I thought I made a mistake yesterday. A big one. A mistake that would have cost me some money and more time.
As it turns out, the oversight I made was one without consequence and my worry was misplaced.
But the incident – and the fact that I spent so much of the afternoon mulling it over – made me think about the ideas of forgiving and forgetting.
I forgive others all the time. I forgive Big Boy for knocking over a pile of clean, folded laundry. The pizza delivery guy for forgetting part of my order. A friend for being late to meet me for lunch.
I ask for forgiveness too. I say “excuse me” when I sneeze or brush another shopper’s arm while reaching for the sweet potatoes in the produce section. I apologize to Husband for letting Tiny Baby teethe on the latest issue of The New Yorker. To a friend for being slow to return her phone call.
But I am not so good at forgiving myself. When I make a mistake or, much worse, hurt someone, I can rarely let it go.
Highly conflict-averse, I spend much of my life trying to avoid giving offense. And I wonder if the fact that I take such pains to avoid having to ask for forgiveness isn’t because I fear that others won’t be able to forgive me, but because I know that I am rarely able to forgive myself.
A few weeks ago, Nicki wrote about her need to seek forgiveness from a friend. Her post sparked an interesting discussion in the comments section both about the need for her to extend herself some grace and about the need for an apology to fall on ears ready to listen.
In my experience with apologizing to and forgiving myself, it is often my own ears that remain deaf. And I wonder, if I have so much trouble forgiving myself my trespasses, am I ever really letting others off the hook for theirs?
Are you good at forgiving others? Are you good at forgiving yourself?
Image: Victoria Station Apologies-5 by Julie70 via Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
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I am glad your mistake was not as big as you originally thought. Please extend yourself some grace. I have finally decided that forgiving myself will be good enough if that is all I get out of my mess. I still hope and pray for more but what I have is enough if that is it.
Thanks for the mention!
Fertile topic indeed. I am far better at forgiving others than I am at forgiving myself. I am not sure what this is all about. Perhaps it is because I feel like I retain a modicum of control over my decisions and actions, but not over those of others? I am ever curious about why we fashion such different standards for self and other.
Aidan mentioned control and I think that’s my biggest issue with “letting go” for after all, that’s a huge portion of forgiveness. I’m much better at forgiving others than I am with myself. My husband claims that I hold myself to higher standards. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.
Yup, me too. Lots of control issues here – and I think you and Aidan are right to point out the connection between self-forgiveness and control issues.
I think we are much harder on oursleves than we are others. We set standards for ourselves higher.
I’m not sure if it’s genetic or some chink in our female DNA, but we women sure seem hardwired for guilt.
After kid number two, I learned to shirk off most forms of “Mommy-guilt” – but I do still have a hard time letting go of things that I’ve already been forgiven for.
Like, if I’ve been a yelling-mama, when I should have had more self-control and I’ve apologized to my little ones and they’ve hugged me and kissed me a hundred and one times – I’ll still lay awake and think of how I’ve let myself down, whether they’ve forgiven and moved on or not.
So interesting. I usually blame my Catholic upbringing for my guilt “hard-wiring,” as you so aptly put it. But I’m really intrigued in the idea that there is a gender divide.
Agreeing with PP’s assessment of women and guilt in general. We tend to be very hard on ourselves. I obsess over things I should not have said or done, and since I am an impulsive person, I often lay awake at night, replaying my day and wishing I hadn’t done what I did. It’s very exhausting.
I’m absolutely, without doubt better at forgiving others than myself. I actually usually forgive too easily just to smoothe things over. I don’t forgive myself easily because I fear others have not forgiven me so I don’t allow myself to forgive me until I know others have forgiven me. I guess they go hand in hand. I also detest conflict and so I do all I can to avoid it… I forgive others to avoid it and I don’t forgive myself for fear that conflict is still brewing.
I’m so glad you avoided a mistake that you thought you made. What a relief… I know that feeling well.
I do the same thing: sweep issues under the rug to get conflicts over with as soon as people, but then stew, assuming that the trouble isn’t really over. It sounds like you and I have a similar anxiety profile, for better or worse.
I forgive others WAY more easily than I forgive myself. No one is harder on me than me. I can be hard on others, too, sometimes not the most understanding, but I feel like I forgive pretty easily.
Like you, good at excusing others (different from forgiving), good at forgiving others as well, and terrible at either – when it concerns myself.
This is largely a woman’s issue, and one of socialization in my opinion. I think we need to teach our sons to be more forgiving of others, and our daughters, to be kinder to themselves.
And perhaps we could learn from both, as we could learn much from our children in other areas, and ourselves, in the way we raise them.
Love the distinction you draw between excusing and forgiving. An important one, and one worth thinking more about.
I am also intrigued by the difference you suggest between boys and girls, preoccupied as I am with a certain small, sensitive boy, one who holds onto grudges with both hands.
I am still beating myself up about mistakes I made in my twenties!! It’s ridiculous! Why can’t I just let it go?
I’m very forgiving of others. Is BLW right? Is this a woman’s issue?
I’m not sure, but a lot of people seem to agree…
Yesterday my day was ruined because I made a trip to Costco, carefully purchased some things that I had coupons for, and then FORGOT to use the damn coupons. I was livid at myself. Still am.
So, um, yeah. Not super advanced on this score, I guess.
Your story reminds me of the time I went to the grocery store this fall and got to the checkout counter only to realize I had left my wallet at home. I was so embarrassed and so angry I couldn’t forgive myself – or forget about it – for days. (We live three minutes from the store so the error was quickly put right, but still…)
When I can’t sleep at night, I lie in bed reliving all the shame and horror of my past mistakes. This might not be so bad if it were limited to the recent week, but noooooo. I go back to age 4 and the time I broke my Dad’s glasses. I relive that massive mistake I made at my first job. I wallow in that dumb comment I made at that dinner party.
Wow. I really need to work on this. ;)
Yes, those dark moments before drifting off are ripe for exploring all of our shortcomings, aren’t they?
You just made me think. I too having a difficult time forgiving myself especially if I think I have hurt somebody’s feelings. I always had prided myself in being quick to forgive others or at least understanding their intentions.
But maybe I really don’t forgive….interesting. I’m going to have to think about that!
Forgiving others? A piece of cake for me. I’m so good at it, my husband teases me and calls me his favorite doormat. Forgiving myself? Now that’s another story.
I have a post in the works (in my head…) about guilt, which is what not forgiving myself turns into. Time and time again. And mostly for things I have no control over, but it’s still there.
I’m the first to forgive someone else. But if it’s me… I go on and on and on w/ the apologies. “I’m sorry” cards and cakes (I kid you not…) it’s ridiculous.
We need to start giving ourselves a break…
Oh yes….forgiving others comes easily. The people I love are all so imperfect, thank goodness. I would hate to be surrounded by a bunch of perfection! I don’t look for that in friends, but I certainly expect it of myself. And of course, I fail. Will we ever learn????
I love this statement: “The people I love are all so imperfect, thank goodness.” Yes! We’re all imperfect, of course. Why do I have so much trouble accepting the fact that I’m imperfect too? That I’ll mess up too? Why is it so much harder for me to extend grace to myself?
I don’t know the nature of your mistake. So I cannot determine whether this comment will be helpful at all. But I think that sometimes the offense is bigger in our own minds than it was to the victim. Frequently I harbor guilt over something that was no more than a minor scratch to the person on the other end. Either way, it sounds like things are smoothing out. I certainly hope so; for the sake of your wounded conscience if nothing else.
Thanks, Gale. My mistake-that-wasn’t was a victimless one. The only things that would have suffered were my wallet and my free time.
But I have definitely been in the position where I grossly overestimate the amount of trouble I’ve caused someone else – and your comment is a helpful one to keep in mind for the next time I do.
Very interesting topic. I need to think about this because my brain is going so many places. In general, I see a big chasm between saying “I’m sorry” for minor offenses like forgetting something, and needing to extend forgiveness for a violating the norms of whatever relationship is at stake – business, friend, family.
The little “I’m sorries” might just be attributed to manners.
The act of forgiving, whether my forgivness is sought or not, is not so difficult for me because I see it as releasing a burden that I no longer care to bear.
Excellent thought for the day!
So many great points here, Diane. I especially appreciate the perspective of seeing forgiveness as “releasing a burden that I no longer care to bear.” What a wonderful goal for me to work toward.
I understand your predicament here. I too have this problem of being unable to forgive myself. Sometimes I wonder what have made me as I am but I can’t find any answers.
Analyzing further though, I believe I need to face this negative attitude within myself. I believe that only I can release myself from this self-defeating predicament. I realize that I need to forgive myself despite the resistance of my mind–it is my mind who is my enemy. I know it will take take to win this battle, but I know that I can conquer this weakness.
Hi Walter,
Thanks for your comment.
I think you make an important point: being unable to forgive oneself is indeed a negative attitude. The solution, if I am to find one, comes from a tweak in my own thinking. For me, unfortunately, that might be easier said than done. I excel at self-criticism, but am not so good at self-repair. Yet.
For me, forgiving myself and others is a process, similar to child raising. It’s not a done deal in an hour or day or week. It’s a gradual growing thing, the love and eventually the letting go.
Forgiveness as a process, just like child-rearing. Yes, I like it.
Yuck – guilt and unforgiveness. It runs deep with me, too.
Nell
This is women, right? We hammer ourselves with unrealistic expectatiions and demands, and nurture the whole rest of the world!! WTH??
My husband is living proof that this is not a gender thing. He will often ask me whether we have offended someone because of this or that. At the same time, he is so very hard on himself. I understand him because I am very much the same way.
I think it goes back to socialization, as BLW suggested. If your parents are very conscientious, they will teach you to be the same way. If they don’t forgive themselves, you will have a difficult time forgiving yourself.
Perhaps it is also more acceptable to forgive others over oneself? Think about how much guilt is spread in the news. How we dwell on the mistakes of other people. It’s all intertwined, I think.
Ahh, and now a vote against guilt being a distinctly female phenomenon!
I can certainly relate. I am not good about forgiving myself either, and can dwell for days on things that others might perhaps characterize as the little stuff. I’m a worrier, a navel gazer. I over-analyze a situation after it happens and usually end-up worrying about how others perceived it. When I make a mistake at work, it bothers me for days. As I get older, I’m trying to learn to be better at letting things go. One thing that sometimes helps is to ask myself “If this were reveresed, would it bother me?”. Usually my answer is that I wouldn’t even give it a second thought and I then I can find the perspective I need to move on.
“If this were reversed, would it bother me?”
Such an important question for perspective-setting.
On the rare occasions when I think rationally, :) I like to ask myself, “Will I still be thinking of this in a year?” And if the answer is “no,” then I know I should forgive myself and show myself the grace I need to move on. (Easier said than done, of course.)
I think that part of the difficulty of forgiving oneself is the inability to give the benefit of the doubt. When someone has offended or hurt my feelings, I try to see things from their perspective and it helps me forgive them. Well, I already see things from my perspective. I know completely if what I did was due to carelessness, selfishness, hypocrisy, etc. (Even if I don’t always want to admit it to myself).
And in some ways, that isn’t a bad thing. As long as I don’t dwell on the mistake but instead use it to grow into a better person. But to grow from it we have to give up the guilt from the action which can cloud seeing the motives behind it.
As far as little daily mistakes go, I’ve long ago learned to let those go. I am perfectly happy to be human. Even if that means I sometimes forget, miscalculate, or fall on my face.
I love your spin on this issue, Charlotte. I think you make an important distinction among forgiving, forgetting, and guilt. And I think you’re right: if we are too quick to forget, we might miss the lesson needed “to grow into a better person” that’s available with each mistake. But that doesn’t mean we need to dwell in guilt. I really appreciate this take; thanks for sharing your insight.
Your nested comments are really working BTW – I like it!
Thanks! Glad you like it!
Hm. This is a tough one. I am a strong believer in the necessity of grace – extended both to others and to ourselves. But sometimes I wonder if maybe I forgive myself too easily. If perhaps I let myself off the hook a tad too quickly… I dunno. I need to mull this over (as is often the case after reading your posts – which is why I love them!)
Wow, this is a great question. I’m terrible at forgiving myself. I can hold a grudge against myself forever. My husband thinks I forgive others too easily. But it really depends on the who and the what. I know there are some things I say I’ve forgiven that I haven’t. And there are things I don’t even pretend to forgive. Hm, now I have one more thing to think about in addition to your comment on my post about confidence, which thank you for, btw. The male vs. female question is something I pondered for a good bit yesterday, and I think it speaks to the perception of male vs. female bosses, too. Thanks for such great thought-provoking convos!
Thank *you*! Here’s looking forward to many more thought-provoking conversations ahead!
I am awful at forgiving myself and while I am forgiving of others, I expect them to learn from their mistakes. My husbands says I expect too much from others and maybe I do.
I’m guilty of that as well: I hold myself to high standards on certain fronts and sometimes forget that everyone has different priorities. Thinking of your recent post about manners and common courtesy, though, I think standards should be high across the board!
Definitely I need to learn to be more forgiving and understanding with myself, but your post reminds me that though I don’t get upset at other people often, when I do, it would be a good thing to stop and think about just how much self-righteousness or flagellation of the other is necessary before remembering that we are all, indeed, traveling out own course and human, after all.
Such an important reminder, Karal. I suffer from a tendency to become self-righteous when I feel myself wronged – whether a small slight by a stranger or a bigger offense by a loved one. But you’re right, of course: we are all human and all worthy of pardon.
Like you, I don’t let myself get away with too much. It’s exhausting, and sometimes I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders for no reason. I married a man who is the complete opposite of me and I envy his light heart as he falls asleep without a care in the world. Like some of your commenters mentioned, it could be my control issues, my old-school Catholic upbringing, my strive to be perfect. I tell my girls all the time that no one is perfect, so I’m not sure why I can’t tell myself that same thing.
This is a great point, Gibby: “I tell my girls all the time that no one is perfect, so I’m not sure why I can’t tell myself that same thing.” I do the same thing with my boys. And I wonder what message we send to them when we say one thing, but then hold ourselves to a higher standard. Are they internalizing what we say or do they think that they also have to be perfect?
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