There’s a whole lotta house-sitting going on this week.
Holding down the fort chez Motherese is one of the wisest, wittiest women in the neighborhood: The Kitchen Witch. I love to drop by her place for a plate full of levity-laden truth. Kitch can write like nobody’s business, and her sense of humor is as sharp as a tack. Her guest post today is just a taste of the culinary-infused common sense she shares in her blog. Thanks, Kitch, for keeping an eye on things for me today.
Meanwhile, I’m paying a visit to my buddy Becca at Drama for Mama. And the girl could use an extra pair of hands this week: she and her kids have been spending so much time at the doctor’s office lately, she might be considering a permanent move into an exam room. I’m grateful to Becca for having me guest post at her place, another one of my favorite neighborhood hang-outs.
Please enjoy Kitch’s post below and, when you’re done here, click on over to check out my offering at Drama for Mama.
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On Pea Soup and Edgar Pine
The lovely blogger here, the Unconfidential Cook, jogged my memory the other day with her comment on a White Trash post. She mentioned the hideousity that is Pea Soup.
If there are any pea soup lovers out there (besides my sister, and she already willingly admits to loving Shipwreck Casserole, so go figure), let me just say… WTF? Glutinous bowl of something green…how does that translate to *edible* to you freaks?
Pea soup is nasty. And Edgar Pine* is proof.
Edgar Pine was in my kindergarten class, and, now that I think of it, was probably a vampire. He was that pale, that skinny, that wan. And this was 1974, folks, so don’t even think it was cool to be a vampire back then. Plus, Edgar Pine had one lazy eye that insisted on hunting when the other was fishing…NOT a good thing.
In a wicked turn of bad luck, I caught Edgar’s fancy. I have no idea why. There’s a pretty good chance that it was because I was the only kid in class skinnier than him. And slower than him.
Which made me Edgar Pine’s prey of choice for a playground game called Kiss and Punch. I have no idea if this game existed anywhere else on the planet, but the cretins on my North Dakota playground loved it.
Kiss and Punch was simple and oddly pointless, but I guess you could say that about Red Rover or Crack the Whip, too. Kiss and Punch went like so: pick your victim, chase victim around the playground until you either corner or tire him/her out, kiss victim and then promptly deliver a hard fist to the stomach.
Edgar Pine always called dibs on me. Come recess time, I was toast. And when he came at me with those mismatched eyes, chapped lips and crooked corncob teeth, I wanted to die. The only positive thing I can say about the whole ordeal is that Edgar Pine packed a pretty weak punch. That sissy.
Further proof that Edgar Pine was some kind of Alien came when our Kindergarten class compiled a book of our favorite recipes. This book was a mother’s day gift and was titled, “In the Kitchen with Mom.” It had a red cover and, like most Kindergarten presents, was highly amusing reading material. Kids say the darnedest things.
Take the entry from my then best-friend, a little redhead named Missy Fairchild: “My mom can’t cook but my dad can. My favorite thing he makes is pot pie. You take it out of the box, put it in the oven, and when it’s black, it’s done.”
Like many of my classmates, I declared that my mother’s masterpiece was Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. However, I also gave her cred for her bitchin’ Tuna Fish Sandwich.
Edgar Pine’s choice? Pea Soup.
I told you, right? I mean, if you are 5 years old and your favorite food is pea soup, you are obviously sleeping in coffins and swilling plasma, don’t you think?
I actually felt relief when I saw his entry in the cookbook. Aha, I thought. Proof.
My playground horrors with The Vampire ended when Edgar and his Coven moved to Minneapolis. I was happily rid of him.
A week later, I caught the eye of a boy named Darren. Darren sat at my table and was highly talented; he could, with record speed, slurp pickle juice up his nose. But that’s another story…
Mama’s Tuna Fish Sandwich**
serves 3
1 can water packed tuna, drained
2 ribs celery, finely chopped
1 teaspoon sweet pickle relish
3 tablespoons Miracle Whip Salad Dressing
salt and pepper to taste
Squishy White Bread
Mix tuna, celery, pickle relish, and Miracle Whip together in a small bowl. Season with salt and pepper.
Spread between slices of the Squishy White Bread (do NOT substitute!) and enjoy.
*Edgar Pine is, at the advice of my husband, an alias. He’s afraid that there’s a Vampire in Minnesota who still remembers me.
**I ate this sandwich, alternating with the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, every day for lunch for my entire Kindergarten career. I think this probably qualifies as Jag #1.
I too am deeply suspicious of pea soup. Frankly peas of any form are abhorrent to me. They never darken my doorstep. For the record, given your description I suspect he was attracted to you for your love of tuna fish, seems like that kind of guy.
Oh no! I know a certain someone who is rather close to me who likes PEA SOUP! Oh no!
On another note, Kindergarten was horrid. School social groups are horrid. Games like Kiss and Punch were MADE so that we’d have stories like THIS to tell when we got older.
And really, I’d take Pea Soup kid any day over the kid sitting next to me who pooped his pants and it oozed out all over. I know, I know, TMI. But it WAS gross!
I like split pea soup! Not a vampire but still. Of course, I make a mean one.
And, if that is you in kindergarten, I am surprised all the boys didn’t follow you around.
I LOVE pea soup. Last time I checked, I am not a vampire, but you never know. Hey, they are pretty popular these days
I’m 31 and have never seen pea soup in person, nor do I want to!
Nell
Is that little gal in the pic you? I can see why you are targeted by alien vampires since you look delicious!
I know you are not fond of this memory but it made me LOL and then smile this morning. Pea soup? Now I feel better about my cooking skill: I have found a new low that I will try not to reach!
Kiss and Punch, a classic to be sure. Not a big pea soup fan myself. Sounds like your mom and mine went to the same cooking school.
I have never been to introduced to pea soup. I wish that meant I didn’t get lumped in the freak category, but I’m afraid not.
Don’t like pea soup, never heard of kiss and punch…we had an Edgar Pine character at my school, too. I love the way you told this story…great read and stinkin’ hilarious!
It’s too bad that Edgar Pine is an alias, because if you needed any further proof that he was a vampire, the name “Edgar” would be it. I can further confirm that “Kick and Punch” never made it as far west as Seattle, Washington. And pea soup? I’m a fan. At least a fan of GOOD pea soup.
Ah Kitch! You always leave me laughing! (Dare I admit that I love split pea soup on a wintry day? Hmm. I wonder if that accounts for my pallor of late.)
Full disclosure: I like pea soup. *ducks*
But I agree that any 5-year-old who likes it must be an alien at best. Great post! And thanks for playing along with Neighbor Friday!
I’ve never had pea soup. My mother has refused to make it ever since she had morning sickness with me. As for tuna fish sandwiches, I’ve refused to make those since I had morning sickness with my first son. Funny that you included both in the same post!
I like Edgar Pine. He’s become real for me already. Kiss and Punch seems just another name for love until we learn better. In being the Devil’s soup (at least the fake-vomit of champions in the Exorcist) Pea soup is apt symbol for London’s nefarious fog—the unconscious terrain for unspeakable horrors.
And yet, if we are to individuate we must deal with the Shadow first and foremost. I love this post, Kitchen Witch, but I think you might like to rethink Edgar’s place in the good witch coven.
Some sympathy for the soup, the Oliver Twist orphan who would risk life and limb for but another bowl of that alchemical potion.
It makes great sense that Edgar would move to the Twin Cities… maybe lived next door to Rose Selavy (Marcel Duchamp’s alter ego).
Do love the tuns recipe (although I love to add capers).
Namaste
Ah, Kitch Witch, this is hilarious! Those grade school years were the best. In my class we had “Icky Nicky.” Kids are funny and mean at the same time, aren’t they?
I love split pea soup. My daycare mom, Florence, made it the best – with diced potatoes and carrots along with the ham and green muck. I told my mom to get Florence’s recipe because mom’s soup was not very tasty (poor mom).
How could I not respond to this entry: I must tell my pea soup story. Yes I have a pea soup story.
I flew down to LA with my 13-year-old so I could attend a memorial service for an old friend. We stayed with another friend who was at work when we arrived. My son used his toilet and when he flushed it, the toilet kept running. I jiggled the handle but it still kept running. I had to pee too, so I used the same toilet. But the darn thing kept running. Now, the generous friend who was letting us stay at his house would HATE to have his toilet running, he would hate the waste of money and water! So I threw open the lid and tried to jiggle all the parts. I was now getting awfully late for the memorial service. So, I ran to my friends pantry and found I can of Anderson’s PEA SOUP! PERFECT, I thought. I shoved the can under the stopper and it did the trick. I wonder if the can of pea soup is still there?
You have the best stories TKW!!!
This was my favorite post of yours – EVER. I laughed the whole way through. Seriously, the images you portrayed of poor Edgar Pine are classic. “Edgar Pine had one lazy eye that insisted on hunting when the other was fishing” – that’s my fave.
Not a fan of pea soup here. I don’t much like peas round and whole much less mushed up and mixed with, what is it, bacon? Nope.
“Sleeping in coffins and swilling plasma … ” Genius, TKW. Pea soup is an acquired taste, for sure. If you add bacon flavoring (or just straight-up bacon), it gets much, much better.
Pea soup with ham or elk meat, as it were in my casa, is a lovely winter meal. When my 5 and 2 1/2 year old slurped it up last snowstorm I felt like: they really won’t die of scurvy. But I guess now we have to worry about vampires.
Thanks so much for letting me occupy your space today, Kristen! An honor!
The honor is all mine, friend! Such a pleasure to have you here.
Pea soup. Ick.
And I’ve always preferred my tuna with dill relish and little Cheetos mashed in. (In fact, that’s what I ate for my entire kindergarten career.) =>
I don’t know much about pea soup except that it looks yucky. I don’t like foods that look green.
Like Charlotte, I am not sure if that fully cuts me out of the freak category. Oh, well.
Okay, am I dumb or what? I thought you were going to repent your early hatred of pea soup and give us a recipe for it! My daughter and I LOVE to go to California Pizza Kitchen and have theirs. It can’t be all bad if CPK has it, right? Of course I was raised by immigrants who ate rendered fat, so what do I know?
Anyway, funny, funny, TKW!
Hate pea soup. Love The Kitchen Witch and her well-crafted stories!
Kristen, I’ll have an award waiting for you on my blog in the morning!
Kiss and punch…I bet you kicked butt, TKW!
I can just see this little boy in my mind’s eye. I almost fell off my chair laughing. Wonderful post.