The news cycle leading up to the Academy Awards and its focus on the year’s top movie performances got me thinking about the roles we all play in our own lives.
In many of my relationships, I play a leading role. I am my parents’ only daughter and my brothers’ only sister. I am Husband’s only wife (as far as I know). I am my sons’ only mother.
My choice of careers allowed me to play a leading role as well. As a teacher, I stood center stage, even while I tried to encourage the supporting cast – my students – to shine. (If you’ve ever doubted the self-confident assertiveness of many teachers, try getting your voice heard at a faculty meeting or even at a Friday happy hour after the school day is over. Good luck!)
If my friends were feeling charitable, they would say that I have strong opinions and express them articulately. If they weren’t, they might say that I have a big mouth and sometimes dominate conversations. As such, I haven’t always had the easiest time getting along with other leading actress types – or at least with strong women who are strong in the same ways that I am strong (organized to the point of becoming compulsive, planning-oriented to the point of becoming obsessive, interested in discussion and debate to the point of becoming aggressive).
Just as a Hollywood pairing of two leading ladies doesn’t always work on-screen, so it hasn’t always worked for me in my own decidedly un-Hollywood life.
Think of Meryl Streep and Judy Dench, Kate Winslet and Cate Blanchett, or even Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts sharing top billing. In fact, as I think back to movies that feature a number of strong performers, especially strong female performers, often one stands out (see Helen Mirren, Kristin Scott Thomas, and Maggie Smith in Gosford Park) or the stories are presented episodically (see The Hours, in which Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore, and Nicole Kidman share top-billing but not a single moment of screen time).
That’s not to say that I don’t have any friendships with other strong women. I have many. In my most cherished friendships I feel energized – rather than irritated – by the similarities in our strength profiles, just as in Hollywood, when two leading ladies mesh so well that the result is transcendent (see Kate Winslet and Emma Thompson in Sense and Sensibility).
But I wonder: do all relationships have starring and supporting roles? Do those roles shift over time?
And what about my interest in always playing the leading role? Am I missing out on the role of a lifetime (see Amy Ryan in Gone, Baby, Gone) by always looking to lead?
In your relationships, do you tend to be the leading actor/actress or are you more likely to play a supporting role?
Disclosure: I wrote this post hours before the Academy Awards ceremony began. Despite the fact that I saw only a handful of movies this past year and only two of the nominated performances, I did watch the Oscars. For me, the Oscars are like the Super Bowl: cultural phenomena not to be missed.
Image: Oscars 2006 by DonnaGrayson via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
I really don’t know where I fit as I have “played” both roles before and still do.
I will say I am with you that the Oscars are like the Super Bowl – a cultural phenomenon.
Yes, I’m my husband’s only wife and my sons’ only mother. But as the role of parent my husband and I have co-leading roles and it works for us. I do believe that I have a strong personality but not to the point of control-freak or where I offend people.
However, in friendships I seem to find myself in the supporting role. I wonder why?
I am also lucky to have a husband who shares the parenting duties, and I’m grateful for this reminder that role-definition is always a matter of perspective – so while I am the only mom, I definitely share the lead in the parenting department.
Like you, I hope that my strong personality – which maybe isn’t really that strong after all; I’ve been reevaluating this post all day – doesn’t rub too many people the wrong way. I think – or at least hope – that my people-pleasing tendencies probably prevent me from stepping on too many toes.
Sigh. I’m a supporter…usually the wacky “character role.” Someday I’d love to be the star :)
For some reason Frances McDormand came to mind when I thought of a “character” actress, and she’s about as cool as it gets – and more than capable of headlining! (See transition from *Raising Arizona* to *Fargo*.)
I like to be Number 2. I want to be the person that makes it all happen but in the background. I know this contradicts with the thrill I got when I was on stage, but that all was scripted. I dread public speaking. I would like to follow you around and just say, “yeah! What she said!” And add my menacing demeanor when necessary to drive the point home.
Ooh, I’m feeling some satiny pink jackets and tight black pants a la the Pink Ladies in *Grease*…
Awesome post! I play both roles in different friendships, however in my strongest friendships, we play equal roles where sometimes one of us downplays or steps it up due to circumstances or emotions of the day.
Although I have always been assertive, I am married to a first-born and my best friends are all first-borns. As a result, I am usually not the one calling the shots. I play more of a supporting actress role, and I’m actually fine with that.
Good question, Kristen – I like taking this analogy to real life.
I’m definitely a supporting role. I’m the friend that listens, consoles, comforts, does favors, asks questions. I allow myself to take second seat to the needs of my friends. And sometimes, this takes a toll. Sometimes I want to be in the spotlight.
With my husband, I think I am the lead. Perhaps to make up for all my supporting roles in other situations? He is a patient man (thank god) and lets me be the demanding, assertive lead.
hmmm. this makes me think of the way that people behave in social gatherings, and I realize that is distinctly different from the subject about which you wrote.
I’m more likely to have a walk-on role in large social gatherings, a supporting role in smaller social gatherings and hope that I relate with those with whom I share true closeness in a purely collaborative manner.
I try to avoid personality types who crave the spotlight, struggle to get to the microphone or otherwise dominate the room. I have had a few life experiences with these personality types and know that I do not mix well with them.
For the leading “roles” in my life (my mother’s only daughter, my partner’s only love interest) I hope that I play my role by demonstrating compassion, speaking the truth and leveraging all of the opportunities I have to share love.
I appreciate this reminder of the varied ways in which we can play a leading role. I like to think that my “leading” tendencies are largely to the benefit of the people I love most. I certainly hope so.
What a great question!
I alternate: I enjoy being a supporting cast member, with another supporting cast member. I also enjoy the lead role, but certainly not all the time.
I guess I’d like to think I’d be good in indie films. It’s all about the script, the experience, and the collaboration with my fellow cast members.
I think I’m mostly the supporter – worrying about what everyone else is thinking, feeling, needing.
Sad. :(
Well, can you even imagine being at a family party and not being asked for your name but your sister number? Obviously, not a star if I’m one of seven sisters, but since I feel like a star inside I’ve always wanted to be number one, my name in lights!
In my friendships, we always seem equally matched but there just seems to be maybe a lot going on with me, maybe because of my kids or my numerous family members. I don’t want to think that I hog the limelight!
My dad is one of six (four boys followed by two girls). He addresses his siblings by number (e.g. Number Two Sister). I wonder if he would find his little game as funny if he weren’t the oldest!
It’s interesting how many posts said they are supporting roles…I wonder if it is because those that gravitate to the center are feeling a bit self-consious??? (Ahem.)
I tend to play the lead. My energy and passion towards lots of different things usually causes me to take action–let’s do this!–and I like willing accomplices.
I think one of the big lessons I have learned, mostly from my husband, is that a strong opinion doesn’t always need to be voiced with the loudest voice. He may appear to be playing a supporting role but really has just a different way of playing it. So it has caused me a lot more awareness of drawing the opinions and perspectives from those who aren’t literally in center stage….
I love this reminder: “a strong opinion doesn’t always need to be voiced with the loudest voice.” A lesson I have worked – and continue to work – to internalize.
First off, I love how you mentioned the version of Sense and Sensibility with Kate Winslet and Emma Thompson. That is one of my all time favorite movies. Is it sad to say that I was disappointed in the book? For this story’s case, I prefer the movie over the book.
Second, I know I am the lead mommy. My lines are often limited during the day, but when husband comes home, I own the microphone. But, my husband and I share the spot light in our home. We both play different and important roles. At the end of the day, we take turns sharing our experiences.
I also have my share of supporting roles. I am okay with that. I don’t enjoy being in the spot light, unless at home, because it usually means much more stress.
*Sense and Sensibility* is my favorite Jane Austen novel (well, actually, maybe *Persuasion* is…), but I agree that the movie adaptation is divine.
Have you seen the BBC *Pride and Prejudice* mini-series with Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth? 100 times better than the Keira Knightley version, I think.
I am definitely not the leading actress not the supporting actress. I am the director. It’s an issue. A control thing! I need to learn to let go.
Ha! Terry, that’s hilarious.
Kristen,
You make a good point in playing different roles depending on friends. With my college friends, I automatically take on the leading role. I’m not sure why, but I’m usually the decision-maker, the one full of ideas. With my husband, I’m the talker, and then with other friends, I’m the listener. It’s very interesting that we play these different roles depending on the energy of those around us. I don’t think I have a favorite role, but the role I’m most used to is teacher and sharer of ideas. It’s probably the one I’m most comfortable with.
Jana, do you agree with my assertion that teachers might be more likely to feel comfortable in the leading role? (I swear, if my students made as many sweeping generalizations as I do, I’d have their heads!)
I’m the supporting actress in every situation except one: being a mother, wherein I turn into Emma Thompson to my husband’s Hugh Grant (love that movie!). I’ve always played the supporter, stepping up to lead when needed, and it works for my personality, I think. Let’s poll my kiddos in a few years and see, though … They might nominate me for a Razzie, not an Oscar! =>
Even though I mentioned *Sense and Sensibility* in my post, for some reason I thought of *Love, Actually* (in which Emma Thompson and Hugh Grant play sister and brother!) when I read your comment and I thought: Hmm, you and your husband have an interesting marriage. Can you tell I stayed up way too late watching the Oscars last night? :)
I think it depends on the situation and who you are with. My husband and I have equal voices within our marriage, but there have been times when one or the other has the leading role…As a friend, I would say that I am more of a supporter, although, depending on the situation, I have taken the lead.
Like anything, too much of something can be bad. I think that the happiest people who walk among us are those who can be flexible without losing themselves to what others want and need.
Great post!
“I think that the happiest people who walk among us are those who can be flexible without losing themselves to what others want and need.”
Amen!
Hmmmm, I think leading role in my family, w/o a doubt. These past years I think too much of a supporting role in friendships. I could use a little screen time…
This brings to mind one of the reasons I’ve gotten on so well with my New York friends—it seems like everyone is going to just elbow their way into the conversation and so you’re free to just say what you want without stepping on toes. It makes me think that those days were a real breakfast club… only it was 80′s post-club “Bright Lights Big City” breakfast…
Now it’s lights out early in LA and I’m learning (slowly) that interesting actors happen to be really good listeners (think of your faves—you watch THEM even when they’re not talking).
I sure was happy to see Bigelow win, as a terrific director and as a woman.
And if anyone happens to get a chance to see the award winning animated short “Logorama,” it’s wickedly spot-on about branding and the state of things.
Namaste
Your comment warms the cockles of my New Yorker heart and gives me food for contemplation the next time I watch a movie (*Crazy Heart* is next on the list): whom am I watching and why?
Kristen: As I’ve pondered your words throughout the day, I’ve wondered much about the “two/too strong women” thing.
One of the most amazing aspects of my life is that I’m surrounded by strong women. And each of them would say that I am the same. It’s like 1+1=3 – and then exponentially greater.
I’m also aware that this has not always been the case. I’ve known MANY places of insecurity through my years. Perhaps I was strong (in some deep-inside, unmanifested way), but couldn’t possibly have seen/known such in a way that would have allowed me to be that in the presence of another. I chose to be smaller, and less-than. Come to think of it, the quality of my relationships with women were less significant then, as well.
That pattern tends to bleed, however – not remaining exclusive to female friendships and instead moving into the realms of men – and ultimately my (now-failed) marriage. It took a long time for me to “own up” to my strength and then apply that in ALL aspects of my life.
Now that I’m older (and hopefully wiser), I feel far more “settled” into who I am. I am grateful to be able to bring all of me into every relationship…knowing that those with whom I best relate are those who do the same. No competition. No second billing. Just GREAT headliners – all together.
Thanks for creating context for me to think about and acknowledge this on International Women’s Day. Perfect timing.
I’m grateful for you – and your tender and beautiful strength.
Strong women. There cannot be enough of us!!! :)
Thank you, Ronna, for confirming that it is possible to find more strength when surrounding oneself with the strong as long as we choose to be strong ourselves.
After publishing yesterday morning, I wondered if what I had written was too much, if I made myself sound obnoxious – but your comment makes me think that those second thoughts came from a place of doubt, from my lingering desire to be liked by everyone. I have to remind myself that I will only be happy if I am myself and am honest about who I am.
I took a course in grad school where the professor talked of each gender’s core question. For a man: “Am I enough?” For a woman: “Am I too much?” I don’t know the answer to the first, but as for the second, I continue to whisper, speak, scream, and shout, “NO! I am not too much.”
Nor are you.
Oooh, what a clever post and an interesting way to examine our real-life roles. Mine depend on the scene, so to speak. If it’s a question of who’s getting the most attention, then at home I’m accustomed to being part of an ensemble cast. I grew up with four siblings, so our spotlight was rarely stationary. My husband and I each lead, but in different acts. (The little one hogs center stage, of course.)
In friendships I’m always in a supporting role; at work I’m paid to play the lead. I love to tell stories, make jokes and offer insight, stepping into the spotlight for a few moments at a time — but I’ve always been afraid of looking like I want to stay there.
This is a really important point: “I’ve always been afraid of looking like I want to stay there.”
I do think there is a critical distinction between capturing the spotlight and continuously wrenching it out of the hands of the lighting director!
Hi Kirsten,
Oh, we’re both leading actresses! I wonder if we’d be buddies in real life?!? I think so!
xo
Tasha
Yes!! – especially if you agree to apply some of your fabulous design aesthetic to my house and my wardrobe. ;)
Kristen,
I do think that teachers, in general, are comfortable in a leading role. Whenever I’ve taken a class about teaching, I’ve been frustrated by the way teachers behave–constantly talking over each other, so used to talking that they forget how to listen. I don’t think I’m that kind of teacher. I really like to be a learner, and while I have a soapbox, I tried not to stand on it all the time. Instead, my teaching revolved around a lot of questioning. I could tell that many teachers liked hearing their voices, especially when their audience was young and impressionable. I don’t like to hear my voice; I’m just interested in ideas. As a teacher, I rarely shared information about myself, probably to a fault. (I tried to fix that last year, but it just didn’t make me comfortable to divulge too much to a large group. Childhood trauma?) Some teachers, though, it seemed to me, liked to use their position as leader to relay all the “wisdom” they’d acquired. I preferred to let my students feel wise.
Thanks, Jana. You articulate such an important distinction in the teaching profession, and one that I think we can apply to parenting as well: focus on self vs. focus on other.
A good teacher friend of mine shared with me an analogy about teaching (particularly high school teaching) that I’ve always liked: think of yourself walking with your students down a long hallway. Help them open all the doors they find, but never push them into a room.
I skipped the Oscars this year and caught the highlights on YouTube the next day (namely the John Hughes tribute, I grew up with 16 Candles & Pretty in Pink & Breakfast Club!!).
I wrote a poem instead. It was my first year skipping the Oscars. And I was kinda bummed that I did.
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