Today my good buddy Jane of Theycallmejane’s Blog and I are doing a house swap. She’s keeping an eye on things here at Motherese while I keep the home fires burning at her place with a guest post of my own.
I have to thank Aidan, my bloggy fairy godsister, for introducing me to Jane through her blogroll. Since meeting Jane last fall, I have been consistently captivated by her no-nonsense approach to life as a woman and mother. She writes clearly and thoughtfully about the peaks and potholes of her experience. I admire the range of topics she tackles, as well as the humor and humility she brings to her posts. Thanks, Jane, for offering some of your words here today.
When Jane and I agreed to trade places for the day, I asked her if I might share you with one of my favorite posts of hers. In fact, I think it might be the first post of hers I ever read. Whether you are an experienced blogger or a rookie like me, I know that you will appreciate Jane’s thoughts on the art of the comment.
And, after you check out Jane’s post, please stop by Theycallmejane’s Blog to revisit a post of mine on what I want to be when (if?) I grow up.
I’m getting quite close to my 100th post. (Oooo, my stomach just did a little flip-flop in anticipation. Yours too?) And many of you out there celebrate your 100th, 500th or 1000th (Joey!) post. But what about those comments? When are they recognized? Where would we be without comments on our musings?
One of the things I did not anticipate enjoying as much as I do about blogging is the comments. Both giving and receiving (wink, wink). There are some days when I sit down at the computer, fully anticipating to write 7 or 8 prolific posts, but instead spend 3 hours reading your blogs and commenting on them. Then I remember why I sat down to the computer in the first place, click ‘new post’ and I got nothin’. Oh sure, I’ve blamed my crazy life but sometimes I have no one to blame but myself. You people are just too interesting. You suck the great ideas right outta me.
But the dialog that comments provide is invaluable.
And I’ve struggled with how to handle comments from day one. First, I was mostly a lurker. Reading your blogs. Skipping along to the next. Sometimes I just had nothing to say, other times I was intimidated by the amazing comments left by others.
After I dipped my toe in and started to comment I took the full plunge and became a comment whore. I’d comment on anything and everything. I’d spend more time commenting than I would creating a new post. It became exhausting. But I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. If they left a comment on my blog, I left a comment on theirs. If they visited my blog and I could see their blog address on my limited stats keeper here on free WordPress, I’d go to their blog and comment. Even with blogs who didn’t know I existed I would pressure myself to leave a comment, any kind of comment, even if I had nothing to say. I imagined they could see (because they had super-high-powered-stats-keepers-that-could-track-me-down-through-tiny-internet-wires) that I had visited and dared not to let them know I had stopped by.
And some of you demand that people comment. (guilt) And some of you ask questions to encourage comments. (more guilt) And some have pictures and quotes and diagrams and recipes and comics and videos and links to other great bloggers and put sooooo much effort into one little post. (even more guilt….hmmmm, I’m a better Catholic than I thought I was.)
So I gave up. I comment when I have something to say. What a revelation that was! My empty comments weren’t getting me anywhere except behind in my writing and making me feel horrible that I was creating vapid, transparent snippets that clutter up your pages.
Which brings me to the comments I receive here…Oops…..That didn’t come out right – it was the timing. Let me try that again…..
I am so thankful for the comments I receive here. Truly! It’s nice to know that I touch people, amuse people or stop and make them re-think. Oh sure, I receive my fair share of spam. Or thinly veiled comments that reek of ‘I’m only commenting because I want you to visit me at my blog.’ But honestly, those are far and few between. I have surrounded myself in Bloggy World (much as I have in the Real World) with wonderful, interesting, thoughtful people. What an amazing extension of my real life this writing has become and I have you all to thank.
Which leads me to……
..my 1000th comment! (Party streamers, confetti and cake for all!)
My blog has received its 1000th comment from one of you, dear readers. Will Joe from Meech and Joe please stand up? Let’s give him a hand everyone! Help me to thank him and all of you for commenting here over the past 4 months! I’ve enjoyed hearing from you and commenting on your blogs. Here’s to continuing our conversations together!
(Unknown Mami has created an interesting meme along this subject, I Comment Therefore I Am. Worth checking out!)
Thanks, Jane, for sharing this post with us. And now, Motherese readers, how can you read a post on comments and not feel inspired to comment?
<a href=”http://www.nevertruetales.com/2009/12/its-beautiful-day-in-neighborhood-so.html” target=_blank><img src=”http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v387/happyfeather/Neighborbanner-Page001.jpg” border=0></a><br />
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
As a quadriplegic there is very little I can do physically. But I still have what I call “verbal independence”. Everyone has the right to speak their mind, share their opinions and have their say.
I think the key here is… SINCERITY.
One should always speak the truth and even more importantly, from the heart.
I love your honesty in your posts because it is something many of us can relate to and even more significantly, it makes you real.
Humans by nature yearn to be recognized and appreciated. I believe that if someone’s writings move you in a profound manner then you owe it to that person to let them know.
Besides, if nobody left their comments on our blogs how would we ever be motivated to continue writing?
Congratulations, Jane! Standing O for all the comments.
Thx for taking the time to recognize this! I love getting comments, it truly is a highlight of my day!! (HUGE thx to Kristen because she comments often! And to many others like Nicki above :) )
It sure is easy to get into all these amazing blogs and I want to spend more time commenting too! I have met so many wonderful people through this wonderful “Bloggy World”
Thank you, Kristen, for having me over today! It’s wild seeing my “stamp” on YOUR blog. And such kind words you said about me. I’m flattered. You are a dear, sweet Bloggy friend. I’m so glad we met. Comments on comments — this should be interesting! Thanks to everyone for stopping by and sharing your 2 cents!
I, like you were Jane, am compelled to leave a comment on EVERY post I read. I feel bad not because I know how much I love receiving comments. If I have nothing to say, it’s probably not a blog I’ll be back to visit because I always have SOMETHING to say!
Sadly, if it weren’t for the comments, maybe I wouldn’t keep it up. Because it’s the conversation I love so much. The community. If we didn’t care at all about the comments, we’d keep a handwritten journal, right?
I love your blog Jane and will keep commenting! But no pressure on mine! :)
What I love about a post like this is that I LEARN from it. I’ve been blogging since the fall of 2008 but only started to really seriously blog in the fall of 2009. Along the way I’ve picked up tips and suggestions and slowly my blog and my commenting style is evolving. I enjoy reading what other think about the bloggy world because that’s how I refine my own approach. I only started becoming an avid commenter a couple of months back. I think sometimes my comments are presumptuous in that I think I have value to offer, but I know I like to get comments so I go for it. I also try to avoid commenting too much about myself because the point isn’t about turning someone else’s post into something about yourself. I struggle with that a bit. I’d like to become a better commenter, but for now I just comment when I feel inspired. I want people to know that their post made a difference in whatever way. When I receive a comment I feel encouraged, so I hope mine offer a little of the same for others.
Thanks Kristen for sharing this post with us. I just eat this kind of stuff up right now.
I get so excited when I see comments in my inbox. But truly when it comes to comments, quality does override quality. I really enjoy the WP platform that let’s Kristen reply to comments. It really feels as if we’re opening a dialogue. I used to feel obligated to comment on every post I read rather than lurking. But now I only comment if I have something worth saying that relevant to the post. Nice to meet you, Jane! I stop by and visit you “at home.”
And it’s nice to meet you, too! Thanks for commenting – I’m looking forward to checking out the blogs of all my new commenting friends – yours included!
Comments are like a drug. I yearn for them. But I realize in order to get comments you gotta give comments. This post was great. Thanks for sharing. I too often feel obligated to comment even if I don’t really have anything worth while to say. I may look at changing that….
I soooo understand the conflicted relationship with comments. This is one topic for which I DO have something to say:) I struggle with this, partly because I have so little free time in the day (and shouldn’t really be blogging at work), and I feel uber-guilty when I don’t leave as many comments for others as they leave for me. And there is some reciprocity that I feel is warranted–polite–appropriate. But I have to believe that when my comment-time runs dry, people won’t read into it…won’t feel annoyed. At the end of the day, this is a blogging community, and we all fall short sometimes. I believe in the “if you have something to say” comment rule, but sometimes–even when a post makes me think–I find I lack the energy to put it into words. My favorite thing about comments? When they challenge me right back. When they make me think. And I hope, every once in a while, I can do the same in my own comments to other bloggers.
Well said! I agree! I agree!
Well, I’ve got to comment on this one. ;)
I so agree; at some point, you have to decide to comment when you have something to say, and leave guilt/obligation/politeness out of it. Because the quality comments are when you’re moved to speak to the writer anyway, right? That said, I greatly value my comments, and appreciate every one! Great post; glad I got to read it here at motherese!
Very relevant post! The whole issue of comments is so tricky. As writers, we want affirmation, and we also want dialogue. This is more than a one-way street; it’s a conversation.
But some use the number of comments as a measure of their popularity, or even as a sort of competition, which seems silly – to me. Comments are a measure of success (if you are measuring the success of your blog, however you define “success”) – but not if they are “vapid” as you say.
As a participant in a community of writers, I have also come to realize that I want to comment where I feel I have something cogent to say. Other times, I comment because I feel a post is particularly brave or worthy or I simply want to acknowledge the time and effort that it took the writer to create it. So, in this give-and-take community of readers and writers, the reasons for commenting vary.
Then there is reality: you form friendships (and want to continue to show support), and you want to grow your circle of readers (and thus venture off your island and comment in new lands, and there are only so many hours in a day – which is where you arrived in your post.
So – I try to mix it up a bit, and do the best I can. If we weren’t “also” living our lives (working, raising kids, cooking, driving, studying, reading, writing, dancing, traveling) – which does take a bit of time – what in the heck would we have to say anyway??
It is such a fine line we walk, isn’t it? I’ve recently written another post about how overwhelmed I’ve been in Blog World vs. my “real life.” You are so right – balance is the key.Without it, we’d have nothing to write about!
It took me a while to learn that it’s okay to comment only when I have something to say, but…haha…sometimes I feel like I always have something to say, even if it’s just random! Love your blog, Jane.
Totally in agreement with you! Quality, not quantity, is my mantra when it comes to comments. I want the person whose blog I’m visiting to feel like the comment is meant, not a comment for commenting’s sake :).
I love the adventure of reading and commenting. I read a post, comment (like Jane) if I have something to say, then read the comments, click on someone else’s post, and on and on it goes…. It’s great fun for someone who is not much of an actual adventure seeker!
Comments are such a gift! I try to pay back comments, to leave a trail of comments, but I also try to stick to writing a comment only if I feel compelled to. Not out of guilt. But there are nights when I’m a comment whore. I admit it.
We all have a dark side. Thanks for feeling comfortable sharing yours with us. ;) Seriously, it’s easy to get all caught up in comment mania. For me, it’s the guilt of not reciprocating. As BigLittleWolf and others have pointed out – it’s all about balance and relevance.
I comment for so many reasons. To help other writers feel they’re not alone. Because a topic is thought provoking. Because a discussion has started up in the comment section and I want/need to be a part of it. My experience now as a commenter is very different than my experience as a blogger. At one time I was only comfortable having a “happy dappy” blog, though my comments on others were real and revealing. That experience commenting, in turn, brought me back to my blog and made me more willing to bring that honesty to my blog.
Thanks for a great post, Jane. Nice to meet you!
Hi Jane! Great to see you over here!
I have serious Comment Management Issues. I probably need an intervention.
Like you, I’ve just had to cut down and will myself to shut up unless I actually have something to say.
But we bloggers LOVE our comments, don’t we?
Hi Jane! I think Jane actually led me to you Kristen, and now you are 2 of my faves. And Kristen led me to Aidan….and on and on. Very cool. Yeah, I am commenting less, tho still visiting people. We all do love our comments tho. A tricky world, this blogging business. More consuming than I eve would’ve imagined. Hard not to comment on your thought provoking posts tho, Jane!
Jane, I am learning this myself. In fact, I went through the exact same phases you described. It has taken me a couple months, but now I feel confident enough that I don’t see the need to comment on every post that a person writes. Unless it sparks something in me.
Although, there are times when I have so much that I want to say but am too tired, or have my hands full, or something along those lines, so I leave a little signature. A call sign, if you will, letting them know that I am reading. I hope that it encourages them to keep writing.
I have to comment. Just have to. If there something that touches me in some kind of way, I comment. It’s nice to let people know they’re loved, read, cared for, interesting..etc.
And, of course, I love and adore and treasure every single person who comments on my blog!
Nell
Commenting, for me, feels a little like saying “I was here; thank you.” Sometimes it takes many words to convey that, other times just one.
On the flip side, I’ve had people tell me they enjoy my blog, read it regularly but would NEVER comment. To do so would make them feel exposed on the internet for all to see. Or they feel like a comment has to be brilliantly witty and poignant to attach their name to it.
I agree with the above comment by 6512 and growing – I know that on my blog, all I need is a little nod, something to let me know that I didn’t just write for nothing and that someone heard what I had to say. Even if all it was was end-of-the-day ramblings. It’s nice to not be alone.
Having said that…I’m guilty of lurking and not commenting myself. Trying to get better though. And this post reminded me why.
Jane,
I remember reading this post when you first publishing it. I remember loving it. But now? Now that I am even more entrenched in this lovely world, I *need*this post and your insightful words. Like so many of those who got to this comment party first, I have a very complicated relationship with comments. Almost eleven months in and I am not quite sure how to handle comments on my own site or how to approach leaving a trail of comments elsewhere. As you know, I have been known to broadcast wacky expectations for myself – like I will respond to each and every comment, etc and I have also tailored such expectations vis-a-vis visiting and commenting on my favorite blogs. Frankly, it’s tiresome and drains much of the fun from this joint venture…
All of this is to say that I so appreciate your wisdom and perspective. We are busy creatures, human beings with limits, and we should leave comments when we are moved to do so. (Like now!) And then we should do our best to stop worrying so much about it, right? (Pipe dream? Maybe. But it’s mine and you can’t have it!)
xo,
Aidan
PS – Thanks to both of you for this timely reminder to blog forward without getting bogged down in the comment confusion!
Aidan – thank you so much for taking the time to comment here! ;) You words are so sweet and so appreciated. And if you don’t mind, I’d love to share in your pipe dream. Because even though I wrote that post months ago and came to my amazing revelation – I still struggle! I still put un-do pressure on myself to comment when I really have nothing to contribute. I still feel guilty when I don’t comment. I still feel lazy if I don’t respond to every comment on my blog. Maybe a little less so than before – but I still struggle.
This was a great post. I too have comment guilt. Always worried about whether I am leaving enough comments. If I know someone has commented on my blog and I don’t return the favor I feel terrible until I do. But at the same time, that guilt thing is just a big part of my personality I guess. And aside from all the guilt, comments are really so wonderful because they are what makes blogging interactive and fun. I love knowing what people think about what I write. And I love reading that others think about posts that interest me. Jane, you are brilliant. And I’m glad to be introduced to Motherese too!
Jane, you know I love you. I’ll follow you anywhere! But not in a creepy way…no seriously, I swear.
Your comment about Catholic guilt made me laugh. I haven’t been a Catholic in…well, a long time, and I still suffer from the guilt sometimes.
Everything I feel has already been said…but I wanted you to know I was here, appreciating…since you might be measuring your worth by comments (especially today!).
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