On Tuesday, Big Little Wolf wrote about avoidance and procrastination as life strategies. Her post prompted me to reflect further on a conversation I had this weekend with Husband about how my taste in entertainment has changed and evolved over time.
I was a history major in college. At my school, junior history majors chose two semester-long seminars where we could firm up our knowledge of scholarly methods and investigate a topic in greater depth so that it might serve as the basis for the upcoming year-long senior essay.
The two junior seminars I chose? “Occupied Europe” - a study of the people who came under German conquest and occupation during the Second World War – and “Pan-Africanism and Black Nationalism” – an examination of black responses to persecution during and after the imperialist period. I eventually picked a topic for my senior project from the material of the first course and ended up writing my senior essay on the Hungarian regime that collaborated with the Nazis and the experience of Hungarian Jews during the Holocaust.
Within the history major, I chose to concentrate on human suffering. Uplifting stuff, no?
In my free time, I was similarly fascinated with the darker dimensions of humanity. I loved the Quentin Tarantino oeuvre; I knew the screenplay from Pulp Fiction by heart and its soundtrack blared through my first two years of college. I was drawn to fiction and memoirs by or about victims of abuse. Even my mainstream TV-viewing taste tended toward the bloody. I watched endless Law & Order marathons, never thinking about the depraved subject matter.
My, how times have changed.
Nowadays I just don’t have room in my life for depictions of violence. I cannot tolerate movies or TV shows* that feature abuse of any sort. A few years ago I sat down with Husband to watch Tarantino’s Kill Bill movies and became sick to my stomach shortly after the first film began. The torture scene in Casino Royale rendered the otherwise enjoyable movie unwatchable for me.
I also have a limited appetite for the awkward. I tear up when hearing a story about a kid not fitting in at school. My avoidance has gotten so severe that I sometimes have trouble watching comedy shows that feature cringe-worthy characters doing embarrassing things (see the behavior of Michael Scott in The Office).
These days, I suppose, I simply don’t invite the darkness into my life. I gravitate toward the beautiful and the light instead of the ugly and the gritty. Perhaps having children has made me that much more aware of the fragility and sanctity of life and I am no longer interested in imagining a life ending or being made miserable.
That’s not to say that I prefer the simple to the complex. I don’t. I love exquisitely-crafted books and movies about difficult and weighty things, but when the weight shifts from existential to physical suffering, I am likely to turn the page or change the channel.
Fast forward to Sunday night. Watching the Oscars with Husband and a friend, I realized that I had seen only two of the ten best picture nominees. In the past I would have made a point of seeing all of the most talked-about movies, but a lack of choice at our local cinema and my aversion to “difficult” forms of entertainment limited my choices. And the ones I did see – The Blind Side and the animated Up – had made me cry.
Imagine how I would have reacted to The Hurt Locker or, God forbid, Precious.
* Despite my general preference for kinder, gentler forms of entertainment, I did manage to watch all five seasons of HBO’s The Wire and will stand by my assertion that it is the greatest piece of art ever to be aired on American television. It’s brutal, heart-breaking, and brilliant: Dickens for the 21st century. Violent, indeed, but unflinchingly realistic rather than gratuitous.
Has your taste in entertainment changed as you’ve gotten older? Can you stomach fictionalized suffering?
Image: Light at the end of the tunnel by Least of These via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }
This is an interesting question. I used to watch films and tv all the time, and now I don’t at all. The only time I will see a movie is during a long plane journey. I think my taste in films has become darker. I used to quite enjoy a light weight romantic comedy, now I’d never waste my time watching one. Having kids and growing older has changed my viewing habits.
This is a good point: since I’ve gotten older and taken on more responsibilities, I don’t have much patience for a lot of the things I used to. When crafting this post, I thought mostly about the dark things I had given up, but actually I’ve given up some of the fluffier stuff too. I’ll occasionally see a romantic comedy with my girlfriends, but I don’t remember the last time I watched one on my own.
I guess when our time is limited, we prioritize – intentionally or inadvertently – the things we really want to keep in our lives.
I seldom see films. I have a friend who has quite the collection on DVD and he is always saying things along the lines of “in XYZ” to which I reply, “never seen it.” I have borrowed a lot of movies from him.
I did see “The Blind Side” but that is it for those movies that were nominated. And having seen one is about par for my course, even when there were fewer nominated. I did want to see “Avatar” and “Up In The Air” but didn’t. I only went to the movies three times last year – April with the girls to see “He’s Just Not That Into You,” Thanksgiving with the family to see “The Blind Side,” and Christmas by myself to see “It’s Complicated.”
Guess I better start renting some of those others as they come out on DVD. Definitely want to see “The Hurt Locker” but have a real aversion to war films.
I think this is a fascinating post. I, too, took on “darker” topics more easily when I was much younger. Everything and anything was equally “study-worthy,” especially if it had to do with human behavior, character, and psychology. Often, that involves suffering – and yes, triumph in the end, though not always.
As I got older, I lost any capacity or desire to read about or see stories involving suffering. It became most pronounced when I became a mother. The longer we’re around to see or experience real world injustice, pain, or hatred, the less some of us are willing to see it, even fictionalized. And as parents, realizing how vulnerable our children are, it becomes even less tolerable. In the real world, or on film.
Many movies I haven’t seen as a result. They may be the stuff of great film making, but not what I care to see and carry around in my head or heart. Intentional avoidance, because I cannot bear to see suffering.
Once again, BLW, you say much more succinctly and much more eloquently exactly what I was thinking when crafting this post: “The longer we’re around to see or experience real world injustice, pain, or hatred, the less some of us are willing to see it, even fictionalized. And as parents, realizing how vulnerable our children are, it becomes even less tolerable. In the real world, or on film.”
I’m in the exact same place as you described yourself–gravitating toward lighter, uplifting entertainment. (And as much as I love The Office, I cringe and even look away when Michael is on a roll!).
I’ve actually never been one to enjoy the darker films, though I’ve read my fair share of noir literature. And, for what it’s worth, I cried watching Up too!
I realize a large portion of what I watch is dark. In some ways, I’m afraid I’ve become desensitized to torture, malice, swearing. I love True Blood, Dexter, Deadwood, 24, Damages. And it seems cable networks try to outdo one another with the subject matter.
I’ll second your sentiment toward The Wire. Genious!
And I too hate the discomfort of socially awkward scenes. Oh, sometimes I almost have to leave the room with Michael Scott is doing his thing on The Office. I groan out loud and cover my eyes. Painful!
So glad to have found another fan of The Wire. Interesting that we both appreciated that show when our taste is otherwise quite different. Perhaps that speaks to the sheer genius of The Wire – or perhaps to the sheer genius of Eva and Kristen. ;)
I find the differences in human likes and dislikes on every aspect of life very fascinating. It amazes me how uniquely different we are. It is particularly noticeable among siblings who despite sharing genetic material and having mostly the same exposure to a particular environment are so different.
My entertainment tastes change more in relation to my emotions I’m feeling at the time. I’m just grateful we have a choice.
You make so many profound points in this brief comment: the evolution of taste among siblings and the gift of choice that we are lucky enough to enjoy. Thanks for bringing even more perspective to the conversation, Tracy.
I love darker books and movies (but hate gory violence and/or swearing). But they must also show the redemptive beauty of humanity. I like to examine and think about what it is to be human and mortal and live in this imperfect world but still have the divine in us. I have always been drawn to tragic books and movies. I read “the Pearl” in the 7th grade and “Tess of Duberville” in high school (to name a couple) so my taste hasn’t really changed much at all.
My husband, however, dislikes such books. After I had him read “the Kite Runner” and “the Road” he said he couldn’t read any more of those sort of books. When he reads about brutal beatings and suffering he (as an ER doc) has actual mental pictures in his head and remembering notifying family members of death isn’t a form of enjoyment for him.
How could I have forgotten The Kite Runner and The Road when writing this post?! You’re right: both are incredibly dark and yet I loved them. My relationship to The Road is actually a lot like my relationship to The Wire: I found both very painful to behold, but nevertheless fundamentally true and transcendent in a way few pieces of art are.
I am fascinated by your pull to consider “what it is to be human and mortal and live in this imperfect world but still have the divine in us.” I have to think more about that idea and consider the way in which I, perhaps unknowingly, use that as a standard for my own reading and watching.
By the way, Charlotte, I know you love Dickens. I would usually recommend The Wire whole-heartedly to a fellow Dickens fan, but I will warn you that there is graphic violence and abundant cursing. (Think Little Dorrit produced by HBO and set in a Baltimore ghetto.)
I couldn’t bring myself to see Precious, either. I read the book and almost threw up, it was so disturbing. I did see the Hurt Locker and it’s a-MA-zing, but I stumbled around in a haze for a day or two afterwards.
Reading The Road almost did me in. That sucker was WAY too bleak for me. I’m with you–once you have kids, there’s stuff that’s just too hard to stomach.
Ever since Saving Private Ryan I haven’t been able to watch a realistic military movie. I cried for days after that movie. How could anyone live through something like the D-Day invasion and then eventually go back home to resume their lives? That was a realization I couldn’t have had as teenager. But as a mother and a military wife the movie affected me very strongly.
To answer your question, yes, my overall entertainment tastes have changed over the years. I believe our preferences change with our life experiences. I no longer want to watch the horror movies and psychological thrillers that I used to. The visual gore makes me change the channel. Even Stephen King novels don’t appeal to me any longer.
But at the same time the violence in Gladiator doesn’t bother me at all. I can’t even give you a good explination for that. However, I do sob at the end when Maximus dies and is reunited with his family.
I haven’t seen Gladiator in years and can’t remember how I felt about it, but there are also certain types of violence that I can handle. For instance, I love, love, love The Lord of the Rings trilogy – both the books and the movies – and it is filled with violence. Perhaps when the violence seems distant historically or is literally kept distant from the eye by the storyteller or filmmaker we are better able to stomach it?
Like you mentioned having kids really does change ones tastes. In early college I would have watched all the Oscar movies, watched the entire event (red carpet and all). SVU marathons were a must. Having a spouse who has gone through difficult situations of abuse may have an impact on my lacking desire in the violient or over sexual. One thing I have noticed over the years is not only has my taste in movies or tv have changed but also my musical prefrences. It used to be the popular stuff not it has shifted to quieter more artistic and more diverse offerings.
Thanks for stopping by, Wes, and taking the time to leave a comment.
Now you’ve got me thinking about my taste in music. I don’t think I would know a Top 40 song if it played through my iPod. (When I was still teaching high school, I did pick up some of it through osmosis.) Husband keeps me up-to-date on music, but in the alternative, folk, and folk-rock genres.
I have gotten to where I can’t watch high action/violent movies, much to upsetting to me, seems to take me days to get over them. I’ve resorted to not watching much tv or many movies.
Interestingly, I’ve had almost the opposite experience. For years, I would only read light, uplifting mysteries or suspense stories (even if there was a brutal murder, justice ruled in the end) and only liked Hollywood-happy-ending movies. Only as an adult, having known people who died, and having become a mother and known the excruciating love that makes your heart hurt, have I been able to read and watch stories of great anguish and pain–I read Beloved when my twins were only a few months old. I fell in love with Tess of the D’Urbervilles last year. I gobble up stories (both true and fiction) about mothers who survive the anguish of broken and lost children, I sit on the edge of my seat through movies like The Gangs of New York and City of God. That’s not to say I don’t still appreciate the light, and I too tear up while reading certain children’s books (and Puff the Magic Dragon? Ferget it! I can’t hear that song without weeping piteously).
Have you seen Peter Yarrow’s children’s book version of Puff? Definitely worth a check-out from your local library. (Yes, you will cry.)
I kind of thought I was alone in this trend of moving away from the disturbing. I’m sure it is the combination of having kids and growing older, but I am highly sensitive to so many things and this wasn’t always the case. I have never liked the archetypal ‘scary movie’ and joke that it is because it makes me feel stress inside and I have enough as it is! But now I can’t even watch crime shows.
But this, I feel, is a good thing. We become so desensitized with frequent exposure. I don’t like it. And I question why we are fascinated with watching or reading about terrible things.
Uncomfortable humor, on the other hand, is something I can’t get enough of. I feel that I am a bit awkward sometimes in my interactions and I absolutely love that others are, too. Even if they are fictional characters.
I’m so glad I read your post today. I haven’t thought about exploring this phenomenon in writing and appreciate that you did!
Thanks so much for your comment, Celeste. I especially appreciate your point about the way in which we can become desensitized to violence and suffering through frequent exposure.
I wonder if our culture is unique in this or if we’ve gotten worse over time. Being a former history teacher, I know ours is not the first society to have an obsession with the macabre, but, with the rise of torture-themed horror films and mixed-martial arts, I have to question if a switch might have been flipped – and, personally, how we might flip it back the other way.
I cannot stomach it. I made the huge mistake of seeing Shutter Island recently. I dislike going to movies which require two xanax afterwards to stop me from crying or obsessing about the dangers of this world.
BUT. I did see Precious. It was very, very good. And hard. But for me, maybe not as hard as watching the physical and gory suffering that is so popular nowadays. Especially when you are attached to the character. The thing about Precious is that there is a tiny glimmer of hope throughout the whole dark film. Somehow.
I’ve heard several people say this about Precious, that it is a dark tale whose brilliance comes, in part, from the interpolation of light. I just might have to see it. Is it a bad sign, do you think, that I could barely handle the clips they showed on the Oscar telecast? :)
Kristen – Thank you for this interesting and thought-provoking post. Husband and I didn’t watch the Oscars – in part because we had seen just one of the movies – Up In the Air. Oh how times have changed. We used to see one, maybe two, movies a weekend. I’m not sure whether my tastes have changed in any simple and identifiable way. I do tend to gravitate towards movies that strive to uplift rather than upset. Like you, I am attracted to complexity but not to suffering. I think growing up and having kids does change us – and profoundly. I think that I am so bogged down in the flux that I can’t quite see it though. Does that make sense?
Wonderful post. And I loved LBW’s post on avoidance too!
It does, indeed.
The only thing that I CANNOT watch now since having children are stories/shows/movies about death/dying/sickness. Because as you recall, I have a severe phobia about these things. But I still enjoy a good thriller, and have some strange fascination about topics involving the mafia and gangs for some reason. I can’t believe I’m admitting that! I guess it’s so unbelievable to me that it all exists and often right in front of my nose…
Precious is a movie I’m dying to see. I know I will cry through it but it’s a story I’ve heard is worth the darkness of it.
But, in the end, give me a good romantic comedy, one that I will laugh and cheer through… and I’m a happy girl and will have no regrets!
You know I think that may be a bad sign. You are a fully realized, wonderful intelligent woman. I think you can skip Precious and still be in touch with some of the darkest realities people in this country go through. Don’t see it if it fills you with dread. You may end up near hysteria like I was the other night after Shutter Island. I thought it was going to be supernatural and interesting. But there were too many murders of children for me to enjoy it at all.
Yes, murders of children are a deal-breaker for me as well. No, thank you, Martin Scorsese.
I don’t crave darkness, but I want to know other people’s reality because it is important for me to learn how people cope in their worlds. This post got me thinking about Slumdog Millionaire and how many people opted not to see it in India because it was “too dark”. In reality, the scenes portrayed in that movie were how some people really live in India. I think you have to define how you want spend your “entertainment” time – do you want to be reminded of things that resonate with your own life or do you want to just be immersed in an alternate reality?
Nice post. Thanks.
You make a great point and, the more comments I read, the more I realize that I do still let plenty of “heavy” entertainment into my life, but most of it comes through books rather than through movies. I wonder if I have a more sensitive visual sense than I initially realized.
I still haven’t seen Slumdog Millionaire, but I would like to. Or more precisely, I think I would appreciate it.
I used to be a Law & Order junkie, too: all the spin-offs, on all the channels. (Not as scholarly as most of your forays into violence but still … ) Now, I just can’t watch. Same for violent movies and books. If I have to see a movie like that, I have to read a spoiler beforehand so I can prepare myself. There’s so much violence, suffering, and unpredictability in real life, I don’t want my “escapes” to feature the same. I want happy, uplifting, inspiring. Maybe that makes me Pollyanna? Then again, that was a pretty sad flick, too …
Oh wow – here too. Used to LOVE Law & Order…same as @stacia. Now, I can’t handle any crime dramas…hell, any dramas at all where people are suffering or injured. We like to joke that all we can watch is romantic comedies. Oh, and Ninja Warrior. Interestingly enough, this has affected my husband too, and it’s definitely a post-kids phenomenon.
Thanks for your comment, Megan.
Yup, my husband too. Interestingly, the avoidance phenomenon affected him before it affected me, but now we’ve both got it. (He’s actually much worse than I am with the discomfort with awkward moments.)
I hadn’t even noticed this general trend for me until you so eloquently put it in a post. I sometimes wonder if, when we are younger, this darkness is so far away. We feel invincible, we haven’t known tragedy and difficulty and anxiety. So we don’t mind looking at it up close.
I know as I have gotton older, I have had to watch friends struggle, help someone die gracefully, and of course, had a love for my husband and children that is so deep you feel vulnerable in new ways. So I don’t want to go there in movies and other forms of entertainment any more. I don’t know if you remember the movie Babel, but the couple’s kids are essentially taken over the border by the nanny and I just remember saying to my husband: “I am not watching this” and we walked out. This is a long way of saying I AGREE, I AGREE and great post.
I am intrigued by the possibility of a connection between embracing darkness and the general sense of invincibility that younger people have. Then again, there seems to be a vocal minority here who are okay with the darker forms of entertainment even in adulthood – but I’m glad to know I’m not the only one transformed by age and/or having kids.
Tough question — I’d say it really depends on the film. In general, I’m definitely not a slasher film girl (never watched and never will watch anything like the Saw movies). Psychological torture also gets to me now (think: The Game). Combine the two and it’s a guaranteed no-no for me.
Oddly, though, the written word is easier for me to handle. Maybe it’s because I pay attention to the way the story is told in addition to what is being told (it’s that writer thing). There are no glamorous actors interpreting words for me; just the words on the page, one after another in their beautiful nakedness.
I’m realizing through all of these great comments that I have an easier time with the written word as well. In fact, I read lots of books that I would never want to watch as movies because of the violence or suffering they depict. (Prime example would be Cormac McCarthy’s The Road, which is saying a lot because I love Viggo Mortensen who plays the lead role in the film.)
More than I love Viggo, though, I love the way you put this: “There are no glamorous actors interpreting words for me; just the words on the page, one after another in their beautiful nakedness.”
funny, i’m the exact opposite. i’ve always gravitated to dark and continue to. i do find things where children die/are absconded etc harder to stomach but dark has never lost its appeal. The Hurt Locker? Bring it on…
Delia Lloyd
http://www.realdelia.com
I am the exact same way! I used to relish the dark, gritty stuff and now I gravitate towards the lighter and brighter. It’s odd, isn’t it, how not only our emotional but also our physical reaction to the dark stuff changes. You mentioned Kill Bill turning your stomach. I had a similar reaction to Law Abiding Citizen. I have to say, though, for me, it’s the dark, sinister, evil-oriented stuff that I can’t handle now. Hurt Locker and Precious, on the other hand, sat quite well with me (ok, maybe those are the wrong words – those stories should not “sit well” with anyone. By sit well I mean that they were resonant. They left me feeling alive and engaged not ill and depleted. I heartily recommend both of them, but especially Precious – difficult and weighty is exactly what Precious is, and it’s exquisitely done).
“Alive and engaged not ill and depleted.” Hmm…that’s a pretty good review. I’m considering…
I’m the same. I can’t watch any movie that’s going to be too depressing or violent, and if there just so happens to be blood and gore, I have to cover my eyes. (To be honest, I’m not very into guy-humor, either. I’m not so crazy about Judd Apatow.) Our bookclub almost picked Jon Krakauer’s book about a murder in the Mormon community (Under the Banner of Heaven), but we had to nix it once we read that it had graphic descriptions of an infant’s murder. (I wonder if he has kids?) I did like Kill Bill, though I can’t remember if I watched it before or after my son was born. And I agree with you about The Wire. Nothing has ever been on TV that is as amazing. I was also able to stomach the show because the violence isn’t gratuitous–it’s meant to explore the underpinnings of our society.
(I apologize because I still can’t figure out how to do italics for these movie/book/show titles.)
I am also not a big fan of Judd Apatow. I saw Knocked Up and didn’t get why a hard-working career woman would fall for a irresponsible shlub. (WordPress is telling me “shlub” is not a word. Oh well.) It seemed to perpetuate the odd fantasy put forth by so many sitcoms (everything from The Family Guy to King of Queens in which there is a definite mismatch between the female and male partner. I’m guessing the writers are male?
As for Under the Banner of Heaven, I read it – before kids – and don’t remember a baby being murdered. The evidence mounts: I am much more sensitive now that I am a mother.
I have never liked suspenseful movies… which often times are the gory ones… I can’t watch a full Hitchcock film without getting up or covering my eyes at least once.
The war movies… the horror stories… I could tolerate them before kids if I had to (with the above mentioned interruptions)
Now? Now that I have kids, and that it hits me that every one of those people are someone’s child?? Not a chance. We watched the Changeling… and I cannot even describe the way that made me feel. The horror, the emotion. Awful.
For me, it’s not the getting older that did it. Its the having kids thing.
Yes! Your comment just triggered a memory for me of watching HBO’s John Adams right after Big Boy was born. As a history teacher, I was riveted – right up until they tarred and feathered a British soldier. And the thought running through my head? “He is someone’s child!”
Once again, Corinne, you and I are on the same wavelength.
I’ve only seen Blide Side and Up as well. :) Loved both as well!
I think what happens once you have kids is that your time is so limited and you want to be fully entertained. My taste definitely changed when my kids were young.
But a film like “Pulp Fiction” or “The Hurt Locker” could always break through the other clutter.
“Pulp Fiction” stunned me when I first saw it. No other film had that impact on me. I don’t like “Kill Bill” and didn’t love “Inglorious Bastards.”
So don’t limit yourself to only the beautiful and uplifting because every once in a while a film like
“Life is Beautiful” will break your heart and make you smile at the same time.
I was thinking of you when I wrote this post, Terry, because, knowing your career, I realized that not everyone feels this same shift I did in the same way. And I appreciate your point about a movie like Life is Beautiful. I do think there is great meaning to be derived from a film that can challenge all the dimensions of our emotions.
Now I just need someone to pre-screen movies for me to separate the heavy wheat from the gory chaff. :)
I’m also a sensitve wreck when it comes to scenes of brutality, murder or any kind of mayhem. I definitely have no problem suspending reality and believing the reality of the movie/story (even while knowing it’s only a movie/story) and genuinely feel the distress. This has never changed for me.
Very interesting information about your junior seminars. Speaking of Nazi occupation, my mother lived in her village in what is now Belarus under Nazi occupation and then escaped with her family to the forest.
Your mother’s story reminded me of the film Defiance, which I didn’t see, but read about in The New Yorker. Have you seen it?
A very thought provoking post, obviously!
I do love crime shows/books (CSI/Patricia Cornwell) but because of the puzzle and complicated twists and turns. I used to work in a med lab, so the gory details don’t bother me. Saying that though, I really do NOT enjoy really violent movies or movies that have violence against women and children. I get very upset, actually, always have.
I made my now husband turn off Pulp Fiction and Natural Born Killers when we watched them years ago – I just can’t handle that kind of show.
I don’t watch a lot of tv or movies that I can’t watch with the kids. When I do watch for ME, I want to watch something I can immerse myself in, escape and be uplifted and inspired or just plain laugh! It is for entertainment, not torture, for me anyway.
Thanks for making us think about this!
Kristen. A beautiful post – as always.
There’s such a difference between choosing the darkness (or not) vs. not being willing/able to name it at all – not so much in film, etc., rather, in our own lives, stories, past, etc.
That’s SO not your reality. You DO name darkness. You DO name places of frustration or confusion or pain. Therefore, when you intentionally choose beauty, it’s that much more profound, poignant, and powerful.
Oh, Ronna, thank you so much.
I used to be able to watch that dark stuff, and I just don’t have the stomach for it anymore. I watched both The Blind Side and Up…I think UP did me in though…watching the marriage sequence, having faced infertility (and won) and seeing that sadness of losing your life’s partner was too much for me…and it was a cartoon.
I believe you are right…parenthood does this to us. We cannot be around those who are so full of light and allow that darkeness near us. I think it is to protect them as much as we can from those things that are not good…to keep them full of light for as long as we can.
I love this, Maria: “We cannot be around those who are so full of light and allow that darkness near us.” Thank you.
Oh, this is very much me. I was thinking about this recently when my husband bemoaned that I am no fun to watch movies with anymore since all I want to watch are cheesy romantic comedies (I want to click on “Julie and Julia” on On Demand, while he wants “Inglourious Basterds.” Which I finally gave in to, and the latter wasn’t actually all that violent… but STILL…) Since becoming a mother I find violence almost an anathema; and, of course, more so violence that involves, in any capacity, children. To that end, I can barely read news stories that have to do with children being harmed (much less movies or even fiction — I could not imagine reading The Lovely Bones these days…) I was a journalist for many years and so became somewhat desensitized for awhile: my job was to report, not analyze or internalize. I think that, for me, perhaps by reading it or watching depictions of violence somehow makes such atrocities happening to ME that much more tangible. And, so, I avoid. And I limit my movie watching to the benign and the banal.
Ooh, The Lovely Bones. Another book I enjoyed in my pre-kid days and cannot imagine reading now. Apparently it was made into a movie and the man who played the criminal was nominated for an Oscar. The clip they showed chilled me to my (lovely) bones. No thanks.
Interesting…
I am not a fan of dark entertainment – I do not like subjecting my mind and body to the suspense and anticipation of someone’s demise. I don’t find entertainment in wondering who is going to suffer next and how. It really affects me.
However, I do love a good cop show (Law & Order included) as long as the show is spent trying to solve the mystery of the crime and catch the killer/rapist/bad person. I think the difference is the aspect of justice. I like anticipating that justice will prevail (and in many/most shows, it does). The dark has already happened.
I have a copy of Precious that I cannot (and likely will not) bring myself to watch.
I like your perspective here, Sarah. And I agree that it is fortifying to read or watch something in which the good guys win. It’s nice to be reminded that such things are possible.
Thanks for stopping by, Sarah!
I’ve always had trouble watching and reading stories about the things I most mourn or fear, but it’s intensified with parenthood. (Anne Lamott was so right when she wrote that having a child leaves you with so much more – and so much more to lose.) I can often still handle the bleak or violent, but not if it hits close to home. And the tragic? Never. For me it’s as cathartic for grief as venting is for anger.
That Anne Lamott. So wise. So, so wise. And what conversation cannot be elevated by some of her wise words? Thanks for reminding me of these.
I am right with you. I cringe at anything violent. I can’t watch action adventure movies that show ruthless slaughter so vividly. I prefer movies that hint at it without actually showing it. The hints are often powerful enough.
For me it has come with being a wife and mother. When I see those movies, especially those depicting violence toward children, I picture my husband and/or children experiencing the pain and I shudder. I just can’t stomach it anymore.
I’ve never been able to stand scenes of torture. For that reason I get upset by Tarantino films, even brilliant ones like Pulp Fiction. Maybe it’s cuz I’ve taken care of human bodies, wounded ones, and know what happens. But I was even like this as a kid. Altho I seem to be able to tolerate more realistic violence, like Hurt Locker. I even saw Precious, which was hard. Some films I feel an obligation to see, like the topic needs us to bear witness to these real life stories, no matter how difficult. Whereas torture and gratuitous violent crime scenes just scare the hell out of me.
And yeah, Everything changes when you have kids, huh?
Thanks for these words, Maureen: “the topic needs us to bear witness to these real life stories, no matter how difficult.” Helpful with establishing a rubric of sorts for movies that are worth seeing and which ones aren’t.
I was always easily affected by darkness, but since having children, I am even more sensitive. I have a friend who loves dark…movies, books, you name it…and she can not understand that what I long for most now in my life is light. Not necessarily stupid, but light entertainment. I can not see any kind of violence or abuse. I literally got sick to my stomach watching a documentary recently on the drug years in Miami. I had to leave the room, and was actually irrationally angry with my husband for bringing it home. Some days, I can not even watch the news. Seriously.
I can’t sit through action movies with all the explosions and cussing and gore. It has never interested me. I’m also turned off by horror for the sake of horror.
But I love a dark movie that pushes me to think, feel, or understand outside of my comfort zone. I prefer the dark books, but movies will do (as long as they are spaced by light-hearted and quirky flicks to put me back in safe place.
Regarding Precious. I saw it in the theatre at 10 am on a Friday morning. I was the only one in the room and sobbed like a broken women throughout most of it. My entire body ached afterward, but I don’t regret seeing it. I have issues with the movie and its themes, but it is a reality that we all need to take a hard look at.
Just try to be home with tissues and someone to hug when you take that hard look. You’ll need them.
Kelly, your comment makes me think that some books and movies might be like a form of exercise: challenging and painful, but ultimately necessary to expand our “capacity” – whether of lung, muscle, brain, or heart.
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!
I knew things really change for me as a parent when I found myself being choked up by, and loving, the Julie Andrews ouvre after years of cynical contempt for Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music.
As my kids grow, and come to love the dark, I’ve come to face my own fears in watching intense horror films with my kid…
What was hardest for me was working with kids like the girl in “Precious” while I had my own babies at home who got my unbounded love while my clients in the group home had my love in a way, but what they lacked from our world was staggering and heartbreaking.
Ultimately it balances out, and with young kids we go a little soft for awhile, certainly in our movie going. I remember loving “Pulp Fiction” as well, but feeling rather sick from “Kill Bill.”
But for everyone watching the sweet stuff, somewhere the dark must be seen. I guess I’ll be curled up in my mind watching “Night and Fog” and “Shoah”… but in the service of the newer parents and the younger kids.
Namaste
{ 1 trackback }