spend TONS of time face-to-face. To a certain extent, the time I spent watching TV as a kid / teen, is the time my teens spend on their devices. Is that so bad? Maybe better, even?
I stay fairly connected, but go whole stretches of many days (like today) disconnected for 4 to 6 hours or more. A matter of both circumstances, and relatively few devices (semi-dead unsophisticated cell phone, and semi-dead laptop).
It’s also a choice.
You can’t possible be “present” all the time for your kids. It’s hard enough to be around them, when you’re a FT mom. Let’s be real here. That doesn’t mean we don’t adore them and turn ourselves into pretzels to make the world right for them, but 24/7 “presence?” We’d all lose our minds.
This community – our adult connections – I think it’s what MY mother had in the 1960s – but the other mothers (there weren’t fathers around then) were physically next door, down the street and accessible on the yellow princess phone, or sitting around the table in the pine paneled kitchen with coffee, while we kids beat the crap out of each other, or colored, or watched tv, or wrote poems, or ran around from yard to yard.
We need both – human connection in the flesh – and adult connection of like mind. Writers, seekers, explorers, loving parents and partners – who accomplish all of that through our technology devices, because if we didn’t, in the world as it exists today, our isolation would be immense.
Thank you so much Wolfie for letting me feel that this constant connection with my computer is OKAY. You’re right, I couldn’t possibly be present at every moment with my kids. And just like I give them some time in front of the TV here and there as a mental “break”, I need one too.
Believe me, I’d RATHER be sitting around a table with all of the wonderful women I’ve met in this community instead of on my computer but I can’t find that here and I don’t have TIME for that either. I find it impossible to plan a girls night out these days and I feel like I have a girls night out every night here!
I grab my physical community when I can, but for now, I’ll settle for these connections I’ve found, in the moments here and there that I can grab. I would truly be lost without this.
Thank you for a great comment… one that makes me feel worlds better!
One more practical note:
Some of us are not as mobile as we might like, physically. Cell phones and texting allow us to parent (and do many other things, as do our computers) that we simply couldn’t do otherwise.
And with older kids – as Nicki said – cell phones are a way to keep tabs, respond to emergencies, and coordinate sometimes tricky logistics.
Then there’s the fact that my teenager called me on my cell an hour ago. From the bathroom. Out of TP. Does that qualify as an emergency?
I am laughing pretty hard at the TP and call on the cell but will say this: Most of my house stayed healthy by the sick 23 year old staying upstairs and either texting or IMing me when she needed something. You would think I live in a mansion and she couldn’t just yell and I would hear her.
Hysterical Wolfie! I sometimes text Tim from upstairs when he’s with Hannah and Luke is sleeping if I need him to do something with her and I don’t want to wake him up by shouting. So there’s another bonus of the times!
Becca, this is a tremendous and tremendously important post. Particularly for those of us reading because we are the people who need these words, who need to absorb them. I think about this dilemma, these thorny questions, literally all the time. On the one hand, this world is magical. It is. How else could all of us connect and commiserate and transcend geographical and existential divides? This world offers healthy doses of support and sanity and serenity in a world where we are all in danger of losing ourselves.
But the flip side. The ominous flip side. We are risking something. We are losing something. Every moment we spend here is one we are not “with” the living and breathing creatures whom we cherish. The ones who grab our legs and kiss our cheeks and ask us silly questions about the removability of noses.
So. I don’t pretend to know what to do about all of this. But I imagine a very good place to start is right here. Asking questions. Expressing fears. Opening up.
I simply loved this post. One of my all-time favorites. Thanks to both of you for this bittersweet and lovely Friday afternoon treat.
Thanks Aidan. The way you’ve put your comment really makes me realize that I need to simply decrease the amount of time I spend on here. I refuse to give it up. I refuse to not cherish my time here but it really doesn’t need to be So Much Time. It can be during naps. It can be after the kids are asleep and AFTER Tim and I have had a bit of time for us. It can be an outing for me on a Saturday to Borders while Tim has some quality time with the kids. I won’t be able to update my blog quite so often. I won’t be able to reply to every comment. I won’t be able to read my favorite blogs EVERY day. But I’m sure I’ll feel better about my time. I’ll feel less guilt. It will be quality time, not quantity.
Thank you Aidan for this comment. For some reason something clicked when I read it.
Let me just add soemthing little. This online world won’t bring you dinner when you are too tired from chemo, this online world can’t run their fingers through your hair and tell you they love you, this online world can’t stop by and just hold your hand through a difficult day. It just won’t. It is never going to be a substitute for the present world. One day you find your spouse has cheated on you and cannot figure out where you were or what you were doing: it was all online.
Yikes Joely… when you put it like THAT! Maybe you’re smart not having your own blog! You make some great points though… there are reasons we NEED physical, person to person relationships and you’ve listed some very large ones. But I also do need this online world… for the minute to minute, smaller reasons that occur far more often. But I hear you. I hear you when you say that this world can’t be everything and I don’t want to regret the time I spend here later, when my real life world has somehow diminished.
Thank you!
this connection is heaven sent. as a lonely writer I find that I can step out of myself into the cyber world. i need to write a story for Hannah on my blog, one that you can read to her, one that the two of you can share.
OH PLEASE DO! She loves stories more than anything in the world… and I’m tired of making up my own! And then I can spend the time reading your blog AND reading to her! Perfect solution! Thank you!
Kristen – Thank you so much for hosting me here. The cake was delicious and the conversation here even better. I feel so much less alone in this dilemma and am breathing easier knowing so many others feel the same way. And I think I have some ideas in my head as to how to move forward and feel better about it all!
Thanks again! xo
Becca, thank you for sharing this post with us. Clearly you hit upon a topic that resonates with so many of us as we try to find a personal balance in the equation of online life and offline life.
Your post and the marvelous discussion it generated made me do some real thinking this weekend. Post to follow!
Love this comment, and it speaks to a tension that I think animates many of our lives (as evidenced by the commentary!).
I also love that you refer to me as a friend – that’s how I think of you!
xo
I’m a firm believer that children need to learn how to play on their own, to use their imaginations, to resolve conflicts with siblings and friends independently. Sometimes, though, I wonder: Am I hiding behind this philosophy so that I can blog/e-mail/Facebook/connect more and not feel the guilt (or feel justified ignoring it)? I think as long as we keep asking ourselves the questions you have posed, Becca, we are doing something right.
I too think about these questions, and I’m starting to think that the blogosphere is, for some of us dreamers, or yearning to connecters (but in a certain manner), like a Through The Looking Glass World where we meet kindred spirits and find it equally “real” to the so-called real world.
The big limit we come up against is time… but there are credible minds who tell us that time is a sort of illusion. We fall into the rabbit hole of our on-line connections, seeking something that our souls seek as if in a dream, or like Orpheus navigating the underworld in the poignant search for Eurydice… not in a romantic sense but in an as-yet indefinable quest for something we will only understand if and when we attain it.
There is a sort of authentic connecting that happens here that affirms both our individual selves while building a feeling of community without conformity or loss of self, a safe and pleasing way to be part of the group for those of us for whom this doesn’t always work so well face-to-face (and it seems that there are plenty of us).
Finally, I think that we bloggers are in a developmental phase. We may find balance with it over time, but it’s feeding something at the moment that wasn’t fed elsewhere in a world that too often seems overly materialistic, phony and cruel born of misery.
Namaste
Marvelous post!
Good thought-provoking post.
It is easy for me to get distracted by something online and to miss something special going on with our twin toddlers. It is quite a balancing act.
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